living together before marriage..it seems logical to me

[flyinshark]

I think getting married before having lived together could prove to be an awful decision for a couple. It's only when you live together 24/7 for a couple of months (at least) that you get to see the real personality of the other person and get to discover if the 2 of you can really get along with each other later on, if you get married.

I used to date an Arabic girl who told me that it was impossible for her to live with me before marriage because of her parents' mentality. We are not together anymore now, but i remember we had a fight or 2 about this issue. Me wanting us to live together for 1 year before more commitment, and her saying that it would never happen.

What do you guys think of this? Is it smart to get married like that without ever having lived together beforehand?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I don't think you should live with one another until you are sure that you want to marry each other. But how do you decide without living together? Take turns spending the night at the others house a couple of nights a week. It will keep you from having the romance of living together cloud your judgement.

You'll be able to see each other 3 or 4 nights during the week and on the weekend if you choose. You'll still have time away from one another (this is a good thing) to do your own thing or hang out with your buds (sarging is an option too). You'll be able to easily tell if she is taking advantage of you in any way and the act of pooling resources to pay the bills won't cloud your judgement. Worse case scenario of you guys not getting along, each of you still have your own home to go back to.

If you must have the "living together" experience, consider taking an extended vacation together (at least 10 days). Chose a place where neither of you visited before so neither of you would have an unfair advantage. You'd be surprised how a person's true character comes out under the stress of unfamiliar surroundings for an extended period of time.

 

[Teflon_Mcgee]

Statisticly speaking, couples who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate.

Like it or not, a married couple living together is a much different relationship dynamic than a non-married couple living together.

I refuse to live with my GF even though I can see myself marrying her. I also told her that we will have a guest house house when married and either one of us can stay there at anytime with no hurt feelings, no questions asked.

Ideally I'd prefer to keep seperate residence in close proximity (next door) but due to cost tis is not very feasible. Though I have heard of spouses getting apartments in the same building.

 

[insanity]

living with a woman before marriage is quite possibly the smartest thing you can do if you want a glimpse into the future to see if your truly compatible. it will show you how much of a nag she is. if she cooks, cleans, and contributes 50/50 to the living arrangements. it's easy when couples live at their own apartments because if you have a battle and don't want to stick around then you can retreat to your own place and let the heat die down. try running from a battle when you live together.

it's a great test living together. compromising what tv shows to watch, they always yell out when are u coming to bed, when their sick they whine, etc.

i have lived with about 6 girls now and they are all exs for a reason. i just hated living with them and i'm sure they hated living with me. but we were great couples when we lived seperately. but imagine if i married them first. can anybody say screwed.

and who ever came up with the theory of couples who live together first before marriage and the divorce rate is higher is obviously religious.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #4
NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren't married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.

You are utterly powerless in this situation. NEVER buy a home with a girlfriend, NEVER sign a rental lease with a girlfriend. NEVER agree to move into her home and absolutely NEVER move a woman into your own established living arrangement. I'm adamantly opposed to the "shacking up" dynamic, it is a trap that far too many men allow themselves to fall into. My fervor agianst this isn't based on some moral issue, it is simple pragmatism. I know a fellow right now who is in the pit of misery with a girl he signed an apartment lease with for a year and has had to basically live with his ex for tha past 5 months and wont get out of the lease until May. If you live with a woman you may as well be married because upon doing so every liability and accountability of marriage is then in effect. You not only lose any freedom of annonymity you commit to, legally, being responsible for the continuation of your living arrangements regardless of how your relationship decays.

I should also emphasize the point that when you commit (and it is a financial committment) to cohabiting with a GF you will notice a marked decrease in her sexual availability and desire, trust me on this. All of that competitive anxiety and it's resulting sexual tension that made your single sex life so great is removed from her shoulders and she can comfortably relax in the knowledge that she is your ONLY source of sexual intimacy. Putting your name on that lease with her (even if it's just your name) is akin to signing an insurance polcy for her - "I the undersigned promise not to fukk any woman but this girl for a one year term." She thinks, "if he wasn't serious about me, he wouldn't have signed the lease." Now all of that impetus and energy that made having marathon sex with you an outright necessity is relaxed. She controls the frame and she's got it in writing that it is for at least a year.

