HPD/BPD Ex Spouse - Good to see this site

[jonwon]

Hi guys,

This is the first forum i've seen which actually recognises PD's and understands their completely devastating impact on the people that they befriend.

I'm 8 months separated from my wife who has been confirmed with a PD, I personally think it's HPD. We have two young children and i'll have to know her for the next 17 years or so, minimum.

A quick run down of what i've dealt with:

1. She's been cautioned by police after claiming she'd been attacked and raped in our house by an unknown man. She was full of cuts and bruises. Police did forensics - found she'd done it all herself. The cuts were to her face and scalp and were inflicted with a sewing needle.
2. Didn't like me going to work at one time, so text messaged me after I left and said she'd been bad and would punish herself. She took an OD and ended up in hospital. I had to tend to her and subsequently lost my job due to the time that domestic issues were taking up.
3. She can't hold friends. With any new female friend, she'll shout their name from the hill-tops for the first part, then will forget them in an instant. Often, they lose interest in the ex because she'll commit to arrangements but will then let people down.
4. She says she gets on with men better. Well yes, because then she can use sexual persuasion to manipulate. She doesn't have male friends either though. Any man she talks to is with a view to suggesting she's interested in them, even when she isn't at all.
5. She frequents online sites for men. She's been caught in two EA's online. She doesn't like the idea of finding a partner locally or outside the web, as she can't then feed the BS that creates the sympathy and attention.
6. Having got caught on one EA by myself and questioned, she took another OD to get out of the situation. She was assigned health workers, then thought she could excuse her actions by saying she was sick.
7. Got obsessed with her appearance and lost 70lbs in three months.
8. Fraudulently bought clothes and beauty products. Has since been sued. Spent all her income on herself, left me to pay rent, bills, food etc.
9. Went 'man' crazy after I left her and couldn't take anymore. Eventually found herself a young lad of 23 years on myyearbook. Spider caught herself another fly! Became obsessed with going to see him at weekends.
10. Swore on our children's lives that OM was platonic. Months later, found graphic pictures of her masturbating herself, sent to him.
11. Speaking of above, has history of sending naked, graphic pictures to men online.
12. Has told people online that her ex (that's me!) beats her up. There was never any violence between us.
13. Has history of self harm and creation of injuries (some real by running into doors etc, some with make-up), to cry-wolf to people online.
14. Has claimed she's been raped a few times in the past, kicked in the gut when pregnant with first spouse (yes, i'm the second and she's only just turned 30), and other various tales which I just don't believe.
15. Can't hold a job for five minutes.
16. Finds new interests and takes them on with an intense passion, then within a short time will get completely bored of it and will leave it behind.
17. The lies in general....oh my, they just run off the tongue with every single sentence spouted.
18. Asked me to consider reconciliation twice since separation. Both times claimed was single and had improved mentally. She wasn't at all, she was playing me, OM, and also frequenting dating sites and MSN, all at the same time.
19. Will deny things even when caught square in the face, then will turn the table and make you out to be the bad guy.
20. Justifies all wrong-doings with a simple statement of 'I was/am ill'. Never expresses regret, remorse or consideration for actions. Purely thinks she can excuse them.
21. Can morph character to fit into any group of people, though doesn't hold it forever. Easily influenced into things by peers to 'fit in'.

There will be loads more character traits but there's 21 to kick things off. I note a common thing with these people though, a lot tend to be attractive and the sex incredible. It's the same for us, mainly because PD's will do anything satisfy you and are usually damn adventurous!

We've just finalising the contact with children at the moment, then are set to proceed divorce. She still calls, often for silly reasons, due to her extreme attention seeking and continues to try the pull/push routine to keep me dangling on a string.

I used to wonder if she was undecided or just deliberately trying to play me whilst she pursued various men. After a six year relationship and two children, you'd think i'd cement in the head a bit more than the average Joe. It doesn't matter now though, my eyes are opened, much as a result of reading the PD threads on here.

Anyway, thanks for reading and hope to have some responses from people who've experienced similar issues with their own ex's. I'm particularly interested in learning the best way to deal with her on an LC basis (due to kids) whilst keeping control of the situation.

Also, is she likely to attempt to play me for years, or will she find herself other prey to focus on? Probably both!

Aim

Aint wimin grand?

Control her? Your handelling dynamite, is she even safe with children?

