I'm a virgin

[John_Galt]

I'm new here. ahhh Where to start? Well, I'm 23. I haven't had a girlfriend and I haven't even kissed a girl. I have dated a couple girls my whole life. I graduated from school in May as an engineer.

Girls really aren't my main concern, even though getting some would be nice. I have a real problem socializing. I just don't know how. Sure I'm perfectly fine with my friends, but when it comes to strangers it's hard and awkward. When I have small talk with someone, male or female, there is always this tension in the air, which I can see in the other person that makes them want to bail. At work related stuff, it's not a problem. If I have a "purpose" to the conversation, it's easy. I know what to say, and the other person, knows they're supposed to be in the converation and contribute. But beyond the purpose of work related matter, I go blank. It's not like a fear or anything that causes me to go blank, it's just like I have nothing to say.

I need to improve on my social skills. I want to start my own business. I can do everything required for the business very well, except for the part where I need to get customers and dealing with customers. I'm totally lost.

Is there anyone out there that seemed to suffer from the same symptons? And what can I do to get past them?

 

[Mojo604]

I know exactly how you feel about it, I get the same "blankness", but Ive improved slowly. The most advice I would give is to be calm, relaxed, dont feel as if you have to 'prove' anything; talk about things that the other person can relate to; start small with simple topics; ask small questions & reveal little things about yourself (thoughts on/experience on/etc).
I remember reading on these forums some great tips for creating bonds with people, and it involved a process of 'give and take' so to speak. One person reveals something, and the other responds eventually with something about themsleves also. its probably clearer in the threads that im remmebering from... I would recommend that you do a search. good luck.

 

[Phyzzle]

You don't need anything to say to be a good conversationalist. Be interested in the other person, and get them talking about their favorite subject (themselves). Try reading Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.

 

[synergy1]

its always the engineers. Something about the mindset. Socializing is not second nature to a lot of people in the technical field. hell they can barely socialize amongst themselves. I would know since I am in the field, and have to on a day to day basis.

let me tell you that you can change. You can break the paradigm awkward socialization. It takes time practice, and a ton of failure. The more you practice, the more you will see where you can improve. If you read the right posts, and absorb the right advice from this forum, you will learn. A good deal of advice here is also just as poor, such as the cookie cutter parrots who spew back the same crap they think they read.

I'll outline a bit of what I did. First don't try and start at the top talking to the hottest girls, you will get shot down since they smell virgin a mile away. they also smell desperation a mile away too. You need to work on the social skills to make new friends wherever you go. Do this at gatherings or parties. I know college is over, but try and get back and try this stuff with a group of kids you know who are going out. Try to hold a good conversation that doesnt involve you talking about engineering, nerdyness, or asking them yes or no questions. You will find the art of holding a good conversation to actually be quite difficult me thinks. Read up on it

After you feel good about being okay conversationalist with anyone ( guys included), than move on to average looking girls. Only this time start throwing in flairs of humor, ****iness, and exude an air of being a fun person. This is the essence of attraction which takes a great deal of practice to perfect. you want to become the kind of person people like, not the kind of person people think is smart. In the mind of the socially inept, these might be one of the same, but this is not the case. For some ( like you and I), flirting is not second nature without exhaustive practice. It takes alot of practice. Did i mention it takes practice? See what I am getting at here? Bring along friends who are good at it. if you are an observant learner, and can emulate them, you will notice differences.

For some , this comes natural, ergo no real reason to come to these boards. for others, it takes years and years of practice, learning, fine tuning, re learning, failure, and finally success. From someone who was like you, get going out now!!

 

[xomel]

cool... next month it will be a year since ive gotten laid you might as well call me a virgin too.

 

[John_Galt]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

MOJO I'll make sure after I post this that I look right into those topics.

Synergy: I'm not really sure what the problem is. I think it could be a body language thing. I had a friend at college that was an amazing conversationist. He wasn't good looking or anything and was overweight, but he could go up and say "hey" to someone and boom he'll have a conversation. People will actually contribute easily. And if I did that, I'd be "hey", they'd be "hey" and that's about all I could get out of them. He could always get others to immediately want to contribute, where as people don't get that with me.

