I broke up with my 1 year g/f and need help assessing the situation and getting over

[Bourne]

Age: 26
Past Relationships: one of 5 years, almost married. She dumped me for grass is greener on the other side
Current: 1.3 years, I ended. Question and Advice about the current ex relationship

I’ve been with this girl for over a year. She is 21. Its been rocky and tough for most of it. We did have a lot of fun and I did love her.

My g/f has been friendly with a guy she goes to school with. She says its just friends. I do believe her. So here is the deal.

On march 4th I went to UFC party at my friends house. She was invited but didn’t want to come because they smoke and smoke out over there. I don’t do that and I don’t blame her. So she made plans to hang out with this guy. Just him and her. Only 2 of them. They ended up hanging out together till 1:30 am.

I came back to see her and after that I expressed my view that I do not like when my g/f goes out on date like setting with another guy, who has known to have a crush on her and I would appreciate if she didn’t hang out in that setting where its just 1 on 1.

I did tell her to hangout with whoever you wish, just not on 1 on 1 date like setting with another guy. Group setting is fine or such. I wouldn’t do that to her in a relationship. I wouldn’t put myself in same position and I wanted same or similar consideration. Please understand, I did not tell her what to do. I only expressed my opinion.

We didn’t really reach any conclusion. I let it go. Rest of the week was very weird and seemed there was alot of space between us. We are usually very cuddly and all over each other.

Following Thursday, she calls me at 5pm and says they are going out to a Mexican restaurant. I text message her and say can I come. She says yeah, they can save me a seat. I just tested see if its ok for me to come. So now its romantic location, one on one and i didn't like it.

So basically she went on two dates with this guy in one week, not considering her boyfriends opinion and stood her ground to hang out with this guy. That basically I never told her NOT to hang out with.

Just don’t do it in one on one date like setting.

She says, its rudicilous to think it’s a date and she always done that in the past with guys she considered friends. But we all know that this guy wants to f___uck her. I went over there that nigh, March 10 and talked to her.

I said I wanted to talk to her about this again. She started to roll her eyes, and being like "are you kidding me? again?".

Basically I said, I am not telling her who to hangout with or not, but compromise should be reached where in a setting where its just him and her is not ok for me.

I don't mind her having male friends but hanging out in date like setting is not ok. Group or public places or such is ok. I said I wouldn't put himself in such position with another girl, I wants same consideration from her. She started to justify herself.

She has NOT told the male friend that its ONLY friendship. I asked her if she told him, she did not. Twice in one week is unacceptable. Especially places they went out to.

So finally I asked her if a compomise could be made where she doesn't hang out with male friends in such settings where its just 2 of them. She said she can't promise anything and wouldn't really stand down on the issue. She still wanted to keep doing that. That I should just trust her.

I grabbed my stuff, and said Trust is about respect and consideration and she has none of that. I said don't call and goodbye.

Fact is this may actually be friends from her point of view, not from his. But the deal is that I talked to her about it and she still is going with it, I think that is disrespectful.

Its been a week since I ended it. Its hard and I’m going through tough times. Last night has been the worst.

This has been the first time I broke it off with someone.

- Few facts about our relationship:
I’m 26, she is 21
We have fought almost every week for past 8 months.
She is very insecure and blames me for a lot of stuff
She was very loving and caring
She flipped out over Maxim magazine that I started to receive for free, for some reason
She flipped out when she found out I masturbated once every blue moon.
Sex only in missionary
Sex only 1-2 a week if I was lucky
List goes on

I know I did the right thing, but it still hurts. I can't believe I did what I did. My first time breaking up with a person I loved. It hurts like a b_1tch. Still. But it was someone I wrote before I didn't want to end up being with long term. So in a way its good I'm not with her.

Rollo T told me I should spin more plates. I listed, but I still hung onto her. I am willing TO DO now, not just listen. HELP.

Please any feedback or advice on what has happened, what I did and what I NEED and SHOULD do with my current situation to get over her and become a f____cking man.

 

[Desdinova]

Normally, I'd tell you that your insecurity showed when she wanted to hang out with a male friend. If you're confident and the girl has high IL, there isn't any competition.

