I think its time i asked for help

[bravenewworld]

i'm a 24 yr old nerd and happy being so (ie, i watch star trek, love it and am not ashamed of the fact). i also ride a motorcycle and play piano and guitar, earn a lot, live alone... i'm not a loser living in my parents basement

next, my dad is dying...slowly. i'm not coping well. i've found that i have no friends i can rely on. the people i once called friends are just people i can have a few hours of fun with, but when it comes to relying on them wheni 'm in a **** place...they dont even know what it means to be a true friend - they basically wait for me to take a breath between sentences so that they can begin talking about themselves again. i haven't spoken to many of them in weeks, and sadly they haven't called me to see if my dad or i are still alive.

i've slowly watched myself descend into a place of pathetic isolation. i've lost any semblence of confidence i once had, lost my friends, and am wondering how i'm going to get out of this **** place. i haven't been laid, let alone met a new girl in over six months, and even the last one was a drunken accident

ive covered the things i'm not happy with. i'm alone. apart from family, i'm alone.

now i'm admitting i need help. i dont know how or where to start. i've been going to the gym daily, have lost several kgs and a few cms round the waistline, and for the first time in awhile, i have a goal = to get slim. but it seems my life is on hold until my dad dies (its only a matter of time now, weeks, months, who knows?). i've put any goals around friendship or women aside - i just need to get through this current phase of my life.

i dont know what any of you can offer me - im' hoping some life advice - sympathy from some strangers would be useless... i used to be able to look to look at someone in the eyes when walking by them on the street, and now it scares me to see how socially retarded i'm becoming (you've heard of the 70/30 rule? the only way i can maintain a conversation is to ask incessant questions because i have nothing i want to say or divulge about myself and my situation...i'm struggling to maintain a 95/5 rule, because i just have nothing to say). maybe i need to put my life on hold for now, as i try to deal with what i've got to deal with, but fukc, it'd be nice to hear what someone else thinks for once...

 

[Bible_Belt]

Motorcycles are not nerdy. Neither are guitars. Are you interested enough in music to want to play in a band? If so, that would be something to pursue that would give you goals to work toward.

 

[L B]

Your focus at the moment is your dad. Everything else can wait. In the mean time, continue with the daily gym thing. Once your ready for the next phase, you can focus on your social life. Friends and women come and go in this life, they are not as important as family.

 

[lynch1000s]

70/30 rule is bad...? As in asking questions 70% and talking 30%? And that's how you should do it, in my opinion.

For me it's probably like 90/10, haha! Unless I'm talking to friends.

 

[I'm in the Mood]

You need to go make some friends.

It sounds like you are putting lots of your energy into worrying about your dad. Man, you don't have to think about death before it happens. Just be the friend that you never had to your dad, and you'll develop a sense of what that kind of friend is like, so you can then look for some.

I see a metaphor in this post- Your dad dying and your social life dying.

But dude, If you feel alone, there's only one solution: Go make some friends.

 

[sharkbeat]

Life gives you ****, doesn't it?

I'd suggest to get active as much as possible. Get yourself involved in some kind of project: write a song or learn new things. That will keep you sane for a while until things are getting better.

Be passionate!

 

[Fantastic Mr. Fox]

If you're going through tough times, it helps to have a support network that's there for you. If there isn't one there, it can be hard to make one. But it's true, your focus should be on your dad. Get through this tough time.

On the upside... Who knows? Maybe someone will lend a sympathetic vagina to your cause if you feel lonely in that department. You could meet a bunch of helpful people, too. You'd be surprised how differently people can react to what you're going through - it's sometimes better out than in. Sometimes you're on the 70 end of the 70/30 rule.

 

[iqqi]

Sounds like you are gaining a lot of new perspective. Going through a real rough time in your life. This is one of those times that will further define the person that you are.

