I think my girlfriend is cheating on me

decades · Oct 3, 2006

This is a serious question. Do you have BPD? Because all the signs point to it. For one, you have a way of sucking the life out of the MALE species. Second, you seem to thrive on this activity and are energized by it. Third, you seem to seek out drama and dysfunction wherever you go, including your relationships with men. Fourth, you are definitively seeking massive MALE attention on this board, having posted almost 1.1% of the messages here on the board with over 23,000 members, and only a handful of which are female. Fifth, you have a toxic personality. Sixth, you have a need to create chaos and disorder as evidence by the number of threads you trash. I could go on. So tell me. Have you ever been diagnosed?

Wyldfire said:
Good...then they will see that I told you to stay on topic instead of trying to incite a stupid flame war with the girl.

Pfffft...

Victory Unlimited · Oct 3, 2006

Sometimes it's incredibly difficult to know WHO a woman is at the beginning, the middle, OR at the end.

Why? Because many people choose NOT to be themselves in the relationship arena. Many times they play the role to such an extent that they could be considered Oscar caliber actors and actresses.

I've got a friend who wanted a wholesome-looking, church-going, but extremely sexually active woman for his wife. He TOLD the girl he was dating this. So she set about giving him EXACTLY what he asked for. So he married her.

The problem is...immediately AFTER they got married, she closed down the "freaky factory" on him. She became almost totally frigid. And when he asked her for sex, she would only say "I only freaked you like that because that's what you wanted me to do. I never really liked the sex as much as you did. And now that we're married, you should love me enough to not want me to do something I don't really like."

Chilling, I know...Oh yeah, he's divorced from her now. HOORAY!!!!! LOL

There is an assumption being made here that Trae22 purposely chose a woman who he already KNEW was bad news. Maybe he did or mabye he didn't. Who knows?

All I'm saying is that there is always a danger of a person transforming themselves into what they THINK you want them to be in order to get something(whatever) from you.

And that's sometimes the danger of letting certain people KNOW what you're looking for in a relationship. Because sometimes they'll just fill in your "template" and give you what you want...TEMPORARILY.

But the killing part is: Every actor or actress, no matter how gifted, reaches a time when they get TIRED of acting. This why they call it an Intermission.

And that's when their mask begins to crack. That's when their passion for the role grows cold. And that's when they start forgetting their lines.

Yes, they get sloppy. And that's when you catch them ACTING.

All I'm saying is: If you're a trusting human being, it's not always easy to spot an ACTRESS.

If she's a damn good one!

GirlCrazy · Oct 3, 2006

Bottom line...there isn't a damn thing any guy on this forum can do to change the behavior of women. Blaming women for everything might make you all feel better for a few minutes but really, does it solve anything? Nope. I can't give this woman hell for what she did because she's not here reading this. All I can do is encourage this man to take responsibility for the things he CAN be in control of and change...and that's himself.

I don't see where everyone is saying blame the woman. The guys here unanimously advised him to make a clean break. Some (including you) made assumptions about her character, which isn't the same as blame. He's in a failed relationship, and how he got there or whos fault it is, at this point seems, IMO, completely irrelevent. The solution is the same either way.

Now once he makes the clean break (which from my experience he probably won't), he can reflect on what to do better next time so that he doesn't find himself in the same situation in the future.

You're trying to connect dots that don't exist.

Latinoman · Oct 3, 2006

Victory Unlimited said:
Sometimes it's incredibly difficult to know WHO a woman is at the beginning, the middle, OR at the end.

and

There is an assumption being made here that Trae22 purposely chose a woman who he already KNEW was bad news. Maybe he did or mabye he didn't. Who knows?

All I'm saying is that there is always a danger of a person transforming themselves into what they THINK you want them to be in order to get something(whatever) from you.

And that's sometimes the danger of letting certain people KNOW what you're looking for in a relationship. Because sometimes they'll just fill in your "template" and give you what you want...TEMPORARILY.

And that my friend is something that few of us can understand based on EXPERIENCE. Laying a bunch of women does NOT give a man that experience to see throught the "bait and switch". We see that stuff by getting involved in LTR.

What you described is to a degree what I've been preaching: the HYBERNATION THEOREM.

That's why knowing past is very important. And that's why being 100% rational/logical at the very early stages is also VERY important (there is when women tend to open up the most --until they figure out what the man actually wants, which is when she "changes" to give a false perception).

But unfortunately, many men are in LUST very early. They go nuts and crazy when they meet a hot woman and miss the important signs.

The chances of this man gotten decieved are GREAT. And if he lacked the experience to read people (which very few of us have), then it is not his fault.

And that's why I say that what happened to him to happen to ANY of US. I used to be a Player before. I don't teach that in here, because that's not the purpose of this site. But I KNOW I still use those skills to read people.

Very good post!

Latinoman · Oct 3, 2006

Bottom line...there isn't a damn thing any guy on this forum can do to change the behavior of women. Blaming women for everything might make you all feel better for a few minutes but really, does it solve anything? Nope.