But from what you've mentioned, it was the straw that broke the camel's back...

We have fought almost every week for past 8 months.
She is very insecure and blames me for a lot of stuff

You should've broke up with her a long time ago if these were issues in your relationship.

You're now free of all the stress that she brought upon your life. Remember, a woman should ADD happiness to your life, not take it away. If she starts taking it away, she's not a good woman, and she's not Mrs. Right.

Good luck on your new found freedom! You're on a new path of life with many adventures ahead of you. Make this a positive experience and have fun!

 

[Bourne]

Yeah, she has hung out with guy friends in past in earlier parts of the relationship and I didn't mind. Her IL was high and she had alot more respect for me.

Slowly later my trust of her started to go south. I couldn't trust her to do that stuff. Maybe my insecurities showed a bit, i agree. I will work on that. But I didn't care before, because I know she was completely into me and I had complete trust into her.

I even told her, introducing this variable into already rocky situation of our relationship is not good for us.

She didn't care.

 

[newbie81]

Bourne, I'm in the same situation.

I broke off with my gf, 10month relationship, first time I broke off with someone.

Reasons is simply that I felt unlucky with her, wasn't attracted to her anymore,... She loved me & begged me several times to give her another chance to make me lucky, but I said no. I broke off suddenly, when we once more a discussion about things you shouldn't be discussing about.

Yes it's the best thing you did.

yes it's hurt

Like Rollo T says, spin more plates. Start spinning them now.

It's been a week since my LTR ended, and everyday I think about her, every night I dream about her.

What helps me is:
-thinking about all the things that I hated & that I'm delivered off now.
-thinking about all the women out that are available now

I'm 25, young, good looking, good credit, good job, healthy,...

Start doing what you couldn't do before.

 

[Bourne]

Bourne, I'm in the same situation.

I broke off with my gf, 10month relationship, first time I broke off with someone.

Reasons is simply that I felt unlucky with her, wasn't attracted to her anymore,... She loved me & begged me several times to give her another chance to make me lucky, but I said no. I broke off suddenly, when we once more a discussion about things you shouldn't be discussing about.

Yes it's the best thing you did.

yes it's hurt

Like Rollo T says, spin more plates. Start spinning them now.

It's been a week since my LTR ended, and everyday I think about her, every night I dream about her.

What helps me is:
-thinking about all the things that I hated & that I'm delivered off now.
-thinking about all the women out that are available now

I'm 25, young, good looking, good credit, good job, healthy,...

Start doing what you couldn't do before.

Wow, yeah, one week since I broke it off too, and we are in very almost exact similar positions.

Thanks for sharing man, I really appreciate it.

 

[DJDamage]

I’ve been with this girl for over a year. She is 21. Its been rocky and tough for most of it. We did have a lot of fun and I did love her.

You described your relationship as tough and rocky but yet had alot of fun. Something tells me that you allowed her to get away with alot of sh1t at the begining and thus she didn't respect you or had a high interest level in you as the time of the relatioship progressed. You compromise yourself for some ass and you helped manifest this situation.

I came back to see her and after that I expressed my view that I do not like when my g/f goes out on date like setting with another guy, who has known to have a crush on her and I would appreciate if she didn’t hang out in that setting where its just 1 on 1.

Don't try to use logic on women. Its not going to work out. Your best bet was to show her through your actions by decreasing your time you spend with her and decreasing your attention and affection. If this girl had a high interest level to begin with in you she would quickley leave the guy alone to try and spend more time with you in an attemp to salvage your sagging relationship.

Following Thursday, she calls me at 5pm and says they are going out to a Mexican restaurant. I text message her and say can I come. She says yeah, they can save me a seat. I just tested see if its ok for me to come. So now its romantic location, one on one and i didn't like it.

Your reply should have been "have a good time".

She says, its rudicilous to think it’s a date and she always done that in the past with guys she considered friends.

Friendship between men and women is always under ambiguous terms. Women keep males as friends for both attention and as backups.

So finally I asked her if a compomise could be made where she doesn't hang out with male friends in such settings where its just 2 of them. She said she can't promise anything and wouldn't really stand down on the issue. She still wanted to keep doing that. That I should just trust her.

