Invited for birthday. Should I go/ how to get out

[Dutch Woods]

Dear all,

I've done a search about this topic and got some good info, but I still want to ask the members for some opinions.

It's about this girl I met a couple of weeks ago. I sort of picked her up in a galery, and we had a couple of drinks that same night. After that there were a couple of short phonecalls (two from me, one from her), trying to find a date for a first real get together. On this last phone call (her call) we arranged to meet next saturday afternoon. Here's what happened next during that conversation:

her: Do you have any plans for October 25th yet?
me: That's quite far away. I'm not sure, but I don't think so.
her: Well, it's my birthday then and I'd like to invite you to my birthday party
me: I don't think so! We haven't even been on one real date yet!
her: Well, we'll see eachother before the 25th, won't we?
me: hmmm, well..... I'm really not sure....I'll think about it, okay?

But really, going there won't be a very good move, will it? I mean, what have I got to gain? Probably all her freinds and family will be there. I'll have to be on my best behaviour, trying to be friendly and pleasant to mom/dad/brother/her best friends.

Maybe I missed something and is this an opportunity rather than a threat, but I don't see how yet.

I can see her point of view though, it's kind of like the ultimate test. If I pass this, she can ask me to marry her. Guys, I don't even remember exactly what she looks like! I do now I did like her, by the way, so my goal in this is a bit more than just friends.

So here's the questions:
1. What would you do?
2. If you decided not to go, how would you get out of it?

Thanx

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Mistake number one that you made was that you told her that you were probably free without knowing why she was asking. Next time just say "I don't know, what do you have planned?" You can then easily answer whether or not you like her idea whether or not you have something else planned.

Mistake number two was that you didn't tell her no even after you gave her a reason why you didn't want to go. Be a DJ and tell her NO means NO.

In your current situation, just call her and tell her that you have to take a raincheck. If she asks why, remind her that you discussed it already. If she pressures you just ask her why it is so important to her. More than likely it's because she wants to parade you around like an AFC. That's reason enough not to go.

 

[-dM]

It's a party man and since she invited you, someone she barely knows I doubt it's the family kind. Ask her if you can bring some mates and go have some fun. She's bound to have some hot friends right? If the party sucks leave and go somewhere else. No biggie. Or if something better comes up just don't show up at all.

You can't lose.

 

[Walden]

Originally posted by Dutch Woods

her: Well, it's my birthday then and I'd like to invite you to my birthday party
me: I don't think so! We haven't even been on one real date yet!

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

 

[Walden]

For those of you wondering what that sound is , it's me striking myself repeatedly in the head with a blunt object.

 

[00Kevin]

Originally posted by Dutch Woods


So here's the questions:
1. What would you do?
2. If you decided not to go, how would you get out of it?

Thanx

this situation could work out in your fav.

1. This girl could be dreaming about finding a bf for her b-day.
2. This girl might be looking for a special gift at the end of the night. Most girls i know like to get laid on their b-day.

I would show up for the sake of it and quickly make up your mind if you want to stay or not. If she isn't responsive to your moves then just leave. if she starts flirting with other guys at her party then NEXT the b|tch. The good thing about showing your face is that she can't hold anything against you. And you won't regret missing out on anything. just don't buy her anything.

 

[Dutch Woods]

Thanks for the input so far. I like dM's observation that it's probably not a family kind of party, since she invited someone she hardly knows. I also like 00Kevin's idea of the special gift at the end of the night, but I don't think I'll gamble on that. So I still think it's not a good idea to go.

BTW, I hope I'll never forget Fransisco"s "I don't know, what do you have planned?" That's such a useful comeback!

Summarizing: I won't go to this party and I resolve to handle this kind of thing a bit more resolutely next time.

There is one more thing, about Walden's reply: I wasn't too disappointed with my initial reaction of "I don't think so! We haven't even been on one real date yet!" I mean, before I discovered this site I probably would just have said 'Yes!', and be happy that she asked. So why the striking of the head, Walden?

 

[Walden]

The striking myself in the head was cos I think I'm funny and that's what I'd do if I'd monstrously fouled up , no offense meant.

The way you put it it sounded like that line clanged like a dustbin lid.

If I wanna dodge something I just say I'm busy with friends that night , makes me seem busier than if I tell the truth and say I'm studying for an accounting final.

How's it turning out anyway?

 

[Dutch Woods]

I see, Walden. And I'll see her this saturday afternoon. So after that I will post on how the birthday-conversation went.

 

[Dutch Woods]

I BLEW IT...

Pffff, how did I screw this up? I really don't know yet.

Here's what happened: the first date I had with this girl was for lunch on a sunday, followed by a stroll through the park in the autumn sun. All went pretty smoothly. Light topics, lots of laughs, she started the touching (hitting my arm after a funny remark). She also regularly hinted about all the things we could do in the future, which bars to visit and where to eat. To which I didn't really react, only with some jokes. The date ended when she had to go to work, with a kiss goodbye, not on the lips.