I think that it is ok to become socially retarded during times like this. Focus on the inside. Read a lot. Watch movies with meaning, learn what you can. Especially learn from your dad. Spend all these last days with him that you can. Forget the rest of the world. It's just you. And there is still him.

As far as friends go, most people are sh!t. Be happy if you make a couple of real friends in this life time. Sounds rough, and it's not really as bad as it sounds, anyways.

I know you don't need any stranger's sympathies, but you have mine anyways. This is going to change you. It's up to you in what ways.

ps why are you so bad with the ladies? Care to elaborate?

 

[bravenewworld]

This is going to change you. It's up to you in what ways.

ps why are you so bad with the ladies? Care to elaborate?

I know this is going to change me, but right now, it only seems for the worse. Have you or do you know anyone who's gone through this, and if so, where the heck is the silver lining?

I'm bad with the ladies (though lately its just bad with people in general) because i'm quiet and introverted by nature, so Ive never felt comfortable leading a conversation - which is why I suggested i'm at 95/5 (i should also clarify, its not that when i'm with people we'll sit in silence. i have (or can fake when needed) a genuine interest in people, and so i like to ask them about themselves).

but its this quietness coupled with my fear of approaching that has me failing at the starting gate. the few times i've tried, when i cold approach someone, i know i have to carry the conversation for the first few minutes until they get comfortable. but its the fear of not being able to carry the conversation...i've gotten by via introductions by friends, or with alcohol, but neither of those were even remotely good solutions

my only hope that i hold for myself is that as soon as i'm able, i plan to move to a new city, and completely start over. that way, i'll have a perfect excuse to go out and meet people, and my loneliness and lack of friends will seem more justified, as opposed to the result of being some *depressed* loser (i hesitate to use the word, as i'm not sure that i am, maybe just at a low point)

 

[Cinamon]

I kind of know what you are going through, cause i went through something similar with my mum many years ago. Fir those few months, i literally lost contact with the whole of the outside world, and it was just me and her. It drove me crazy, being isolated, depended an all the time, but it was what was expected of a dutiful daughter. If i had my chance again, i would have gone out more, taking her with me, andjust have time apart. It took me a long time to develop my social skills and confidence again, and you dont really want to be there. You need to take time out for yourself cause it seems like you are bottling up a lot of it, and it needs to be released.

 

[Gary45]

Hi everyone! Glad to be a part of your community. Hope you are enjoying your stay here

 

[LovelyLady]

Grief

It makes us feel like we have entire layers of skin ripped off our bodies and even the slightest hint of a breeze in the air brings us pain. The bitter wind of grief cuts us wide open and leaves us feeling defenseless, because we are. Be defenseless. Don't run, don't hide, don't anesthesize.

In this situation you are powerless to change the circumstances.

You are powerless to change the ability of the depth of relating the people around you are able to give.

These are not your failings - try to accept it as it is and grieve the loss of a belief in the depth of relating you thought you had with your friends as well. It is okay to grieve it all - to accept it as it is, with all the pain that goes with that acceptance.

It is rare to find a person who will sit with us in "the fire" - in this case, your grief, in your sadness, in your loss.

Noone can go where you are going - your grief is sacred and it is your own - own it.
Love it.
Appreciate your ability to go through it - and you WILL go through it and you WILL be a better man for knowing who you are in deep grief and sadness. You will develop the tools to BE there for others in their grief - a rare and treasured gift to be able to offer another.

You are a son, and have been for 24 years - you know who that boy was... now you don't know who you will become - how will this change you? Being catipulted into the next phase of manhood without your permission...

Be brave and trust your self.

Trust the lessons you learned while being the child/boy as you enter this stage of being your own parent/man.

You will get through this grief to the other side, and the journey is worth it.

I promise.

 

[bravenewworld]

LL, I must have read your post 5 times...

Truly, thank you.

 

[Interceptor]

One of the main things I can offer is is something that I remember seeing a trainer telling Sanshou fighter Cung Le basically "Embrace the pain. Champions embrace the pain."


