Letting dreams die. A beta male's story.

[samspade]

You've misunderstood my original post. My issue isn't really about women/my wife, and it certainly isn't about her "running my show." This is about figuring out what a man is supposed to be at a particular point in his life. What's acceptable by a certain age and what isn't? Are some dreams (even one that's not even big) better left behind if not realized by a certain age? These are issues that can arise with or without a woman in the picture.

You've fallen into a trap of thinking certain endeavors are not "mature" or "acceptable." Fukk all that noise. What other people think is worthless. Are YOU happy? What would make you happy? As long as you can face the consequences of your choices, you can do anything. Lots of people pursued their dreams around your age. Actor Carroll O'Connor, chef Julia Child, just to name a couple. Not saying you will be famous like them, but that is not the point is it? The point is to derive some pleasure out of life. Playing music, in my opinion, is a terrific outlet. You can buy a secondhand guitar on Craigslist for peanuts. Stop equivocating, grow some balls, and get your hobby on.

 

[Colossus]

AAAgent had a great post. It's deceptively simple too...most people don't achieve dreams because they are HARD, and it take too much time for their liking. Hence the massive debt levels that are acceptable in America today, and a lot of 30-40 somethings who have "decent" lives, but not lives that are really compelling and fulfilling to them.

I'll use my graduate work as an analogy. I worked really hard (aka LONG) just to GET IN to grad school. I grinded away, day after day, year after year, taking classes I didn't wanna take, doing internships I didn't wanna do, and filling out countless applications along with thousands of dollars in fees. When I finally got to the interview process, I got ONE interview, was wait listed, and didn't get in. Boom, another full year setback. So more working at a dead-end research job to bolster my resume, more applications, more writing. The next year I really got my ducks in order early and got a half dozen interviews right off the bat. I ended up getting in to a top tier program, not because I had a stellar GPA or amazing test scores, but because I did things for years that other people weren't willing to do. I volunteered, did silly internships, took the MCATs twice, humbled myself in front of big time physicians, all just to get my foot in the door. At times it was super depressing. My friends did 'easier' grad programs and were getting jobs, engaged, houses, etc....and here I was grinding away at a $15/hr job at 27 years old.

But now, fast forward 3.5 years, after getting though 2 solid years of SUCKAGE in grad school, almost not making it, having a terrible first job....I'm doing pretty well. I'm finally starting to realize the dreams and goals I had envisioned for myself 7 or 8 years ago. I make a good living, I work an awesome schedule and I'm never on call. In my free time I lift weights, hike, backpack, snowshoe, climb, and smoke herb at my leisure. I have a sweet girlfriend in part because of Game and my own personal development. I am living in the region I want to live in, and I pick up new "micro-hobbies" all the time.

Granted, there is still a LOT I want to do, but all of this has taught me why more people aren't happy or perceive themselves as successful: Because they aren't willing to endure temporary hardships and discomfort for long term gain. It's also taught me that goals are relative, and they should only matter to YOU. There were people in my class 7 years younger than me who had been academic standouts their whole life and made all the right steps and had all the family and financial support they needed. Yeah, school was hard for them too, but for me realizing a big goal was so much sweeter because I started from scratch, started late, and was completely self-made.

So anyways, not tooting my own horn here----there are people way more educated than me making way more money than me, but the point is I did what I set out to do by grinding through the low-grade misery and discomfort and not quitting. It sucked balls, but I have the type of lifestyle I want now, and essentially have locked myself into a high-paying profession for life, provided I maintain my credentials and don't job-hop.

So Mr. Beta, grab your nuts and start doing things you may not want to do so you can reap the dividends in the future.

And, as a side note, you may not have been implicitly looking for marriage advice, but I'm not sure you understand the implications of being a beta inside of a marriage. Just food for thought.

 

[dangdang]

I was so smitten with her that just a few weeks later I sold most of my music gear and "quit" playing; that was strictly my choice, and I did that without anyone knowing until after the fact. My wife told me she was sad when I told her I had done that. She's always been very supportive and has always liked the fact that I'm a "musician."

I don't mean to be rude bud, but I think you're super lucky this hasn't caused you more problems sooner.

I've learned in the last few months, that a real women, who truly is into you, will stand by your side on something even if she doesn't like it. (the old adage, one would rather share a winner, than have 100% of a loser has been a paradoxical shift that I'm finding to be true more often than not, no matter what we were taught growing up)

Perhaps I'm missing the point here, but I don't get why you decided to dox a passionate hobby right when you met her?

