Internet personals: How much info is too much?

[ZeeOwl]

I just wanted to do a little survey of people's opinions on this. I've had a personals ad up for a few months, with reasonable success. Two of the info fields in the multiple-choice part of the profile are marital status, and (how many) kids. Well, I'm divorced, with 3 kids. I know these 2 things are a major scare factor for many women. I was just wondering, which approach do you think is the best?

a) Straight-up honesty, and weed out the ones who are put off by this right from the start.

b) Play the mystery card, and let her ask for the info once a certain rapport is established.

 

[BobbDobbs]

Well, if you want an LTR you are going to have to tell her sooner or later. So it is always a worry if you leave it out.

If you are just trying to bang people, lie like hell.

 

[Bonhomme]

Divorced with kids is OK

In fact, if you have custody of the kids, it's probably the best category for an unmarried man of your age to be in.

In general, I find it's best to not say too much. Give out info sparingly, but don't duck the obvious stuff. Just don't spill your guts and spout all of your opinions. Be a bit of a tease, and definitely go for humor, without being overly goofy. Think smartass bad boy.

 

[John Juan]

I let girls know I'm divorced by filling out my profile. They don't get any details until they've earned it threefold tho. I would go with that strategy, start with basics but hold onto the details like they're jewels. That'll keep the IL up. Really though, you've gotta know that being dishonest about your kids isn't going to get you anywhere. Some girls don't like the fact I'm divorced, some don't like it that I'm 26, some don't like the way I roll my eyes, hell it doesn't matter because for every one that rejects me (inet included) there are ten more I'm going to call in the next couple of weeks so I'm fine. Just make sure to put your ad up on a good site so you get your profile seen by enough girls who are looking for the same kinda guy you are.
-jlc

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Be truthful. If you are looking to replace their mother say it. If not, say that too. Children aren't something you can easily overlook like a mole on your shoulder. Don't waste time dating women where it is an issue. Believe it or not, there is a part of the female population that are attracted to 'family men' who takes care of their business.

 

[dietzcoi]

Yes but be careful. I have found it is better to date a few times until you are certain they like you, then spring it. If you put it in your profile many will be turned off before you even have a chance. I am divorced with three kids too. Good luck

Dietzcoi

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
Yes but be careful. I have found it is better to date a few times until you are certain they like you, then spring it. If you put it in your profile many will be turned off before you even have a chance. I am divorced with three kids too. Good luck

Dietzcoi

Isn't that costly and a waste of time if they aren't that interest into becoming part of a family? Women usually let you know tactfully early on, why would it be difficult for a man to do it? Why hide a part of your life that makes you proud?

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by BobbDobbs
Well, if you want an LTR you are going to have to tell her sooner or later. So it is always a worry if you leave it out.

If you are just trying to bang people, lie like hell.

Well the purpose of my ad was not with a set outcome in mind. It was to meet women to date, and whatever comes of it is fine. I don't do ONS, so that bit doesn't apply. But I can see where lying would not be an issue in that context.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Re: Divorced with kids is OK

Originally posted by Bonhomme
In fact, if you have custody of the kids, it's probably the best category for an unmarried man of your age to be in.

In general, I find it's best to not say too much. Give out info sparingly, but don't duck the obvious stuff. Just don't spill your guts and spout all of your opinions. Be a bit of a tease, and definitely go for humor, without being overly goofy. Think smartass bad boy.

Yeah, that's what I was wondering... I've included those details in my profile so far, and have gotten moderately good results. I was just wondering if saying less would increase my response ratio. And if it did, would those be worthy responses, or just wasted time...

I don't have custody of the kids, btw.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by John Juan
I let girls know I'm divorced by filling out my profile. They don't get any details until they've earned it threefold tho. I would go with that strategy, start with basics but hold onto the details like they're jewels. That'll keep the IL up. Really though, you've gotta know that being dishonest about your kids isn't going to get you anywhere. Some girls don't like the fact I'm divorced, some don't like it that I'm 26, some don't like the way I roll my eyes, hell it doesn't matter because for every one that rejects me (inet included) there are ten more I'm going to call in the next couple of weeks so I'm fine. Just make sure to put your ad up on a good site so you get your profile seen by enough girls who are looking for the same kinda guy you are.
-jlc

I see where you're coming from. I wasn't suggesting lying about my marital status or my kids though. Just not talking about it in my ad, and let her ask if she really wants to know. I was wondering if straight-up or mystery was the most efficient approach...

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
Be truthful. If you are looking to replace their mother say it. If not, say that too. Children aren't something you can easily overlook like a mole on your shoulder. Don't waste time dating women where it is an issue. Believe it or not, there is a part of the female population that are attracted to 'family men' who takes care of their business.