Just don't do it. Relationships last best when you spin more plates or at the very least keep each other at arm's distance.

 

[Latinoman]

I think getting married before having lived together could prove to be an awful decision for a couple. It's only when you live together 24/7 for a couple of months (at least) that you get to see the real personality of the other person and get to discover if the 2 of you can really get along with each other later on, if you get married.

I used to date an Arabic girl who told me that it was impossible for her to live with me before marriage because of her parents' mentality. We are not together anymore now, but i remember we had a fight or 2 about this issue. Me wanting us to live together for 1 year before more commitment, and her saying that it would never happen.

What do you guys think of this? Is it smart to get married like that without ever having lived together beforehand?

I think it is VERY STUPID to live together before marriage (unless you are a few months from getting married - in which case, I see as acceptable). Now...spending one week at her place and she spending one at your place or spending a week at her place and then alone and then at her place is more than acceptable too (and smart). But it is not the same as living together and sharing the bills responsibilities.

 

[Disconnect]

I've never cohabited, but Tomassi seems spot on. I also have the plan to live separately but see her often (whenever I feel like it). That would keep things fresh. Another perspective: once you two move in, you have to share the duties and responsibilities that do not pertain to the relationship (chores, bills, etc). They will push the relationship into the background - she'll start taking you for granted, and you her. This would seem like a reason married couples don't fvck as much (if at all).

My current girl agrees with all of this, and is willing to give me the freedom I want, provided it will keep us together .

 

[Latinoman]

I've never cohabited, but Tomassi seems spot on. I also have the plan to live separately but see her often (whenever I feel like it). That would keep things fresh. Another perspective: once you two move in, you have to share the duties and responsibilities that do not pertain to the relationship (chores, bills, etc). They will push the relationship into the background - she'll start taking you for granted, and you her. This would seem like a reason married couples don't fvck as much (if at all).

My current girl agrees with all of this, and is willing to give me the freedom I want, provided it will keep us together .

You are 19. You should not even be in a committed relationship at this stage of your life.

 

[insanity]

it must be those american women you guys have been talking about that lack sex drive after they move in. i can't play my videogames without my woman grabbing for my joystick looking for some leather on a constant basis. whats so bad about breaking a lease with someone that you don't want to be around anymore. thats what the midnight moving is for.

i say live with a chick before marriage. thats how you will find out if she's marriage material.

 

[speed dawg]

I feel compelled to comment on this...

If you recall, back in April or May, maybe before, I don't know, I started some threads asking for advice on this subject. You can do a search for my threads to get the exact date. My gf and I had been together for 5-6 months when we moved in. I didn't want to do it at all, and it happened slowly over time. However, I made the decision to try it first BEFORE I decided to get married. **NOTE** IMO, if you're going to live with a girl, let her move in with you ONLY. That way, you're not dependant on her.

In this span of almost 9 months we've lived together, I've noticed...

-Sex comes and goes with us. We fukk like rabbits one week, then don't for a week. We've been on a lull lately, but the last two days I've beat it up like it stole something.

-We have fought. Alot. Almost ended it a few times. She has cried. Mostly because of my attitude and my "This is mine, you live by my rules" frame. Yes, it's true, but if you open your home to someone your in a relationship with, you have to compromise. This is where a firm COMMITMENT must be in place.

-We argued to no end about money and have since, by putting out the expenses on paper, have devised a system to take care of it. VICTORY.

-I have learned SO MUCH about being tolerant of other people and not losing my temper. This alone has been one of my character flaws all my life.

-Our personalities have clashed and it appears we're coming out better people because of it. We've learned alot about each other and now KNOW what the future could hold.

In essence, I think it's best to make a strong commitment after about a year of dating to MAKE IT WORK. Only then, can it really work. Of course, you have to be a man and she has to be a woman, and you must see eye to eye on things such as money, religion, ambition, etc. Personally, I like an opposite personality than mine, makes it interesting and makes me try new things.

