Lost all real plates. Should I just shut it down for a while and reframe?

[salinechow]

June 1st.
7 year LTR ends I am relieved. Of course you'd miss even prison after 7 years but hardly.
I immediately begin to self-improve. Hit the gym, lost 35 pounds, and got ripped. Bought a new car. Completely redid my apartment. Started surfing again.

August 1st.
After about 2months someone convinced me to go on Tinder. Met a HB8 and we fell in love. Or so I thought. Yeah, Yeah, I know its Tinder. Broke my heart after 6 weeks.

September 30th. I find SS and have an epiphany. I begin my DJ walk and start to practice. Plates. CF. Indifference. NC. Drowning the AFC to protect my heart. Appearance. Etc...

There have been great highs that have exceeded my expectations. New outlook, plus my already good traits that were not AFC related have made for some things going really well. Cold Approaches. Escalation. Kino stuff. And even handling some of the rejections.

The lows are still there. Lonely AFC boy still wants a lady around to reciprocate affection, eat dinner with, laugh with and look at, listen to music. F^cking. You know.

So at the height of it, if including all the long plays, (2 chicks had boyfriends but are/were responsive), I think I had a total of 8 plates. 3 Seriously considering me. And usually only one I would consider with any real intention.

All the online dating sites prove invaluable to me. I only met up with one girl from match, nice girl, just no spark. 1 girl from Tinder. Although Tinder I do get a little more traction and potential out of. OK Cupid sucks. Every girl that demonstrates interest there looks like a prison guard. Match pretty much the same. Sent out probably 2 hundred messages of varied sorts. Nothing. Convos always fizzle. No fun at all. I dont think I have spoken to one girl more than 4 messages. The online thing is actually and ego stumbling block I think. Plus, as some of you have followed my posts, I am eons better in person or even on the phone. I am however, a desperately bad closer at times (sex and sexiness are still pretty foreign to me until I get comfortable with a girl)( I don’t really like to pump and dump, I have trouble with sex without connection)(for now)

So here it is... Should I just shut it down for a while? Stop everything. No approaches. No flirting. No online matching. Just self-betterment and reflection.

I think even though the pendulum has swung from AFC to DJ, I still stink of desperation. Maybe take 6 weeks off. Till after the holidays and see what happens organically but stop all pursuit?

Or, alternatively, should I keep my momentum, try to get to 50 rejections, and keep spinning and dropping plates until something clicks.
( I love that philosophy by the way. It makes a fun game out of getting rejection and alleviates the fear of it. I have even used it to talk with girls.
" Hi, I am doing a little experiment, I am trying to get rejected by the prettiest girl I can find for that day to help me feel better about getting my heart broken by a girl who isn’t even as hot as you." Works like a charm 4/5 times.)

By the way, as a wild card to this, I have recently developed a F^ck buddy over the last week. Girl I dated 10 years ago and then again 5 years ago that loves me, but has always been cool enough to shut it down when I tell her too. Pssst.. the years have not been good for her weight but she is still firm and cool and fun. A little trashy lifestyle wise but has a good heart and is warm and fun. HB5.5

So if you all do recommend shutting it down for a while do I cut her off also?


Lastly, if I do take a break, I am worried about the struggle of my oneitis NC without plates. Thoughts?

 

[apprenticedj]

That's a great idea, in fact I'm doing it myself.

It's great to step back and focus on yourself. I feel it's essential to do this occasionally, you'll come back better and ready to rock.

:rockon:

 

[astrn]

I agree to step back for awhile, at least 1-2 months.

From my personal experiences after a great hit while at the most unexpected timeframe (a woman who highly interested in me from nowhere) if you burn yourself too much without improving yourself and highly taking the wrong steps it could burn you overdose... So take a step back, read material, forget the past, NC if necessary, hit the gym etc...

Isolation is necessity for me to becoming a true DJ

 

[Bingo-Player]

I know where your coming from because I’ve had to do a reframe on myself earlier this year

I wouldn’t advise shutting everything down though game is like a machine and if you completely stop, things start seizing up and getting them moving again isn’t as easy as it sounds

From experience i would just lower your expectations and withdraw from dating for a while

I found that “dating” wasn’t helping my game progress in the slightest , infact it was costing me a lot of money for very poor results

So after i had found out a chick i had literally just taken out had jumped straight in her car and gone over to some other guys house to fvck him i decided enough was enough

So I came to SS and reframed myself

I dropped every worthless woman out of my life and started becoming tough , i was still flirting with women but with SS help i was able to see through they’re silly little games therefore weeding out the trash and raising attraction with the quality women

Ive still got a fair way to go yet but its all coming together quite nicely now got a few high quality women in my life and im enjoying theyre company with out NEEDING it

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

STAY IN THE GAME!!! You will keep your momentum then and it will soon become a natural way of life. STAY IN THE GAME!!! The only thing you don't do is look for a long term. Have as much fun as you can right now for 1 to 2 months. All the while focusing on improving yourself. This will get your confidence sky high and thus improve your happiness.

