I screwed up!

[mustangguy]

I'm new to this forum and need some advice..........My situation:

A long story so please be patient......I'm 57 and my ex is 50............

I met her in August of 2012. We dated several times before we became intimate and at that time agreed to a committed relationship. She invited me over for Thangsgiving Dinner and meet her girls who are 19 and 20. She said in her 8 years of divorce this is the first time she had let somebody become close to her family. I became a bit depressed in December around the holidays due to past issues (long story) and I didn't call her for about
2 1/2 months. We reconnected in early March and things went real well as we were texting and talking everyday. She began sharing a lot of deep secrets and thoughts with me. In April I told her that I wanted to get into a commited relationship, apoligized deeply for my past absense again but she was hesitant and for good reason. Probably becasue of my past behavior. She said she needed time to think about it. I agreed to only date her but she never gave me the same guarantee but she did tell me she contacted 2 men she had been dating during my absense and told them she was dating only me. So I didn't pressure her and we continued dating and daily conact but didn't have sex which was OK due to the past trust factor and proving to her I could be relied upon. I made extra effort to be there for her to listen to her problems and not offer advice. When she need some support I wanted her to know I could be there for her 100%. About 2 weeks ago she had to put here 14 year old dog to sleep. I had offered to take the day off work and go with her to the vet's office for support but she never asked me to. She called me later in the day but I didn't have my phone with me and was a bit upset because I wasn't there for her to talk to when she made the decision. I didn't argue the point and Friday that week I wanted to see her and comfort her but she said she had other plans and wanted to get out of the house for awhile. I got a bit angry but didn't yell and finally told her this emotional rollercoaster was too much and she had to decide if she wanted to causually date, commit to a relationship or just move on as these daily texts and conversations were just sending the wrong message. I haven't heard from her in a week and I haven't contacted her in over that week as not to appear to be desperate. At this point any contact wouldn't be good because i am at an emotional low.
I hate to think I really screwed this up. Any Advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

[evan12]

She didnt like you , most women when their interest level is low they keep the relationship on edge and any mistake from your side they end the relationship without any negotiation. I think you did a mistake when you really believed her.
she is a lier when she told you she didn't contact any man within 8 years and suddenly in two months have 2 men .

Accept the reality that she not really like you and move on.

even if she returned how could you trust a woman that left you just because you didnt reply for a phone .

 

[Slickster]

Three things you will hopefully learn from this:

1. Be a Challenge. Never be the one to ask for or even bring up an exclusive relationship. This is her job. She wants/needs to feel like she is chasing you. This is exciting and romantic for a woman. It gives her challenge and sets the entire relationship on the right track. You need to be the "catch" not her. It doesn't matter if you are 17 or 57.

2. Be in Control. This means be in control of your emotions. Be cool and calm always. Don't get angry and no "emotional roller coasters". Women get emotional not men. Don't get drawn into emotional chick drama ever. When situations like this arise you need to rise above the storm and stay calm. If need be excuse yourself from the situation and tell her you will speak with her when she is calm and in a better headspace. Also be in control of your life and situation. You need to be the leader and in command. Never wait around for a woman trying to decide about you. You should be actively dating and meeting other women at all times until you become exclusive.

3. Be confident. Know that you are a good man and a great catch. There are plenty of women out there who would be lucky to have you. Know this and let it sink into your very soul. Never doubt yourself and certainly never let her see you in this light. Don't get jealous or insecure ever.

Good luck.

 

[mustangguy]

I forgot to add she was in an emotionally abusive marriage so i believe she has trust issues with men. She didn't officially give me any answer to my ultimatum in the sense of telling me so but by virtue of the fact she has not contacted me in a week is enough to convince me she has left which I am in the process of coming to terms with. The good news is i do have a date on Sunday afternoon. The great part is this woman initiated the contact! The only question is if my ex does contact me what would be the best way to handle the situation? Should I just tell her i have moved on? Should I mention i am dating others? Thanks!

 

[corrector]

I got a bit angry but didn't yell and finally told her this emotional rollercoaster was too much and she had to decide if she wanted to causually date, commit to a relationship or just move on as these daily texts and conversations were just sending the wrong message. I haven't heard from her in a week and I haven't contacted her in over that week as not to appear to be desperate. At this point any contact wouldn't be good because i am at an emotional low.
I hate to think I really screwed this up. Any Advice would be greatly appreciated!

In a sense you should not have sent that email to her since it was a negative email that was critical of her. Always bring it up to this board or to other people before writing and sending something. Normally I won't send a negative email unless it is a break-up email and if there really is something that needs to talk about it is best to do it in person over coffee or drinks and then you get a response right away and its in rapport with them.

Do not contact her again. Stick to yourself and do whatever you have to do. She is no longer in your life and whatever you write, the opposite will be her interpretation. If you have to write to a girl and tell her you've moved on then it means you have not otherwise why would you write to her? Move on means you no longer see yourself as having a future or present together just a past, not necessarily because you are seeing other women. Some people date other people and still have their "ex" on their mind. If you have to let this "ex" of yours know this then it means she has power over you and you have to validate yourself to her as a man to show you have other women in your life. Is that really moving on, or are you just trying to get her jealous and you are using that other girl?

You are 57 years old anyway. You should know these things. I'm surprised to this in that age category. Have you been in a relationship before or were married before yourself?

 

[mustangguy]

In a sense you should not have sent that email to her since it was a negative email that was critical of her. Always bring it up to this board or to other people before writing and sending something. Normally I won't send a negative email unless it is a break-up email and if there really is something that needs to talk about it is best to do it in person over coffee or drinks and then you get a response right away and its in rapport with them.

Do not contact her again. Stick to yourself and do whatever you have to do. She is no longer in your life and whatever you write, the opposite will be her interpretation. If you have to write to a girl and tell her you've moved on then it means you have not otherwise why would you write to her? Move on means you no longer see yourself as having a future or present together just a past, not necessarily because you are seeing other women. Some people date other people and still have their "ex" on their mind. If you have to let this "ex" of yours know this then it means she has power over you and you have to validate yourself to her as a man to show you have other women in your life. Is that really moving on, or are you just trying to get her jealous and you are using that other girl?

You are 57 years old anyway. You should know these things. I'm surprised to this in that age category. Have you been in a relationship before or were married before yourself?

Actually I didn't tell her in an email but it was during a phone conversation but i get your point. i probably know how to handle this but it just feels better to write it down as it helps the healing process. Thanks for the good advice!

 

[WoodB]

Sir, I am in your age bracket and have recently ended a realtionship under difficult and confusing circumstatnces. In your case, her interest level in you has dropped significantly for various reasons, some of it obvious to you, and some of it unclear to you because of the nature of women. You acted in good faith, and behaved like a gentleman throughout the process. Your conscience should be clear to proceed to date the other lady.

 

[Slickster]

I forgot to add she was in an emotionally abusive marriage so i believe she has trust issues with men. She didn't officially give me any answer to my ultimatum in the sense of telling me so but by virtue of the fact she has not contacted me in a week is enough to convince me she has left which I am in the process of coming to terms with. The good news is i do have a date on Sunday afternoon. The great part is this woman initiated the contact! The only question is if my ex does contact me what would be the best way to handle the situation? Should I just tell her i have moved on? Should I mention i am dating others? Thanks!

Don't feel sorry for her due to her past. Treat her the same as any other woman.

Don't worry whether she has left or not. Women come and go. Many times they come back. Don't burn any bridges.

Go on your date and enjoy it. If your ex contacts you she doesn't need to know anything right now. Until you are in an exclusive relationship just keep your mouth shut. You owe these women nothing and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you dating multiple women. Don't ever feel bad about that. In fact women love competition and will be more attracted to you if she finds out you are in demand.

 

[CaliMan007]

A big thing I've learned is to keep spinning plates. You are the prize, the catch... they come to you! You shouldn't be begging the woman for anything or waiting on her to give you an answer. She's dating other people so that means her interest level is low. If she finds someone who really strikes her interest you will be toast in a heartbeat. Do you want to be the back-up guy?

 

[mustangguy]

Been 9 days now and although the temptation to contact her hit a high point this morning. I resisted and wrote down her phone number, hid it high in the cupboard out of site and deleted it from my phone. Also deleted her email address and all pictures on my computer. Felt better after doing so...........Thanks to all that have replied. Even though you're unknown to me it feels good that you all showed you care!

 

[5string]

I don't think you messed up. I just wasn't a good fit.

Go find another woman.

 

[like2jam]

Good job deleting the number. No need to contact her, she knows already where you stand. It's really hard sometimes, but by continuing to pursue other women and by staying positive and trying to focus on the present and future, you can find peace and stay positive.

 

[evan12]

Been 9 days now and although the temptation to contact her hit a high point this morning. I resisted and wrote down her phone nuber, hid it high in the cupboard out of site and deleted it from my phone. Also deleted her email address and all pictures on my computer. Felt better after doing so...........Thanks to all that have replied. Even though you're unknown to me it feels good that you al showed you care!

years ago that is what I did , the moment I deleted every thing about her I forget her , as long as you keep the hope you will never forget

 

[WoodB]

It takes grit to do what you are doing. Good for you.

 

[mustangguy]

I broke down and contacted her on Monday ( I know it was stupid).
We talked for about 2 hours but neither her nor I brought up any relationship or dating issues. She asked me how I was and I told her I was real happy and everything is going great!....All she talked about was issues she was having. After we hung up she texted me and thanked me for calling. Then she called again and thanked me over the phone.
She texted me a couple of times yesterday but I am hoping she doesn't call
as i don't want to be her "emotional tampon".....I am definetely starting no contact again and hope I can stick with it. I want to be done with this whole mess!

 

[WoodB]

You are right, Mustangguy. This has the makings of the old tampon dance. Some women need to be talking to a shrink, not to Don Juan.