 

[lookyoung]

John gait if you stopped thinking about me you would not be a 23 year old virgin who has never kiss closed a girl. Forget about me, masturbating, and global warming and you may get yourself a piece.

Quit flaming me and quit giving advice on woman. The average 12 year old male in this country is more experienced with woman than you.

 

[Last Man Standing]

...I want to start my own business. I can do everything required for the business very well, except for the part where I need to get customers and dealing with customers. I'm totally lost.

Most here, not me, has suffered from your condition! I will not respond to your "virgin" issue since I know others will be more than willing to help you in this regard!

You need to find another who has the personality to strenghten your strengths and and make non-existent your weaknesses - thus find one who complements your nature - one who possesses what you do not possess and create a synergystic effect - where the two combined is much greater than the parts operating indepently - such is the case with the male/female union!!

 

[danielzxc]

I'm a math undergrad. I see people who I imagine you would look like every day -- older, grad student type, with a real interest in math and related fields, who aren't just doing it because their parents are making them. Oftentimes, they just scream "social ineptitude" -- and this is even before they've opened their mouths. I think I'm a pretty perceptive guy, but I can't really put my finger on just what it is about these guys that tips me off. In well over 80% of cases I feel that my initial feelings about these guys were justified once they begin talking. (I mean, I thought I I was bad, but thinking about it more, my problem is mostly with attractive girls, and even then it's only when approaching them "with intent"...just asking opinions or indirect stuff like that is pretty easy.)

Fascinating topic, but one I can't be bothered getting into at the moment. However, a couple of points.

There's a world out there beyond your technical field and beyond typical math/comp sci/engineer hobbies (like world of warcraft, chess, hard left social issues etc). To really be able to connect with people that inhabit that world beyond what the typical tech geek is familiar with, he needs to know something about that world...and know it in an opinion-neutral way (rather than to just "know" that people who go to nightclubs are meatheads or losers or whatever..). Doesn't mean you have to LIKE that world, but you do need to be familiar with it. Now, I might not be talking to YOU with this, but I'm pretty sure I'm talking to a lot of tech kind people.

Secondly, you might look at your wardrobe. This point often really irks tech types, but they can moan all day about the rank unfairness of being judged on clothing and people will still happily judge away. I'll admit at once that there are some very socially adept tech types who can get away with wearing anything and still make positive impressions and engage people in fun and stimulating discussions. But you're not at that level yet. So to make things easier for yourself, why not try dressing more stylishly...even if your gut reaction to fashion is repulsion. (Again, I might not be talking to YOU, but I see these guys every day, and they are walking fashion disasters... Even males would subconsciously judge that stuff...let alone females, most of whom (especially the attractive ones) mercilessly scrutinize it.)

 

[spesmilitis]

Well, a conversation isn't a one sided deal, it takes two people. For sure, work on your side of the conversation (finding out more about them, talk about things you guys can relate, and talk about random bs/ silly conversations).

But, you can get them to contribute a lot more by the way you carry yourself. Be happy. Smile. Show that you are interesting in socializing. When interacting with people, they will often take on the emotions you feel. If you are being shy or nervious, so will they when they are around you. If you are being happy, fun, not caring that you have to 'prove' or impress the other person, that other person will follow.

Pay attention to your facial expressions and the way you carry yourself. Show that the person you are conversing with brings you happiness and interest.

The only way you can do this is to truely feel have and not nervious around people. It will be hard not to put pressure on yourself since interacting with people is a big goal for you, so don't worry about it for now, its normal.

As long as you have the passion (and from your post I know you do) and are willing to experiment and gain experiance, it will come.

Now an example of how showing happiness will get people to open up do you:
I was at my dinning commons, getting some food from the salad bar, when I remember this hillarous joke. I didn't want of laugh out loud and look like a phyco, so I kept it inside. However, that joke was do funny, and I had a huge closed mouth gin in my face and a overall look of exteme happiness in my face. I'm at the salad bar, and I look up, and its one of the salad bar attendents, looking at me with the same facial expression. She said 'hey', and the rest is history.

