If your gut tells you there is another guy in the background

[DonJuanabe]

Curious how you guys, especially you Master DJs, would handle the following situation: Things have been going well for a couple weeks with a girl you've started dating. But she starts acting different, say less affectionate, more erratic, and you have a feeling something is going on but you're not sure. Usually this kind of behavior means there is someone else in the background. 9 times out of 10, right?

1) Would you bring up this possibility or just ignore it?
2) Let's say that through conversation you steer her along and she mentions she met a guy at whatever (class, work, activity, etc.) but he's just a friend and that's it.

Problem is, her behavior isn't what you'd expect. You don't want to appear needy or weak, but at the same time you don't want to get strung along.

I was in this situation not too long ago and I got that feeling in my gut, so I approached it by saying "We just started dating so we're not boyfriend/girlfriend yet; if you want to see other people go ahead, I don't control you." She responded by saying she wants to date me, there isn't anyone else, though she did meet a guy who is just a friend they are not anything more than that (my BS indicator went into the red). I thought my attitude of indifference would make her chase me and punt the "friend" but in the end she pulled back, we stopped seeing each other, and the "friend" has been her boyfriend for three months.

I guess, in other words, when your gut is telling you something, do you just go along like you're not bothered or should you be assertive?

 

[rh79]

Read her texts message/facebook. If you find nothing apparent, then just drop it

 

[Zarky]

How are you doing with the other women you're surely dating?

 

[SamTheHobit]

How are you doing with the other women you're surely dating?

Listen to this advice.

 

[bigneil]

First of all, there are no "Master DJ's" here. I think people are taking the rating thing too seriously.

That said, it was once believed our soul lived in our gut. Our gut is an extension of our mind - it is the connection between our mind and the real world (where we get our nutrition to balance the mind). There is nothing more powerful than gut instinct.

But after only 2 weeks my gut is telling me that you have fallen too quickly. You need to be able to go 3 months of having sex before you start to fall. Even then you never want to talk about feelings, just answer questions. Never bring up the other guy. Remember: you have 3 other women so you are HOPING there is another guy - you WANT her to mess it up.

And don't ever read her messages guys. If you do, you know you should leave her, so deserve whatever you find.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Yeah I would never invade someone's personal stuff like that. I agree bigneil I often fall too fast -- am too ready to commit to a particular girl -- too soon.

 

[drellum]

Curious how you guys, especially you Master DJs, would handle the following situation: Things have been going well for a couple weeks with a girl you've started dating. But she starts acting different, say less affectionate, more erratic, and you have a feeling something is going on but you're not sure. Usually this kind of behavior means there is someone else in the background. 9 times out of 10, right?

Going through something similar myself at the mo.
Yeah, after years of ignoring it, I now trust in my gut instinct. Right 95% of the time.

Have you thought about just asking her outright "is there somebody else"?

I did that with my ex when we were breaking up. she denied it 3 times and then I left it and moved on. I'm now 95% sure that there was somebody else!

 

[DonJuanabe]

The reason it is often futile to ask is that asking will rarely get you the truth. I actually did that and got the "No, I know this guy but he's just a friend I'm not attracted to him" BS. If a girl mentions a guy, for any reason, she is either sh*t testing you to see if you can be cool and confident or she feels angst because there is in fact a branch waiting for her and this is her way of letting some of the steam out while she is wondering what to do. But you will never truly be able to know which of these it is.

 

[Packers2010]

If your gut tells you there is another guy in the background

then RUN MOFO! RUN!

but in the real world. you need to have like 5 girls in your back pocket. girls don't hang around for long these days. so the more plates you spin. the more chances you have.

 

[6nemesis9]

Your gut IS NOT always right. I've experienced this situation more and more times. Your gut is more like the interpretation based on your own world map, that takes certain behaviors and sensorial data, puts them together and elaborates an outcome based on how you perceive the world. That said, if you have not access to ALL of the data, you will not receive from your brain the RESULT that equals REALITY. Equally if your perception of the world is different from another, you may interpret certain data differently (the alpha: she is talking about another guy, I guess she wants to get on my attention / I guess he is kinda ugly / I guess he is attempting to kiss her feet so I can relax while I f*ck the sh1t out of her and she's happy of his free attention; the beta: OMG, she likes another guy! I'm so scr3wed

That said, you might look on her facebook and sh1t, and then discover that she has another guy that is not the guy you were thinking. Or you could discover that she spends 80% of her time telling her girlfriends how much she loves you. And anyway what you thought with your gut would be thrown away.

Your gut is more like a detector of incogruences in behavior in this case.

Anyway, you know what to do. Betas start freaking out, start getting insecure and self-destructing. The above story happens EVERYTIME that a woman who has not hit the wall yet has the wonderful luck to receive free time from us, wonderful guys.
Ideally you should simply walk away and go on with your life because, alas, our gut often works to destroy us. Once kept on grinding it will work like a hamster to instill insecurities on ourselves, competitive anxiety towards other guys, and all of this because we are caring and spending time for one woman that is nothing more than one on a million.

So the options are 2:
1. You work to solve your gut problems by identifying more informations that DO SOLVE the incongruences (stalking on facebook, phone etc.). But that's only going to solve it temporary, until some new problem comes out.

Or

2. You don't give a sh*t and go on, if you want you date other girls, if you want you simply lay down on the couch and drink beer, if you want you go play soccer with your friends or work on making 1million dollars in a week. You don't even get a sh*t about pointing out her idiotic behavior or telling her you are unhappy and want to not see her anymore. You just see her as what she is, a woman

 

[bigneil]

Your gut is right that something is wrong, but it won't tell you WHY something is wrong. Sometimes it's best to disappear of 1-2 weeks, then talk about what is wrong. You must get to the bottom of it. A little time (not too much) helps. If you go 3 weeks she'll assume it's over and she will want a chance to dump you if you come back.