 

[Soolaimon]

By the way, as a wild card to this, I have recently developed a F^ck buddy over the last week. Girl I dated 10 years ago and then again 5 years ago that loves me, but has always been cool enough to shut it down when I tell her too. Pssst.. the years have not been good for her weight but she is still firm and cool and fun. A little trashy lifestyle wise but has a good heart and is warm and fun. HB5.5

So if you all do recommend shutting it down for a while do I cut her off also?

Nobody can answer this question for you except yourself cause we are not you.

What might be good for another man might not be good for you.

It has to be what is the best for you and for all your success.

The key to being successful with high quality women is having all your ducks in a row.

You need to have your mind set in the right frame. That is the most important part of being at the top of your game. Everything else comes after like being in shape and your job. When your mind set sucks you won't keep any women around long at all no matter what other attributes you have.

If you don't feel you are at that point yet you should get there before you start getting new women.

If you don't fix your flaws you will repeat the same mistakes. That will make you unable to achieve the success of getting better quality women.

I would keep this fvk buddy. Do what you need to do to get yourself together first before you start with new woman.

When you feel you reached that point go out and approach new women.

You will see a lot better results with new confidence.

Your happiness and success should be from what you build on your own.

Women should add to your success but not be everything and the focus of your life.

 

[hudpes]

What option feels most unforced, most natural? Which offers least inner resistance? Remember, relationships are not a race, you don't have a deadline, to get a girlfriend within 4 months or else....! To say you're giving yourself 6 weeks off sounds like being you is a tough job! Find peace and tranquility within yourself. Stop actively pursuing, but open yourself up more, be approachable, but don't approach. Something along those lines anyway.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Agreed with Espi and the other break deniers. Crack on son.

Let's say you go out Friday night and meet a 9/10 glamour model who automatically wants to suck you every way from Sunday.... I suppose you're gonna say, 'Sorry love, I'm on a break'. Pfft :crackup:

The secret is to integrate all aspects of life in to harmony, not to wax and wane from one extreme to another. Another secret is to stop caring so much; stop immediately falling for every chick you meet.

The question I ask of guys who are taking a break from dating to focus on themselves: - whatya gonna do when you start dating again, stop focussing on yourself?

It's such a first world problem to think we can't live different aspects of life simultaneously. Fair enough, if you've been badly burned slow down a little. But never tell yourself to quit completely, it's the wrong mentality to take.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Also drop the 5.5. You can do better and hanging with her is a distraction.

 

[salinechow]

Love the feedback and viewpoints. Here is where I am at.

I still reek of desperation because although improving my inner game is still weak. I am on furlough from one job and will not be going back till March/April. Had a bad month with my primary job so funds are tight. I think, like everybody here says, there is a direct correlation between financial success and true confidence. Yeah, you can fake it, I actually can very well, but eventually, especially the girls over 25, will sniff you out. Some can right away.

So I am transitioning a lot of things at once. The AFC can still be strong sometimes, but I am trying to poison him and to some extent modify what little value traits that bastard has. 2 Months ago I had a huge month financially and it showed, now less so. I am getting better looking and stronger in the gym every day. I am spinning and dropping plates.

The transition period has both ups and downs. That’s why I posed the question is it time to reframe. Wait for certain things to gel before cont. the pursuit of women. Also, I still seek their approvals as some validation, but, yet again, less so then ever before. Another transition.

In closing, I don’t think I can pack it in just yet. First of all, since my post, other plates started spinning. Probably low quality, but who knows. Ill make progress and mistakes with them as they develop and in a really good way, I am starting from a point of complete indifference of the outcome. So, this mindset encourages me to continue for now. Also, two of my very good friends just broke up with their LTRs. I now have a few wingmen back, even if its just to get together and not chase girls. That will help.

I appreciate all the time that you guys take to respond. And, like all my other posts, I always try to think of it in terms of helping someone else. I am not as weak as I may sound on the page but I bare all authentically in hopes of others reading and it resonating with them to help them.

 

[apprenticedj]

As we all know, and as Soolaimon said, it's all about our frame of mind.

Money troubles, being out of shape, whatever it may be, those things put negative vibes in our mind. They make us feel that we aren't all that we could be and after time that internal thought manifests itself externally. Your confidence is low and you simply aren't feeling it.

This has been my personal experience: gaming from this less than ideal place puts you in a weakened position. I personally start treating plates differently. A chick that I normally wouldn't give a crap about suddenly becomes important to me, I care too much. Sadly I know that if I had all my ducks in a row and I was feeling the way I know I SHOULD then this chick wouldn't even be a concern. It would be on to the next one and that's exactly how it's been when I'm feeling great. Zero f*cks given.

