Hikapo said:
So, even after self improvement, I still have problems with my emotions. Very hard to keep it from feeling bad sometimes.
For example, when I ask girls out over the phone, I get this wicked emotional rush in my heart. If she is busy or something, my heart sinks.
I am okay with them saying no, however, that heart sinking feeling usually won't go away till the next day. Looks like I need more work in this area.
Does anyone have a problem like this?
Any ideas to deal with this problem better?
Well, first off, theres no such things as "
After" Self Improvement.
Self Improvement is a constant responsibility. It never ends. Its not supposed to. So its important to let go of any belief that you have somehow "finished' Self Improvement.
The feeling you are having, which is manifesting in your heart area, is a collection of worry, doubt, and a desire for approval.
You have attraction for her, and you want her sexual approval. If she doesnt comply, then your 'heart sinks'. This means youre struggling with maintaining your groundedness, and really..your self Love.
You are not a failure if she doesnt jump on the chance to be with you.
And what is happening is your emotions are being stirred up, but you dont have the mental maturity to understand what is happening, and therefore place these emotions in the right 'place' as it were.
These things happen because you
care.
You care about what she thinks about you.
And its ok.
But you cant rely on her to validate some self image you have.
Thats looking for validation. Its ok to be attracted to a woman, and want her to desire you.
But its ok if youre not really whats she's looking for too.
You are who you are. Flaws, mistakes, vulnerabilities, and failings.
Along with all the good, quality traits that make you a desirable Man.
The emotions that get evoked when youre in these situations wont really go away.
The thing that you should look for is the mental maturity to be able to correctly place these emotions where they belong.
Understand why you are feeling this way, and what is the catalyst, then maintain your grounding.
Men will always need the sexual approval of the woman they desire to partner with.
So yes, there will always be a sort of anxiety there, but our maturity level will be able to help us handle and cope with these situations when they happen.
Are you any less of a human being if some woman doesnt want you?
No.
What about a woman youre not attracted to approaching you?
Isnt it ok to not be attracted to her and not pursue anything romantic with her?
Sure.
Same thing.
Now if we get all deflated and down, it has to do with our Ego.
And our Ego is always looking to be inflated. And thats a dangerous path to walk on.
Validation from someone is not the same as genuine recognition for the Value you have/are as a human being.
Sometimes people get confused. And they may go hunting for this validaton very rabidly. To always be out looking for validation and sexual approval is a slippery slope. One thats hard to get out of when someone is a slave to their Ego.
Be secure that you have value. And be willing to admit that there is no ened to self improvement. Its like training every day. Special operations units spend a lot of time honing their skills. They dont train once on how to shoot a rifle and say "Thats it! Im done! This is all I have to know!"
Try to discern what are the differences, and you'll have a better perspective on what is really happening.
Sometimes we say "You have to be willing to Lose the girl, in order to Get the girl."
You have to have some sort of resoluteness, and solidity when things dont go your way.
This is one of those circumstances.
And life will throw you many, many more situations like this and your emotions will be evoked. And you will have to have the internal strength to deal with rejection, failure, and imperfections.
Part of what is really maturity is delayed gratification, The inability to handle that is a sign of immaturity.
Instant gratification is all about the ego.
Watch out if you feel a need for her to fall all over herself trying to be with you, and then when she doesnt...you fall apart and get depressed, and angry.
Its not about NOT caring.
Thats not self preservation. Its not. Its avoidance. Its not handling the deep emotions that are being stirred up.
Go ahead and feel the disappointment. And deal with it. There will be plenty more to come.
You will disappoint people in the future, and you will be disappointed.
Since so many men really believe that not feeling their emotions is masculine, what happens is that these men dont mature and develop the necessary discernment, perspective, and coping mechanism to deal with the failures.
Its NOT masculine to not feel your pain and disappointment.
Thats kind of sociopathic. Dont be that guy.
Feel what is being evoked. Come to terms with it, and dont run away from it.
It wont go away. Because life keeps throwing these things at you.
But what will change is your ability to cope.
You have the discernment and reasoning to say...not get jealous if you see a stranger hug another stranger, more than likely , right?
Youre not going to get freaked out if you see some stranger being affectionate with someone else.
So you DO have the perspective to cope with that.
THAT skill is what will improve and start putting things in their proper place as you mature.
That is mental maturity dealing with the emotions that may be evoked.
Anyway, I hope this helps.
Good luck.
I.
