I just cheated on my LTR - Now lost and need advice

[Paul_FR]

Hi there everybody.

So here I am. I have become a lame cheater - something that I promised myself that I'd never become. That goes to prove how unpredictable your path of destiny is laid out.

I have been in an LTR for 10 years, since I was 15. She was my first and only but as the years went by I felt that routine was catching up with my feelings. Anyhow, We ended up having a beautiful daughter who is now 3+ but I had come to realize quite a few months back (perhaps even a year) that I came to a point where I just had no more feelings for this woman, the mother of my child.

We never married even after all those years because I secretly just didn't want to and I just kept avoiding the question as I didn't have the guts to tell her.

However, I just stayed. Never matter how sad and badly treated (Yes, I was kind of a house slave) I was, I just thought that I just had to heads up and go along with it.

Now, eventually, what had to happen, happened. Without actually trying to find happiness elsewhere (OLD or such), a new sprinkle happiness found me instead.

The (unbelievable) story here : http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/insane-story-with-unknown-ending.237721/

So, I am now really stuck in between 2 big issues.
Recent update, is once I returned from the US, I found out that my LTR was pregnant again...but when She told me, I just couldn't raise a smile....

I have now been literally acting as if I was in depression since I've come back home. A big mixture of emotions all together : sadness, uncertainty, guilt... but I just can't get to either tell the truth to my LTR or even tell my LDR which whom We were hoping to make things work, that my current partner is pregnant again.

I am not asking for any compassion because I know damn well what I did and the mess I'm in. Cheating is such a horrible thing to do, especially to the mother of my child. But the absence of love towards her and my desire for change made me have the urge to find love and care elsewhere.

But the person I'm now in love with will not wait for me forever. And if I left France to go to the US to change my whole life, I'd be leaving my daughter behind. And also a 2nd child which, even if I don't currently yet admit that he/she will be there, I'd want to be his/her father too because that would be my responsability.

What should I do? The reasonable but hardest solution would be to tell the whole truth to everybody, make them all hurt and end up alone, lose the person and child(ren)I love to bits and paying child care for the next 20 years.

I put myself into this mess but I can't get out of it alone. I need advice from you guys.

Thanks

 

[Chev.Chelios]

That really sucks man, been there done that.
Dont beat yourself up, Men like to **** girls, plain and simple.
Woman lock down the provider male into submission for a reason.
Because well, look at you.. theres alot of really weird **** i can babble on about
but i think i alot of your questions will be answered just by reading rational male.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

You have children. Whatever you decide to do, you should do the best thing for them. Be a responsible father. In the long run, this will lead to the most happiness.

 

[Von]

Ain't gonna tell you what to do... but unhappiness... leads to misery... and kids shouldn't be an excuse to salvage a sinking ship.

Now... the sooner you face the music and deal with it.... the better it will be for you and everyone.... the more you delay... the worst and more destructive it will be

 

[Paul_FR]

I thank you guys for your thoughts. I understand that us men just like to **** girls and such but I also think that there was another way to do it. Such as leaving my LTR sooner...

Now, what I'm stuck with is this big secret, which I can't find the strength to tell her because She is now expecting my 2nd child...

As much as She deserves the truth as to what happened, I just don't to which extent that could hurt her...

If She wasn't expecting, it would be a completely different frame but now I feel tied forever in this relationship because for some reason let's say nature worked well at the wrong time. And She just had to tell me like 2 days after I had put my pe*** into another girl's p**** because I don't love her anymore....

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I thank you guys for your thoughts. I understand that us men just like to **** girls and such but I also think that there was another way to do it. Such as leaving my LTR sooner...

Now, what I'm stuck with is this big secret, which I can't find the strength to tell her because She is now expecting my 2nd child...

As much as She deserves the truth as to what happened, I just don't to which extent that could hurt her...

If She wasn't expecting, it would be a completely different frame but now I feel tied forever in this relationship because for some reason let's say nature worked well at the wrong time. And She just had to tell me like 2 days after I had put my pe*** into another girl's p**** because I don't love her anymore....