 

[Ballie57]

AAA

Well done! I am abrupt - But if the Beta males post here. They will get tough love from this forum

 

[zekko]

As I said before, I'm not looking to make a career out of it nor do I even care if I sell a single album. It's about starting and finishing something and being able to tell myself "I did this." I'm all too familiar with what is possible today as far as recording goes, but the "how" was never my issue; it's the "should."

If this is something you want to do, what is stopping you?

By the way, I hate to say this, but I have known more than a few musician types who have had their interests strangled by domineering women. The woman considered the guy's hobby as a waste of time and money, and "childish" like you say. And they would push for him to sell off his stuff. And some have, and some have regretted it. Hopefully your wife doesn't fall into this category of woman. I think the real issue in these cases were the women were jealous of their husband's hobby - because of the interest itself, and also the social contacts that came with it.

 

[FairShake]

Being a husband/dad and shredding on the guitar are not mutually exclusive. You can do both. Personally I think being a dad AND guitar god is one of the coolest combinations in the neighborhood.

 

[so damn BETA]

If this is something you want to do, what is stopping you?

By the way, I hate to say this, but I have known more than a few musician types who have had their interests strangled by domineering women. The woman considered the guy's hobby as a waste of time and money, and "childish" like you say. And they would push for him to sell off his stuff. And some have, and some have regretted it. Hopefully your wife doesn't fall into this category of woman. I think the real issue in these cases were the women were jealous of their husband's hobby - because of the interest itself, and also the social contacts that came with it.

As I mentioned in the original post, my wife has always been supportive, liked the fact that I was a musician, and told me she was sad when I sold most of my stuff.
I just don't want to come across as a midlife crisis guy, or the musician version of the "weekend warriors" in the movie "Wild Hogs." I don't quite know what a 40-year-old married dad is supposed to be into besides being a family man.
I've also changed my look to be more traditionally "dad-like"...short sleeve polo shirts, khaki pants, etc...so I don't look like a "musician" anymore, and as a result it's hard to feel like one now.

 

[fredhib]

Forget music.
Don't buy the guitar.
Don't fall for the midlife crisis, it's ridiculous.
Make yourself an example for your children.
Ask your wife what you're supposed to be, and follow it.

 

[Warrior74]

Forget music.
Don't buy the guitar.
Don't fall for the midlife crisis, it's ridiculous.
Make yourself an example for your children.
Ask your wife what you're supposed to be, and follow it.

I assume this is reverse psychology or trolling. Because this is horrible advice.

 

[samspade]

As I mentioned in the original post, my wife has always been supportive, liked the fact that I was a musician, and told me she was sad when I sold most of my stuff.
I just don't want to come across as a midlife crisis guy, or the musician version of the "weekend warriors" in the movie "Wild Hogs." I don't quite know what a 40-year-old married dad is supposed to be into besides being a family man.
I've also changed my look to be more traditionally "dad-like"...short sleeve polo shirts, khaki pants, etc...so I don't look like a "musician" anymore, and as a result it's hard to feel like one now.

"Identity Trap: The belief that you should be someone other than yourself. You need to be true to yourself. Find out who you are; be yourself; do things your own way."

 

[LiveFreeX]

They're still single w/no kids and I can't really relate to them anymore. Whenever I do hang out with one of them, which is rare, I'm eager to go home before long...not because I don't like him, but because we usually end up talking about stuff from back in the day; there's nothing new there to build on. I recently ran into a former bandmate from when I was in my early 20s, with whom I had a falling out back then (over pretty much nothing) when I was 22/23. We got to talking, and he asked me to hang out one day. I came to find that 17 years later, he's up to the SAME exact crap as he was back then (and he's 6-7 years older than me). No progression whatsoever, and he didn't quite seem to understand that I have changed a lot since then. The whole thing felt so played out and I just couldn't relate.

You sound like a good dad, I think your only problem is that you married an American woman and divorce is likely imminent if you don't put on the 'bad boy' act. Go get yourself a proper Axe, grow your hair out and rock out in those khakis! Hack out some tunes, your kids will respect you even more and if you get a keyboard and teach them how to play they will get through highschool faster and have an easier time with MATH... plus your boys will be able to pull women faster. I believe piano lessons also counts towards credits in highschool ((In Canada at least). If you have girls... sh1t man, go back to community college and try and get a good job because girls will want to marry their father's archetype. Might also want to read the Alchemist.