Sometimes she's hoping you ask what's wrong and trying to make it obvious so you can talk about it. If you don't resolve it at that point you will have to deal with secondary issues, and then the original issue gets buried but continues to be a source of her resentment. Once you hit tertiary issues she will be very unpleasant to be around and you must go NC for a long time.

 

[mikey2012]

Dump her first

 

[SoSuave666]

I trust my gut above all else, even what "she" says. If it is PROVEN that my gut is wrong, I will happily concede. However, what I find most is the uncertainty in anything that's not fact. If a woman says there isn't another guy in the picture, how can you find out without snooping around? If your woman says everything is OK, but your gut tells you something is going on with her, how can you figure things out without prying?

I trust my gut to the extent of interest vs. low interest. Really there is only one tool at our disposal as men and that's NC (the ability to walk away). Once ground rules are set and you are in a monogamous relationship, it's the only leverage you've got. So I don't worry about my gut telling me there is another guy, or telling me she is going through an emotional time, or whether it's her fvcking period. I trust my gut to the level that 'something is off.' What do I do at that moment? Back off. You'll gauge a lot when you do back off. Women cannot have it both ways, they simply canNOT. If they are being difficult or are gaining interest in another man it's not your job to convince them otherwise. You have to show them your ability to walk and see if they put their money where their mouth was at the beginning of the 'ship.

Once a woman loses interest she will rationalize it any way she wants. The real reason will always be uncertain, even to her. So you take a few steps back when she is acting difficult to covertly let her know it's not an acceptable way to act. You re-set the frame at that moment. The woman knows she is being difficult but will never admit to it. That's why if you break the silence she knows you're a lil bytch. She disrespected you, has been cold, and you try to display some power only to come crawling back. Nothing could be more pathetic.

Trust your gut on interest level alone. If hers is waning, you must back off. If your gut says her interest level is increasing, play to it.

 

[Down Low]

Your gut IS NOT always right. I've experienced this situation more and more times. Your gut is more like the interpretation based on your own world map . . . Your gut is more like a detector of incogruences in behavior in this case. . . . our gut often works to destroy us. . . . 1. You work to solve your gut problems . . . , or 2. You don't give a sh*t and go on

You are wrong and you couldn't be more wrong.

A man MUST trust his gut feelings. A man who cannot trust his instinctive responses, won't trust his higher-brain responses either. And when you can't trust your own thinking, you're through.

Let me put it another way. If you don't trust your own senses and interpretations, that means you either (1) trust someone else's thinking above your own (which makes you someone's b1tch), or (2) don't trust anyone (which makes you everyone's b1tch, because your responses go with the flow, blow with the wind, bend to the prevailing mood).

A man's gut feelings are the result of millions of years of evolution. Your ancestors successfully avoided predators, captured prey, vanquished sexual rivals, protected their women, and taught their sons to do the same. Your gut feelings are the most highly refined sensory and interpretative system ever. Space satellites, military radar networks, tsunami alerts: these don't have even a billionth of the rapidity of calculation and the accuracy of interpretation of an ordinary man's gut feelings.

Compare this to women's gut feelings, which are evolved to leave them confused and vulnerable so they can be inseminated.

If a man doubts himself, he will be confused and vulnerable, and predatory men will inseminate him.

 

[CrashOverRide]

I would refrain from doing that with women. Yes, it shows you're not insecure/jealous and the like, but it also shows a detachment to relationships and practically gives the woman permission to eventually sabotage things between you two if there's any question down the road for any reason, be it some other guy she finds attraction with, you not being the relationship type or whatever other reason she can find that suggests you're not the one for her (even if she has a rock-solid, high interest in you at that moment you make such a statement).



When my gut tells me something, I don't bring it up right away, but I do start paying much more attention to details. The truth can always be found in the finer details.

^^^^^^^

Good post

 

[DonJuanabe]

Amante: You are in fact right on the button. After saying what I said I went no contact and ignored her texts that weekend. The next week, when I got back in touch with her, she demanded that we communicate more often, every day in fact, since it is important in a relationship. The following day I contacted her and she said I shouldn't call her so much because it's not like we're boyfriend/girlfriend...

Originally Posted by DonJuanabe
I was in this situation not too long ago and I got that feeling in my gut, so I approached it by saying "We just started dating so we're not boyfriend/girlfriend yet; if you want to see other people go ahead, I don't control you."

I would refrain from doing that with women. Yes, it shows you're not insecure/jealous and the like, but it also shows a detachment to relationships and practically gives the woman permission to eventually sabotage things between you two if there's any question down the road for any reason, be it some other guy she finds attraction with, you not being the relationship type or whatever other reason she can find that suggests you're not the one for her (even if she has a rock-solid, high interest in you at that moment you make such a statement).

 

[DonJuanabe]

The main thing I've learned when it comes to women and any sign of negativity/gut feeling, and keep learning over and over and over, is KYFMS (Keep Your F*cking Mouth Shut). Instead, be wary, let her have her space, and play it cool.

 

[bigneil]

That's why if you break the silence she knows you're a lil bytch. She disrespected you, has been cold, and you try to display some power only to come crawling back. Nothing could be more pathetic.

Unless it works and she reverts to her old self. These hard and fast rules don't work. Half the time she disrespected you to begin with because she was hurt about something you did and by being stubborn you only create another problem.

If you really didn't care, you wouldn't be so spiteful for what she did.