So this is what I'm doing: I'm taking it easy, focusing on myself, getting back to the gym, finishing up this semester of school, eating and living clean, laying off the booze. In the past few months I've had enough snizz to hold me over until Jan 2015. Then I'll be ready to come back stronger than ever.

This thread makes me think. It would be so much better to practice self acceptance rather than self improvement but damn my human nature! I still care what others think. One day I won't care and life will be easy, sadly I'll be an old man by then.

Rock on salinechow :rockon:

 

[Epimanes]

Reframe?? Seriously? To reframe shouldn't take anymore than a moment of self reflection and outcome independance.. "I am the prize" ... Then head on out. Kinda like in the movie "gone in 60 seconds" when they listen to low rider for just the intro... Taking a MOMENT to reframe and get their head into the game and get er done.

Epi

 

[SomeGirls]

I would focus on myself. Getting involved with whatever I could. Do a better job at work, continue to workout, make friends (guys and girls), and things will happen naturally.

 

[astrn]

I agreed some of the thoughts.

It is personal! Everybody in here is not the in same mental state..

If your problem lies in your mental state then it is best to seek the damage and work on it. If the problem is a particular girl then NC. If it is general like cold approaching etc. work on it. If it is much more serious like you fell total crap (after hearthbroken, dumped or other serious ****...) then improve yourself first (hit gym, lose weight, quit smoking, get new clothes etc.) By that time read material and analyze yourself.

This takes time and it is not meaning to shut yourself completely! Just take it slow while you heal. Take as much time as you want. 1-2 week, 3-6 month or even a year. It is a process, not a race! There is no 1st winner on the line. Be comfy...

In short IMPROVE YOURSELF WHAT YOU ARE WEAK ON!

Then you can slowly attach yourself to the game again. Maybe a random girl from blues will find you before you do!
Life is full of surprises. Believe me!...

 

[apprenticedj]

There will always be some excuse, though. You can always choose to rationalize your way out.

As time goes on I'm realizing more and more that this is my main issue. I'm always thinking "if only X then I'd be Y", "I'll wait until X before I..."

As the time gets closer (to the finalization of my divorce) I'm starting to wonder if I've been using it as an excuse to stay out of the game?

I mean, I've been having success and hooking up with chicks but only in a passive way, not actively out there gaming. Maybe I'm just using the divorce as an excuse and once that's over I'll probably find another excuse.

Espi really made me think with that comment. I can always rationalize a reason to stay safe and take the easy way out but that's not what makes us successful as men.

Great stuff fellas.

 

[skinnyguy]

Take a break but don't turn down opportunities that are handed to you

 

[Tortendieb]

When I feel bad like that, I just take a walk on a Sunday afternoon in the breeze, looking at the river. I'll feel bad for myself for about 30mins, then I'll make a plan and BOOM on Monday I'm back!

It's okay to relax for a bit, but never "drop out" for like months. If you're stressed, try a different approach. But try something.

 

[salinechow]

Ok. Love that everybody is fired up for me and I appreciate the encouragements.
Here, is an update and some more musings on my situation. Since I posted, actually the day I posted plates started spinning on their own again. Maybe I am doing something right. Also, on Sat night I hit the town with two wingmen and got rejected (or simply gave up) on 2 sets of girls. Then I made time with some other chicks and got numbers. 5 face but a 9 of a body. Part of me wanting to pack it in was for chicks like this though. My oneitis was a solid 8 and getting the numbers of girls I would have to be intoxicated to enjoy doesn’t always excite me. YES! it does help. YES spinning plates of any caliber I believe has been an integral part of my success with NC and developing DJ trais. Not PUA traits but true DJ traits of not pining over one girl, bettering oneself by actions (gym, getting out more, self value etc) But still, anybody have advice on this, is lower caliber still valuable enough to keep plugging on? I have felt to a certain extent yes, but in other ways it can be also, almost discouraging.

Also, in the middle of me typing this actually I got invited to dinner by a plate. So I guess I was just having a down moment at a crossroads. Glad I reached out to you boys and got encouragements and wisdom. Ill be honest though because I am so new to spinning plates it takes up to much of my time I could be spending building my business(primary income) and just being generally entrepreneurial. I think that was part of me saying I should take a step back. I guess the momentum was greater than I was giving myself credit for. So anyway, for now, Im going forwards.

 

[gravityeyelids]

Nope. Stay Hungry. You will start to become complacent and then start rationalizing your laziness. Your years are slipping away. Take a few days off if you can but continue to fire on a cylinders.

Don't become obsessed with game. ALways pursue other interests. Keep yourself busy at all times and build up your body and mind.