Think about how I looked to her from her perspective. I looked like a fun and happy guy. I seemed easy to approach. Think about it, would you approach a girl with frown on her face, or a girl with a look of extreme happiness in her face. Those of you who had approaching experiance would definatly go with the happy one. Girls who I approach who in a state of extreme happiness, even if I didn't get a number, they were still open to interacting with me. Those girls were still in a fun mood and were up to interacting with me because of the way I carried myself. I showed I was in the mood to have some fun too. Also, I carried myself very confidently and didn't not show any dependence on getting her number. I showed interest, but not dependence.

A think about dependence, never show it except for deeper friendships. Dependence is hard to explain, but it was something like this. If I got shot down for a number close, my interaction with the girl would have a major wrench in the works. That was because I would be somewhat depedent on scoring the number for my happiness.

It wasn't untill I was very sucessful with friends, sports, and academics, that I had so much happiness I didn't care about girls. My approch totally changed after this. When interacting with strangers, I never had a specific goal in mind any more. I just didn't care about making new friendships or hooks, I just wanted to have some fun. With the attitude, it seemed that there was less pressure in my interactions. Before, it felt like if I didn't accomplish some kind of relationship, there was no point in going on. It felt like I made the person decide if they want to establish some kind of relationship with me. Now, it seems that nothing is required to interact with me, and that puts people at ease. They can be themselves more.

Holy smokes, I didn't know how long this post was untill I was done with it. One thing just led to the next. Sorry for the bad english, i'll know it'll be hard to understand at times.

I got off topic and starting talking about approaches to girls, but you can apply the same principles to all interactions.

 

[MacDiddy]

I graduated from school in May as an engineer.

So you're a geek. You have a bit of work ahead of you. Your job won't make it easy.

Girls really aren't my main concern

Well it should be... you won't get any action by being blase about it.

I would suggest you read some romance novels to get better rounded, and start the newbie mission.

 

[danielzxc]

John gait if you stopped thinking about me you would not be a 23 year old virgin who has never kiss closed a girl. Forget about me, masturbating, and global warming and you may get yourself a piece.

Quit flaming me and quit giving advice on woman. The average 12 year old male in this country is more experienced with woman than you.

Lol, I just noticed this is a bump from a year ago. John Galt getting on your case is he? Good way to hit back!

 

[Blusher]

Another loser-engineer... 23 and a virgin...

When it comes to strangers it's hard and awkward.

Well, at least it gets hard, so technically you can do it.

 

[spider_007]

you guys need to grow up.:rockon:

 

[azanon]

You need to find another who has the personality to strenghten your strengths and and make non-existent your weaknesses - thus find one who complements your nature - one who possesses what you do not possess and create a synergystic effect - where the two combined is much greater than the parts operating indepently - such is the case with the male/female union!!

He's definitely right about this as this perfectly describes my wife's relationship and I.

This is why i tend to lean more on the side of opposites attract more than alikes. Well, opposites in terms of skills, but alike in terms of values.

So i guess the same should be said for a business relationship.

 

[Mental]

I'm new here. ahhh Where to start? Well, I'm 23. I haven't had a girlfriend and I haven't even kissed a girl. I have dated a couple girls my whole life. I graduated from school in May as an engineer.

Girls really aren't my main concern, even though getting some would be nice. I have a real problem socializing. I just don't know how. Sure I'm perfectly fine with my friends, but when it comes to strangers it's hard and awkward. When I have small talk with someone, male or female, there is always this tension in the air, which I can see in the other person that makes them want to bail. At work related stuff, it's not a problem. If I have a "purpose" to the conversation, it's easy. I know what to say, and the other person, knows they're supposed to be in the converation and contribute. But beyond the purpose of work related matter, I go blank. It's not like a fear or anything that causes me to go blank, it's just like I have nothing to say.