There's absolutely no good reason not to do what you love. Teach your kids how to play and get a small family band together, you don't have to be a musician, just be a hero to your kids... when I was younger my dad would take me with him to work, I loved doing that. He was fortunate to work in something he loved but I was just proud to be a part of something my dad liked doing... showbiz is a bs industry though, glad I didn't follow in his foot steps. Maybe you can do something similar for your kids. Join a weekend warriors band and take them with you to see a show. Who cares about your wife, if you need another one, you can always come to Asia, hehe.

Otherwise I can relate as far as friends go, several of mine are still doing the exact same thing they were doing at 20, albeit less successfully... or maybe the same... when you are 20, being a failure/fvckup isn't so bad/noticeable. When we get talking, they often get angry at me or accuse me of 'selling out' or joining 'the system'... meh, I'm happy, married and have money in the bank while most of them are broke and still trying to 'figure it all out'.

The big 3 jobs right now btw (only req. 1 year of education)
1. Welder
2. Millwright/CNC op
3. Directional Driller (Oil Hand) <-- this one pays $282,000/year

All are hard jobs and suck...but if you like money and want to pick up your life a bit, maybe going back to school would be in order.

So anyways, not tooting my own horn here----there are people way more educated than me making way more money than me,

There are also people way less educated than you making more money. Education does not guarntee $$$ or Liberal Arts' majors would be millionaires. Education can be a gateway to something better but you've got to pick the right stuff from the getgo. I've got pretty much nothing and make more than most people doing less work, my certification took me about a week. It's also about looking at the job market and finding out what is in short supply in a given area, then being the best at that thing. You will never be 'stuck' as long as you follow that. My old man had no education (not even highschool) and built his own business and made his own way.

 

[fredhib]

Forget music.
Don't buy the guitar.
Don't fall for the midlife crisis, it's ridiculous.
Make yourself an example for your children.
Ask your wife what you're supposed to be, and follow it.[/QUOTE]

I assume this is reverse psychology or trolling. Because this is horrible advice.

Just irony.

I'm starting to think "so damn BETA" is the one trolling. I don't even see his problem. What is the tradeoff in picking up a guitar again?
What if it was running or reading that he used to do for years, stopped doing for a while, and now wants to resume it?
Even his wife supports it. I don't see the dilemma or conflict.

 

[MatureDJ]

As a fellow musician (mainly an amateur, with only a few low paid gigs), I will add my 2 half-notes ...

I don't think the OP decided to cast off his musical hobby just because he he met a woman. I think that he saw that the importance that the music had had over his entire life, and its effects, such as having the type of lower job he had instead of the "real" job he has now, was something he wanted to move on from. The musician's life can be quite perilous and actually be a bit of drag on improving one's standard of living in pursuit of the "dream". The fact that he had met a woman with which he wanted to be with made giving that up a bit easier, and even a bit of an excuse to the dream side of his personality. He also felt that the best way to move on was to sell all his stuff, lest he be tempted to go back. Unless storing all his stuff was a big deal - or he got a good price for it - I would have kept it, but that's me.

My sister went through a similar situation - she was a big time jock in high school, but knew that she wanted to be more ladylike, so going to college was her ticket to stop all of that (she passed up getting a scholarship in one of her sports.) Of course, she got on the sports bandwagon again when she married another jock and their kids got into sports.

In some ways, I even went through a change - but for me it was spending my time carousing at night, getting shot down by women.

 

[Atom Smasher]

AAAgent had a great post. It's deceptively simple too...most people don't achieve dreams because they are HARD, and it take too much time for their liking. Hence the massive debt levels that are acceptable in America today, and a lot of 30-40 somethings who have "decent" lives, but not lives that are really compelling and fulfilling to them.

I'll use my graduate work as an analogy. I worked really hard (aka LONG) just to GET IN to grad school. I grinded away, day after day, year after year, taking classes I didn't wanna take, doing internships I didn't wanna do, and filling out countless applications along with thousands of dollars in fees. When I finally got to the interview process, I got ONE interview, was wait listed, and didn't get in. Boom, another full year setback. So more working at a dead-end research job to bolster my resume, more applications, more writing. The next year I really got my ducks in order early and got a half dozen interviews right off the bat. I ended up getting in to a top tier program, not because I had a stellar GPA or amazing test scores, but because I did things for years that other people weren't willing to do. I volunteered, did silly internships, took the MCATs twice, humbled myself in front of big time physicians, all just to get my foot in the door. At times it was super depressing. My friends did 'easier' grad programs and were getting jobs, engaged, houses, etc....and here I was grinding away at a $15/hr job at 27 years old.