Hey bro. Sometimes "feelings" fail. It doesn't mean anything, it's part of long term relationships. "Feelings" CAN be restored. Read this story for an example how "feelings" became restored by a husband investing into his relationship: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Love-Nice-Thought-Provoking-Stories/2182828

 

[Desdinova]

First, let's take a quck stroll back through that other thread...

This is not going to end well for you, her, her partner, your partner and your child.
Can you really see anything good coming from this?

Why in the h ell would you want to waste your time on a woman half way around the world?

take your A$$ back home and cut the side piece. You will have a temporary sting in letting the "new" one go, but it will feel much better long term than throwing away your babe and the baby.

I generally don't advise men not to cheat because 5hit can get really complicated, and some can have a rewarding life with two women. It's only after they cheat that I can tell what their true colors are.

The reasonable but hardest solution would be to tell the whole truth to everybody, make them all hurt and end up alone,

I would advice you to NOT tell your GF that you fvcked another woman. Instead, I would advise you to just end your relationship with her. The last thing you want is for a fvcking pregnant woman to be ending a relationship with you because you told her you fvcked someone else. Keeping that part to yourself will prevent her from hating your guts and plotting revenge against you when the both of you are working out custody arrangements for your kids.

KEEP YOUR KIDS IN YOUR LIFE. Don't screw them over because you did some dumb things. We all do dumb 5hit, but we shouldn't make others pay for it.

 

[Paul_FR]

First, let's take a quck stroll back through that other thread...





I generally don't advise men not to cheat because 5hit can get really complicated, and some can have a rewarding life with two women. It's only after they cheat that I can tell what their true colors are.



I would advice you to NOT tell your GF that you fvcked another woman. Instead, I would advise you to just end your relationship with her. The last thing you want is for a fvcking pregnant woman to be ending a relationship with you because you told her you fvcked someone else. Keeping that part to yourself will prevent her from hating your guts and plotting revenge against you when the both of you are working out custody arrangements for your kids.

KEEP YOUR KIDS IN YOUR LIFE. Don't screw them over because you did some dumb things. We all do dumb 5hit, but we shouldn't make others pay for it.

So I have a few different opinions here. Some saying that I shouldn't try and reach out for a life that seems impossible (moving to the US), and your post above which I seems of course more appealing and reasonable if I was just thinking of myself. Which is what I plan on doing. But as you say, kids come into the frame and I must add them into the equation in order to get the right result.

Latest update is that the US girl is now putting a bit of pressure on me for a solution, an outcome...which I can understand because as much as She's into me, I can't let her put her life on pause forever, waiting for me to make up my mind.

What I really appreciate is that She doesn't want or expect me to make a sacrifice and leave my kids behind here to change my life and live with her. She has brought up the possibility for us to live the LDR on a long run, seeing each other 4-5 times a year and such...people have done this, and do it well. I, however have a few doubts, as I can't see that working on a long term due to the emotions everytime We'd meet up and leave. But right now I'm really thinking with my d*** and just want to enjoy that wild experience over and over again. I mean as a person She's wonderful, loving and caring...and the sex is outstanding as She doesn't hold anything back and will do anything....So as it's so rare nowadays to find such a full package of positives, I don't want to miss the opportunity....

So I think that We will need to discuss this together and put all cards on the table. Be open and truthful about the whole situation....

 

[sazc]

you fvcked up.

Somewhere along the lines (maybe it was with the rise of feminism) we younger human beings were not taught that a relationship can have ups and downs, good and bad times, times of intense attraction, and times of intense repulsion - and it was up to us to decide to work thru the issues, or run. We were also not taught how to communicate properly. (This topic is dependent on our upbringing and is an entirely different discussable item)

@Paul_FR In your situation, I think you are working with a little Disney illusion. The dynamics in your current relationship arent matching up to what your disney mind thought they would be and you are buying into the idea that the grass is greener on the other side. The only reason the grass is greener is because you have no idea who that woman really is, so you are projecting a perfect match onto her. New relationships are unknown, and that unknown aspect means excitement, longing, hope.