I need to improve on my social skills. I want to start my own business. I can do everything required for the business very well, except for the part where I need to get customers and dealing with customers. I'm totally lost.

Is there anyone out there that seemed to suffer from the same symptons? And what can I do to get past them?

1) Don't worry about the whole virgin thing. I had a 60 year old try to make fun of me or embarrass me in front of a beautiful waitress. He tells her I'm a virgin. I looked at her proudly, and said "yep."

He was shocked that he didn't phase me one bit. You mean you don't care?! Nope. I've got more important things in my life right now. ::Shocked:: :To the other guys: "He doesn't care." (Can't phase this guy!) I think it impressed him that I wasn't phased by the issue like the other guys.

So don't get phased by it. If you're ok with it (not that you broadcast it on a first date or anything), then you're one step closer to where you need to be.

If you freak out about getting laid, you run the risk of getting desperate, and you might run into a chick who is chock full of STD's. Then YOU just might get all those problems. Or you get a chick who a psycho, or you end up paying for some kid for the next 18 years.

Tread carefully.

2) In business, don't expect overnight success. I own my own business, and can barely pay my own bills. I've got very little saved up, as most of it ends up back in the business. And after this week, I have no clue where my next paycheck is coming from.

It took several of my friends, who own their own businesses, 8 years to get to a point where they could BREAK EVEN. Then, finally, on their 9th year they started making a lot more, and now they seem to be earning a good income.

You will hve to do a LOT of work, so be prepared for 15 hour days. You had better be sure that it's something you're passionate about. I work long days. The good thing about my career is that my schedule ends up being really really open, as long as I work later. I can go to a movie at 3:00 in the afternoon, if I have the money. But for me, weekends are hell. That's when I get stuff in. That's when I work. But even then, I usually don't mind it, because while I have to give up stuff I want to do, I still get to do OTHER stuff I want to do. I can't hang out because I've got work. But I get to entertain kids and be silly for an hour. No big loss. Your situation might be a little different, but...

3) Because you're working for yourself, be prepared to have to make choices about what you do socially. Sometimes, it IS a drag, even when you love what you do. I've had to give up three conferences so far because of work - conferences that I would have loved to have gone to. But it's a matter of paying $100, or earning $500. I'm going to have to go for EARNING money.

4) Working for yourself WON'T be boring (at least, I hope.). I work on PHP, I'm burning some DVD's, I'm writing thank you's, sending out packets to clients, working on my website, I'm juggling tonight (fun), and I'm teaching a class. If I get time, I'm working on a script, and practicing for a gig Saturday.

5) Realize that, sometimes, a woman is going to have to wait. Sure, make a conscious effort to improve, and stay with the website to find out more about women, and learn more about the art of conversation, especially with women. But right now, if you work for yourself, your career is your woman. I've seen more of this computer in the last 4 years than I would spend in a lifetime with a wife. (ok, not really... it just feels that way)

6) If you do socialize, get women to help out on the conversation skills. I bet you have a few male friends who have girlfriends, or female platonic friends. Get them to hang out. That might help a lot.

These are the basics, mind you. Good luck.

 

[John_Galt]

lol lookyoung, I guess my accurate quoting of you has made you quite upset. Pity. It's funny though that it's been like 6 months since my first post, and you assume I'm in the same position. It's funny though. Alright cool dude, keep the lipstick a good color.

 

[lookyoung]

Dude your such a loser geek. Quoting something I never said in everyone of your posts. Did you kiss a girl or lose your virginty? Why don't you tell us how this happened on this thread? Come on geek tell us your experience?


Ps. Your probably still a virgin. You geek.

 

[John_Galt]

lookyoung, I've said it before, when you first started rehashing my past, I don't validate myself through your approval lol. Seriously, I hope you continue rehashing it, keep calling me a virgin, loser, geek, or whatever. I think it's cute.

 

[howardalex]

I'm 23. I haven't had a girlfriend and I haven't even kissed a girl. I have dated a couple girls my whole life. I graduated from school in May as an engineer.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha