In LTR - concerns over girlfriend's guy friend

[mKata]

Hello everyone. I've been reading up on these forums looking for advice pertaining to my situation, and I thought I would just post. I'll try to keep it kinda to-the-point.

I've been with my girlfriend about 4 and a half years. We live together now and are planning on moving in with her parents to be able to start saving some money. I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting about one of her guy friends....

She met the dude at her old job after we had already been together about 2 years. They exchanged numbers and to this day seem to keep in contact over text regularly. One night a few years ago she and I go out to the bar for drinks, and while we're there she suggests "hey I'm gonna invite some co-workers out to join us" yet out of the few people she invited only this dude shows up. So it's me, her, and this other dude, and they're basically laughing and joking and chatting it up the whole time about school (she's still working on her degree, I'm working on my career path) and I totally feel like the third wheel without much to say.

Fast forward to another time I come home from work and she lets out, kind of slips out, that on her day off she went to get a beer... I ask and find out it was with said dude one-on-one. I remember she wasn't going to tell me. It doesn't sit well with me but instead of really addressing it directly I get visibly bothered which leads to a discussion about how I'm being jealous, she has the right to have her guy friends, am I really that insecure...? etc.

Since then they haven't hung out like that again to my knowledge. The thing is they still talk. Sometimes if she asks me to check a text on her phone I'll see that they've recently been texting. The other night she came home and got into a fight with me over something stupid, I already had plans to get a drink with my friend so I leave, I later see that in her angry state she texts him to ask how he's been while I'm out with my friend. The dude is regularly texting her about how they should hang out, how he'll be out this way on such-and-such date and that they should kick it. I've met and hung out with him. He obviously knows we're together.

I get that she can have guy friends and I can have girl friends, it's just that I've sort of naturally been out of contact with my female friends over the duration of our relationship. But she exchanges numbers with dudes she meets through work and contacts them. She's invited other guys from work to hang out with us when we've gone out in groups to get drinks or to dance. I'm not texting with any girls I've met at work. I'm not entertaining meeting up with another girl. The only girl I've spent any one-on-one time with (and I realize some may say this is a problem...?) since I've gotten with my girlfriend is my girlfriend. I feel like she wouldn't like to find me texting or getting drinks at a bar with another chick, so in that regard I wonder if I'm being disrespected. It feels like it.

So, what do y'all think? Is this a red flag or am I tripping and need to regain confidence? I appreciate any advice, thanks!

 

[Julian]

huge red flag

your getting cucked bro

this dude has banged your gf no doubt


you are beta. girls and guys cant be platonic friends unless one is ugly.

these hoes aint loyal bro.

welcome to the red pill.

 

[resilient]

So you've given her exclusivity these last 4.5 years and she rewards that by inviting orbiters from work out with you in groups to get dinner, drinks, and dance. She likes attention from this dude that you've met. He is texting her often who gives zero fvcks about your LTR.

A few things:
1) Don't move in with her and her parents
2) Withdraw attention (don't reward her for her AW behavior)
3) You can try to spin plates again. However, this just softens the blow coming to your LTR.
4) Plan an exit strategy

IMO, it's late for you in this relationship to demand changes because your frame has been weak, which is why she took advantage of you and has been entertaining options. Start planning an exit strategy because she's already well into preparing her back up plans. Sorry man. Like Julian said, women don't just keep around platonic friends without some intention. Getting a beer one-on-one w/o a group isn't respectful to your LTR. At the very least, she's exploring branch opportunities.

 

[sazc]

ugh, no bueno

after 4.5 years she should really have MORE respect for your feelings. she doesnt tho. this isnt going to end well.

 

[soulforge]

Dude you should have set straight your boundaries from the very beginning, before you gave her commitment..

This is not a good situation, especially if she is using the whole JEALOUSY card on you..

I would either set down some boundaries now.. but I fear it might be too late.. She will more than likely not react well to this..

You may have to be prepared to WALK away from this chit..

 

[Glassguy]

OP- I'm sure you have a decent looking woman that you know that you talk to occasionally. From work, school, etc. Doesn't matter.

Tell this woman friend that you're going out for a drink and would like the company and conversation.

Meet her.

Make sure that your gf finds out about it, but say it was "nothing.

I would indirectly play her own game against her , all the while trying to find plates to spin when this LTR your in falls apart, because it will.

 

[Jifto]

Damn dude. I hate to echo all of this, but yea...she's a branch swinger and has likely already made out with this dude at the least. There's something keeping him in orbit.