"I used to wonder if she was undecided or just deliberately trying to play me whilst she pursued various men. After a six year relationship and two children, you'd think i'd cement in the head a bit more than the average Joe. It doesn't matter now though, my eyes are opened, much as a result of reading the PD threads on here".

This was your original problem, you used things like kids or an house e.t.c to garner leverage on a women who was and is bad news! In the hope she would change, or at least stop her piss poor actions.

Yes this site is great to expose the BP chicks, but take responsibility too - this chick was no good from the start, you need to ask yourself why you allowed yourself for it to get to this stage! That is your question.

Edit - I notice with this woman also, you TRUST somethings she tells you when it is clear she has had zero problems lying to you!

This women can not be trusted full stop, get a paternaty check done, I dont care if your kid looks like you or not - Going by her say so is tantamount to upmost stupidity, no offence, but this women has lied to you constantly and consitantly, don't expect her to be truthful about anything - especcially anything that is in her best interest.

Seriously I wouldn't trust this chick to make me an omollette.

The point though, is not about her it's about you, why oh why did you allow yourself to fall for such a whack job?

I know why! You have issues too, you need to address them - probably a clear case of limited mindset mentality, keeping the chick because you feared loss, you lacked options for other women and held onto the first one that showed some level of attraction - BP are great at sucking men in, but still it takes a certain type of man.

Yes i've dated a BP chick, even married one - but I walked out after the gloss and left her, before (thank god) I was as invested as you where.

I understood my problem back then, I lacked education and for-sight, and was acting on a need to keep her, because I though I couldn't find another women like her - This was about 5 years ago - If you want you can change, but first you need to address your faults, first and for-most - This women is a none-entity, she is reflection on "what you put into the world, is what you got out of it" - She is part of your choices, you are totally and utterly responsible in that regard. Take ownership.

 

[boomerick]

I agree with jonwon above and from my own experience --- if you become involved with a long term BPD chick ---- You have issues !!!! YOU are the one who CHOSE this chick and stayed with her too long. YOU have and are still enabling her behaviour to a degree. Get professional help for yourself with someone familiar with BPD spouse issues. If you hope to deal with continued contact because of the kids you need to heal and fortify yourself. I know this from my own experience. Look at my signature line !!!!!!!!!

 

[aimchase]

Thanks for all your replies,

I know this sounds stupid considering how long i've been here, but my god, you're opening my eyes and helping me to see with such better clarity.

1. I've never had issues, i've had my share of women but in truth had never really got involved in a real LTR. I do admit that I exhibited and probably do have somewhere, a weakness. She threw herself at me with love, attention, devotion, everything you could imagine. My family were like 'woah woah, Aim, she's not right! Something's not good here! (especially after the self harm and OD's), but I had no understanding that woman could operate in this way. I just thought she'd been through a nervous breakdown and being a good soul, wanted to repay her devotion to me by helping her. Yes, I was gullible, an absolute fvcking idiot, and didn't/refused (I don't know which) refused to see the bigger picture. I do remember dumping her about three times early on, to which she would cry and make out her heart was shattered. BANG - I was roped in again and felt for her.

Anyway, the point is that you've made me realise that over the course of this relationship, particularly the last 18 months, the woman has absolutely fvcking mind-raped me. I've been conned into a complete fantasy of BS, and there are scars. I've therefore taken your advice and have a docs appointment tomorrow morning to talk this through, and get a referral for some support.

2. Now i'm seriously questioning everything. We've got contact with kids on the verge of being sorted, but I called my lawyer today and said STOP! I need to think this through as I was in the process of filing for custody. The custody battle is still ongoing but was about to stop. Now i'm thinking 'this b!tch has ran across the country from one guy to another in the past, she's gonna do it again. She's plotting to run to this OM with the kids. I just have a deep feeling that it's the intention'. I'm going to speak about it to doc tomorrow as well.

As part of the custody battle, we're both due to see a psychologist (at my lawyers request regarding the ex). This could be the time when the situation is called, though as i've read on here, BPD's can mind fvck the best of them so they HAVE to be well versed on the BPD in the first place.

I'll have to plan my own session well too. I can't just rush in with a torrent of information on how fvcking whacko the spouse is, i've got to make more of a point that i'm a better parent and a damn good father.

Now I want to ask a further question. I have to see her tomorrow night and she's no doubt either going to BS again. I REALLY want to tell her that i've turned a corner, that i've realised the entire fantasy, that i'm free from it and won't ever believe her anymore, that I resent her actions from the past.

