Live-in BF

[Frank Zappa]

Hey,

Life over all is really good, not a player, but the stream has been steady. It's been in a long time since I've really had strong feelings for someone though.

So here's my situation:

Over the past week and a half, things between me and this girl have been developing. I mean, it was innocent at first, but the tension had slowly been building. Then last week coming home from the bars, we just stood on the street and made out for a while.

Anyway, a lot of things are working in my favor:
1)She knows I'm dating other people
2)I don't call her that often
3)When we're together I always show her a good time and she gives interest signs pretty much a lot of the time at this point.

Well here's the problem. Her old BF (dated a few months) is moving back from another city in with her, but she told him he has to get his living situation in order and move out. Anyway, this guy is a classic AFC. REALLY jealous and insecure, especially of me (with good reason).

So things have been great, but the guy just moved in, and I haven't talked to her in a few days since then. I'm not sweating it too much, but I would like to eventually "win" her over. Also, I'm not cutting ties with anyone else I'm seeing either because I've learned my eggs in one basket lesson before.

I know this girl is starting to have feelings for me, and that's where I have left her off. It's been a couple days since we've spoken; what do you think is my next move?

I know I'm going to see her in a couple days because of our mutual friends and happy hour.

 

[Phyzzle]

Do I read that correctly, you met her 2 weeks ago? I dunno, her flat mates are none of your business, really. Don't change any aspect of your behavior because other guys she may or may not be talking to or living with. She doesn't owe you anything, she's not disrespecting you, so ignore it.

Anyway, if you had a real relationship, I would have sat that girl down and given her a dose of reality BEFORE that move in. I'm guessing this guy needs to find a job AND an apartment that accepts his 3 dogs, or whatever. He could be there a WHILE.

But really, I see no reason to bring it up. Just act like she lives with her mom. Just do your thing.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

So are you avoiding her or is she avoiding you?

 

[decades]

oh man. I hope you aren't serious about this girl. No sane woman would do this to her current boyfriend. It's one of the top two RED FLAGS. You are about to understand the definition of Triangulation.

 

[Phyzzle]

No sane woman would do this to her current boyfriend.

(He's not her boyfriend.)

 

[Frank Zappa]

So are you avoiding her or is she avoiding you?

Basically I'm asking yall for the next move because the ball is in my court. I know if I ask her to do anything, she will say yes. So I'm asking you what should I do? I'm going to see her on wednesday regardless due to overlapping friends.

I also am on the lookout for redflags, that's why I am not going to tolerate or put up with any bad behavior on her part.

 

[decades]

are you ok with this chick banging her ex? is this the "prize" you want to win over?

 

[jophil28]

Here is your next move -
You call her for a Starbucks meet and tell her that you don't play "standby guy " for anyone. Tell her that she can call you when the Ex B/f is back on the bus. Then get up and walk away.
Then is is HER move .

Oh BTW I would want to know for sure and for certain that she has NOT f**ked the ex since she has known you . How do you find that out? YOu flat out ask her and look closely at her face and eyes when she answers - your gut will tell you what to do next. However there is NO guarantee that she will 'fess up' .Women are great actresses when it suits them.

 

[Sinistar]

but I would like to eventually "win" her over.

...who's the prize here dude?

 

[MR_PERFECT]

You know what fascinates me? It's how we all post questions on here we know the answers to. You know the answer, Frank Zappa, but you'll do what I did yesterday and hope that 100 people will post replies, and there will be that one guy that tells you what you want to hear. She likes you and likes seeing you, but the truth is that a guy she once loved and still loves was allowed to move back in with her knowing she would lose you in the process. You cannot save this. She knows she's got you if you stay.

You'll come over to take her out and wonder why her breath smells like sweaty sack. Because this guy will eventually be nailing her, you will have to wait indefinitely before it's your turn. Oh, did I forget that you only get a turn if this guy can't win his way back in? The whole point of him coming back is to get her back. She let him stay with her because she wants to give him that chance. If you stay, you'll be in the most embarrassing situation I could imagine a man being in!

You want to win this woman over, but why? You don't know her well enough to know you want to win her over, you like the idea of her.

 

[Sinistar]

This almost ties into the other thread regarding Jealousy of ex's versus new guys.

Franks knows this whole thing is BS. Yet because she's with an 'ex' there is some type of rationalization/jusitification going on in his mind that this whole ordeal will work out fine ... or she'll go back to him and Frank will then be able to live with the consequences because she's branch swing down/back (thanks Jophil!).

Frank, try to frame it this way. The guy living with her may as well be some totally new stranger she met. She'll be spending time with him, she'll be initimate with him. And she'll want to delegate you to LJBF/girlfriend status just the same.

There's another obvious thing that is stated often. Guys are pretty independent creatures. When they ask for help, especially like this, regarding women it means something is definitely wrong with the picture. The fact you actually posted tells us more than any of the words. Your inner DJ tricked you into writing so that a bunch of fellow DJ's could cyber slap your AFC shell.

Unplug, get busy, move on and forget this woman. Find one that's into you. They are out there and they are friggin' awesome to be with.

 

[squirrels]

Play her as if he wasn't a factor. As soon as she lets him become one, drop her.

 

[MR_PERFECT]

Play her as if he wasn't a factor. As soon as she lets him become one, drop her.

He's a factor the moment he moves in. Drop her now and move on.

 

[decades]

I also am on the lookout for redflags, that's why I am not going to tolerate or put up with any bad behavior on her part.

do you have a spy camera in her bedroom? otherwise how are you going to know if there is any "bad behavior" on her part? Oh you are going to go by what she tells you? Ok. The fact is if you have any pretense at all that you two are "together" then this is a DEVALUATION of you and what you mean to her. IOW, you are her plaything to be toyed with (while she plays with X), not a man to be loved and respected. But the real red flag here is how this relationship you two have has escalated in a matter of a few weeks. All signs point to disaster here. If it were me I would run like my ass is on fire. If she ever gets her ACT together for real, and approaches you with no baggage in her bedroom, then maybe you can explore something at that point.

 

[Frank Zappa]

This almost ties into the other thread regarding Jealousy of ex's versus new guys.

Franks knows this whole thing is BS. Yet because she's with an 'ex' there is some type of rationalization/jusitification going on in his mind that this whole ordeal will work out fine ... or she'll go back to him and Frank will then be able to live with the consequences because she's branch swing down/back (thanks Jophil!).

Frank, try to frame it this way. The guy living with her may as well be some totally new stranger she met. She'll be spending time with him, she'll be initimate with him. And she'll want to delegate you to LJBF/girlfriend status just the same.

There's another obvious thing that is stated often. Guys are pretty independent creatures. When they ask for help, especially like this, regarding women it means something is definitely wrong with the picture. The fact you actually posted tells us more than any of the words. Your inner DJ tricked you into writing so that a bunch of fellow DJ's could cyber slap your AFC shell.

Unplug, get busy, move on and forget this woman. Find one that's into you. They are out there and they are friggin' awesome to be with.

Thanks guys... Just what I needed.