Looking for feedback on getting over an EX

[MusicLover10]

New to the forum. 35 years old and encountered the red pill a few years back but it was too bitter and I puked it up. Over the last 2 months I have swallowed it hard and the whole thing is a big struggle and identity/crisis for me. Major beta tendencies and patterns are deeply ingrained and I had a lot of physical, mental and emotional abuse from my mom and my sister until I was 21 years old.

Got married to the first girl I slept with. Sex was never the center of our relationship (she's a 6 tops) but we were a great "team" and accomplished a lot together. Great conversations and shared an outlook on life. 6 years into our marriage she fell for another guy who was displaying more Alpha traits (I only see this in hindsight). She had a kid with him. It was pretty devastating.

Right on the the heels of my separation from my wife I met a woman who was the opposite of my wife. Very very sexy, a 9 with perfect fake tits and an ass that you only rarely see in real life (she's portuguese) and beautiful face. She adored me, was super sweet and caring, and showed me respect in any way she could and from the start told me I was the one she had been looking for all her life. We also had a lot of fun when we hung out and she gave me sex or BJS pretty much whenever I wanted them. Her major "downside" was being 5 years older than me (not a problem with looks, she is seriously as hot as a 27 year old and her mom and aunts all look great in their 60s)

I dated her on and off for the last 5 years, and in the "off" periods I would try and date and swallow the red pill but it was so hard that I would always go back to this girl who was so hot, so sweet, and made it easy for me. We had many cycles of this.

Last year we got back together and really went for a LTR and moved in together and started talking about marriage and trying to have a kid. Then I found out another major downside- she had 135K in student loan debt and for a degree that is worthless. It was hard for me to swallow.

Then my insecurity and jealously started rearing its head in ways I had never experienced. I started to have OCD thinking about her cheating on me, and then I made the horrible mistake of wanting to learn more about her past relationships She had 2 serious relationships with Alphas that were very wealthy and did not treat her that great - they both cheated on her which caused her to end those relationships.

I started having literal panic attacks over my insecurity and jealously and could not stop mental movies of her having sex with these other men in my mind. It was a personal hell I would wish on no one. I could not conceal this from her and it became an issue we would need to deal with and she always would just tell me how much she loved me and try to comfort me. She never purposely made me feel bad about any of it, but I could not help the pain I was feeling and it got so bad I broke up with her 2 months ago because I was teetering on having a serious mental breakdown 2-3 times per week.

I've been dating using the stuff I am learning and it is working. More numbers, dates etc and finally got laid last week with a 8 who turned out to be a freak in bed, and wanted me to be really rough with her. I had fun, got some validation, but the sex was not nearly as enjoyable as it was with my ex. Sex with her was pure heaven, not just because of her looks, we were just really compatible.

I am now thinking of her all the time. Things like "I had this great girl and I let my jealousy and insecurity ruin it" or "I am going to regret leaving her forever" or "I will never date a girl as hot as she was" or, and this is the worst one "Because of my issues of being abused by women early in life I am not able to let a woman love me and I am terrified of true intimacy" (this last one is what my ex would say if you asked her opinion).

This girl loves me, or at least thinks she does, and I know I could get her back easily. I am scared that the "game" and "red pill" and "becoming a grown ass man" are just too scary for me and I am reaching for my ex mentally because its easier than doing this work of the red pill.

I need some perspectives and feedback from other men, and the guy friends in my life just are not mentally in a place to really help me. I know I am not asking any specific questions but anything you all want to comment on would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Chev.Chelios]

Redpill wisdom will knock you on your azz at first.
at the end of your journey of discovering the true state
of todays societal standards and what feminism has done.
you will believe at your core..

Fvck marriage, Fvck kids, Fvck the law, Fvck feminism
this government has ruined it for everyone.
Woman simply dont need men to survive anymore.

 

[QuadDeuces]

Don't ask about exes, whenever they bring them up change the subject or leave the room to do something for yourself, unless it's about something relevant to you like STDs or Finances.
Whenever they tell you about an ex they manipulate you, either consciously or subconsciously into becoming their beta man listening ear, their white knight saving the damsel in distress hurt by the ashole.
"He was so rich, but an ashole"
"He cheated on me"
"He used to take me to an expensive holiday resort"

Do you think a typical Alpha male like Conor McGregor would be listening to his girlfriend wallowing about her exes?
He would tell her to "Shoot the fook oop!"