In need of serious advice

[Riffmaster26]

Wonder if you guys, especially any psych majors out there can give me some advice on my ex-girlfriend, who I think there is something seriously wrong with her and I am actually scared. I will try to keep this as short as possible.

I dated her for 3 years but I only saw her on school vacation (I live in a different state and travel for a job). Normally there wasn’t a problem, but this last winter she just broke up with me when I left because as she put it, she couldn’t “handle it”. I don’t get it because prior she was telling me how it was a serious relationship, I was the guy she wanted to spend her life with.

My ex was really attractive and intelligent, but, her behavior was very strange. She could lash out over minor things. There have been times were I’ve innocently teased her and she threaten to hit me or would refuse to talk to me and I wouldn’t hear from her for a while. Even in public situations, telling her something like to move a little because she is blocking someone behind her would provoke her to shout. She is very much a child.

She was very much into herself. She would never admit weakness (Would tell me she is ‘always right’) and always spoke of herself in grandiose language. As a result, tended to have very unrealistic goals but to her they are achievable because she is “special” (insists she will be a ceo, she is 21 and has never had a job). If I ever contradicted her on anything about herself, she would get angry. Had to have the best of everything (Clothes, Food, etc. very superficial)

Past:
I don’t know what her relationship to her father is like. She never talked about him much unless it was to tell me he bought her something. From what I saw though in person and from family pictures she showed me, she is more attached to her mother though.

She has had numerous relationships, but each of them has never worked out, usaully because she causes the break up for some reason. She prefers men of status/money, everything is secondary, even if the man looks like the elephant man.

Other:

She likes to listen to a lot of really miserable music like Nine Inch Nails, Slipknot, Papa Roach, Marilyn Manson.

She has a fascination and interest in serial killers/murderers. Particularly the more gruesome and sick one’s like Jeffrey Dahmer.

She would tell me weird stories of the supernatural. Things like seeing dead relatives, door knobs rattling from the inside of her house, crashing noises and other phenomena.

She is addicted to partying and clubbing. When we went on spring break a few years ago she would sometimes go days without sleeping just to party. She has partied more then most and has been going to 21+ clubs since highschool. Her alcohol is intake is also extraordinary and she can drink vodka straight like nothing. Prefers hard liquor, the stronger the better.

Pretty sure she has cheated on me. Her sexual appetite high and she was open about it. Stories of what she was doing would coincidentally “change” every time I kept asking her to tell me it again. She very much thrived on male attention and has to be considered attractive; obsessed with her youth and looks.

I do know the college she attended prior, was the biggest party school in her state, something traumatic happened. She refused to tell and told me she has never told anyone in full. And this is strange because she was generally open to me.

I’m going to end it there because it’s already getting too long. I bring this up because though she has broken up with me she still talks to me and wants to get back together again.

 

[Thomas94305]

What are you asking for? You can't fix her, she has to grow up for herself. And, seems you two broke up, so your path is clear.. sarge away.

 

[Chemistry]

Ya she's fvcked up...

Sounds like she's got some kind of narcissitic personality disorder... let her be... don't try and be her psychiatrist... get yourself some new pvssy!

 

[Last Man Standing]

Hahahaha, She is a devil!!! You don't need a psych major to know this!!! Say "No" to Demon hos!!!

 

[CORVETTE06]

she sounds like a headcase.

dont piss her off and avoid her at all costs.

 

[TesuqueRed]

seriously wrong? not yet. she's fvcked up, sure, but it's nothing you're going to solve. it sounds like you're stripping away a lot of the denial or something and trying to see the relationship in the cold brutal daylight.

'understanding' her won't do much for you if you're looking for something to get over your feelings for her. speaking from experience, trying to 'understanding' her it just leads to more obsessive reviewing/replaying of everything.

by your list of her traits, it sounds like you'd be very happy and relieved to have someone like this out of your life. the real question, though, is why did YOU keep someone like this in your life for 3 years?

my guess is she was hot and could be exciting to be with when she wanted to be. something in there fed into your needs and wants, like needing to have a HB8.5+ or something.

unpack how it happened and your role in it and you'll understand much more than just figuring out her neuroses -- that is to say: you've left your participation out of the equation when you asked that question. you may not figure her out (and you don't need to, imo), but figuring out your portion may be all you're going to get and all you need

for what it's worth (pure speculation here) i'd guess she has the usual garden-variety setup:
-- family issues, probably substance abuse within the family
-- possible physical/emotional abuse of her
-- her own substance abuse
-- probably got liquored/drugged up at prior school, abused or participated in something that she can't bear to think about sober (even if she tells you everything you won't get the full story)
-- low self-esteem (you always hear that), patterned behavior, yada yada yada. let some counselor unpack all this for her

 

[Riffmaster26]

Hahaha so blunt my fellow Don Juan’s

As if what I described wasn’t bad enough, did I mention she’s Bi to boot?

Hehe Tesuquered, her being very hot and exciting was a big part of why I kept her around. Barring the odd behavior, she was the coolest girl I’ve ever really hung out with. She had a good sense of humor and was into a lot of guy stuff. The fact she was like one of my friends was part of the appeal I suppose.

At the same time, she was a chameleon. She knows how to charm and is very adept when it comes to men; she used to talk to me about all the DJ tricks (c&f, hot n’ cold-apparently the hot n’ cold routine is what gets her attention/interest) I know she plays a lot of guys who constantly vie for her attention as a result. Towards the end of our relationship it started getting progressively one-sided, i.e. she wanted me to cater to her whims. When I didn’t, she would get very angry and be very aloof. Of course when I asked her why she was so down, she’d say she’s not and she’s always happy.

