I have a feeling this is going to be a huge post.. alot has happened and my feelings are all over the place.. if you cant be arsed to read it all just skip to the end where I make my pleas for support.
The girl who I was so interested in (who has a long term boyfriend) stayed over on thurs and fri, night. it was clear her plan was not to seduce me or try and get me into bed, but what with it being the last time I'm going to see her I wanted to try something.
What with it being the end of our course, we'd all been drinking all afternoon, nothing out of the ordinary happened till we got to the club at the end... but my memory is very patchy, I didnt spend much time with her untill the last couple of hours (when we were buying each other rounds and spent alot of time together, mostly on the dance floor).. but I dont remember doing or saying anything I hadnt or wouldnt have done before, except maybe for when I was dancing/grinding with her near the end, she was dancing back with me, but she did break off, and then we didnt dance like that again.. Later one of my friends who had met me later (he knew how I felt) came to me and said "I think you should know, that me and your mate just pulled..". I also noticed earlier in the evening she had been trying to dance with random guys on the dancefloor too. I cant remember why I didnt grill him for details at the time, but he told me today that they had been talking and she had leaned over and kissed him, then he'd said "no, this is wrong, tom likes you", he cant remember exactly what she said back but he got the impression that she already knew or suspected as much... if she did, I'm hurt that she would try and pull one of my friends (this was the first time she had met him too, so its not like she had any feelings for him). I spent time with her in the club talking after this, but I dont think I brought it up or she did either
by the end of the night it was just the 3 of us left.. I dont remember leaving, my first memory of the walk home is about half way there (10 mins worth) when I think she asked me some sort of question about my feelings.. I said something like "yeah.. I do like you" and then turned to my friend and said "and I dunno what the f*ck you were playing at, you knew I fancied her!" (this was before he'd told me it was her making the moves, and I dont really think this guy would have screwed me over like that). She repeatedly denied that anything had happened, and claimed he was lying. about 5 mins later my friend went home to his house and me and the girl carried on walking to mine, we stayed up talking and drinking at home for about an hour and a half, but I dont really remember much of what was said...
All I really remember her saying is stuff like, "I just cant believe it, I always just thought you were a good friend, I never thought" I remember interrupting and saying, "no, I am a good friend and look I'm sorry about all this, but I couldnt help the fact that I like you" I also said I was amazed she didnt suspect earlier in the year as I thought I was being too obvious.. (my ec and kino with her etc. plus the level of attention I showed her is much more than with anyone else I know) but she still claimed not to suspect. I dont know whether my dancing with her was what got her suspecting (if so I hate the fact that she still went and pulled my friend) we also talked a bit about one of her housemates that I fancied and that she definitely did know I liked. What filled up the rest of the time I dont know.. but I did bust a C+F line at the end,
for some reason she asked me something like, is there anything you want me to do for you, and I said, (jokingly) "well a blow job would be nice"
she laughed and said "no.. I dont think so" I was like "go onnnn.." and she.. claimed "I dont do that for my boyfriend so I'm not going to do it for you" (not sure if I believe that)
Now it gets more complicated again.. my friend used to live with me, and still hasnt handed over his key to my house to the landlord, I got up at 8 (may have been woken by the front door) and went to the bathroom, I could hear voices from the room she was staying in, I knocked on the door and then walked in.. she was in bed in her pajamas, and my friend was lying across the bottom of the bed (fully clothed, but different clothes from last night) I said "what the hell are you doing here?" and he said "I just came over to clear the air", then she said to me do you want to sit down, and then shifted over and I got into bed next to her.. she went to the toilet at one point and to get a drink and I grilled my friend, this was when he told me she made the move on him, and he'd just come over to "clear the air" because he felt partly responsible and because he knew from experience she might want someone to talk to who wasnt me.. but said she hadnt been that talkative about it.. I think I believe him (dont think he was trying anything) but theres still a nagging doubt.
she was pretty much completely normal with me.. I apologised again, asked her why she'd pulled my friend when she had a boyfriend (she simply said "I was drunk" that was it) I remember at one point when she said something about her boyfriend I said "I dont know why you're with him, you clearly dont care about him", she said "yes I do, I love him", and I said, "no you clearly don't, I've seen how you are with him, you never say anything good about him, and you pulled my mate last night" she had no response to that..
the rest of the morning she was completely normal with me, but it was clear she didnt really want to talk about it all anymore, she would talk about it, but she didnt ask me any questions or expand more than necessary. I decided it was best not to press the issue.. One of her friends phoned her, I heard the first bit of her conversation before she left the room, when she obviously answered "how was last night?" with "a bit of a disaster".. I remember both last night, and in the morning we'd talked about me moving on (emotionally) and the fact that there were plenty of other women out there...
