I'm posting here so I don't masturbate. I'm so horny I can't focus on anything and jeezus this is hard. Not working out because of the heat. Makes it worse.
30/11/11
No idea.
1/12/11
Thursday. Chilled at home, went out for a bit with some friends. The only hot one- who I also don't know thank ****- got stoned and just ended up giggling. I got really nervous for some reason and started to second guess myself, intention would have helped. A lot.
Had some interesting fb convos. One with Norwegian, one with this kid in year 8 at my school. He basically messaged me asking how to be like me, he thinks I'm a pimp. I should probably mention my school is academic selective and as such less than ten other guys in my year have had sex. I also have reputation of talking to randoms and generally being social, I have a sneaking suspicion people suspect I was using for a while as well...
Anyway, I explained abundance to him and gave him some tips for parties. He gave me a list of girls in Yr8 I should go for. He's a cool kid but he's like... Well, every kid at that age, doesn't have the experience or knowledge to hook-up and has weird, partially formed ideas of how to do it. He wont learn naturally either because of this school environment so I will teach him.
Oh ****, nearly forgot, I did like a dozen approaches. No follow through at all though. Today lacked that.
2/12/11
Same as yesterday except with one friend. I hate this ****.
So we hang out, blah blah, I talk to some strangers and do some other reckless stupid **** for fun and self amusement. Her hot friend is supposed to come down, doesn't but I text her and get some laughs out of that. I texted "Make it up." she replied "Sure" I replied "Sex?" she retaliated (I got sick of replied) "If that's what you want
" paraphrased.
The chick I was with got pissed. It isn't a secret she has had a crush on me for ages but she loves me in an annoyingly needy way. She often texts me, then calls me as I'm reading the text. Pet peeve.
So day goes on, she breaks up with her boyfriend then asks me to come with her to ball. I say yes but make it known it is as friends- or rather try to, she talks over me about alcohol and wanting to make meth. This chick couldn't bake cookies, meth is out of the picture. I explain to her red phosphorous is only made in one plant within the state and stealing it would be impossible, thus cooking would be impossible. She (tries to, I'm loud) talk over me about how she isn't sure about the break-up. Wants reassurance it was the right thing to do. I do, she wants it repeatedly every single sentence.
Visit some people at my old work, I mainly piss them off. My personality has changed a bit since I worked there and I lacked confidence while I did. Now I have it back. Still I was dominant and in control, maybe the pissing off was just an illusion from my mind created state.
Long story short, I ended up being depressed by the constant irritating attempts for her hinting she is into me and eventually OTHER PEOPLES overt comments about us being a couple and visible assumptions we were dating. Old people gave us a knowing smile.
I was pissed and people were ****ing with me over it. I kept cool on the outside but I wanted to punch this ****y ****, I settled with pissing him off.
As soon as I went quiet and we were alone she started touching me a ****tonne asking what was wrong. I got moodier. Eventually I deteriorated to staring at strangers and petty crime. Made me feel better.
I walked the fcuk off when she started pissing me off, she was freaked by the fact I was so quiet and aversive so she wanted me to leave anyway.
All of this ^^ is an overcomplicated look at my life situation, basically an unattractive girl who I am alright friends with has a huge unwieldy crush on me. Actually, at my school the exact same thing has happened and apparently she is asking me to the ball Tuesday. I mentioned it above. On the 22/11/11 post. ADVICEWANTED.
I got home after I decided to walk to clear my head. I actually stopped and watched a spider make a web. This girl who walked past. I should mention it is just after sunset, so this girl should by all rights be scared by me standing in the middle of the path in the dark in a dark mood, especially when I'm six-two and built. I just nod and say "Spider" and she smiles.
At home I lay down and let my mind go blank. I started to feel better. I got on facebook and had a conversation about my emotions and shlt with one girl, culminating in talk about living for the moment. I started that conversation with some pun about her ball date, I like puns. I had another talk about England with this girl who approached me last semester who works near my school. She gave me the kiss vibe and I aborted, basically what she did to the conversation. Though she did agree Russell Brand is basically British me
Another chat with this girl at my school who is a virgin about sex and stuff, Ima regular sexpert. Another chat with a girl I met on a bus. That one was boring. AND I chatted to a friend who has fallen off the face of the planet. She was just posting up a quick ft status to say she was at her friends but we talked a bit and it was nice.
The virgin chat, I took it sexual just like I used to. Of course it still worked, even if I felt awkward, because the laws of nature don't change overnight.
Got tired, went to bed.
The Third
Party tonight. Girl from yesterday and the day before's birthday. She's already called me to ask if I'm coming again and ask me to come early because I'm tall and muscular and can thus hang tinsel on the roof.
After the party I'm going to get high and walk home to see if the world floods into me again. That happened on the 27, the world grew for me and melded with me on some level and gave me back this confidence I had been craving to approach. I feel stagnant when I'm not out or working out right now, watched some movies and meditated a bit but I crave talking. I assume when I get hornier I'll crave sex instead.