No woman that loves and fears losing her man will risk compromising all that by hanging around a 'male friend', especially since she knows he doesn't approve of it. This girl never really was into you.

We have fought almost every week for past 8 months.
She is very insecure and blames me for a lot of stuff
She was very loving and caring
She flipped out over Maxim magazine that I started to receive for free, for some reason
She flipped out when she found out I masturbated once every blue moon.
Sex only in missionary
Sex only 1-2 a week if I was lucky
List goes on

read this list every time you feel bad because it will help you relise that you did the right decision.

 

[Bourne]

Damage:

So I learn from this experiece, can you give me some advice and tips on what I should look for and change in my approach to life and women. Based on what you read.

 

[DJDamage]

Damage:

So I learn from this experiece, can you give me some advice and tips on what I should look for and change in my approach to life and women.

You have a link to the Dj Bible posted under your name, I think that is the best place to start.

Reread Rollo T on spinning plates. The most important thing you need to understand from spinning plates is that its purpose is to give you more options and not settle for bad women with bad behaviours(not sarging and settling long terms for the first piece of ass that comes your way will certainley lead to that). The more you will date the more you will know what you want and who you should be settling for.

DjDamage

 

[driver55]

Hello Bourne,

If you read my post on desperately need advice, my situation was pretty horrible, and I can liken it to yours, somewhat. My advice to you is read the bible, and implement it. I have begun an evolution with it, and I mean that in every sense of the word. I can feel my life transforming. You can get through it. You must simply begin to concentrate your efforts outside of yourself and into meeting other people. You can do it, I believe in you!
Especially considering everything you wrote about this girl, you are definately better off! (esp. "missionary only?" WTF?)

As an aside I will be posting field reports on my own transformation. I can't believe the veil of confusion I have been living under...

 

[warpy]

she was definitely checking out a scenario with you out of the picture and him in the picture. good judgement call from you kicking her ass out the door.

dont lose faith.. plenty of better fish in the sea

 

[Bourne]

she was definitely checking out a scenario with you out of the picture and him in the picture. good judgement call from you kicking her ass out the door.

dont lose faith.. plenty of better fish in the sea

Thanks bud. Yeah, it hurts like a motherf_ucker. BAD. But It would have been worse if I did nothing let that behavior go unchecked.

I'm feeling better now then I did most of the week. Sometimes you figure that after a year of thick and thin that sh1t would happened. But...

Someone told me "Just remember... the pain is nothing more that withdrawels. It would be no different than quiting an addiction. And ALL withdrawels go away in a short amount of time."

One day at a time.

 

[Luveno]

Bourne,

went through the same thing last year. I was dating a younger girl for a year and a half, and it was more or less spot on to how you described your relationship. We did not break up over the same thing: I just got sick of fighting her all the time.

One thing about relationships is that they take a lot of time. When they start to deteriorate, we don't want to let go of something we spent so much time on - it would make us feel as if we wasted our time. However, we fail to realize that we are wasting even more time by trying to kick a dead horse to life.

Live and learn.

And good call on getting rid of your girl. She was definitely concocting an exit strategy.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Bourne, you need to be born again!!

You did the right thing - do not have any regrets whatsoever and you musn't call her and if she calls you do not talk to her, A man does not tolerate disrespect and this chick blatantly disrespected you! She was making you look like a chump/punk!

Don't listen to dudes who say that you were "insecure" - you are not insecure you are correct in your assessment of her and her intentions - of course, when a woman cheats she will always blame the guy - don't fall for that line!!

She finally showed her stripes - rejoice that you have departed from her!! Hors always latch on to another man before they release their grasp of their current sex partner - it is called the "monkey" technique - relating to a monkey swinging from branch to branch.

Your dignity and self respect is worth more than a hole between legs. This action on her part was inevitable - based on what you told us she had control and power over you!! Never let a woman be the dominate partner!!!

"So I learn from this experiece, can you give me some advice and tips on what I should look for and change in my approach to life and women. Based on what you read".

That is a big request but it only requires a small simple response - look for feminine women who are honest and who respect themselves and are submissive to a man's dominate nature.

 

[Bourne]

Thanks Luveno and LMS and everyone else.