Basically, have the guts to go through it without hiding from it. And develop the tools you need so you are now one step higher in your evolution.
You cannot find the 'tools' you need to cope with life without this particular circumstance happening to you.


Dont deny this.

You must face it with all your faculties.


You wont be able to develop and get to your next level and basically be a "Champion" at life without getting proper perspective and the tools needed to cope.

Thoroughly FEEL these emotions.
Accept them.
Let them be able to flow through you.

And then gather all your strength and move through it.

In a way, this is "war". And when we face these life challenges, and you are not alone in this, we must 'rally our troops'.

We must defend WHO we are. WHAT we want in Life. We cant allow ourselves to be destroyed. And feeling spent, drained, exhausted, defeated and giving up is NATURAL. It is to be expected.
But that is what the 'average' 'normal' person does.

And they dont take the chance to excel.

You have to WANT to be a Champion.

Trust me.
Believe me.

You have GOT to find that inner strength and value yourself to accept and embrace this grief, that IS overwhelming, and move forward WITH IT.

THAT takes guts.

Do you have a hard jaw or a 'glass chin'?

Take a moment and think about it.
Get strong.
Now, the other side is that you have to :

Accept
Forgive
Heal

Each painful episode, every error and mistake, all your slip ups, woundings, traumas and the other persons.
You have to accept, forgive and heal within yourself all those situations that arose.
How do you do this?

Love.

If you feel you dont have enough love, you will have a harder time with all this.
But you must find enough love for yourself and be able to give it to others without seeking return.

This is the 'soft' part of ourselves. The Yin aspect. The nurturing,that we , as Men, have to cultivate as well.
It is not all about Ground and Pound.

We have to be gentle with ourselves too. And others. This is a learned skill.
And it, like all the others is EARNED.
With each skill and tool , you ascend. You raise your consciousness.

Dont Resist these things.

Dont force the resistance , because that is where the Stress comes from. And it creates distortions in the body, and mind. And the emotions.
We need to heal and balance all these things.
Be gentle, be firm, be yielding, but have integrity.
Yin/Yang.

Youre young.
This wont be the only time you will experience these types of things.
There will be permutations of this all of your life.
Do you want to move ahead in life without your skills and tools to cope??

I dont think so.

Find your inner strength.
You are worth it.
And you are not alone.

We have to learn to "walk the walk".



I hope this helps a little.


I.

 

[iqqi]

I know this is going to change me, but right now, it only seems for the worse. Have you or do you know anyone who's gone through this, and if so, where the heck is the silver lining?

I'm bad with the ladies (though lately its just bad with people in general) because i'm quiet and introverted by nature, so Ive never felt comfortable leading a conversation - which is why I suggested i'm at 95/5 (i should also clarify, its not that when i'm with people we'll sit in silence. i have (or can fake when needed) a genuine interest in people, and so i like to ask them about themselves).

but its this quietness coupled with my fear of approaching that has me failing at the starting gate. the few times i've tried, when i cold approach someone, i know i have to carry the conversation for the first few minutes until they get comfortable. but its the fear of not being able to carry the conversation...i've gotten by via introductions by friends, or with alcohol, but neither of those were even remotely good solutions

my only hope that i hold for myself is that as soon as i'm able, i plan to move to a new city, and completely start over. that way, i'll have a perfect excuse to go out and meet people, and my loneliness and lack of friends will seem more justified, as opposed to the result of being some *depressed* loser (i hesitate to use the word, as i'm not sure that i am, maybe just at a low point)

Hey BNW, and cool moniker by the way, what's the story with that one?

Anyways, some people will say that it is never a good idea to run away from your issues. And I am NOT one of them, lol. I think that moving to a new city can do wonders for someone who is stuck in a rut, in a bad place, uninspired with life around them, or even someone who just is tired of looking at the same crap day in and day out. What part of the world are you living in?