Anyway, as we walked into town to get some brunch and meet her boyfriend I said to her "look, are we ok now?" and she said, "yeah, its fine. I just want things to go back to how they were, lets not talk about it anymore" and for the rest of the morning even when her boyfriend turned up, things were completely normal.. she didnt pay me any less attention than she normally would have and she was just as talkative. Lastly when she left we kissed each other on the cheek, I said to her, stay in touch, she said, yeah let me know what you're up to.. I said I'll come visit you and helen (one of our mutual friends) in oxford sometime (before last night this would have felt normal, but now.. although I said it, I didnt really believe it) and she said, "email me, cos I'm rubbish at keeping in touch with people" (this I know to be true, but obviously a phone call is alot easier than email)
So I dunno.. I thought it might feel better to have it all out in the open, but I've just replaced one set of sources of dissatisfaction and fear with another.. now I'm worried that our friendship is wrecked (despite the fact that she said we were still friends and was acting normal to me in the morning). Although I may have let her know too much how much I liked her, I at no point tried to convince her that she should leave her bf for me, or that she ought to love me. (at least I dont think I did, I think I would have remembered saying that sort of stuff) I think It will probably be ok but I'm not sure, untill I'm truly not interested in her (shoudnt take too long now I'm not seeing her every day) and she knows that too, I think things will still feel awkward (even if on the surface it feels normal).
I'm hurt by the fact that she pulled my friend while possibly knowing that I was interested in her although I dont think she consciously thought about it (she was very drunk). And of course I'm a bit paranoid that a lot more went on between her and my friend than I know about, but I dont really believe that. I feel like I want to call her and talk about this more, but I know it'll do no good, and I honestly dont know what I'd say other than asking her if I'd done anything on the night to give her the idea I liked her, and trying to get the truth about whether she really felt ok about it and what our friendship would be like in the future. As it is I think I'll wait at least 3 or 4 weeks before I contact her, that way I've got something to say other than just asking her about us. As things are I doubt she'll contact me, she'll expect me to call or email and maybe be dissapointed if I dont.. But I do want to to stay in touch with her (and I think I was one of her friends who she cared about, she just wont want to run the risk of giving me the wrong idea neither does she want to feel awkward.) She really has been one of the best mates I've had my whole life, I just hope I havent screwed things up..
What have I learned, dont get one-itis. Thats it.. I'm still glad I managed to get to talk to her about it, but I'm pissed off about the way it came out, and that now our friendship is uncertain.. I think given alot more time (which i didnt have) I may have been able to steal her but, I think it would still have been a waste of effort and I'd be better seeing other girls. my head knows too, that no matter what my heart feels a relationship with her would probably not have worked and done me more harm than good, (she treats her current boyfriend pretty badly and has him wrapped around her finger)
contd...
The girl who I was so interested in (who has a long term boyfriend) stayed over on thurs and fri, night. it was clear her plan was not to seduce me or try and get me into bed, but what with it being the last time I'm going to see her I wanted to try something.
What with it being the end of our course, we'd all been drinking all afternoon, nothing out of the ordinary happened till we got to the club at the end... but my memory is very patchy, I didnt spend much time with her untill the last couple of hours (when we were buying each other rounds and spent alot of time together, mostly on the dance floor).. but I dont remember doing or saying anything I hadnt or wouldnt have done before, except maybe for when I was dancing/grinding with her near the end, she was dancing back with me, but she did break off, and then we didnt dance like that again.. Later one of my friends who had met me later (he knew how I felt) came to me and said "I think you should know, that me and your mate just pulled..". I also noticed earlier in the evening she had been trying to dance with random guys on the dancefloor too. I cant remember why I didnt grill him for details at the time, but he told me today that they had been talking and she had leaned over and kissed him, then he'd said "no, this is wrong, tom likes you", he cant remember exactly what she said back but he got the impression that she already knew or suspected as much... if she did, I'm hurt that she would try and pull one of my friends (this was the first time she had met him too, so its not like she had any feelings for him). I spent time with her in the club talking after this, but I dont think I brought it up or she did either
by the end of the night it was just the 3 of us left.. I dont remember leaving, my first memory of the walk home is about half way there (10 mins worth) when I think she asked me some sort of question about my feelings.. I said something like "yeah.. I do like you" and then turned to my friend and said "and I dunno what the f*ck you were playing at, you knew I fancied her!" (this was before he'd told me it was her making the moves, and I dont really think this guy would have screwed me over like that). She repeatedly denied that anything had happened, and claimed he was lying. about 5 mins later my friend went home to his house and me and the girl carried on walking to mine, we stayed up talking and drinking at home for about an hour and a half, but I dont really remember much of what was said...