Every morning I've woken up it hurts, but it has hurt a little bit less and less with each day.

I am going through the bible. I will be doing DJ bootcamp. I'm not wasting anymore of my time.

I haven't really dated people I wanted to date and the crappy part is? I'm 26 years old. I'm not too old to start so I am completely changing my ways guys.
Thanks.

 

[warpy]

hey man, 26 is young. i am 26 and for the last 4 years i realy havent dated. been going full time on my degrees. anyways the more you pickup the more you feel better. start today even if its at 7/11 or a park or even a campus. just go, there are lots of chicks out there waiting for you to catch them

oh yea i am doing a mix of boot camp and picking up on campus these days, its quite fun

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Ahh,..a new board, and a fresh new start, so it looks like it's time once again for some DJ Math:

Age: 26
Past Relationships: one of 5 years, almost married. She dumped me for grass is greener on the other side
Current: 1.3 years, I ended. Question and Advice about the current ex relationship

I’ve been with this girl for over a year. She is 21. Its been rocky and tough for most of it. We did have a lot of fun and I did love her.

Word Problem #1:
BOURNE is 26. His previous - "almost married" - relationship lasted 5 years. His present and recently ended relationship lasted for 1.3 years. How old was BOURNE when he had his first girlfriend? Correct answer: 19 years and 8 months old. Ergo, BOURNE's first "almost married" relationship occured directly after high school.

For the last year and 4 months the following list of behaviors was acceptable:
We have fought almost every week for past 8 months.
She is very insecure and blames me for a lot of stuff
She was very loving and caring
She flipped out over Maxim magazine that I started to receive for free, for some reason
She flipped out when she found out I masturbated once every blue moon.
Sex only in missionary
Sex only 1-2 a week if I was lucky

OK sarcasm over, but this is meant to illustrate a point. You lack a mature understanding of interpersonal relationships. This is not an uncommon occurance when people only use social/dating skills that they developed when in high school. If she is 21 now this means she was 19 when you met her at 24. She is also communicating and operating from a juvenile understanding and relying on social skills that seemed to work in high school, but are hinderances from an adult, experienced and mature point of view. Bear this in mind when you meet the next person(s) you choose to become intimate with. Social intelligence is a premium.

Your pattern of 'dating' (if you can really call it that) also point to your being a serial monogamist. Unlearn this NOW. This is a prime indicator of a self-ascribed ONEitis. Live alone untill you're 30. It's OK to be independent. That's not to say be a hermit or anti-social; quite the opposite really. Get out there, spin more plates, be social, form connections, sarge, but do not even entertain the idea of being exclusive or monogamous until you're 30. You have 4 years to enjoy and establish yourself. The time you've wasted up to now placating to a passionless woman only willing to begrudgingly lay in missionary position once or twice a week is small compensation for the hundreds of opportunities you've missed both personally and developmentally in that time.

Do you see why I advocate Plate Theroy? It's not a numbers game or d_ck measuring contest, it's about a ticking clock and the opportunities available in that time - financially, educationally, maturity-wise, and yes, hitting it with a good selection eligible females that your status as a commidity accomodates. Selection, opportunity and confidience flow from having open doors, plates spinning and irons in the fire. You tolerated your ex going off with her 'friend' because you lacked options. She was your only source of intimacy because you allowed this situation to happen and the balance of power was firmly in her position.

Up to now you haven't been the PRIZE. You've been running in quicksand from one girlfriend to another and this time is over. All you have to do is want it to be. You get points for pulling the plug on her, but now see to it you commit to yourself fully what you ought to have done back when you were 19. For God's sake do not go back to that same monogamous drudgery. It's hard to accept that your "sure thing" is now gone, but it's way past time you make yourself your new "sure thing."

 

[Vulpine]

I can't help but sit and wonder what if's...

What if you started hooking up dates and telling her about them?
What if you broght her along on these "dates".

Man, that would have been an awesome IL builder for your prospects. Fight fire with fire, right?

Anyway, you are better off. Don't just think it, know it.

I started getting maxim free when I signed up for internet dating - you dog! You totally signed up while dating this chick... right on!