I called her a week later to invite her for dinner, as a treat for her birthday. We met in the afternoon. She didn't look well at all, because she was quite hung over from her party the night before. Felt sick as well. But she decided to come anyway, hoping she would feel better soon. We had a cup of tea somewhere, and tried to have a bit of fun. We did sometimes, but then suddenly she would feel sick again. Luckily she never threw up, but it was a constant threat. When after two hours she wasn't feeling any better we called it a day and agreed to go out for dinner the next sunday. Positive about that date that again she hinted about all other stuff we would go and do, and that she wanted me to meet her friends and stuff. I never told her much about me (mistery), never told her how I felt (challenge). Also my two telephone calls were short and to the point. So far so good, I would say, but here's when things go bad:

This morning I called her to tell her when I would pick her up for dinner. ''No'', she said, ''I don't want you to pick me up. I want to cancel our date this afternoon'' Why, are you sick again? I asked. ''No'', she said, ''But I just don't feel comfortable around you and I want to create some space''. I was flabbergasted! Asked her where that feeling came from. She couldn't tell, but she just felt a bit suffocated and uneasy. Also felt that I expected more from this relationship than her. She did suggest we could go out for some drinks soon, but I declined that offer, and hung up after that (made clear we wouldn't meet again).

So, it seems that I might have a serious attitude-problem. I go through 'misterious', 'challenging' and 'cool' motions, but I get the same results as when I would display pure AFC behaviour. What could this bad attitude I have consist of? I really can't tell. SHE was the one who initiated contact, SHE's the one talking about what we're going to do together, but I'm the one getting accused of coming on too strong.

Now losing this girl isn't a disaster. Yes, I liked her, but there weren't much more feelings than that. Finding out that I have this problem is far more serious. I mean, what if I REALLY like a girl next time and lose her because of this same attitude?

So, have any of you any idea what may have gone wrong here, and what I can do to prevent this in the future? Please don't say ''Just don't act needy'', but be more specific. Yes, I do want a girlfriend, but no, I didn't particularly need this girl, and to my knowledge I never did/said anything needy on these two dates, but still....

Thanks

 

[Austin Allegro]

Hmm, sounds a bit of a flake.

The fact she invited you to a party a long time in the future after having just met you, then talked about other things you might do together in the future, makes me think she was looking for a 'committment object'.

She then had second thoughts and decided you didn't fit the bill of her fantasy figure (or she met someone else who fitted the bill better).

This sort of thing happens to me quite a lot, especially with women I've met online, as they tend to have elaborate fantasies of their 'ideal man' which are impossible to live up to.

Just my theory.

 

[Dutch Woods]

Fransisco?

Well, luckily I'm pretty much over the disappointment now. But I still am curious about other opinions, from Fransisco d'Anconia for example. Any ideas, Fransisco? Just trying to learn something here...

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Re: Fransisco?

Originally posted by Dutch Woods
Well, luckily I'm pretty much over the disappointment now. But I still am curious about other opinions, from Fransisco d'Anconia for example. Any ideas, Fransisco? Just trying to learn something here...

On the surface it seems that she was a bit of a flake. After rereading your post I think I have an answer on what made her seem like a flake and also something for you to consider in the future.

First, she is about as flaky as the typical woman, or at flaky in a man's eyes at least. I'm pretty sure that she wanted someone on her arm for her birthday. However someone who would fawn over her, but note that she still had a high IL.

I think she had a high IL because she agreed to go out with you even though she was nursing a hangover. Note that this could have been because she wanted you to fawn over her some more since she was under the weather.

None the less, her attitude changed because I believe she felt that SHE was more into you that you into her. Consider this, on a couple of occasions she spoke about the two of you in future tense. This is a sign of high IL. You played it cool, a bit too cool. She read this as a diminished IL as compared to hers. Add to this that you were just as cool even when she was under the weather and so her flakiness comes in.

Understand that you did not do anything wrong but I will say that you stuck to the basics a bit TOO well. For example, when confronted with a bunch of "future tense" ideas from a woman consider just chuckling, taking her hand and saying "we'll see..." No commitment, no showing of your hand but yet there is an air of interest on your part.

What works for me is understanding what women look for and I have to thank Doc Love for pointing this out. Women ultimately look for romance, respect and affection. Offsetting that trio is appreciation. We usually easily notice appreciation in its wicked form as Attention Wh0res looking for nice guys to pay them homage. But in healthy women it could be as little as saying that you had thought about her during the day.

In your case, she didn't get that feeling from you. Yeah you asked her out but what makes her different from any other woman you could ask out? THAT is what keeps her IL high, her knowing that you make her feel special. Damn, I sound like that Mars/Venus dude

The one thing that I would suggest you put a concerted effort to work on is something that you noticed, you got upset with her on the phone. You had every right to be upset but a bit of AFC tendencies crept up in that you closed it off without leaving a means for her to eat crow and come back to you.

Work on a way to convey your feelings in no uncertain terms while staying composed. In your situation you could have asked her to tell you exactly when she felt you came on too strong because you have been nothing but a gentleman. Note that this will back her into a corner and she will probably become flustered.

At that point telling her that you think that she should take some time to consider what she really wants and to call you when she feels like talking. Say your goodbyes and then end the call. Note that you have let her know without getting overly angry that you did not agree with what she was saying but yet left a door open for her to come back if and when she realizes that she was being unreasonable.

You're still doing well, just a little detail work needs to be done.