I also think what happened at school was something sexual as well. Though I’ll never know for sure, I know it was enough to leave her depressed and leave dorm life altogether.

I am trying to move on completely but the ex still calls. When I asked her for the reason for the break up, she got defensive and started accusing me of a bunch of things I wasn’t aware of. I told her it was fine and I didn’t want to see/talk to her anymore since it seemed that’s how she also felt. This stopped her in her tracks and she asked me what me problem was :crazy: I don't know what to expect from her, which is why I am sort of worried; If I cut her off completely she may freak out and probably come to my house with a butcher knife or something----but at the same time, I recognize she is probably a train wreck in the making.

 

[TesuqueRed]

what to expect? expect that she'll do hot-n-cold on you to keep your attention on her, keep you guessing, keep you confused.

she'll be sweet and attempt to make up with you when you're pulling away

she'll get nasty and accusatory to get you to mollify (sp?) her and make things better

she'll attempt to seduce you when it appears you're getting close to someone else (or attempt to seduce someone else in front of you for payback)

she'll bust on you if you get back together and get close again

it's quick-draw mind-fvck time: either you're faster on the draw than she is or she's faster than you - regardless, whoever is the better aim lives.

i wouldn't worry about the over-dramatic stuff unless she has a history of violence, arrests and restraining orders (in that case, move and don't give out your new address). of course, the arrests and restraining orders have to start somewhere -0 - but i doubt that's the case here, she's probably over-dramatizing things for effect.

i'd get out of her circle of influence and enjoy new people and the fresh air somewhere else - that's my 2 cents

 

[Bonhomme]

This is textbook paranoid schizophrenia.

Don't be surprised if you hear about her someday on the 6 o'clock news. Really. Hallucinations, delusions of grandeur: this is Unabomber / David Koresh sort of shyte, albeit not so far along -- yet. And there's a gordian knot in that the very nature of the condition precludes such people from seeking help: in no way do they think they have issues. "Everyone else" has issues.


Nothing you can do psychologically can help her; you need to watch out for yourself. Her issues are biochemical at the root, and only getting her brain biochemistry in balance can sort it out. All the worse if some traumatic experience happened to her on top of it. If she's in her early 20s, don't be surprised if it gets worse. Often the onset of such a condition is early adulthood. I know a person for whom that was the case.

Do your best to avoid saying things that set her off, although people with such a condition can react to things for reasons you would never guess.

 

[Riffmaster26]

Bonhomme,

I appreciate your input and it has brought some clarity to me. She actually now that I think of it was somewhat paranoid. Besides the weird delusions and hallucinations (someone dead in her family, rattling door knobs, creaking and crashing that got louder each time, grabbing knives and screaming at these things to be left alone etc.) she would tell of times where she would lay and bed and have to run and turn on the light because of some strange feeling. She also complained that she felt she was being watched and followed everywhere. She was often home alone when these things happend and was alot growing up because both parents worked-she also was the only child at the time. All these strange occurrences started happening around the time when she became a teenager 13-15, and had been going on for a couple of years, though I didn’t know her during the time. From what I know, she hung with outcasts during the time (still doesn't really have many true friends and is generally quiet unless partying) and looked and seemed very withdrawn/depressed. Now adays she is more of a way over confident "gangsta" but I am pretty sure it's a front and how she suppresses her negativity. I'd know much more but I never really met her friends, though I don't think she has many--the one's she mostly associates are usaully girls who are ug's though for some reason.

It’s strange because when I met her, I thought she was just some quiet hot broad who was way into herself and always had to assure herself she wa a "pimp". Certainly never would’ve guessed any of this. I always had a strange feeling about her though I could never put my finger on it (Doesn't think she's crazy but everyone else is haha). I only started noticing all these because of her anger (She can hold a grudge for a lifetime over minor things, doesn't believe people are 'sorry', you mean what you say, etc. etc.) I am very much trying to get away from her at this point, because it’s impossible to even talk to someone who is unreasonable and considers herself “a boss”.

 

[woods]

I totally know this chick. Or i knew a few of them in high school. She'll either grow out of it (most do) or she will go downhill fast, and you do not want to be around if she does. My guess is something really bad happened to her as a child, and dont ever expect her to tell you the truth about it.
I think you know what "traumatic" thing happened. No matter how open someone is, they wont talk about that stuff, and dont expect her to. It probably made her head much worse too. Its sad, but theres nothing you can do.

 

[Bible_Belt]

yeah, it does sound like paranoid schizophrenia. They are the schizophrenics who appear most normal to people who don't know them well. As Bonhomme said, the delusions of grandeur are typical. Also, the 'I'm being followed' is a red flag. People with PS see themselves as the victim of constant persecution. Usually they chain-smoke cigarettes and like pot as well, but maybe she gets enough escape from the alcohol alone. The PS usually gets worse until sometime in their 30's, where they often have a breakdown. She might start hearing voices, or be convinced that someone is trying to poison her food. And as was said before, PS sufferers are very hostile to treatment. Usually they have to severely fvck up their life before they see that they have a problem. They can't be helped until they realize that they have schizophrenia. Until then, it's a waste of time to try to explain to her that she's delusional.