I Broke up with My Girlfriend

[BGC]

Today I broke up with my girlfriend. For people who might have seen earlier posts, I'd been with her for a year and she's significantly older than me and is looking to settle down, and I was thinking of staying with her longer.

And she also told me she had a secret about her past to tell me.

Well, I decided that I couldn't let her tell me the secret AND THEN break up with her.

Because then for the rest of her life she might think that I broke up with her because of the secret -- whatever it was she did in her past.

So yesterday I called her and told her that I'd realized I couldn't spend the rest of my life with her because she's my first girlfriend and I haven't sown my oats, and we met at her place and cried and talked and cried some more.

Then today I brought her stuff up to her and we cried and talked and cried some more. And then before I left, she told me her secret, and I'm so grateful she did. It was beautiful.

I have no bones about saying that I cried -- I love the woman and it's tearing me up inside.

I'd like to thank everyone who offered their thoughts to me this past year.

A lot of people really helped me out, whether they know it or not.

In particular, the old-school boys Peak and Poet and DJ de Florida and JP from Tally and the big guy also from Floriday (though I think he's gone).

And some of the newer guys (to me), Dealgleclaw and TakeNoDirt and SirChancealot. And others whose names don't occur to me right now.

This past year has been the best year of my life, and a little bit of that I owe to this board and the people who posted on it, and the operator of the board, Allen, for operating it. This board is a wonderful thing.

I'll offer a thought to guys who are looking to become DJs and are looking to have their first real relationship or are looking to have sex for the first time.

Sex is great -- it's worth doing everything you can to get it.

But a long-term loving relationship is ten times better.

But let me offer a warning: There is some possible pain involved. In fact, I think some pain is almost guaranteed (unless you die when you're still together), because you might very well lose the girl you love.

The pain is unbelievable.

Even though I prompted this break-up, the pain I feel right now is nearly beyond words to describe. But yet it's all worth it.

Second, I ask for some suggestions or advice from guys who have been through this before.

Do you have any tips on how to manage the pain and how to best "move on?"

I'm interested in any advice, except the advice to imagine your lost love in nasty situations to crease a disagreeable association -- I want to remember her in the way I love her.


--BGC


PS If you're curious, we are saying that we ended this "form of our relationship" and that we are "suspending" our general relationship -- we both have a desire to be in each other's lives in the future, when we are done grieving, either as friends or if I've sown my wild oats by then, as lovers.

I appreciate any thoughts. I don't have a huge support system and any thoughts you offer here in this forum will help me.


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"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

--George Bernard Shaw

[This message has been edited by BGC (edited 11-28-2001).]

 

[trickynick]

I went through a break-up not long ago myself. It's tough, isn't it? I would say just don't talk to her for a while even though you may want to, it gets confusing if you try to be there for her while you are breaking up. And also, don't miss a beat. have some of your single buddies cruise around with you to clubs or whatever you guys do to meet women. And of course you can always count on this board to help you get right back on top of things!


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Look out for number one and don't step in number two!

 

[Sociopath31]

Holy S. Love on the DJ website. I thought I'd never see the day.

So you found a real woman with her head on strait who you were able to share with and cry with. Much love goes out to you, my man. She was a hell of a catch. Maybe you'll get back with her after you've held your own for a while.

It's a male urge to want to get out before marriage if you aren't that experienced. Go out and enjoy life, and if she's cool with it, maybe you two will rejoin.

It's a one-in-a-million post around her. I salute you.

 

[CableLight]

I think one of the best ways to describe a situation like this (I've been through one, although I suppose not quite as long-a-term relationship as yours) comes from that Blink-182 song "Stay Together for the Kids," and goes somethin like this:

Its hard to wake up,
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted, its so pathetic
It makes no sense at all

I'm ripe with things to say,
the words rot and fall away,
my stupid poem, would fix this home
I'd read it everyday.

(After Chorus)

Their anger hurts my ears,
going strong for seven years.
Rather then fix the problems,
they never solved them, it makes no sense at all.

I see them everyday,
we get along so why cant they?
But if this is what he wants,
and what she wants,
then why's there so much pain?

(End of song quote)

Thinking of that sort of helped me put things into a perspective (I mean, its talkin about divorse rather than breakup, but still). The heart will hurt, but it wont feel that bad forever.

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CableLight
- Hey, I dunno what my name means either

"Always remember those you love. Even in death, no one is ever truely gone as long as they are remembered."

Life is the hardest teacher. For she gives the test first, and the lesson after.

 

[Wyldfire]

You did the right thing in letting her go. I read your original post about thinking about staying with her. It's also good to part on good terms. It is okay to be friends with her as long as you can both handle it emotionally. It may take not seeing each other for awhile.