And that's why we advice men to AVOID a certain population of women. The reason? Simple...these women have shown lack of judgement and at that age (30+) the likelihood of change are practically ZERO. While a woman in her 20s can be INFLUENCE and ADJUST.

He chose a crappy woman to be with and he needs to figure out why and then make a conscious effort NOT to repeat the same mistake again.

Many men choose crappy women. But they don't do that willingly. Fact is, LOT of women adjust their behavior or go into hybernation mode in order to lure a man to be with her. Then...when the times is ripe...and they feel they have the man in their grip...they change (e.g. go back their real self).

That's why I preach to avoid as much as possible a certain geographic (older, with children, etc.) of women.

Why? Not because ALL of them are bad. But because the LIKELIHOOD of having "lot of good ones" there is VERY LOW.

Unfair? No...considering that most women are great in the area of "bait and switch".

And that's why knowing her past is VERY important. "Past is past" is a very stupid mantra. Past does matter.

Sadly...it takes some time to get to know some of the woman that try to manipulate people into believing they are some kind of "great woman". And it takes a LOT longer to discover that if that woman happens to be older.

So, why take a chance? Me say...avoid them!

In Conclusion...the issue is not that he choose a "crappy woman". The issue is what he is going to do NOW that he has discovered she is crappy.

drZaius09 · Oct 3, 2006

Latinoman said:
Second solution is realizing that he failed to command (and perhaps even demand) respect from her. That's something that must be done very early in the relationship.

Respect, respect, respect... I swear you guys sound like a broken mp3.

Seriously, WHY do you demand respect from these women? WHY WHY WHY?!? I don't understand it. Why is their respect so goddamn essential to your lives? Can you answer this question for me?

I command respect from my colleagues, the people whose respect is an integral part of my well-being. A woman who I happen to be dating/screwing/living with/etc is an incidental element. She is disposable and replaceable. She has no bearing on my constitution. In other words, her respect is worthless. She cannot affect my way of life and she cannot dispel my happiness, neither with respect nor disrespect, unless I allow her to. This is my choice and nobody else's. But unlike most of the contributors here, I am committed to making the right one.

Would you prefer to have an attitude like this? Or would you rather be at the unforgiving mercy of the latest temperamental female who crawls into your bed? It's a simple question... you can take charge of your own emotions or you can relinquish control to someone else.

joekerr31 · Oct 3, 2006

ok, so a lot of folks think this guy was wrong for checking his gf's cell phone.

was he? yes he was. but NOT for the reasons you think.

he was wrong in the sense that the moment he felt the need to check her cell phone he should have listened to his intuition and known that he was ALREADY in deep sh*t.

but not everyone can have matured to the point where they trust their intuition. he didn't check hoping to be right, he checked hoping to be wrong (in all likelihood). he checked to make sure that he didn't sabatoge his relationship for no reason.

personally i see absolutely NOTHING wrong with snooping on someone if you are in a long term relationship and suspect they are cheating and ALSO suspect that they will BOLD FACE lie to you about their behavior. now, if you suspect that the relationship is already doomed and you don't have to check and shoudl just walk away anyway. but hey, its silly to think everyone has the perspective to do that.

so if you have to check, so be it.

i know people who got private eyes and caught their spouses cheating. CONGRATULATIONS!!!! i say.

they saved themselves YEARS of bullsh*t lies and living in an illusion.

all i can really say is that if you've been with someone for years and you suspect they are cheating, odds are they are. and if they aren't cheating, they are up to something.

at all times in life, even after 20 years of marriage, you are still an individual and you still have the right to protect yourself from cheats, liars and theives. and if snooping on someone to put to rest sneaking suspicions you have is the only way to find out what is going on, then that's life.

99% of the time if you get a P.I. you're going to find out something that ends the relationship. So in a way it's usually an act of a person who is ready to move, but need to know for sure that its over before they can.

if i was married and my spouse got a P.I. to follow me i wouldn't be pissed. I'd be shocked and it would clearly indicate that something was wrong with our relationship and I'd work at fixing that. But i treat peopel with respect so I can't ever imaging a woman ever doing that to me, as they'd never have a reason to.

amoka · Oct 3, 2006

write-and run...

Fellas, have you all noticed how this guy just posted the question and never bother to respond to other people's comments for us to know he's getting the "help" that he feels he needs? He probably is not reading any of the suggestions. He'll come back here three weeks later and say " my girlfriend wants to leave me..."

Sinistar · Oct 3, 2006

drZaius09 said:
Seriously, WHY do you demand respect from these women? WHY WHY WHY?!? I don't understand it. Why is their respect so goddamn essential to your lives? Can you answer this question for me?

I'll bite. Speaking for myself, I will continually strive to be the best at whatever I take on. Whether it be career, education, hobbies, casual dating, a comitted relationship, family, friendships, etc. I don't do it for them, I do it for me. I do it for me because it feeds back on itself boosting confidence in myself, building trust in others, continuing to earn more in a career I am good at and finally ... the ability to be a leader in a relationship with a woman, not a supplicating follower.

