I need to hear it from you guys.

[Dan08]

The whole reason I came looking for SS was because I was dumped by my ex however many months ago now.

Since then I've had a ONS, become an ****y ****e (in a good way!) and I am taking serious steps to improve my image, confidence etc all based on the bible and teachings on here.

I've moved on from this girl, it took time and unfortunately she is still apart of my life occasionally through mutual friends. When I see her I'm civil, keep chit chat to a minimum and just hang with the lads.

She contacted me this evening after she was at a mutual gathering saying she hoped I got home okay and would like to meet up soon for a catchup as it'd be good to talk.

Now, I'd like to think she's taking these steps now because she sees me cracking on with shiit and im in a really good place right now though I really think she just wants to see what's happening in my life right now as I don't tell her ****.
I don't entertain any fantasy of getting back with her whatsoever, I want to bang a sh!tload of birds and be a DJ believe me but part of me hopes she goes 'Dan I messed up' just so I can say, sorry love I've moved on. Vindicative maybe, but **** it.

Now I know I need to blow this girl off, say sorry just busy with work, life etc and be done with it but the AFC in me that was with this girl thinks that's too harsh and additionally it would likely fracture my friendship with mutual friends.

So let me hear it from you guys, tell me straight.

 

[Dan08]

She just wants to know she can get you to spend time with her. It will give her an ego boost, and she will likely "apologize for how she did it" or some $hit like that.


The best thing to do is just say "sure" and nothing else. Don't go into details. Don't try to set anything up. If she tries to set something up, you are busy whatever day she suggests. DO. NOT. MEET. WITH. HER.

Just forget about her, it will drive her far crazier than anything else.

If only I could mate, she's part of my group of friends unfortunately and I'm worried if I blow her off like you suggest and what I feel is right that it'll cause a rift between everyone which I don't want, and part of me wants to hear what she has to say.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

If only I could mate, she's part of my group of friends unfortunately and I'm worried if I blow her off like you suggest and what I feel is right that it'll cause a rift between everyone which I don't want, and part of me wants to hear what she has to say.

Is she aggressive?

Women in general are very passive. When you throw the ball in her court, she will probably just hold on to it forever and be unable to make a move. Her fragile ego can't handle her making the first move and doing the chasing. You won't have to put up with her for long.

Go with Danger's advice.

 

[Dan08]

Is she aggressive?

Women in general are very passive. When you throw the ball in her court, she will probably just hold on to it forever and be unable to make a move. Her fragile ego can't handle her making the first move and doing the chasing. You won't have to put up with her for long.

Go with Danger's advice.

Nah not really, your wording is slightly confusing for me tho mate can you elaborate slightly for me?

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Nah not really, your wording is slightly confusing for me tho mate can you elaborate slightly for me?

If you want to keep things civil and brush her off at the same time, play along with her game, but be VERY noncommittal.

For example, she says she wants to meet up soon, you say:

"cool"
"sounds good"
"let me know"
etc, etc, etc

You never reply with specifics. Leave everything up to her. Make her do all the work. She will either get the subtle hint and back off or be too passive to take charge and make plans and set everything up.

Either way, you win.

If she acts aggressive and is not deterred by your aloof responses, then start making up excuses. Since she is in a mutual group of friends, make sure that the excuse you make will check out.

Again, girls have VERY fragile egos. They can't take 1/10th the rejection the average guy takes. She will back off VERY quickly and you won't have to deal with this problem for too long.

 

[JoeMarron]

Your friends should understand you not wanting to hang out with your ex. If your mutual friends are gonna cause you to talk with her and backslide into AFC behavior then maybe you need to find new friends. They aren't worth you losing your sanity over.

 

[Lord Hypnos]

it sounds like you got your **** together after the breakup, so i don't see anything wrong with meeting up with her. by cutting her off it would just add unnecessary drama to the group. she probably wants to be fb anyways.. you can also rub it in her face by telling her about all the chicks you've banged since

 

[VladPatton]

What happened or happens between you and your ex has nothing to do with your circle of friends. What is she gonna do, bash you in front of them so she can win them over? If they bite at that, then you really DO need to get new friends. Ones that are not easily manipulated by a scorned girl.

So, as for the original problem. I wouldn't meet up with her. I agree with the top posters that you should agree to meet and never follow it. Remember, exes are exes for a reason. You current single status should not erase the bad experiences and heartache she put you through. No need for animosity towards her, just keep away for your own sanity.

 

[Dan08]

Thanks guys ill be non-committal, I'm fully expecting her to be aggresive in this area tho, we'll see.

My response will be:

Yea got home fine thanks, and just gimme a shout sometime ill see what I can do.

 

[Dan08]

Too obvious. Be short and succinct. She will see right through this and know what you are doing. Just say "sure", or "ok". Why would you make it so obvious you won't hang out with her?




Additionally......

You have a twofold problem here.

• Through some perversion of honor, you feel it is "right" to listen to her.
• You WANT to hang out with her.

For the first item, there is nothing "right" about listening to her. By what sense of honor or anything do you feel you have some obligation to her? Because you used to have sex??? She dumped you. All obligations disappear, she is just another person now.


For the second item, you have to realize she is only interested in feeling better about herself. NOT in getting back with you. I cannot tell you how many times this situation has happened on these boards. Over and over and over again. It will be NO different this time.

My actual response I went for in the end was 'Yeah working throught the summer and most days but just drop us a line'

Still obvious I know but I want her to get the hint and bugger of.

And thanks, I should be thinking of me here. Like you said it's only for her to feel better and see she can still grab me like

 

[Dan08]

She will get the hint when you are "too buy". Let me put this another way. Don't use words to be too busy, use action.

Rollo has a phrase on here termed "the medium is the message". She will know you want her to bugger off because you will be too busy to hang out with her, not because of anything you say.

In fact, you DO NOT want to be direct in saying this, as it will give her ammunition to start attacking your character and sabotage your group of friends. You want to be indirect with her by being too busy, so you have plausible deniability and she can't rule out that maybe you are too busy.

Aye, my running excuse will be work as I'm doing 2 jobs right now might end up with a third so really will have no time for her. Fantastic.

Failing that I can go to the gym and she has no means of getting to me as she doesn't drive so what she really means when she says let's hang out is 'can you drive all the way over to me because I'm bored and want an ego trip and then I can send you home at the end of the day'

No thanks love.