As far as your issues with being social, I am in the same boat. I am a quiet introvert, and find it hard to make friends. That is mainly when I am in a comfort zone. When I am in a new place, people naturally gravitate towards me and I do not automatically but up shields to keep them at bay. Is that something you may be doing without realizing it?

I do not think that there is anything wrong with being a quiet, introverted person. As a matter of fact I think it is a great thing to be, just not for everyone. It is a quality I look for in people, as well. To be a quiet introvert, you have to learn and KNOW your strengths, not rely on outside validation. This will make you the silent and strong type, which is the best type in my eyes. And then you will need to know that there is someone out there who will LOVE that about you.

I see LL and Interceptor have found this thread. That is a good thing, they are like a buddhist warrior teacher meets therapist combo. However, I also think that it would be a GREAT idea to reach out to some professionals in real life as well. Depending on where you are at in this world, there are usually places that can offer you grief counseling, and other types of counseling, for free or a low price. I don't know if price matters at all, but if it does, with your age, check out some campuses around your area.

I agree with BB in the post shortly after yours, I don't see how you are a loser, either. Seems like you have some cool interests, and a great mind. Time to find like minded people, and eventually a like minded girl.

 

[phenomenom]

Enjoy every moment that you have with your dad. Forget everything else. Don't worry about your friends being bad friends. Don't worry about being bad with women. In times like these, our minds automatically starts thinking about the negative side of things. Its Natural. Stay positive and enjoy your time that you spend with your dad.

 

[ENIGMA16]

Okay, first you need to really assess where you are at right now, this very moment, as you read this post. What are you doing? Sitting in a chair reading this post, maybe eating something or having a drink? Think about that for a while - think about the present moment.

Basically what I am getting at is that you need to get out of your head! Your mind is so focused on the past ("I haven't had sex in months") and the future ("My father is going to die") that you're letting the present moment completely slip away. The reality of the situation is that there is only the present moment. The past only exists in your mind as memories, and the future doesn't even exist yet so your conception of it only comes from what you construct in your head. You're living completely inside your head and letting your life slip by.

But the truth is that there is only the present moment. You need to learn to get out of your head and to experience the present moment and to appreciate it for what it is. There is a famous Buddhist story that goes as follows:

Probably many meditators, Buddhist and otherwise, know the story of the monk being chased by a tiger toward the edge of a cliff. He leaps off the cliff, grasping a vine that has grown over the edge. Below him is a long drop to certain death, above him is the snarling tiger. As the monk swings in midair, a mouse begins gnawing at the vine above him. His position is one of utter precariousness. Growing out of the cliff in front of him is a wild strawberry, which he picks and eats. He says, "This strawberry is delicious."

The point of this story is obvious. Even in a time where it seemed like his death was certain, the monk was able to appreciate the strawberry; he was able to put the tiger and the chasm below him aside for a moment and appreciate the strawberry. You need to learn to do this.

Am I saying that you need to forget about your father? Of course not! I don't think that would even be possible. But what you need to do is you need to be able to say "Yes, my father is dying, but I am not going to let that consume my life or my feelings." This is the second important point you need to realize: you can't do anything about your father dying. Your actions have absolutely no bearing on his condition.

So what does constantly being depressed about it do for you? It does nothing but waste energy and make you feel terrible. Feeling this way is your choice. You can choose if you want to be depressed about it or if you want to say "Yeah, my father is dying, but being depressed about it all the time isn't going to help the situation whatsoever, and is just going to damage me by making me feel terrible constantly, so I am just going to go on living my life without letting it consume me."

To be depressed/angry/distraught over anything that is out of your control is a complete waste of energy. So why do it?!

Now, I've been focusing on the issue of your father because it is the most important, and affects you the most profoundly. I highly doubt you would be as down as you do if that was not happening.