All I really remember her saying is stuff like, "I just cant believe it, I always just thought you were a good friend, I never thought" I remember interrupting and saying, "no, I am a good friend and look I'm sorry about all this, but I couldnt help the fact that I like you" I also said I was amazed she didnt suspect earlier in the year as I thought I was being too obvious.. (my ec and kino with her etc. plus the level of attention I showed her is much more than with anyone else I know) but she still claimed not to suspect. I dont know whether my dancing with her was what got her suspecting (if so I hate the fact that she still went and pulled my friend) we also talked a bit about one of her housemates that I fancied and that she definitely did know I liked. What filled up the rest of the time I dont know.. but I did bust a C+F line at the end,
for some reason she asked me something like, is there anything you want me to do for you, and I said, (jokingly) "well a blow job would be nice"
she laughed and said "no.. I dont think so" I was like "go onnnn.." and she.. claimed "I dont do that for my boyfriend so I'm not going to do it for you" (not sure if I believe that)Now it gets more complicated again.. my friend used to live with me, and still hasnt handed over his key to my house to the landlord, I got up at 8 (may have been woken by the front door) and went to the bathroom, I could hear voices from the room she was staying in, I knocked on the door and then walked in.. she was in bed in her pajamas, and my friend was lying across the bottom of the bed (fully clothed, but different clothes from last night) I said "what the hell are you doing here?" and he said "I just came over to clear the air", then she said to me do you want to sit down, and then shifted over and I got into bed next to her.. she went to the toilet at one point and to get a drink and I grilled my friend, this was when he told me she made the move on him, and he'd just come over to "clear the air" because he felt partly responsible and because he knew from experience she might want someone to talk to who wasnt me.. but said she hadnt been that talkative about it.. I think I believe him (dont think he was trying anything) but theres still a nagging doubt.
she was pretty much completely normal with me.. I apologised again, asked her why she'd pulled my friend when she had a boyfriend (she simply said "I was drunk" that was it) I remember at one point when she said something about her boyfriend I said "I dont know why you're with him, you clearly dont care about him", she said "yes I do, I love him", and I said, "no you clearly don't, I've seen how you are with him, you never say anything good about him, and you pulled my mate last night" she had no response to that..
the rest of the morning she was completely normal with me, but it was clear she didnt really want to talk about it all anymore, she would talk about it, but she didnt ask me any questions or expand more than necessary. I decided it was best not to press the issue.. One of her friends phoned her, I heard the first bit of her conversation before she left the room, when she obviously answered "how was last night?" with "a bit of a disaster".. I remember both last night, and in the morning we'd talked about me moving on (emotionally) and the fact that there were plenty of other women out there...
Anyway, as we walked into town to get some brunch and meet her boyfriend I said to her "look, are we ok now?" and she said, "yeah, its fine. I just want things to go back to how they were, lets not talk about it anymore" and for the rest of the morning even when her boyfriend turned up, things were completely normal.. she didnt pay me any less attention than she normally would have and she was just as talkative. Lastly when she left we kissed each other on the cheek, I said to her, stay in touch, she said, yeah let me know what you're up to.. I said I'll come visit you and helen (one of our mutual friends) in oxford sometime (before last night this would have felt normal, but now.. although I said it, I didnt really believe it) and she said, "email me, cos I'm rubbish at keeping in touch with people" (this I know to be true, but obviously a phone call is alot easier than email)
So I dunno.. I thought it might feel better to have it all out in the open, but I've just replaced one set of sources of dissatisfaction and fear with another.. now I'm worried that our friendship is wrecked (despite the fact that she said we were still friends and was acting normal to me in the morning). Although I may have let her know too much how much I liked her, I at no point tried to convince her that she should leave her bf for me, or that she ought to love me. (at least I dont think I did, I think I would have remembered saying that sort of stuff) I think It will probably be ok but I'm not sure, untill I'm truly not interested in her (shoudnt take too long now I'm not seeing her every day) and she knows that too, I think things will still feel awkward (even if on the surface it feels normal).
I'm hurt by the fact that she pulled my friend while possibly knowing that I was interested in her although I dont think she consciously thought about it (she was very drunk). And of course I'm a bit paranoid that a lot more went on between her and my friend than I know about, but I dont really believe that. I feel like I want to call her and talk about this more, but I know it'll do no good, and I honestly dont know what I'd say other than asking her if I'd done anything on the night to give her the idea I liked her, and trying to get the truth about whether she really felt ok about it and what our friendship would be like in the future. As it is I think I'll wait at least 3 or 4 weeks before I contact her, that way I've got something to say other than just asking her about us. As things are I doubt she'll contact me, she'll expect me to call or email and maybe be dissapointed if I dont.. But I do want to to stay in touch with her (and I think I was one of her friends who she cared about, she just wont want to run the risk of giving me the wrong idea neither does she want to feel awkward.) She really has been one of the best mates I've had my whole life, I just hope I havent screwed things up..
What have I learned, dont get one-itis. Thats it.. I'm still glad I managed to get to talk to her about it, but I'm pissed off about the way it came out, and that now our friendship is uncertain.. I think given alot more time (which i didnt have) I may have been able to steal her but, I think it would still have been a waste of effort and I'd be better seeing other girls. my head knows too, that no matter what my heart feels a relationship with her would probably not have worked and done me more harm than good, (she treats her current boyfriend pretty badly and has him wrapped around her finger)
contd...
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