I never made a COMMITMENT to her while we were living together and she did to me, and that was my mistake. I didn't want to compromise. It almost cost me a great relationship, emotionally and sexually, but I learned that and have come out better for it. We're meeting each other in the middle again, having fun the spark has lit back up. However, I realize not everyone has the discipline that I have. The thing you have to remember is, no matter how mad you get, you have to keep control.

 

[flyinshark]

Ok, i've changed my views on this thanks to this thread. Here's what i make of it.

Living together is a good test for the strength of the relationship.
However, there is living together from time to time, and there is living together ALL the time. We're talking before marriage here.

I agree that living together all the time can cause the passion to drop from both parties because of routine and the fact that there is no time to miss the other person because you always see them. And i also agree that signing a lease together can be a catastrophe if a break-up happens in the beginning of the lease, because both people are stuck together for a long, awful time.

I like the idea of living at one's place for some time, taking a break, then living at the other person's place for some time, and taking a break again.

Which makes me think about this distance thing. If you are apart from your partner, you almost always miss them and this keeps the fire alive. So what the hell happens when you get married?

Is there a way to separate each other DURING marriage in order to recharge your passion batteries and be able to come back even stronger and more on fire for each other?

 

[Latinoman]

In my case...I spend about two weeks per month at her place. Where I help her, etc. and she also takes care of me. The other two weeks, I spend in my place (not with her). Of course, we work near by...so, we manage to see each others every day (either by commuting together or lunch).

Living together (e.g. 24/7, we $$$ responsibilities) is a HUGE mistake, because of the reasons RT described.

But using my method (which is exactly what Francisco suggested) has allowed me to understand some things that I KNOW I would have difficulty understanding when it comes to my girlfriend and HER house. Which, by the way, I don't think she would change if it was OUR house. Also...not sleeping with her those two weeks add to her WANTING to see me (e.g. sleep with me) more. Missing feeling my body as we lay together sleeping.

Sex? I still stop by and get some from time to time.

 

[Latinoman]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1079488#post1079488

 

[wayword]

Living together is a good LEARNING experience. You will learn some hard lessons about yourself, and more importantly, WOMEN.

That's the silver lining. The rest of the cloud is that it will be putting a lot of pressure on your relationship with no release valve. It's not like you can just tell her to f*** off and walk away. You will end up together in the same bed no matter what every night. You will be forced to work out your differences or break up and move out. You will basically have no leverage left.

If you were living apart, you could get some space and let some things slide. But, when you're living together her problems become your problems, your lot is thrown together and that's when tempers flare.

So, I would avoid it until after a realll long test of time...unless you're in a special situation and then get ready for some hard life lessons!

 

[Raikojo17]

theres no point to it. living together before marraig just puts a strain on the relationship. marraige makes a stronger bond on the relatioship, and without it, the pressure to just end it comes and and ends up taking effect.

like said before, statistics show that people who live together before marraige have the highest divorce rates.

that's the problem with married couples today, they expect it to be all flowers and roses, then after the first fight they think that it's not going to work out, so they split.

people need to realise that a relatioship isn't going to be perfect all the time and there are going to be conflicts, it's unavoidable. they need to learn how to deal with the bad. only then is it a true relationship.

 

[bud_2005]

I see it as that if you live together before you get married, it makes marriage a lot less special.

 

[Deep Dish]

I live with a non-married couple. Here are the dreadful highlights:

The girlfriend is sick.

Girlfriend (to boyfriend): Babe, can you move my car?

They are watching television and I need to get out of the driveway.

Girlfriend: Babe, can you move my car?

The girlfriend is cooking him dinner.

Girlfriend: Babe, can you move my car?

The girlfriend is perfectly able-bodied.

Girlfriend: Babe, can you move my car?

I'm sitting out on the patio with the boyfriend, two buddies chatting away, while she cooks in the kitchen.

Girlfriend (from the kitchen): Babe, can you get me the carrots?

You get the idea.