So why the respect you ask? Because a woman who shows no respect is the equivalent of a u-turn back down the negative self-defeating path. It is my belief and thus my responsibility to lead in any relationship I allow a woman to have with me. Her lack of respect translates (IMHO) to her lack of dedication to accept her role and follow. For many years I was naive, accepting the social programming that couples should do everything 50/50, blah, blah, hurl, gagh, arghhh!

My take is a variant of Latinoman's. Although I will never command and most certainly never demand a woman's respect. I do believe it is one of the only healthy positive 'expectations' a man should have of a woman. And this can accomplished in a rather simple yet very covert way. Be unwaivering, confident, take no sh!t, make no changes for her, keep hobbies and friends and always know and give the vibe that the instant she looks elsewhere I'm just movin' on to the million other better choices I haven't explored yet.

Let me throw an example right back at you. That very woman living with you. You come home and find some Alpha/DJ/Pua/ex doing her in your own bed. I don't know what you call that, but I'm thinking it just might qualify as 'disrespect'. Now you can tell all 20,000+ forum members that you won't give a rip or have any emotional reaction. My guess is that you're not going to have many believers. My point, her disrespect will affect you in some emotional way. Hurt, anger, well you be the judge.

You realize the point of my example. No one (well at least no healthy individual) is emotionally indifferent on demand. You're not, I'm not and neither is the OP. We're all at some point along our progression to where'll we'll end up. Some will find fulfilling relationships, some won't. Some will become trapped in endless f'ups some will learn from it, grow and move on. I suspect you've gotten to where you are by learning a thing or two the hard way. Very few find the shortcut to that place you speak of.

Finally, you asked about attitude. I believe in a healthy attitude. Avoid the droves of f'd up women out there who never knew daddy's love, looking for someone to take care of them, etc. Start a relationship if it feels right. Walk away if it feels wrong. Sometimes we screw that part up (ie walking away). Accept the fact there'll be some hurt along the way if the emotional investment was big and more importantly grow up and realize there is more than one person out there who just might be a good match.

The OP is clearly in troubled waters. He's gonna have to tread water and swim out by himself. A bunch of dudes were giving him advice on the best way to do this. He ain't gushing blood, he's just human and he'll survive and he knows it.

zerocelcius · Oct 3, 2006

Tra I gave this same advice to another don that found his girl cheating the same way you did. By text messages.

My personal way to act on somthing is this. Talk to her in person. Look her in the eye. Tell her what you know and how you found out. For you to grow from this each of you have to take responsibility for your actions. You are both grown adults. No reason to hide your ethics and condem her for hers.

Tell her you are done. Tell her there is nothing she can say or do, and tell her you are being upfront and honest which you wish she would have done with you.

Your side of it has to uphold the Respect you must have for yourself. Not the disrespect she has earned. Handle it calm and tell her how it is going to be. Two weeks to move out ... however you set it, it has to be the law.

Move on! Good things come to those that don't settle for bad things!

lee36044 · Oct 3, 2006

question or two

I've watched the debate develop over rightness/wrongness of the method that caught the "cheat". I've also lived something similar. Has anyone thought about the fact that the average woman who is going to cheat can usually hide it a lot better than that? Especially from a guy operating in AFC mode!

I've had my DJ periods and had my AFC periods. In the AFC times ... I've had more than a one woman cheat for whatever reason. Some were just that way, poor choices for me to try a relationship with anyway. Others changed over time. Whatever the reason, there was always one blatant fact that couldn't be ignored! In AFC mode you don't see it coming until it smacks you in the face!

I don't know how her phone works but I'll guarantee it takes less time to delete a text than it does to read it! If she didn't want to be caught that way, the only time he would have access to that phone would be when call logs and text message areas were empty! Spending time away from you that she could be with you? I'll bet that it was happening long before he noticed but was being covered by excuses he could believe in the begining!

Everyone is telling the man he should leave! I'm gonna take that a step further ... that's exactly the message she is sending him too! Think about it ... he's being pretty vague, but it seems as though this is a recent development that finally caused him to snoop! When he did he finds all this info on the phone incriminating her! Anyone here familiar with the role of provocation in espionage?

And how about this? Anyone who has ever had a woman dump them to be with someone else knows that she will do everything she possibly can to appear to be the one in the right! The most devoted loving AFC instantly becomes the worlds dirtiest rottenest scoundrel in order for her to justify her leaving!

My opinion, this girl wants to be gone. She set it up so he would feel the need to snoop and left something for him to find! And the raging debate over snooping here is exactly what she wants to use to justify leaving. If he doesn't make issue of it and tries to salvage the relationship, she will go anyway, she'll just cause him more pain and suffering in the process.

So add a vote to the getting away from her list. He's in a no win and even though wrong for giving in and snooping, not snooping would have had the same result. The only answer was one a few of you put forth early on ... he should have known it was done when he felt the need to snoop. But how many guys operating in AFC mode ever figure that out?

Wyldfire · Oct 4, 2006