I need some advice...tricky situation with a hot-cold girl

[jts3443]

Hey guys, I need to give a little background, but will keep this as short as possible, all advice is greatly appreciated. I recently broke up with a girl and at the tail end of that break up started talking to another girl, as friends. She's a bartender at a nice restaurant next door so I began to know her from being a regular there. We hung out there a few times, stayed there late, drank and laughed; slowly we got to know each other, than hung out casually a few times outside work. I didn't think there was anything there but than I slowly started to see signs. She started texting me often, and we hung outa few times when shed be leaving work and what not. One day one of the other bartenders asked me why I hadn't kissed her yet, and was going on about how much she likes me.

A few days later, I took her out one on one downtown. We hung out at the bars, wound up seeing some friends, drank, laughed and went back to my house after because she was a little too drunk to drive. We wound up kissing and she seemed really into it. Being a gentleman I wasn't going to try to take advantage of a drunk girl, we kissed a little than she fell asleep on me. The next day one of the bartenders told me she remembered kissing me but didn't remember that much or exactly what it felt like and was a bit upset for letting herself get that drunk, but that clearly didn't bother her much because she kept it contact daily.

After that night she texted me everyday and than one night she texted me to come visit her while she was working. A few of her friends were there, and one got a little too drunk, so I offered her friend to sleep over since she couldn't drive.

We went to my house, her friend passed out and I made a move on her, we kissed for bit, than I teased her and moved down her pants. She let me, but than became a bit hesitant, and said something along the lines of "slow down a little bit, not in the future, just now, I had two beers, and my friends sleeping next to me" She than went on to state that she wasn't drunk, but just didn't feel "very ladylike" I smiled and said I wouldn't push her to do anything and no worries. We went back to just kissing and about half an hour things naturally just got heated up again and shes down my pants and her pants are off, a lot of foreplay (we didn't have sex). She said things like "this is bad", and this isn't very "lady like" but than at one point made a joke about me grabbing her ass, so she may have felt a bit "dirty" but was definitely enjoying herself and allowed it to continue for a good period of time. The next morning she left and I kissed her. I didn't hear from her for three days, which is odd.

I got the sense something was wrong, but wanted to play it cool, so I went in to her work and had a beer like usual, we flirted, smiled and all seemed normal (although she did tell a story involving her and her ex boyfriend, but it was relevant to our discussion, and after a table gave her a good tip, joked how maybe the guy would be her new boyfriend. She said she was kidding immediately after and I just smiled and played it off)

We had a beer after, and hung out outside for a few minutes and smoked. As she was leaving I walked up to her and kissed her, she went with it for a few seconds, seemed into it, than seemed just the slightest bit resistant. She let out a kind of Chuckle/deep breath, and I teased her and stayed within an inch of her lips for a few seconds, she hung there, than I grabbed her hips, pulled her in aggressively and kissed her again, she did it for a few seconds, than started to pull of and was just like "Ive got to go". (She had an interview the next morning but I'm not sure that's relevant) I just smiled and said, "alright have a good night, text me" (should of not said the text me). That was the other night, but she still didn't initiate any contact with me. So since we got 'sexually intimate" five days ago, she hasn't contacted me, and was hesitant when I kissed her.

My first thought is that shes scared, and got scared from that night, but she may also have just lost interest. Like I said everything was normal when I saw her last night, all except for the kiss, which she eventually pulled herself away from. And she kept in contact after the first time we made out, but went totally cold after the second night. She seemed receptive and flirty when I saw her but than pulled herself away from the kiss.

So why did this girl go from being so hot, us hanging out and talking all the time, to cold, not initiating contact and making her self leave during a kiss? Did I get sexual too soon? Or move too fast? Is she just confused/scared or Did she lose interest? I feel as if I played everything really cool, fun and light. I really cant seem to figure out what happened here, or am I overthinking it all? I feel my best plan is to just back off from her for a week and than re initiate, but than there's the chance she just thinks I'm a player because I got sexual our second time being intimate, and she wants to know I'm interested in more. But she doesn't seem like the type to jump into a relationship or be clingy so I don't know. Maybe there's something else I'm not seeing. Thanks guys!

