I think what he means is that you get to a point in the process of NC where you have detached enough to the point of indifference where it's no longer necessary. At that point you're not in communication because you're living your life and you don't want or need anything from her, not because you are using NC like a cast for a broken bone. You could run into her at the Starbucks or the grocery store or the neighborhood pub and it wouldn't affect you at all. Bottom line is NC is a tool, not a lifestyle.TonyBaloney said:
I made a massive mistake -re NC
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Boilermaker
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^Findog said:
That and some more, in my opinion. I will go as far as claiming that you can go back and try things with an EX, if circumstances allow it and you want it. I am not encouraging to try to mend it with a crazy b!tch, but some times things aren't as black and white as our analytically minded community renders them to be.
If you genuinely desire an EX, to the point that you are mulling over her and think about her constantly, you can go ahead and initiate contact, see her, spend time, try and bang her if possible (I reported this in a recent post) if you feel like it. This doesn't mean you should go and sign a lease with her just because she gave you a glimpse of affection. You have strict boundaries but you are at peace with your emotional self as well. This is the part that I am trying to hammer here, and I don't see it often in SS, although I am sure there are people who have expressed it in similar ways.
It doesn't mean you are less of a man because you broke one of your rules. Every single rule is to be broken once you achieve Mastery in a skill. Rules are like ladders, once you climb to the upper plane you really don't need them anymore. As a beginner in chess, you are told not to move with the same pieces in the opening to develop quickly, but if you check the theory on Modern Sicilian, Grandmasters sometimes play 6 times with the same knight within 10 moves in real games. They understand WHY the rule exists for a beginner; and that's precisely why they can violate the "rule" ... They don't need that "ladder" anymore. Similarly, I feel that I don't need the absolute NC-rule anymore because I understand why NC exists on a deeper level; although I reckon there was a time that I absolutely needed the rule and I used it to my advantage, to build confidence and to get rougher in the game. But these days, I know that I can go NC cold turkey if need be, without any difficulty whatsoever. I also understand that I don't need to go NC immediately when it's not called for due to strong circumstantial issues that are completely out of my control. (BPD?)(Marry or Leave me?) and so on...
This understanding has nothing to do with what OP is saying, but I don't think recontacting can ever be a MASSIVE mistake if the person in question is MASSIVELY clueless about game. If you know your boundaries and have some common sense, you can't shoot yourself in the foot by making a phone call. Or going out on a date. If it was a bad idea, fvck it, you can go NC - any day anyway. I think this being an American forum, I must conclude with an acroynm:
YMMV
Cheers,
The bottom line is that if you are an AFC and behaving like a crack addict you have to keep up NC until it would no longer affect you if you made contact.
Each case is different depending on the person and length of the relationship.
The trouble is someone on SS wrote this ....... I think it applies more to those psychos but you get the drift... the bit that stuck for me and covers all women in general is in bold...
"I didn't fall in love for the first time until I was 30. She lied, cheated, abused, and betrayed me, so I couldn't be with her.
I can't be with her, I know better than to give it yet another try. It's been years since I've seen her, and plenty of other women have come & gone, but I still think of her every day, and will probably do so until the day I die.
I've just accepted it as a burden that I have to live with, like an amputee, something is just missing.
These Women are incapable of love on such a scale. Women can get hurt, yes, but they don't love as deeply as men, and therefore heal.
and it has stuck in my mind for some reason ( probably because it sounds very much like me) so if it is true, and you still harbor desires then NC has to go on forever...
Each case is different depending on the person and length of the relationship.
The trouble is someone on SS wrote this ....... I think it applies more to those psychos but you get the drift... the bit that stuck for me and covers all women in general is in bold...
"I didn't fall in love for the first time until I was 30. She lied, cheated, abused, and betrayed me, so I couldn't be with her.
I can't be with her, I know better than to give it yet another try. It's been years since I've seen her, and plenty of other women have come & gone, but I still think of her every day, and will probably do so until the day I die.
I've just accepted it as a burden that I have to live with, like an amputee, something is just missing.
These Women are incapable of love on such a scale. Women can get hurt, yes, but they don't love as deeply as men, and therefore heal.
and it has stuck in my mind for some reason ( probably because it sounds very much like me) so if it is true, and you still harbor desires then NC has to go on forever...
If we're talking about Cluster B women, then yes, you need to stick to NC for your own sanity and emotional health. Other women, I think you get to a point with enough time that you can handle contact with them.
My ex-ex, that was sad and upsetting when we broke up, but I have no more romantic feelings for her now. She lives three states away too so that helps. But if she still lived here and invited me to her wedding, I would go and be genuinely happy for her.
My ex-ex, that was sad and upsetting when we broke up, but I have no more romantic feelings for her now. She lives three states away too so that helps. But if she still lived here and invited me to her wedding, I would go and be genuinely happy for her.
Buddha_Mind
Master Don Juan
Don't beat yourself up man--we all falter...perfection ain't of this world...if anything you should feel re-assured there's nothing there with her anyway...if you WANTED something more with her, well now you have the option to be in control of the new frame..but sounds like maybe you're better off not having her in your life?
Buddha_Mind
Master Don Juan
I am sure there are women who have been in the same shoes--unfortunately this is a place where MEN come to vent so we only get that side of the human mind, but there are no doubt women who love some pretty VILE dudes.PeakIV said:
I have felt the same thing before--that I have loved a woman far more deeply than any woman has ever seemed to love me. Maybe I am still young. Maybe the next 10-15-20 years will show me some new sides of things. When I was 17 years old there's no way I could know all of the types of people I'd end up meeting into the future..definitely know there are women and personalities that may blow me away that I have yet to even meet...
Hang in there man...when you care about another woman strongly this one won't seem so important anymore. She wasn't bringing out the 'best' in you--so what are you missing so much anyways?