Well I'm not looking to replace their mother. If I decided to do that, I might as well just shoot myself, it would be a quicker and less painful death. lol

But my kids are a very important part of my life, and they'll come first until they're adults. And I know that some women have a hard time dealing with that (a lot of men avoid single mothers for the same reason). I was just wondering if by mentioning it right from the start, I might be scaring off some potentially interesting candidates who might realize it's not as bad as it looks, especially after getting to know what a great guy I am. I know some women really appreciate a family man. I've dated a few. They're almost always single mothers. The ones that don't usually:
a) Don't like kids. Fine, in that case, I don't like them.
b) Have kids but see them as a burden, and don't like being a parent. See "a".
c) Want a never married no kids man to get married, have kids, and live happily ever after with. Female equivalent of wanting a virgin. In that case, I RUN!!!!!!!!! lol
d) Are not sure they're ready or capable of handling a situation like this. These are the ones I'm thinking about...

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
Yes but be careful. I have found it is better to date a few times until you are certain they like you, then spring it. If you put it in your profile many will be turned off before you even have a chance. I am divorced with three kids too. Good luck

Dietzcoi

That was the whole logic behind my question. I think you understand where I'm coming from...

What has been your experience with this? Have you dated anyone who was turned off by the news when she found out, but still stuck around because she liked you? What about the opposite? How many bolted once you sprung it on them? I'd like to have an idea of the proportions...

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
Isn't that costly and a waste of time if they aren't that interest into becoming part of a family? Women usually let you know tactfully early on, why would it be difficult for a man to do it? Why hide a part of your life that makes you proud?

True. It will obviously make you waste some time dating women who want nothing to do with a family man. Though I would suppose that if it's really important to her, the question will usually pop up during the first date, or even on the phone while setting up the date. However, including the information may get me Nexted by some potentially interesting and interested women...

The internet personals are a rather weird way of meeting people. It's not like flirting in a bar. The mindset is very different, especially for women. They will look at profiles with a "shopping" mentality, comparing the contents with their checklist. And will pick the profiles which most closely match their wish-list (physical appearance being the #1 criterion, no matter what they say to the contrary ). Now we all know here (and I figured this out on my own a while ago), that many women don't know what they want, only what they think they want, or even worse, what they think they should want (think Disney and Harlequin here). And the vast majority of them have no idea what they need. We all know about women pining about wanting a Nice Guy, and dating a Jerk. Strange that there are tons of single Nice Guys, but very few single (as in chickless) Jerks.

That's the angle I was looking at this from. Should I give them what they want (honesty), or what they need (mystery)?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by ZeeOwl
Well I'm not looking to replace their mother. If I decided to do that, I might as well just shoot myself, it would be a quicker and less painful death. lol

But my kids are a very important part of my life, and they'll come first until they're adults...

Consider posting a photo of you with your kids but say in your profile pretty much what you said here. That they are number one in your life for now and that you aren't looking to replace their mother, that you are looking to meet new people to share fun times.

Yeah, you will probably rebuff a section of women, but would you really want to spend time with women who aren't interested in the type of situation you are in? Quality can still weigh more than quantity.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
Consider posting a photo of you with your kids but say in your profile pretty much what you said here. That they are number one in your life for now and that you aren't looking to replace their mother, that you are looking to meet new people to share fun times.

I actually considered at one point posting a pic of one of my birthdays, because I look really good & happy on that one. It also has all of my kids in it. That's actually the reason I decided not to use it. I know that most women like kids, and would probably find that image attractive (good father; I once unwittingly nabbed a girlfriend with exactly that approach). But I'm an adult. I fully understand the ramifications of advertizing myself on a website. They don't, and I would feel I was "using" them in some form if I did that. Would just make me feel uncomfortable...

Yeah, you will probably rebuff a section of women, but would you really want to spend time with women who aren't interested in the type of situation you are in? Quality can still weigh more than quantity.

Very good point. That is exactly what I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of...

 

[ZeeOwl]

Yeah, now everyone will know I'm a nerd....

OK, since this is an unclear situation with a variety of opinions, I decided to do a little scientific study.

I will run my ad for one week using the mystery approach, ommiting to mention my maritul status and number of kids. I will then run the same ad using the honesty approach, with this information included. I will tabulate the results, and report back with them. I've got the numbers for week 1, week 2 is in progress.

 

[dietzcoi]

Yes I have had women tell me straight up they do not want to date a man with kids. Period. Yet my current 21 year old only asked me after the third date and by then she liked me enough to keep going out with me to this day. However she constantly mentions that she wants a child and realizes that I do not want any more.

Beleive me this is a big issue with women. Why would you feel the need to broadcast this information anyway?

You do not have to share everything on the first date!

Unless you want to marry them the relationship will only last a certain period of time anyway, so why pour out all your info at once?

Do not hide it but do not share it too early.

Dietzcoi