I wouldn't rush right out and start dating people immediately, though...unless you can be very discreet, because seeing you with someone else really soon will tear her up inside. Lay kinda low for about at least a month. Meet people and all, but just don't do it in a way that's gonna hurt this girl. Give her some time to deal with the breakup. Especially if you want an opening in the future.

 

[Deagleclaw]

In my experience through my own past and others as well, I've found that it often takes 1 month of healing for every year of the relationship before you're ready to get back on the horse.

Time heals all wounds. Trust me. Love fades for those we leave. It lingers for those who leave us. It never leaves for those who pass away.

For right now, you might want to go for a few rebound chicks. They help.

Deagleclaw out.

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Your friendly neighbourhood Irishman,
Deagleclaw out

 

[BGC]

Originally posted by Deagleclaw:
It lingers for those who leave us. It never leaves for those who pass away.

For right now, you might want to go for a few rebound chicks. They help.

Deagleclaw out.

Deagleclaw,

Those are wise thoughts, to my mind, about how long love stays -- although she and I don't regard me as leaving her -- I told her a realization that I made, and we both acted on it in agreement.

Also, I've got a question about a rebound chick.

Do you mean I should consider finding one right now? Like today or this weekend? 'Cause right now that sounds really unappealing to me.

Or do you mean in a month, according to the law of a month of grieving for every year spent together?



[This message has been edited by BGC (edited 11-28-2001).]

 

[CHALENGE GUY]

I know how it feels... probably the most painful experience there is.

It's a very good thing you allow yourself to cry. As corny as it sounds, tears are like the rain : they wash the streets and clear the air. It's much easier to breathe afterwards ; the day seems new and full of new promises.

Do not harbor any anger... it makes us grow old.

I wish you peace of mind.

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Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.

- Roosevelt

Heretics shall perish. Please read the Bible. It is is a whole vast world of wisdom, beauty, and moral truth.

THE DJ BIBLE

 

[SC]

well i dont know about 1 month of grieving for every year of being together-it wasnt like that for me. It was more like 9 months of serious grief and im still counting over a year later. Ther is not a day thtat goes by that I do not think about my ex girlfriend. Most of the time though I think about just smackin the **** out of her though heheh although I would never do that nor have I ever because that is lame.

Im sorry about your pain my man. THere is nothing worse. I am having a hard time figuring out why your in pain though since you broke up with her.

One more thing bro dont let a good thing go. Sex is great sowing your oats is great but nothing compared to having what every sinngle man desires, a good woman he loves and is massively attracted to. SO many times you dont know what you lost till you lose it if ya know what i mean.

 

[DJ de Florida]

BGC,

I know that pain. It makes you sick. But it does go away. You never forget a woman you loved, but you do "get over" her.

No need to try to find someone else right away. Actually, you should try to do some things that you haven't did in a while that you did before you started spending a lot of time with her.

I am not sure about what you are talking about in the p.s. statement. It is tough to stay in contact with a woman once it is over.

Stick around. Any guy that can pull a number after a car accident has got game.

Cheers



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DJ de Florida
****
Just Do It!

1) Progress always involves risk: you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first.

2) Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.

3) You never really lose until you stop trying.

 

[Matador77]

Been through a break up recently also. We were together for 3 1/2 years. I agree, that it is the worst pain ever. Nothing makes sense, the days are long, the nights longer, and then everyday starts feeling a bit better, and eventually you get over her. I am still a bit hung up on my ex. I sometimes hope we could give it another chance but I know its not what I want. The time it takes to get over the person you love varies. IT has been 2 months with me so far, some people take longer, it depends on whether you lived together or not, how many arguments, etc. Also, you can never try to get over it, There is no magic potion or anything that will get you to the other side where you feel good, the trick is to move THROUGH it. Rebound relationships might be good, but not always. I went out with a girl about 2 weeks after my break up, it really took my mind of my ex, but she started acting like a biatch cause she had just broken up with her boyfriend as well and was simply using me for the same reason I was. But i am LTR type of guy, so I was falling for her. When she said we should be friends, guess what?? The pain of not having my ex came back stronger, and that is cause I hadnt done what I had to do in the first place. Love myself and get my own self esteem up to the point where nothing and nobody steps over me, and then you can start dating or banging other chicks. I think this is important. I am currently working on getting my self esteem up there and so far so good after my bittersweet experience. Never forget you are 1st, all you have is you wherever you go till the day you die, so feel good about yourself and be strong above anything else. Best of luck.

 

[maknmovs]

im sorry man, ive never been in a relationship that has lasted more than a yar, although the last one that i was in was really deep, and the girl broke up with me...