P.S. I saw her yesterday because there was an accident out front. I talked to her and some other bartenders for a few minutes, than wished them a goodnight, she returned it and I walked away.

 

[dustmuffin]

You didnt get sexual soon enough....Dont be a gentleman....Take action!

 

[jts3443]

With all due respect I really don't think that's it. She straight up told me she wasn't comfortable having sex that night. And shes not the sleep around type. I still escalated and did some heavy foreplay in her comfort zone. But I'm still interested in why you think that? If anything to me it seems getting sexual too soon was the problem so I'm interested in your opposite position. And if that's the case is there anything I can do to reignite this. Like I said she works across the street so visiting her anytime isn't an issue or out of the ordinary and desperate. Just not sure if I should totally back off and next her or stick with it for a bit. IMO shes relationship material so I wouldn't mind keeping her around for a while

 

[marmel75]

With all due respect I really don't think that's it. She straight up told me she wasn't comfortable having sex that night. And shes not the sleep around type. I still escalated and did some heavy foreplay in her comfort zone. But I'm still interested in why you think that? If anything to me it seems getting sexual too soon was the problem so I'm interested in your opposite position. And if that's the case is there anything I can do to reignite this. Like I said she works across the street so visiting her anytime isn't an issue or out of the ordinary and desperate. Just not sure if I should totally back off and next her or stick with it for a bit. IMO shes relationship material so I wouldn't mind keeping her around for a while

Here is the thing. If you aren't prepared to go the distance, I've found that sometimes its better to not go anywhere. IE, once you both have clothes off, a woman is expecting you to be able to deliver the goods. If for whatever reason you don't, they blame you for that. Sometimes you get another chance, and sometimes you don't. It's obvious she wanted you to bang her that night and when you didn't she felt like you "weren't man enough" to do the job or that she felt you weren't confident enough in yourself to go for it over her token resistance. Combine that with her friend having to tell you to kiss her and its possible she felt you were too inexperienced with woman and didn't know how to get to where she wanted you to go, so she lost interest in you.

You likely blew your chance, but if you want to try again leave her alone for a few weeks then reinitiate contact like nothing ever happened.

 

[jts3443]

Wow, this is all great stuff, all week Ive been hearing, "she wants to know youre into her for more than just sex", or "shes scared and is backing off to see if you will chase her and are really into her" from people. And from having a good amount of experience with women, I just felt that wasn't the case. So the thing is, I hadn't taken it as a "token" resistance. We had kind of moved slow and I played a bit aloof before that experience and that worked out, so when it came to that night, she looked at me and said "you need to slow down a bit, not for the future just for tonight." "she had a few beers" "Her friend was sleeping next to us" and little comments. And we were on a queen bed so I thought it wouldn't be very privy in her mind if our first time having sex was awkwardly next to her drunk friend who was passed out less than a foot away on a small bed, after she told me to slow down. You're telling me even after all that, and being practically back to back with her friend I still should of gone for the kill? I just thought that would be too pushy and desperate for sex. But on the flip side her hand was down my pants . This is all great info and I really appreciate it, I'm not trying to argue your point, just really truly understand it so I can prove upon it next time.

 

[marmel75]

That's when you take her to the bathroom, the kitchen or somewhere else. I wouldn't have gone for it there, I would have been like "Let's get out of this room so she can sleep", take her hand and then once you are far enough away, stop, look at her in the eyes with the "I'm about to fvck the sh!t out of you" look, grab both hands, lift them over her head, and pin her to the wall hard. She would have been so turned on by that display of dominance she might have ripped your clothes off.

