is she even interested?

[Reckoning]

I hooked up with this one girl (19 yo) on nights out a bunch of times to the point where we just started greeting with a kiss whenever we met, but never really talked about what we are (I never start that conversation, and she didn't do it this time either). After a while she called me out about me wanting to hang out only when whoever I'm out with on a night out goes home and that "whatever this is, I don't actually like casual hookups and being in reserve for someone".
Even though I totally got the casual vibe from her, but she withheld sex the entire time.

I told her I can't just tell someone who invited me for drinks "yeah I'm off now cya mate" in the middle of it, and that I call to meet late because almost nothing is really open on workdays after 1am in my city and that we can talk about the other thing, since we didn't have a chance to so far. Only to have her respond "It doesn't matter, we don't have to talk, we can end this, whatever this is". I said "So, bottom line, I want to talk, you want to end it, is that the point you're trying to get across here?". "Yes." "What a short conversation this could've been".

Now I'm just going to ignore her, hook up with a plate or whatever (it's Friday night tonight), but I don't get what's her deal, all this time we hung out, I didn't actually get to know her, she seems really shallow talking about current events and people most of the time, but she's actually a smart girl. Is she not interested in a relationship? Was she expecting me to start the "what are we" talk? If she does approach me to talk, what should my general stance be?

 

[Reckoning]

Also it's entirely possible she got a general player vibe from me chatting up other girls from time to time, even though I was the one being approached. I always ended up making out with her though.

 

[WanderingMan]

I told her I can't just tell someone who invited me for drinks "yeah I'm off now cya mate" in the middle of it, and that I call to meet late because almost nothing is really open on workdays after 1am in my city and that we can talk about the other thing, since we didn't have a chance to so far. Only to have her respond "It doesn't matter, we don't have to talk, we can end this, whatever this is". I said "So, bottom line, I want to talk, you want to end it, is that the point you're trying to get across here?". "Yes." "What a short conversation this could've been".

Eh, sounds like her hamster was spinning and you tried to respond with something logical. Not sure what the best course of action here is but...

Now I'm just going to ignore her, hook up with a plate or whatever (it's Friday night tonight),

.....^this sounds good.

but I don't get what's her deal, all this time we hung out, I didn't actually get to know her, she seems really shallow talking about current events and people most of the time, but she's actually a smart girl. Is she not interested in a relationship?

Relationship? Seems kind of early for one of those, doesn't it?

Was she expecting me to start the "what are we" talk? If she does approach me to talk, what should my general stance be?

Maybe, but why would you bring up a relationship with her? If it was me, my general stance would be that this chick isn't worth my time.

 

[RangerMIke]

She's not interested. Don't think you can turn this around. Much better to just start fresh with another woman.

 

[Serenity]

She may very well be interested in a relationship, if I were you I would assume it. Problem is as you and her pointed out in your post, your actions do not point in the direction of a relationship. So she may be interested, but you're not because you're not sure. The "what are we?" talk does not have to end in a decision. You can be interested, but not ready to decide yet. In that case you can say you're interested, but not ready to decide yet. That would be an honest answer letting her know you're considering it, might even make her work a little harder to raise your interest.

The question is not what she wants, it's what you want. When you know you gotta let her know, better be sure about what you want though and why.

I've been seeing a girl for a month now, little talk about relationship status. Just been hanging out, cuddling, kissing and going on double dates with friends. I wasn't sure I wanted her as my girlfriend, but I always made sure she understood I wanted to see her again. Could be talking about plans next week, saying I'm excited to see her again or talking like she's a part of my plans. I realized I probably won't stop seeing her, so I asked her today about being my girlfriend (the what are we talk). She said yes and the only real difference is what we tell people, a lot of people have asked if we're officially a couple lately. So why not, I have no plans on going back to spinning plates, I fvcking hate being a living dildo.

Point is that a relationship is more than fvcking, kissing and shallow small talk. Although a large part of it is just that there's also the crucial one on one dialogue, how you feel, what you want and stuff you don't tell any idiot. It's called emotional intimacy, without it you're just a player.

 

[Reckoning]

I'm getting mixed responses from you and mixed signals from her. I know its hard to judge by what I can write to you guys from here, but the general future situation is this: We will hardly see each other when I leave this town in a week or two, until September when I can -maybe- come back.

She is probably very much aware of this, because I know I am. Granted she is moving to the city where I live in, and just signed up to my university (I'm 3rd year), but considering we lack any real closeness other than making out(there was some bed stuff which I'm pretty sure she doesn't do just like that), and I've put in some effort to establishing a real connection, but she seems aloof, prefers to listen to me rather than talk, I don't think it's manageable.

Tonight I talked with a plate about random stuff in plain sight of her, but she obviously lost interest since I straight up stood her up multiple times by just hooking up with the one I'm talking about here. I didn't try to close her, because I was drunk af(make no mistake I know how to behave regardless) and honestly hoping the girl would approach me eventually. I didn't lose any face though, when I was on my way out of the bar, she kinda stumbled while dancing, in passing I told her "friendly advice, try not to stumble so much". She giggled and thanked me but it was basically whatever.

I just don't see a way for me to approach her without losing face and eventually asking her to be in a relationship. I mean, if she was interested, she would agree to at least talk to me about it, no matter how disappointed she was by my casual handling, right?

 

[Reckoning]

Although a large part of it is just that there's also the crucial one on one dialogue, how you feel, what you want and stuff you don't tell any idiot. It's called emotional intimacy, without it you're just a player.