When it happened, i was so into her, i was such a AFC, i was such the "nice guy" that called her EVERY DAY, talked to her on the phone a min of TWO hours a day..i bought her expensive earrings after knowing her for two months because it was her b-day...i still get so mad today that i did half that stuff...i didnt know any better..i didnt really have this site in the beginning and now that i have it, things have changed.

When a girl breaks up with u that u really loved, there's no worse feeling...i feel like such a loser sometimes because i still think of her, and it really hurts..ive never had a girl that was into me around christmas time or new years (always off seasons) and i kinda always had this wish, which i did make again this year when i made my wish on last new years, that i was going to find a girl that i really loved and i would kiss her on new year's eve...well she dumped me and i have no one to blame for myself....my parents todl me not to be getting so serious about her, and i did anyway, my parents hated her and i blew off my whole family for her....i get so embarassed when i say this stuff because it is so pathetic..but im being honest...

It still hurts because when i go out to a bar and keep getting shut down by fuking bytches, it kills me inside because i really was so into her..i just want to go call her up and just talk.........

After a while, i realized that she wasnt coming back, and she was nothing but a piece of shyte who wasnt worth my time...i realized that women, although VERY nice to have aroudn to mess around with....didnt realyl make me VERY happy anymore...they really did give my ego a boost, but i realized that i neeed to fix a lot up that was wrong with me.......

I realized that i needed to get my body in shape....every time i get mad and want to just go rcy becaus it hurts when i miss her, i go out an run till my legs burn, when i get pissed, i go to the gym and work out till i cant anymore...in a matter of 1 1/2 months ive lost my stomach and really i look a lot better now, and this NEVER would have happened if i wasnt dumped by her..i would still have been settling for a crappy girl.......

i hoped that ive helped...it really hurts, and the best remedy for me was to just get a pillow and just cry and punch it all night, and that helped me to release a lot of anger and it helped me to set my goals up and really realized what was important in my life...u gotta remember that god's delays are not god's denials.....u cant give up....this girl was not the one for u, u have to take time off and let things heal....fix yourself and FUK everyone else....dont try to get another girl, u are just going to be comparing your ex to her.. get out and do things that u are afraid to do..go sky diving, go run a marathon..do shyyte that makes your heart race like nuts...and take a couple of months off, and when uare ready to get back into the game, u WILL be ready, u wont be going out, getting one rejection and go home feeling like shte...

Good luck my friend...........

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Life is lost in dreaming, and dreaming is lost in becoming (Motto on the Hard Rock Cafe in Cancun, Mexico)

Ive failed over, and over, and over again in my life, and that is why i succeed..-Michael Jordan

"Success requires no explanations; Failure permits no alibis"

Square playaz get played, pimps get paid, macks persuade

 

[Bungo Pony]

This is the only piece of advice I can give...

Before moving on and taking on a serious relationship again, take some time off from looking for girls. Takes a bit of time before you are mentally ready to move on.

However, like Deagleclaw said, rebound chicks do help. I find they help in keeping your self esteem up, and it actually helps in getting over the LTR.

Here I am 6 months after a 4 year relationship, and I'm doing pretty damn good.

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"Ballin’ all night, ballin’ all day
She won’t ball on me" - BOC

 

[BGC]

Thanks for offering your thoughts, guys. It hurts a lot, but I know there will be a time when it doesn't hurt any more.

Right now I can't even look at another girl without getting a sick feeling -- because every other girl is my not-ex-girlfriend.


And...

Originally posted by DJ de Florida:
BGC,

Stick around. Any guy that can pull a number after a car accident has got game.

Cheers

Thanks for your sound advice this last year, DJ de Florida. And I should say it gives me a good feeling to think that something I wrote here almost a year ago is remembered -- a real good feeling.

Cheers, everyone...

--BGC

 

[DoomOfWords666]

If I can survive a broken heart so can you bud. I was fooled but I was fooled bad. I was tricked by my beautiful ***** of an ex wife in to getting married. I still lover her and always will in a way because there are some girls you never forget even if it ended as badly as mine did.
She clamed to love me and told me a lot of lies and made a lot of promises to get me to agree to get married to her. I wont lie I was in love and even now I have mixed feelings of love and hate for her. We where happy for about six months and then she changed. I was working twelve hours a day for four days and then off for four as a correctional officer at the nearest T.D.C.J maximum security prison. All she would do is lay around the house and watch t.v. or hang out with her friends.
I finally told her that I was going to leave her if this did not change, because I was sick of doing everything working, cleaning the house, taking care of the bills and much more. She then proceeded to stop taking her birth control so that she got pregnant and I would stay.
This worked for a while but when my son was three and a half months old I confirmed some suspicions that I had for a long time. I quit the prisons because the job was getting to dangerous. I felt that even though I would make less money I need to be around for my son and not dead. I got a job for an industry running a shredder machine recycling tires. Shortly after I had started the state shut them down for E.P.A violations so I was out of work.
So with all this free time all I did was look for another job and take care of my son. My wife however did not stop her daily routine of going to she her quote unquote friends. I was suspicious of this because I never met any of these friends and she could never prove to me anything she was saying was true.
She got to the point were she would go out at night to see them, sneak off when I was sleeping and bring the home when I was out looking for a new job. So I followed her one night when she left and I had dropped my son off with my mother. I did not catch her in the act but I saw her car that I had bought coming back from a dirt road at he lake so I knew that she had to be with another man.
I followed her back to the town we live in and sat at a convince store across for the local grocery store where she had pulled in. I then witnessed another man get out of the driver side set of my car and get in to the only other car there at 3:45 a.m..
I went and picked up my son and went home while they stood there and talked and waited on her to get home. She of course lied to me about it when she got home and I played it cool. I went the next day to find a job or so I said I really went to file for divorce and used all our savings to do so.
I returned home that night and told her that we should take our son to my mothers and drop him off so we could spend some time together just her and i. We did and as soon as I got her home I was going to tell her but I did not know even although as angry as I was how hard it would be. she ended up giving me head before I told her and hell I think she owed me that much.
I was crushed my world had been ripped apart everything I knew was a lie and I felt like I had nowhere to turn. She was my best friend and my lover and she had done me worse than I had ever imagined she could. I was depressed for a long time because I had let her fool me from the beginning because after we separated she told me that everything had been a lie but she said she still loved me. I found this hard to believe however since she got pregnant by a 17 year old kid before the divorce was final and moved in to live with a 25 year old man to take care of her.
So now I am a 22 year old father of a two year old son and I live back at home with my parents. I have however not let this slow me down I have gone back to school and I have full custody of my son. I am doing everything I can to make a good life for my son and I have in the last year and a half since I left my ex have had more girlfriends than I did the 19 years prior to us meeting.
So I guess my point is that no matter how bad you have been done and no matter how sad your story may be someone else always has it worse. I am sure my story is not the worst there is and I know countless others have been hurt too. But the big thing is you will never forget your ex's if there was love there remember her how she was and thank God that you can I try all I can to remember the good times and how my wife was before everything went to hell.

 

[SoSuave.com]

To The Archive.

 

[Blusher]

I have gone back to school and I have full custody of my son.

 

[mexican_player2]

i had the same problem man i was in a ltr for a year and then she changed me for another man

this was the worst pain in my whole life but it finally went away

man you might want to come back together but when you dont have that pain anymore you will realize she is a piece of chit and dont want to see her no more

i thank my ex gf for dumping me because she made me a better man

now i work out , im improving with girls, im making more friends, im trying to be a better man, and if she didnt dump me i wouldnt have done none of this things

and now that im way better my ex stills the same piece of chit, she is even worse than before

so you know "without her even knowing , she did me a big favor"

and sometimes is better to not get what we want
trust me

i can help you a lot on how to bear the pain if you are interested pm and we can talk on msn messenger

 

[wayword]

And she also told me she had a secret about her past to tell me.

Well, I decided that I couldn't let her tell me the secret AND THEN break up with her.

Because then for the rest of her life she might think that I broke up with her because of the secret -- whatever it was she did in her past.

So yesterday I called her and told her that I'd realized I couldn't spend the rest of my life with her because she's my first girlfriend and I haven't sown my oats, and we met at her place and cried and talked and cried some more.

Then today I brought her stuff up to her and we cried and talked and cried some more. And then before I left, she told me her secret, and I'm so grateful she did.

Krist, THE BIG SECRET always SCARES THE SHYT OUTTA ME! Cuz, you KNOW it's gotta be BAD, like WAAYYY BAADDDD for it to be such a shameful secret. One that would obviously be relationship-altering for her to keep it from you.

I'm curious then, could you hint what it was? It sure seems like a lotta girls have huge secrets these days and shameful pasts. WTF is wrong with all these scandalous dumb ho's? :woo:

 

[Dannyrt34]

So I guess my point is that no matter how bad you have been done and no matter how sad your story may be someone else always has it worse..

That's depressing to think of how it could be worse. Just think, there are some guys out there who lost the loves of their lives due to car accidents or something unpredictable. Something like that would seem to be impossible to get over.

It's one thing to end a relationship due to somebody not wanting to be in it. It's a whole different story when a relationship ends while both people are still madly in love.