 

[jts3443]

Ah, I see wise master. At one point I tried to take to her to the couch, but it was a bit of a meek attempt, she may have not taken it seriously enough. Thank you so much for the info, its great to hear. I guess I just thought playing it cool, and not pushing would end up with us ****ing the next night, since she was still interested after we didn't **** the first night, but youre right, at that point the pants had already come off, which is what changed it. In other news I have a 7 coming over tonight which should take my mind off it. But tell me if I'm wrong in feeling like I still have a chance again with this girl. She was still really receptive and flirty when I went to visit her a few times later, and wasn't totally rejecting in the kiss, more just confused. I feel that backing off cold for a week or so may just make her wonder where the **** I am, since we had been talking for a few weeks and had developed a good amount of rapport.
And if I get that next time ill make sure to take whats mine, excelsior! What do you think?

 

[marmel75]

Yeah, wait about 2 weeks then proceed like nothing ever happened and give no explanation for where you have been, etc. A simple, just been really busy will suffice if she asks...

Post a FR on tonight's date. Don't be afraid to go for what you want.

 

[jts3443]

Right right, its just still blowing my mind that the problem could be the opposite of what I thought, that I wasn't sexual enough (even though I was very dominant during foreplay) but it makes sense. Being a total gentle man and good guy, while also being funny and light, but not a pushover worked for so long, I thought it would keep working...rookie move. But the good news about me taking it slow and getting to know her in the beginning is that I got to build rapport over a few weeks. We had a lot of laughs and fun nights together before it got intimate. The last time I kissed her, when she kind of pulled away, earlier that night she told me she had heard a song on the radio the day before and it made her think of me and laugh. She was also asking a lot about my future. So I think there is a chance, like I said she wasn't totally resistant. If I disappear for a while I feel as if shell miss that rapport and me coming to visit, at least hopefully. Thank you for the help, Ill give you a heads up on what happens with tonight.

 

[jts3443]

Oh ****, she just text me....

 

[LimeSlush]

"shes scared and is backing off to see if you will chase her and are really into her"

I hate this stuff. I assume this is from her friend? It just reminds me of a bunch of girls sitting beside each other going ok text him this now, let's see what he says. Just feels like they're making you jump through hoops

 

[jts3443]

Just feels like they're making you jump through hoops

Right bro, but nah it wasn't one of her friends. I'm a bartender so these were just friends and girls I had talked to at work about the situation; Almost "sister type" girls. Clearly I didn't listen to them for a second and I rarely take girl advice from other girls, except my aunt because she keeps it real. And definitely agree with the jumping through hoops, its entertainment for them sometimes, like a cat with a toy on a string. Like I said this girl that I originally wrote about texted me tonight a basic "what are you up to" ping. So she's obviously looking for some type of hoop for me to jump through since this is the first time in close to a week shes initiated contact. Just gonna continue to back off and keep it cool and let her come to me my brotha, all I can do at this point, no sense in getting upset about it.

 

[LimeSlush]

Right bro, but nah it wasn't one of her friends. I'm a bartender so these were just friends and girls I had talked to at work about the situation; Almost "sister type" girls. Clearly I didn't listen to them for a second and I rarely take girl advice from other girls, except my aunt because she keeps it real. And definitely agree with the jumping through hoops, its entertainment for them sometimes, like a cat with a toy on a string. Like I said this girl that I originally wrote about texted me tonight a basic "what are you up to" ping. So she's obviously looking for some type of hoop for me to jump through since this is the first time in close to a week shes initiated contact. Just gonna continue to back off and keep it cool and let her come to me my brotha, all I can do at this point, no sense in getting upset about it.

The reason I found this site was because I chased a girl that was the most frustrating process, she had a bf mind you but I didn't care and that was another mistake I made. I thought I did everything right, certainly by the things she said to me I was but not with what she did. I was so focused on landing this girl it was sad, I had bought concert tickets for Nazareth cause I knew she liked classic rock but she kept saying she probably wouldn't go etc and I still tried. Anyway I went to the concert with a buddy because I love them myself and ended up getting a girls number that I saw randomly at the concert. She's my gf now and we've been together almost 3 years. What I'm getting at here lol is that I thought that other girl was LTR material too, even though I looked past her being a single mother who stayed and kept going back to an abusive guy. Go out and just meet and talk to other girls, don't be hung up on what you think is this perfect match for you and you'll see either she comes around and she actually wants something or you see meh she wasn't actually that great here's some other girl that treats you like a king