But now, fast forward 3.5 years, after getting though 2 solid years of SUCKAGE in grad school, almost not making it, having a terrible first job....I'm doing pretty well. I'm finally starting to realize the dreams and goals I had envisioned for myself 7 or 8 years ago. I make a good living, I work an awesome schedule and I'm never on call. In my free time I lift weights, hike, backpack, snowshoe, climb, and smoke herb at my leisure. I have a sweet girlfriend in part because of Game and my own personal development. I am living in the region I want to live in, and I pick up new "micro-hobbies" all the time.

Granted, there is still a LOT I want to do, but all of this has taught me why more people aren't happy or perceive themselves as successful: Because they aren't willing to endure temporary hardships and discomfort for long term gain. It's also taught me that goals are relative, and they should only matter to YOU. There were people in my class 7 years younger than me who had been academic standouts their whole life and made all the right steps and had all the family and financial support they needed. Yeah, school was hard for them too, but for me realizing a big goal was so much sweeter because I started from scratch, started late, and was completely self-made.

So anyways, not tooting my own horn here----there are people way more educated than me making way more money than me, but the point is I did what I set out to do by grinding through the low-grade misery and discomfort and not quitting. It sucked balls, but I have the type of lifestyle I want now, and essentially have locked myself into a high-paying profession for life, provided I maintain my credentials and don't job-hop.

So Mr. Beta, grab your nuts and start doing things you may not want to do so you can reap the dividends in the future.

And, as a side note, you may not have been implicitly looking for marriage advice, but I'm not sure you understand the implications of being a beta inside of a marriage. Just food for thought.

Quoted in case anyone missed this gold first time around.

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Colossus again."

 

[Slickster]

Buy a guitar and just play already!

I played a gig this past summer. My wife loved it.

How is having a guitar in the house going to change your life?

 

[Alvafe]

I will jump witht he crowd here

OP you should still play, playing guitar can be your hobby so its something you should do, just because you like it, you work and do all your things so tell me why youa re not supose to do something you like? because it don't give money? tell you what why don't stop breathing too, it don't give you money too.

you can always play for yourself or try to hit some gigs here and there some nights druing weekends if you want, or not just play at your birthday or children birthday. the important is do something you like the mariage advice you get for free is something you should get in mind, it can be minor but the truth is you lose a point with your wife when you droped your music, I don't remember who said it but someone said this, " a woman try to change a man her whole life and when she does, she complains he is not the man she married.

and lets get real here only diference we have from our childhood with being a growth up is we pay for our toys and now the toys are bigger. and you should do what you feel you like not hope for reasurance from others

 

[lifeislearning]

Your wife, career, children, friends, and everything else aside (I'm sure they're all lovely), try to stay on point OP.

This thread is about your life goals right? Accomplishments. Legacy. The things you carry in your head and heart, that no man can claim and no woman can gain from you.

Life is short. You will die. Effort is hard. Complaining is easy.

In 2014 would you rather continue this painful neglect of your dreams, or see some progress, any progress made toward something you want from your life?

Sure, if you try you will face failures big and small. Success is far from certain. Is the joy you receive worth failure? Many think so, but only you know that answer. Take a look through past posts and you will see EVERY member of these forums lament over past failures in pursuit of what we want. Only you know what you want to achieve, and what is necessary to realize that.

Are you wiling to make that effort?

If so, turn to us for support anytime. We all know the joy of success and the sting of failure, and they often lie on the same path familiar to us

 

[Trailboss]

You've misunderstood my original post. My issue isn't really about women/my wife, and it certainly isn't about her "running my show." This is about figuring out what a man is supposed to be at a particular point in his life. What's acceptable by a certain age and what isn't? Are some dreams (even one that's not even big) better left behind if not realized by a certain age? These are issues that can arise with or without a woman in the picture.

Bro...the whole idea that you have to even *ask* yourself this question means you have lost. Your not Alpha *or* Beta...your just lost.

The idea that you have to Grow up and Accept Responsibility...victim of shaming tactics used by women to get men to give up being themselves and instead, devote themselves purely to taking care of them.

Bottom line is, you sold yourself out for steady puzzy....cus that's all marriage is: steady puzzy. Until you say "I do" anyway...then it's only when she wants it...

From what you say, you did a bait & switch on her..and you will PAY in the end. I guarantee you she is thinking about ending this marriage. I have been there twice: she seems *so* supportive...on the surface. Underneath, she is looking for the guy she married. And she *will* find him...it just won't be with you.