Think about it this way: Even if they haven't hooked up / will not hook up, do you really want to be with someone that is putting you through this kind of stuff? She's disrespectful my man.

 

[btownbuck2012]

OP - I would end it. As brutally difficult as that is, her behavior clearly indicates that she doesn't respect you.

The guys suggesting that you start spinning plates on the side aren't necessarily wrong, but trying to one up her here or beat her at her own game won't matter long term and won't get this thing back on track.

Just break it off and try to put it in perspective long term. This will be a good decision on your part long term.

 

[Desdinova]

leads to a discussion about how I'm being jealous, she has the right to have her guy friends, am I really that insecure...? etc.

Do you know what I did with the last GF who insisted she has the right to keep her guy friend? I DUMPED HER.

Let me tell you what's going on here. The problem isn't a "jealousy" issue with you. The problem is a respect issue, and the issue is she has NO respect for the fact that you're in a relationship with her.

I get that she can have guy friends and I can have girl friends, it's just that I've sort of naturally been out of contact with my female friends over the duration of our relationship.

And that's the thing... Men get it. We naturally understand that it's disrespectful to keep in contact with other women when we're in a relationship. We know we shouldn't do it. Women have become entitled to get everything they want regardless of how the man in the relationship feels. If she were to kick you in the ba11s three times a week, would you just stand around and understand that she can kick your in the ba11s if she pleases regardless of how painful it is?

Men have a natural desire to protect the things that belong to them; Their property, their children, and their women. If another man comes sniffing around her crotch, we feel the need to stop him from violating our territory by any means necessary. It's in our blood to protect what is ours. That's why we go to war. We want to protect our country.

She met the dude at her old job after we had already been together about 2 years.

She started this 5hit 2 1/2 years ago. That is how long she's been disrespecting you. Now that she's got this orbiter firmly fixed in her life, she's not going to let go of him, and she's not going to do it now that you've allowed it to go on for two years. You can either let this broad fvck you around and piss you off by letting other men sniff around her crotch, or you can get rid of her and start fresh with another woman who doesn't have any orbiters. That choice is yours.

 

[bigneil]

Oh, God. Am I the only one who realizes that your girl has ONE HUNDRED options and focusing on any one is ridiculous? Imagine asking her about one guy and she secretly knows she is sleeping with two of his friends and you are wrong?

Translation:

OP is satisfied with just this girl and doesn't want to hit the gym, so instead he works out his fingers here and asks us whether he should stay comfy masturbating while she is out.

Instead, OP should try to set her up with more guy friends (as he goes out with hotter women).

Guys, you are only as good as your backup girl. If you don't have another girl, that is your problem.

 

[lizardking82]

You've lost frame OP. A good relationship is when the woman is slightly insecure. This broad is so secure about you she's exploring other options.

Be ready and willing to walk away at any given moment now and she might be ****ing this other dude. In the mean time, make her feel insecure enough for to understand you're not the guy who's there no matter what. She ain't gonna leave unless she is sure her leaving will devastate you completely. Do not give this ***** the pleasure. Become strong, breathe into your balls, man!

 

[Jifto]

Another few thoughts that popped into my head:

• She purposefully concealed her meeting
  • Why would you conceal something innocent? I've had gfs with guy friends before, they are open and honest about it. The deceit here is the problem....Oh and if she concealed it because "I knew you would get jealous!" see below.
• She got upset that you were *jealous*
  • There is perhaps nothing more infuriating than this type of excuse. It's facially BS. The only reason she would know you would get jealous is because she was doing something shady and she knew it OR she didn't respect you enough to let you make that big boy decision yourself. This is the same rationale women use when they say something nasty and then say "you're sensitive" when you get upset or if you don't react "you're a pushover."

PASS!

 

[btownbuck2012]

She got upset that you were *jealous*

the most glaring red flag of cheating or cheating that is about to occur, IMO

 

[zekko]

Do you know what I did with the last GF who insisted she has the right to keep her guy friend? I DUMPED HER.

Same thing I would do. This "guy friend" phenomenon fascinates me though.
I sort of accidentally watched this TV sitcom today called "I'm Sorry". The main character is a female who is married and has a kid. She also has a good male friend that she spends a lot of time with (one on one). There is one scene where she goes to forcibly hug him and ends up sticking her boobs into his face. The husband knows about this friend and doesn't care at all.