As for not being laid, so what? Why does that matter? There is nothing wrong with this whatsoever. The amount/frequency of sex you have is not a barometer of your abilities as a man or your personality, unless you let it be. In doing so you are letting your own view of your self worth be determined by others. This is unhealthy.

As for your friends, if you don't like them then why don't you just stop hanging out with them? Are you afraid of being alone? What is wrong with being alone? You act as if being alone is the worst thing in the world; in reality, if you were balanced and self-confident, you would have absolutely no problem with being alone. Once again, fear of being alone is allowing others to dictate your view of your own self worth.

i've been going to the gym daily, have lost several kgs and a few cms round the waistline, and for the first time in awhile, i have a goal = to get slim.

This is a wonderful start! This is probably the best place for men to start in improving themselves because it teaches discipline, planning and dealing with suffering, and will also provide a large boost in confidence for not only looking much better and being stronger, but also for being able to accomplish goals at serious cost. Keep this up, get very aggressive at it and if you have the discipline to follow through you will feel a ton better.

but it seems my life is on hold until my dad dies (its only a matter of time now, weeks, months, who knows?). i've put any goals around friendship or women aside - i just need to get through this current phase of my life.

I think this is a terrible idea. Do you think your dad wants you to put your life on hold until he dies? I highly doubt he would want you sitting around waiting for him to die as opposed to going out and attempting to accomplish your goals in life. Your dad wants to see you succeed. You can't succeed if you are sitting at home at his bedside every day. If you really want to make the rest of his time the best it could possibly be then you need to not only spend time with him but also spend time on yourself. I'm not saying you have to live your life as if he wasn't dying, but set some goals and work towards them; perhaps go to school, maybe start a business, chase your passion. And yes, you really should afford some time to yourself to relax; both the body and mind require it to be healthy.

Don't put your life on hold. It is the last thing your father wants you to do. This is why I completely disagree with everyone that is saying "spend every minute with him".

In conclusion, I think you really need to focus on learning how to deal with your feelings better and learning how to appreciate the present moment while not thinking so much about the past or present, which aren't even real. Start reading about how the mind works and how you can control your feelings, urges, etc... I'd suggest you look into Buddhist writings more because they're usually the best on this subject (although a lot of it is trash).

Start with this book. It's really short and an incredibly easy read with a lot of profound insights packed into a really small book. Trust me, it is definitely worth the $10.

I also suggest that you start meditating twice daily. Sounds stupid, I know, but it really helps in learning to clear your mind, control your thoughts and master your feelings. In the morning after you wake up and in the evening before going to bed just sit somewhere comfortable for 10 minutes (eyes open or closed is really your call). Just sit and clear your mind; think of nothing at all. You'll find that your mind is not used to this and will flood you with random thoughts; just acknowledge them and push them aside. At first this will be very difficult, but as you do it your mind gets more used to it and you will be able to do it in longer intervals.

Seriously, if you read that book and meditate twice daily for 10 minutes you will see a noticeable difference.

But yes, you definitely do need to focus on your self right now; women can come later.

PM me if you have any questions.

 

[bravenewworld]

I feel very lucky that many of you stumbled onto my thread.

iqqi, LL, Interceptor, JLay87 - thank you for taking the time to write such detailed responses - its precisely what I've been looking for, some advice and instruction.

I'll have to think about how I'm going to go forward, because I can't blindly consolidate your viewpoints, otherwise between everyone's advice, I need to focus on my dad, and letting my other problems fall to the side, while also not focusing on my dad and not letting the present slip away.

JLay, you've definitely given me something to think about, because I've heard exactly the same thing from my dad - he doesn't want me moping about and worrying too much about him, but it wasn't until I heard it from someone else that it occurred to me that yes, that might actually be an option.

Thank you all.

 

[iqqi]

Glad to be of help. And of course you are the only one who knows which path to take. There are many options, always.

And seems you have good help, perspective, and view points here, if/when you need them more.