My question to you is - have YOU identified which of your needs are not being met inside of your current relationship? That is step one. Step one has nothing to do with "she leaves her clothes on the floor, she eaves dishes in the sink" Step one has to do with 'how do you feel when she leaves clothes on the floor?' 'how do you feel when she leaves dishes in the sink' Typically partners feel disrespected inside of a relationship, but dont vocalize those feelings, and that leads to behavior that destroys the relationship.

Step 2 is that you must communicate to her how you are feeling about everything and ASK for what you need. Inside of a good relationship, this is an ONGOING dialogue and the two people do their best to give to each other.

My suggestion to you is to take a good, hard, deep look at yourself, and why you are unahppy, and then start talking to her about it. Get a counselor involved if you need to. Leqrn how to communicate. A great place to start, a great place for anyone wanting to review how to communicate WELL inside of a relationship, is with the IMAGO dialogue from Hendrix. he has a really great book about partnerships and why we are motivated to choose partners and behave the way we do (hint, your parents, your childhood)

Good luck and let us know how this all works out.

http://imagoworks.com/the-imago-dialogue/


https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love...d=1486733611&sr=8-1&keywords=harville+hendrix

 

[sazc]

So I have a few different opinions here. Some saying that I shouldn't try and reach out for a life that seems impossible (moving to the US), and your post above which I seems of course more appealing and reasonable if I was just thinking of myself. Which is what I plan on doing. But as you say, kids come into the frame and I must add them into the equation in order to get the right result.

Latest update is that the US girl is now putting a bit of pressure on me for a solution, an outcome...which I can understand because as much as She's into me, I can't let her put her life on pause forever, waiting for me to make up my mind.

What I really appreciate is that She doesn't want or expect me to make a sacrifice and leave my kids behind here to change my life and live with her. She has brought up the possibility for us to live the LDR on a long run, seeing each other 4-5 times a year and such...people have done this, and do it well. I, however have a few doubts, as I can't see that working on a long term due to the emotions everytime We'd meet up and leave. But right now I'm really thinking with my d*** and just want to enjoy that wild experience over and over again. I mean as a person She's wonderful, loving and caring...and the sex is outstanding as She doesn't hold anything back and will do anything....So as it's so rare nowadays to find such a full package of positives, I don't want to miss the opportunity....

So I think that We will need to discuss this together and put all cards on the table. Be open and truthful about the whole situation....

you are really deluding yourself. you are going to end up in exactly the same emotional situation as you are right now, if you dont deal with the demons that led you to make these choices.

 

[Milano]

The kids are number one for your happiness long term if you are like most fathers, some can distance themselves from them if they are so young that they basically dont speak yet but ofc that does not apply here.

What is the chance that you will stay with this new older woman? It is probably an exciting fantasy because your older relationship seems dead.

 

[Roober]

Don't leave another single mom messed up mom in the US for us to deal with... I don't have much tolerance for cheaters, but I will go ahead and give some advice

A couple things...
1. You can still do something about the new baby, adoption, or the other forbidden word... depending on how far along she is... just saying... I am sure there is a wonderful family that would love a new child!

3. DO NOT abandon your children for some woman and her fvcked up family... 41 with 3 kids and you are 25. Use your fvcking brain man! For the sake of everything, do NOT abandon your children!

3. Divorces/separations do NOT ruin children. Selfish human beings that abandon families do! Why are kids from divorces/splits so messed up? because of this exact situation you are about to create. Peaceful separations where both parents are still actively involved in the children's life are no less successful than children from the "nuclear" families.

4. Your new relationship WILL FAIL! Think whatever the fvck you want, live in your little dream land, but IT WILL FAIL!!!! Hopefully you are not soooo obtuse to realize this...


I won't ever tell someone whether or not they should stay in a relationship, that is completely up to them. But please, for the sake of the kids, do not abandon them...

 

[Desdinova]

Latest update is that the US girl is now putting a bit of pressure on me for a solution, an outcome...which I can understand because as much as She's into me, I can't let her put her life on pause forever, waiting for me to make up my mind.

There are lots of old single moms out there for you to fvck, and finding one locally shouldn't be difficult. The only reason you think this one is a 'special little flower' is because you're so damn inexperienced with the opposite sex. You've had all of two sexual partners in your life. I've lost count of mine, and I've turned a lot of women down. There are PLENTY of older single moms out there for you to fvck.