Is doing that ok or danger? I can't see that she'll come running to me, so aren't concerned about her crazy harrassment which has been done before. How will she react though? So far, i've noticed that if I push her away or criticise her, she'll run to OM harder. It's therefore probably not wise in that if she's pondering fleeing the area, it's better to make life comfortable for her around here, even if I will be pulling the most fake smile ever and will be thinking 'I absolutely hate your fvcking guts, you lying piece of manipulative sh!t'.

I also have a fake MSN account which she sometimes speaks to. I think I might rope her into it as part of my case against her. She's already told me that I beat her up (got a screenshot of that, thanks darling), if I can get more BS out of her and then present to the shrink with a 'I only did this to prove to you her actions', I could possibly obtain a wealth of complete fantasy which proves beyond doubt that she's a whacko.

Not sure if the shrink would think i'm a scheming a-hole as well then, though.

 

[boomerick]

From my experience (keep in mind I'm some random poster on a web site not an expert) do the counciling for YOU.

The counciling will NOT solve the relationship problems.

YOU will have relationship damage residue that YOU will need to heal from.

That's what the counceling should address, YOU, not you and her.

Also remember you're there to show your own fitness not to just attack her or paint her in a bad light.

Show yourself in a good light instead.

Get seperate doctors if possible.

If you don't it will turn into her cryfest with you staring as the "MONSTER THAT RUINED HER LIFE".

Any documentation as far as her character or fitness is concerned keep for the lawyer.

MINIMISE the contact you must have but don't tip your hand.

Try to go along as if nothing has changed.

You are playing with the lives of, and potential relationship you will have with, your children so you must keep a cool head.

Start the documentation I suggested above RIGHT NOW!!!

Even all the historical stuff you can remember.

You have to protect yourself first to be effective in protecting your kids.

I hope others have even better ideas !

Good luck.

 

[jophil28]

Let this tread be a warning to men that a woman who throws herself at you like she did, who displays high levels of rapid sexual eagerness, and is willing to be whomever she thinks that you want and is eager do whatever you want should be regarded as a SUSPECT.
The Femme Fatale comes in a variety of presentations and disguises ,but none is more ultimately destructive than the gorgeous, seductive BPD.

 

[aimchase]

Let this tread be a warning to men that a woman who throws herself at you like she did, who displays high levels of rapid sexual eagerness, and is willing to be whomever she thinks that you want and is eager do whatever you want should be regarded as a SUSPECT.
The Femme Fatale comes in a variety of presentations and disguises ,but none is more ultimately destructive than the gorgeous, seductive BPD.

Amen to that. The current OM is living an absolute dream right now. He feels loved, cherished, the luckiest man alive.

She's just ordered another fvcking cell phone under his name!

It's tragic. This AFC who is loving, tender, caring, and thinks he has it made, is going to get swallowed, regurgitated, and spat out. He's going to fall to pieces, might even want to put a gun to his head. He'll be saying 'I don't understand? What did I do wrong?'. The guy before me did that, he was calling her cell phone like hell when we first met, going absolutely crazy with confusion. Of course, she told me that he'd abused her.

But once she's done, BPD is on to the next man, repeating the cycle. She leaves devastation behind her, but never turns her head.

How weird that I actually pity the guy who is still, legally speaking, fvcking my wife!

But hey, he's AFC and safe. A good guy who's just bee roped in. I've learnt that she won't deal with Alpha's, she won't get the control she needs.
At least if she sticks with him it's stability for the kids. It'd be a whole lot worse if she just ditched him and hooked up with other AFC's.

What's weird though is that her relationships have all been pretty LTR. First was 7 years, second was one year, I was 5 years. So saying she should flick from one R to another doesn't actually ring true with her. What does, however, is that throughout all of these relationships, she would have been scheming her azz off throughout and manipulating each of these people until she'd got bored of it.

 

[jonwon]

Thanks for all your replies,



Not sure if the shrink would think i'm a scheming a-hole as well then, though.

Aimchase I mean no disrespect, but I need to point out a few things:


"I do admit that I exhibited and probably do have somewhere, a weakness".

Now the way I gather it, your addressing a few key points about yourself - and this is all it is in truth, but your still skirting around the core lessons to be learned here.

"wanted to repay her devotion to me by helping her"

I suggest you look up captain save a ho - or white knight syndrome.