Buddha_Mind said:
The drug.....
the answer is that you become an addict and you have to go cold turkey, because make no mistake it is a drug, because the person produces the same feelings. massive highs and massive lows. endorphins dopamine etc...
As soon as you understand this you can deal with it.
This is pedestaling. Regardless of whether you view her as a goddess or a demon, if you think a chick is some supernatural force of nature, you're giving her too much credit. Women are people, and they feel pain just like we do, regardless of what they may want you to believe.PeakIV said:
sorry, uberguy, I was not pedestaling, I was specifically talking about cluster B women, not women in general, and yes I am angry because the playing field with these people is not level..
They have an extra tool - Dissociation
women in general might hurt but the cluster B's have a way of dissosotiating . They have a way of forgetting and moveing on that protects them from getting hurt as they never love deeply to begin with, it's all fake,
or so I have been led to believe.
I would love to be able to do this, move on without a second thought...
They have an extra tool - Dissociation
women in general might hurt but the cluster B's have a way of dissosotiating . They have a way of forgetting and moveing on that protects them from getting hurt as they never love deeply to begin with, it's all fake,
or so I have been led to believe.
I would love to be able to do this, move on without a second thought...
Uberguy said:
sorry, uberguy, I was not pedestaling, I was specifically talking about cluster B women, not women in general, and yes I am angry because the playing field with these people is not level..
They might not be supernatural but they have an extra tool - Dissociation
women in general might hurt but the cluster B's have a way of dissosotiating . They have a way of forgetting and moveing on that protects them from getting hurt as they never love deeply to begin with, it's all fake,
or so I have been led to believe.
I would love to be able to do this, move on without a second thought...
SoSuave666
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Why? Emotions make you a human being. I feel sorry for people who don't go through emotional breakups or feign feelings. There is no growth, no education, no potential.PeakIV said:
NC is a means for protection. There is no amount of NC that will get you over someone else. Imagine you just broke up with your gf. You go NC, so you move to a deserted island. Over time, your feelings will subside, but you're not really 'cured,' because if given the opportunity to talk to you ex, you'd succumb. NC will dillute pain, not rid yourself of it.
If you really want to get over your girl, find a new one. It's easier said than done, especially in this day, but it's the truth. Anyone can have a Hurculean size strength of resolve over the internet. Guarantee most of the guys on this site are here over not women in general, but just one girl. The one that even though they went through NC with, they would still jump back to them in a minute. Most won't admit it either. NC works as protection, not as a means to forget.
Lastly, coming from someone who has been in a BPD relationship, you gotta realize that nothing you can do is going to change the woman's behavior. BPDs are a very special case and very rare breed. NC is essential as any further communication will damage you like no other woman ever could. Where most women find SOME semblence of remorse, a BPD does not care about you, their parents, siblings, or anyone else other than themselves. They will use you for attention and then walk away from you without hesitation. Do not put yourself through that turmoil. Go through a grieving process over them, find someone new, be happy with them, and eventually you'll see them for what they really are: psychos.
Just because they lie, cheat, steal, etc. does not mean they don't feel pain. Cluster Bs are ESPECIALLY in agony. They don't feel remorse, and they don't feel bad for what they've done to you, but they feel insane amounts of emotional suffering. That's why they're so terrible. They are like psychic vampires, in that they need to feed off of other peoples admiration, lust, respect, success, and so on. Without that, they are nothing.PeakIV said:
Never envy a Cluster B. Someday, you will get over her. But she will never get over being crazy.
SoSuave666
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BPDs are not to be trifled with. I went NC with mine several times, and she always came back...for her own gratification. It was never genuine, never real. Feigned affection on her part simply to reel me back in. The last time she came back to me, months ago, I was so far detached that I had honestly pretty much forgotten about her. I was never going back to the way I had been, and actually turned her into a FB of sorts. Since, I have met other people and just genuinely lost interest in her.
I am a firm believer that NC can only work--between two sane people that is--if the dumpER comes back to the dumpEE. If you go NC, then go and try and win her back, you're no stronger than you were when she dumped you. You also haven't found another girl yet, which as I stated before, is really the only way to get over your last broad. NC should never be about the other person, it should always be about you. In this case, I'm not so sure you really failed. If you're over her, at least. She opened up the door, you took a step in. If you don't like what you see, you can easily get out.
That being said, she is BPD so it's imperative that you tread with caution. I would of course advise you not to get back into it, and I think that's the path you're heading down, but if you do put two feet through the door just be wary that she is BPD and has you there for her own gratification...most likely.
I am a firm believer that NC can only work--between two sane people that is--if the dumpER comes back to the dumpEE. If you go NC, then go and try and win her back, you're no stronger than you were when she dumped you. You also haven't found another girl yet, which as I stated before, is really the only way to get over your last broad. NC should never be about the other person, it should always be about you. In this case, I'm not so sure you really failed. If you're over her, at least. She opened up the door, you took a step in. If you don't like what you see, you can easily get out.
That being said, she is BPD so it's imperative that you tread with caution. I would of course advise you not to get back into it, and I think that's the path you're heading down, but if you do put two feet through the door just be wary that she is BPD and has you there for her own gratification...most likely.
Yes, I did open that door and I know to put 2 feet through it would be a big mistake.
The one thing to remember with these women is when they get back in contact it's never about you it's because they want or need something...
The one thing to remember with these women is when they get back in contact it's never about you it's because they want or need something...
El_matador
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hey Man. Stay Up and don't let those feelings that she obviously shook up inside you make you Regress. Keep improving and moving forward.
You're NOT weak just because of that. It's a process that I'm working at too.
You're NOT weak just because of that. It's a process that I'm working at too.