There are thousands of women out there and I'm sure there are hundreds to be had locally. One woman in a different country should not be the dealbreaker when it comes to your kids.

 

[Reykhel]

I could understand this situation if the guy was fvcking a local girl his age or younger.....

I mean, I kind of on one hand agree with those who say you should remain faithful in a ltr if you've agreed to exclusivity.....

That been said, you cannot deny that in certain cases a bit of side puzzy is actually good for the relationship. In some cultures, it's almost seen as
normal that the husband take on a side piece. In some countries such as FRANCE!!! Yes, true believe it or not......
by the way, did he state what nationality his wife is?

With regards to the op's "cheating". The cat has been married 10 years since a young age. He's been living in a bubble. He's been
a host.......

......and now he's fed up. He ain't happy in the relationship. Now he could attempt to make it work........(I'll have to be fair and offer options).....how could he make it work? Well love is a verb........and feelings are the fruit which grow from the verb....when and only when the fvcking verb is put into action. People forget that in fact, that it's an action verb.......

They stand in front of the fire with a log in one hand and shout "give me some heat and then I'll throw you the log"....in fact, I would say this is the attitude of so many entitled bytches out there. Give me some heat then I'll throw you a log. No, bytch....how about throwing the fvcking log in already...........these bytches "waiting for a spark". That's why women need to be mocked. You want a fvcking spark bytch.....

Anyway........second option..............you could be philosophical and say "well, I am faithful. faithful to my own happiness". And pursue local women while slowly disengaging from the relationship...........why shouldn't you do it like this? You can be sure that most women will have your replacement lined up before she gives you, your marching papers. Guaranteed.

The American woman is not an option. At least not for the sane man. It's the path of utter stupidity and psychological breakdown.

Oh and look after the kid and all that.

 

[Paul_FR]

I fully agree with you all that pursuing this american woman is currently a nightmare.

I put an end to my ltr a few months back now and We are sorting out the common separation agreements regarging the children and etc so it's going easier than I thought.

Now as you know, my plans are currently to move abroad and yes I'll admit that this american woman was the main reason why.
However, recently, She has all of sudden become so cold and distant for god knows what reason. We have a cruise booked in June and I'm planning to see her at Easter, once again I agree that I'm doing all the chasing.

Now, somehow, I'm not going to put up with her behaviour for long. We can be having a random discussion about anything and She'll all of sudden take badly something I said and talk to me like sh*t.

I'm thinking that She is now taking our relationship for granted and use to me spoiling her. I don't deserve it. I asked her outright by text after we end a call if something was going wrong in between us and She denied that there was an issue. So if there isnt an issue and that She's gonna act like this continiously, I'm not having it.

I've just got out of a bad Ltr and can't see myself being treated like that again. As I said if I knew why She was like it, I could perhaps understand, but there isnt any reason.
She is still willing to go on this cruise with me (which she paid for)...but I dunno...

Is she losing interest or flirting with some other guy more "reachable" for her??

I'm going to have an emotional breakdown soon.

Whatever happens, I'm moving abroad if She is in the picture or not btw.

 

[Desdinova]

However, recently, She has all of sudden become so cold and distant for god knows what reason.

It's because she's 41 with 3 kids. She's been riding the c0ck carousel for the last 23 years or so. You're just another penis to join the myriads of other penises she's had inside her. There's nothing special about you, at least not to her.

Is she losing interest or flirting with some other guy more "reachable" for her??

Probably both.

She is still willing to go on this cruise with me (which she paid for)...but I dunno...

That one is your choice. If you're having a lot of trouble dealing with this emotionally, I would dump out of the cruise. Don't worry about the extra ticket, the c0ck carousel will provide a replacement.

 

[samspade]

delete original post...didn't read OP's latest post.

OP - since you've been in a LTR since 15, why not drop women for now? Enjoy being unattached. Good for you for doing what you want regardless of this 41 year old. She served a purpose (catalyst for your awakening) but now it's time for her to step aside, methinks. Best of luck...