I know a lot of people would agree with the husband on here, that of course she can have guy friends, he trusts her, isn't jealous or insecure, blah blah.
I wondered though why they didn't show the husband hanging around with a female friend that he spends a lot of time with. I'm thinking some of the probably predominately female audience might have a problem with that, especially if she was hot.

Anyway, I agree with Desdinova. If your wife or exclusive girlfriend is hanging out with some guy one on one, that is disrespecting you and the relationship. I wouldn't put up with it, she can call me whatever feminist buzzwords she likes. I also agree with btownbuck2012, escalating the game doesn't solve the problem. In fact, it's probably gone too far to fix now. The OP needs to do whatever he can to salvage his self respect.

So many people make this the issue: "But I trust her". To me, she has already violated the trust. I don't care if they've had intercourse or not, her simply hanging out with some dude is inherently disrespectful, in and of itself.

 

[Jifto]

the most glaring red flag of cheating or cheating that is about to occur, IMO

I agree. I've had gfs do something similar and before I show any reaction at all they say "Oh my god! I know how sh!tty that must look. Listen Jifto, that guy is just someone at work. He doesn't mean anything to me. If it makes you uncomfortable, I won't talk to him."

When this happens, I say "No, it doesn't make me uncomfortable at all." And it doesn't. Why? The reaction says everything man.

 

[btownbuck2012]

I agree. I've had gfs do something similar and before I show any reaction at all they say "Oh my god! I know how sh!tty that must look. Listen Jifto, that guy is just someone at work. He doesn't mean anything to me. If it makes you uncomfortable, I won't talk to him."

When this happens, I say "No, it doesn't make me uncomfortable at all." And it doesn't. Why? The reaction says everything man.

I don't know man, sometimes them bringing it up before you do is almost as indicating of guilt as them getting angry when you're mad...

 

[Jifto]

I don't know man, sometimes them bringing it up before you do is almost as indicating of guilt as them getting angry when you're mad...

That's true too. I guess its a case by case basis. Reminds me of Supreme Court Justice Potter Steward on obscenity "I know it when I see it"
The fact that OP has to post here tells me that his gut knows what this is!

 

[Desdinova]

I don't buy the idea that the male friend is always desired by the woman. If there's someone to listen to her yap about insignificant 5hit, buy her things, and shower her with positive attention, she's going to take them up on it regardless of their gender and/or ability to make her panties wet.

This "guy friend" phenomenon fascinates me though.

If every guy began dumping women who insisted on keeping guy friends, perhaps this phenomenon would stop. Men absolutely hate it when they end up with nothing but female "friends" and nobody to call their lover. Let these b1tches experience the same thing. Let them be lonely and let them go through their 30s without procreating. The men should also be up front about it and let these b1tches know that letting other men sniff around their crotch is unattractive and disrespectful. Put the punishment on the same level as cheating. Everyone knows that cheating is wrong, so why doesn't everyone know that a woman having male friends is wrong? BECAUSE TOO MANY FVCKING MEN ALLOW IT FOR FEAR OF LOSING WHAT LITTLE PVSSY THEY'RE GETTING.

Fvcking your hand every day is better than fvcking your GF every few weeks while you tolerate her bull5hit.

 

[Trump]

OP, how do you meet, ask out, enter into a relationship with, and constantly have sex with a good looking girl for FOUR years when you don't even know if you are being disrespected or not?

It happens all the time; guy is smooth and confident at the beginning because the relationship is on his terms. After the sex, he starts to fall in love and the relationship gradually starts to shift from HIS terms to HER terms. This gives her POWER. And since the guy is so happy to be in a relationship and has no backup girl while she has tons of backup guys, he starts obeying her more and more not to upset her. After all, he is getting sex from a good looking young girl. I mean, every guy in North America would kill to be in his position.

Then one day, she decides to break things off. Guy is absolutely devasted and heartbroken, has lost all his friends and ex girl friends because his whole focus was being in a relationship with a her and now he has nothing. She goes off and has sex with a 6'1 basketball player, not caring he is dead or alive.

Come on men!

 

[SuckItUp]

As mentioned the issue is respect. Your girlfriend does not fear losing you therefore she does what she wants because she knows that you'll be there.

This typically happens when a girl gets too comfortable and loses interest. It typically suggests that you are too available and you've become too complacent, but it also usually means your girl isn't a viable long term partner but you tried in spite of knowing it deep down in your gut.