 

[Bourne]

Ahh,..a new board, and a fresh new start, so it looks like it's time once again for some DJ Math:


Word Problem #1:
BOURNE is 26. His previous - "almost married" - relationship lasted 5 years. His present and recently ended relationship lasted for 1.3 years. How old was BOURNE when he had his first girlfriend? Correct answer: 19 years and 8 months old. Ergo, BOURNE's first "almost married" relationship occured directly after high school.

For the last year and 4 months the following list of behaviors was acceptable:
We have fought almost every week for past 8 months.
She is very insecure and blames me for a lot of stuff
She was very loving and caring
She flipped out over Maxim magazine that I started to receive for free, for some reason
She flipped out when she found out I masturbated once every blue moon.
Sex only in missionary
Sex only 1-2 a week if I was lucky

OK sarcasm over, but this is meant to illustrate a point. You lack a mature understanding of interpersonal relationships. This is not an uncommon occurance when people only use social/dating skills that they developed when in high school. If she is 21 now this means she was 19 when you met her at 24. She is also communicating and operating from a juvenile understanding and relying on social skills that seemed to work in high school, but are hinderances from an adult, experienced and mature point of view. Bear this in mind when you meet the next person(s) you choose to become intimate with. Social intelligence is a premium.

Your pattern of 'dating' (if you can really call it that) also point to your being a serial monogamist. Unlearn this NOW. This is a prime indicator of a self-ascribed ONEitis. Live alone untill you're 30. It's OK to be independent. That's not to say be a hermit or anti-social; quite the opposite really. Get out there, spin more plates, be social, form connections, sarge, but do not even entertain the idea of being exclusive or monogamous until you're 30. You have 4 years to enjoy and establish yourself. The time you've wasted up to now placating to a passionless woman only willing to begrudgingly lay in missionary position once or twice a week is small compensation for the hundreds of opportunities you've missed both personally and developmentally in that time.

Do you see why I advocate Plate Theroy? It's not a numbers game or d_ck measuring contest, it's about a ticking clock and the opportunities available in that time - financially, educationally, maturity-wise, and yes, hitting it with a good selection eligible females that your status as a commidity accomodates. Selection, opportunity and confidience flow from having open doors, plates spinning and irons in the fire. You tolerated your ex going off with her 'friend' because you lacked options. She was your only source of intimacy because you allowed this situation to happen and the balance of power was firmly in her position.

Up to now you haven't been the PRIZE. You've been running in quicksand from one girlfriend to another and this time is over. All you have to do is want it to be. You get points for pulling the plug on her, but now see to it you commit to yourself fully what you ought to have done back when you were 19. For God's sake do not go back to that same monogamous drudgery. It's hard to accept that your "sure thing" is now gone, but it's way past time you make yourself your new "sure thing."

Thank you. I agree with you completely and thank you for reality kick in the ass. You gave me excellent advice in the past once. Few months ago. I listened but I didn't follow it. I regret that. This time I promise you and everyone on the board I will NOT fall into the same pattern. I will follow this advice you game me Rollo to heart. Deep inside I always wanted to do something similar but I didn't know how or where to start.

I am glad I had the balls to kick her to the curb and it only now set off bells and momentum of my life changing. I will NOT go back to the ways I was.

I have started to really read the bible in past few days. I have just started the boot camp.

I am going to an excellent school, have a decent freelancing gig and I work out religiously but only thing that always lacked is my success with women, my social circle and my personal inner peace and approach to life. This is now changing. Thanks guys.

So I have now started to implement the material on the forums. DJ Bootcamp and Bible. Any other tips and suggestions? I was thinking about starting a journal on main discussion groups.

 

[resilient]

Any other tips and suggestions? I was thinking about starting a journal on main discussion groups.

Yeah, a personal word document file on yourself really helps. I started one last month and it's been really helpful. You know how you'll have one thought one day that really goes around in circles?

It's helpful to journal out your thoughts because you bring peace and wisdom to your mind as you work through clarity. I call mine simply, DJ Journal. Just don't let family, friends, or girls read it because they could use your thoughts to manipulate you if they discover it. It's a lot like guarding your heart. Good luck.

 

[Bourne]

What kind of stuff do you write in it? Just few examples.