Jokes

[insanity is humanity]

I tried to catch a frog earlier. I mist

How does a backwards poet write? Inverse

Why cant your nose be 12"in long? Because thennit would be a foot.

 

[Rave18]

Smart thinking helps

Moshe the Carpenter, returning home with his week's wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.

"Take my money," said Moshe, "but do me a favour: Shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won't believe I was robbed."

The robber obliged. He threw Moshes' hat into the air and put a bullet through it.

"Let's make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers," said Moshe" otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of holes through my coat."

So the robber shot a number of holes through the carpenter's coat.

"And now…"

"Sorry," interrupted the robber. "No more holes. I'm out of bullets."

"That's all I wanted to know!" said Moshe - "Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you've ruined or I'll beat you black and blue!"

 

[Rave18]

Friendzone

http://runt-of-the-web.com/friendzone

 

[Rave18]

Just For Laughs Gags

YouTube channel > https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpsSadsgX_Qk9i6i_bJoUwQ

Enjoy

 

[Rave18]

Took me a while...

https://twitter.com/MensHumor/status/488693852526477312/photo/1

 

[Rave18]

Two good ones

The Vow of Silence

A young man named Gino is accepted into a very strict monastic order which emphasises silence. Upon his initiation he is told that he will have the right to speak only two words to the head monk every 10 years. He is shown to his narrow cell and on his first night, he realises that a rat has invaded his mattress and the stuffing is coming out. He tosses and turns but finds it very difficult to get a good night’s sleep with the damaged mattress. However, being very dedicated to his spiritual calling, he endures the situation for 10 years. Finally, he finds himself in front of the head monk. The monk regards him sternly and nods, indicating that Brother Gino can now speak. Gino says, “Damaged mattress.” The head Monk scribbles a note in his ledger and gestures to the door.

Later, workmen come and bring a new mattress. Gino is very happy about his new mattress as this means that for the first time in 10 years he will be able to have a decent sleep. Once the workmen have left, however, he discovers that they have broken a part of his window while moving the mattress. Cold winds blow, followed by torrential rains. The rain enters his room through the hole in the window and makes his new mattress wet. He has a terrible time trying to keep warm in his damp blanket and wet mattress.

The years pass, and finally it is time for him to see the head monk again for his two words. He sits in front of the head monk despondently and says: “broken window!” The head monk nods and scribbles a note in his ledger, then shows Gino to the door.

Workmen come and fix the window and Gino feels better than he has in years. He believes he will at last get a wonderful cozy sleep without danger of wind and rain coming into his cell. However, as he is getting ready for bed he realises that in fixing the window, the workmen have somehow broken the leg of his bed. The bed is tilted at a crazy angle and all night he finds himself sliding down sideways. 10 more years pass.

Finally, Gino finds himself in front of the head monk again. The head monk is now old and stooped and Gino has greying hair and looks haggard. The head monk taps his cane on the floor indicating that brother Gino can speak. Gino says: “I’m leaving!” The head monk replies, “It is to be expected. Since you have come you have done nothing but complain!”
-
Little Ernie

Little Ernie goes up to his father after school one day. “Dad,” says Ernie, “the teacher started talking about economics today and I don’t understand a thing.”

“Well,” says his father thinking for a moment. “Put it this way: In this household, I bring in the money, so I am capital. Your mom does the housekeeping; that is management. The maid does the work – she is labour. And your baby brother, well, he is the future.”

Little Ernie wakes up in the middle of the night when his baby brother screams to have his diaper changed. Ernie goes to his parents’ room to find his mother fast asleep. He then goes to the maid’s room to find his father making love to the maid. So he changes the diaper himself.

As he gets back into bed, little Ernie reflects, “Now, I understand economics. Management is asleep, capital is screwing labour and the future stinks.”

 

[Rave18]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word the blonde shrugs, reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
-
Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

 

[Rave18]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
-
Advice for an Old Guy

I am not too old, I think!
I was working out at the gym the other day, when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....
I asked the trainer standing next to me…
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked me over and said:

"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
-
Senior Citizen trying to set a password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER:1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYour%@#IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYour%@#IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use. :crackup:

 

[Rave18]

Pearls Before Swine
-
Trying to Help

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
-
Learning Information

Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time'.

Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman'.

The priest asks, 'was it Mrs Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply.

'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? Again the reply was 'No, Father'.

'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat said, Father, I'll not be teling you the lady's name!

So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.

Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did you do'? Pat said, 'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects'!
-
The Millionaire

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.

"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."

He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."
-
Religion in Ireland

There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. "What's your religion?" he heard the man growl.

Bobby (the player) had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.

Thinking quickly he said "I'm Jewish." and the man replied, "Oh Allah I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland."

 

[Bible_Belt]

I hit a little kid with my car the other day. Don't worry! It wasn't serious. (nobody saw me).

- Anthony Jeselnik

 

[Rave18]

A monkey bullies two tigers!

 

[Rave18]

Swear it wasn't me

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,

"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs,

"Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

 

[Rave18]

Escaping the jaws of death....

Bob has returned from a trip into the Canadian Wilderness. He is describing his adventures to his friend Mike.

"I escaped the jaws of death!" exclaims Bob. I was on a mountain trail, when suddenly a huge bear ambled out from behind a tree and rose up on its hind legs in a position of attack! I had so much adrenaline pumping through me I could have run a marathon race! I bolted immediately down the path, trying to escape the bear who was in hot pursuit! He was so close, I could hear his heavy breathing just behind me! Then, luckily, he slipped, and I was able to gather speed and move ahead. But, soon afterwards, he was close on me again, so close he ripped my shirt with his claws! I prayed to God and all the Saints to spare my life and just afterwards, he slipped again! I doubled my speed, and luckily, there was a river which I was able to swim over to safety on the other bank. The bear reached the side of the river I had swam from, sniffed the air and then turned back the way he had come.

"My God!" Exclaimed Mike. "If that had happened to me I would have **** my pants!" "What the hell do you think the bear was slipping on?" replies Bob.
-
Had come across this on SS, but I can't find the thread.

http://youtu.be/gC6JY0V-zFQ

 

[Rave18]

America's Funniest Home Videos

YouTube channel > https://www.youtube.com/user/AFVofficial

Enjoy

 

[Rave18]

Hank Azaria and Jay Leno

 

[Rave18]

The President decides he needs to know who is the best agency he has, for finding suspects, so he devises a test. He takes the CIA, the FBI, and the LAPD and gives them each a 100 acre woodland and tells them to find a rabbit.

The CIA, sets up listening posts, hires raccoon informants, brings satellite surveillance into play. After a month they report to the President that, it is unlikely that there is a rabbit in the woodlot, but if there was it was likely to have weapons of mass destruction.

The FBI comes in and surrounds their woodland, demanding that the rabbit comes out. During the subsequent siege they burn down the hundred acres. Their report blames the rabbit.

After a short while a patrol car from the LAPD pulls up to their woodland. Two officers get out and walk off into the bush. About 15 minutes later they walk out, with a badly beaten bear in handcuffs. The bear is screaming "Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
-

Guy knocks on the door at 3:00 in the morning.

Husband gets out of bed, goes to the door, opens it and a drunk is standing there who says,"I need a push!".

Husband says, "What are you? Crazy?" and slams the door in the drunks face and goes back to bed.

Wife asks, "Who was that?" and husband tells her it was a drunk.

She says, "Wait a minute. Do you remember when we got stuck about three months ago and you knocked on somebody's door for help. Get dressed and help this guy."

So the husband gets dressed, goes to the door, opens it looking for the drunken guy.

"Okay! where are you?

The drunk replies, "Over here, by the swing!"
-

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (72), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says.....

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that."
-

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
-

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PR...AISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
-

Also read and please contribute > http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=201337

 

[Rave18]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2742146/He-s-real-Mickey-Mouse-driver-Bizarre-road-rage-incident-sees-beloved-Disney-character-SpongeBob-SquarePants-beat-minivan-owner.html
-

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
-

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

 

[Special EDy]

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

 

[Rave18]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
-

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
-

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
-

https://twitter.com/stephanpastis/status/510811575423213568/photo/1
-

Good one : https://twitter.com/neilstrauss/status/507593568681091072/photo/1

 

[Rave18]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling "Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!" She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left. The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the hell did she roll anyway?" The second dealer answered, "I thought you were paying attention!"