 

[jts3443]

Go out and just meet and talk to other girls, don't be hung up on what you think is this perfect match for you and you'll see either she comes around and she actually wants something or you see meh she wasn't actually that great here's some other girl that treats you like a king

Yea man I definitely understand and usually have that mentality. I'm not one to (usually) get hung up or be bitter, things happen, nothing stays golden pony boy. I had just put a lot of work into this chick and hadn't gotten all the way to "home base", and the way she was acting was so obscure, and hot-cold, that I was perplexed. I'm still talking to other chicks, balancing act, but am hoping at some point she comes around and I get to seal the deal. Like I said she sent me a little "feeler/ping" text yesterday but it didn't lead anywhere. I think there was enough rapport to get her back around, but if not, oh well, lesson learned. But that's cool how you met your chick unsuspectingly at a concert, that's always a good feeling. When youre expecting nothing you can only be pleasantly surprised.

 

[jts3443]

Yeah, wait about 2 weeks then proceed like nothing ever happened and give no explanation for where you have been, etc. A simple, just been really busy will suffice if she asks...

Hey marmel75,
So a little update, two nights ago this girl text me and asked what I was up to (Saturday night), We small talked for a bit, she told me she was gonna go grab a drink with a family member, than we didn't talk much after that. The next night she "liked" a post on my facebook ( I know, how raunchy). So now my question is, with that bit of information should I still back off for two weeks? I haven't initiated contact in four days and the night where I was down her pants was a week ago. I was contemplating casually dropping by her bar tonight and just playing it cool and easy, but is that too soon? I just thought it may be a good idea since she showed a bit of interest by texting me/liking something, that she may be giving me signs to show a bit of interest in return. Or do you think I should stick the course of backing off totally for close to two weeks and wait for her to contact me again. I'm afraid if I sit around too long after she text me the other night, she may assume I lost interest. I know she didn't fully ask to see me, but texting me is still a sign of interest and that shes thinking about me and we had a good amount of rapport

 

[marmel75]

Hey marmel75,
So a little update, two nights ago this girl text me and asked what I was up to (Saturday night), We small talked for a bit, she told me she was gonna go grab a drink with a family member, than we didn't talk much after that. The next night she "liked" a post on my facebook ( I know, how raunchy). So now my question is, with that bit of information should I still back off for two weeks? I haven't initiated contact in four days and the night where I was down her pants was a week ago. I was contemplating casually dropping by her bar tonight and just playing it cool and easy, but is that too soon? I just thought it may be a good idea since she showed a bit of interest by texting me/liking something, that she may be giving me signs to show a bit of interest in return. Or do you think I should stick the course of backing off totally for close to two weeks and wait for her to contact me again. I'm afraid if I sit around too long after she text me the other night, she may assume I lost interest. I know she didn't fully ask to see me, but texting me is still a sign of interest and that shes thinking about me and we had a good amount of rapport

Or that she just simply wants attention. I'd still wait at least another 3 or 4 days, ideally at least a week. Do not appear out of nowhere where she works. That would look super lame, unless you are bringing a hot chick there(even if its just a friend, she will assume its more)---then watch how jealous she gets. She needs to know you have options right now, and going there by yourself isn't showing her that...

 

[jts3443]

Marmel!, so glad to be reading this now because its too late and I already went there by myself that night.....hehehe whoops. Long story short we chilled, I tried to kiss her at the end, pushed her against the car, and she turned me down telling me how "I just got out of a relation, so I should take some time after that" and "she felt bad intervening with my ex" and how she "it was just moving to fast" and how she still loved hanging out with me. I just told her that was fine I couldn't force her to do anything, said have a good night and walked away.....so long story short she friend zoned me. Not sure I can reverse that or that its worth the time too.... thanks for all the help though marmel