Yeah I feel you, but the problem is, when we hook up drunk, I get more talkative, and I don't just talk random unfun bull****, I tell her the most interesting stories about me I can come up with, and she laughs and laughs and comments on them, but barely comes up with something similar. I can't conclude if she's that boring, that much of a closed person, or am I just another guy to fill a void she has because she's damaged.

 

[RangerMIke]

Women who are interested in you do not give you mixed signals. If you are getting mixed signals save yourself time and just move. Mixed signs is just a longer version of no thank you.

 

[kraytkiller]

You want to get in a relationship with a girl who shows low interest and barely talks to you, and then make it into a long distance relationship?

You should check your mindset, sounds like oneitis

 

[Reckoning]

You want to get in a relationship with a girl who shows low interest and barely talks to you, and then make it into a long distance relationship?

You should check your mindset, sounds like oneitis

No man, I wanna fvck her, if it's a relationship she needs before that happens, I've got no issues to make it a long distance one and then do whatever I want over there while she's doing her low contact thing, it's pretty much perfect.

 

[Reckoning]

Thought I'd let you know, the definite conclusion to this adventure is: she hooked up with another guy actually, I found out today, holding hands and ****. It probably barely means anything to her, she's definitely going for quantity over quality in her life right now. She's not easy when it comes to sex, and I got quite far, but not quite there.

Hooked up with a plate tonight in plain sight, she was decently pissed off and tried to hide it (a friend told me). While exiting the bar with the plate, I rubbed her head to ruin her haircut a little (she was seated with her back towards me), and that's pretty much it.

It's not a total win, but I'm satisfied with things.

 

[Serenity]

Yeah I feel you, but the problem is, when we hook up drunk, I get more talkative, and I don't just talk random unfun bull****, I tell her the most interesting stories about me I can come up with, and she laughs and laughs and comments on them, but barely comes up with something similar. I can't conclude if she's that boring, that much of a closed person, or am I just another guy to fill a void she has because she's damaged.

We were both drunk as fvck when I met my current girlfriend, drunk or not it doesn't mean sh!t. I took her home, she woke up next to me and she later found out she enjoyed it. I knew getting to know her drunk would be a mess, so I had to be with her sober or not at all. Telling funny stories making her laugh and her not doing it means one thing, you're entertaining her. You're giving more than you get, what I do in such situations is to shut up until she speaks. Also telling the best stuff first is a good way to burn out, what happens when you run out of stories? You've made yourself out to be awesome, but it's a disappointment to see who you are in the moment without funny stories.

You're the one mixing the signals here. From your description given it's accurate and true I understand why she's acting this way. Most girls have acted this way towards me because I can't make up my mind, mostly because I care more about what she wants than what I want. That's the key here, know what you want and communicate it so she understands. If you can do that you'll find out very quickly what she wants, if you're still getting mixed signals after that she's the one not being clear.

If you are interested and want to make something out of it I'm sure you can find the right thing to say to make her talk to you again. If not you just let her go and see how that feels, if that's manageable then the problem is solved and you're on to the next.

She's looking for love, you're looking for sex. If you can't provide love she won't provide sex. Said differently, if you're not interested in more than just sex you're not getting it. However it seems you're more interested in sex than anything else.

 

[Serenity]

Thought I'd let you know, the definite conclusion to this adventure is: she hooked up with another guy actually, I found out today, holding hands and ****. It probably barely means anything to her, she's definitely going for quantity over quality in her life right now. She's not easy when it comes to sex, and I got quite far, but not quite there.

Hooked up with a plate tonight in plain sight, she was decently pissed off and tried to hide it (a friend told me). While exiting the bar with the plate, I rubbed her head to ruin her haircut a little (she was seated with her back towards me), and that's pretty much it.

It's not a total win, but I'm satisfied with things.

You posted this as I wrote my previous post, so don't take that one as a reply to this.

Assuming she's going quantity over quality may be a mistake. She may have realized she's not getting anywhere with you, but she may be serious about finding a guy. She may also be pissed because she realized she wasted her time on a player, and you just confirmed her suspicion. Anyways it doesn't matter to either you or her anymore because you screwed up. So yeah, you're right about definite conclusion.

Just offering an alternate perception.

 

[Reckoning]

You posted this as I wrote my previous post, so don't take that one as a reply to this.

Assuming she's going quantity over quality may be a mistake. She may have realized she's not getting anywhere with you, but she may be serious about finding a guy. She may also be pissed because she realized she wasted her time on a player, and you just confirmed her suspicion. Anyways it doesn't matter to either you or her anymore because you screwed up. So yeah, you're right about definite conclusion.

Just offering an alternate perception.

I understand what you're talking about. To tell you the truth, she's the one that failed to put up an effort to actually let me get to know her, so we can actually get close and I can invest myself in a relationship. Yeah I definitely overdid it with the entertaining her part, though when I commented on it, she said "it's harder for me to open up and we're having fun anyway", so I let it go quickly. I didn't burnout or anything as you say, but still, lesson learned there.

Well she may be looking for love, but I think it's secondary to her right now. She was in a looong relationship a while back, pretty sure she still has feelings. A friend of mine told me about his time with her a while ago, short version of the convo

-she's the low morals kinda girl
-what do you mean?
-we'd get into a fight, and she would make out with someone that very evening, tomorrow she'd cry and apologize and tell me all kinds of stuff, and then she'd do it again after a few days with a third guy, and then the fourth the evening after that...

We had our fun, but she's got the player mentality thing going on too.

 

[Serenity]

Oh, in light of that information I think you'd do yourself a favor by staying away and not wasting your energy on her. She acts like she's the one not knowing what she wants. Anyways, nothing is gained in trying to figure her out anymore.