Your problem just from this little gleam of information is, pritty clear! Your a nice-guy tm - Who tried to save a chick who was fuc*ed up, because you felt an urge to do so - Your story has been played a million times and been read about a 1000x.


"Anyway, the point is that you've made me realise that over the course of this relationship, particularly the last 18 months, the woman has absolutely fvcking mind-raped me. I've been conned into a complete fantasy of BS, and there are scars."

The point is this women wasn't mind raping you, you where doing it to yourself.

And now you go into a tirade of what a cun* she was.

The point your simply not understanding, is this women is a reflection of you belief system - You couldn't have had it any other way.

You made every choice and still you fail to realize that the woman was not at fault, but you where for the way you think and the way you operate with women.

Now the reason I state this is because your willing to learn;

"Yes, I was gullible, an absolute fvcking idiot, and didn't/refused (I don't know which) refused to see the bigger picture."

But you still fail to see the big picture.

I suggest you do some compelling reading, starting with the (DJ) bible.

Look up captain save a ho, as stated.

Think why you felt you needed to help out this chick and what motivated you to this action.

And reflect why you made so many fuc*ing poor choices.

This chick is a none entity, get over her already.

Deal with the kids.

If she is a cun*, she is a cun* you allowed into your life.

Now women can turn into total ****s when a relationship finished, but your GF was a total **** from the get go and you stuck around, that does not a healthy male mind make. Regardless of how she sucked you in or how she operated, the key here, is you felt obliged to help her and that my friend to me is a massive problem and one you need to raign fast and very fast indeed.

Otherwise I can see you repeating this drama over and over again and for ever more blaming the cun* 'you' allowed to infest your life.

Take your ego out of the equation and see the real picture, the one you painted, take responsibility, take accountability and do the neccassary.

This is a lesson you needed to learn, you have been baptised by fire, dont ignore what you need to understand -

PS aimchase, no offence ment, but your not an alpha, if anything you have a serious over bloated sense of self worth - this I feel is your problem too.

You paint yourself to be holier than a ho, but in the face of it, your the reason for being in the place your are at now, no one else, not even her.

Your like the wife who get's beat to fuc* by the husband, who refuses to leave him, till the guy goes just that little too far - then when it turns to innevitable shi*, like it will - She turns around to the world and makes out she is a victim and wasn't responsible for her own fuc*ed up choices, in choosing the guy in the first place and sticking around when he revealed his true colors.

You know I can buy guys banding around the ALPHA label, like it's an extension to a mans bolloc*'s, but walking away from a BP ho, who is pritty appauling, and no offence my wife was bad, but yours takes the cake it really does - for you to stick around after all that shi*, does not paint you out to be an ALPHA at all - not in my book.

But you can become an ALPHA, but your not going to get there whilst beating your chest and pleading victimhood and shouting for all the world to hear how much a cun* your partner was.

At least most guys here who have had a bad experiance with a BP chick learned from it and grew, you on the other hand claim your an ALPHA.

Get a grip, i seriously doubt you know what an alpha is at all, you don't become one for simply posting on a forum, just like you dont become a DJ by simply posting about some skank wife, who finally tipped you over the edge, and you sure as hell dont become one, by showing borderline oneitus and sla**ing the wife off to total strangers on a forum like something out of the pages of love shack.


I mean this in the nicest possible way.

This is tough love and you need it.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Fighting these people is dangerous, it´s better to disappear.

Aimchase I mean no disrespect, but I need to point out a few things:

"Anyway, the point is that you've made me realise that over the course of this relationship, particularly the last 18 months, the woman has absolutely fvcking mind-raped me. I've been conned into a complete fantasy of BS, and there are scars."

The point is this women wasn't mind raping you, you where doing it to yourself. The point your simply not understanding, is this women is a reflection of you belief system - You couldn't have had it any other way.

This is tough love and you need it.

I beg to differ. These PD women are contortionists, they are professionals. Even an Alpha Male can fall, albeit he will get out sooner (he will sense something is off). These Pds can read you like a book and play accordingly.

Even Psychologists can be played, if not experienced with these types.

Abusive women break you down and keep breaking you down until there’s nothing left. They don’t rebuild you nor do they have an ideology beyond, “It’s all about me and my feelings” and “I’m always right no matter how wrong I am.”

Manipulation and Deception. Both cult recruiters and emotional predators employ manipulation and deception to ensnare their targets. Initially, they hide their true natures and intentions and wear a carefully crafted, too-good-to-be-true persona. “They identity the specific needs or desires of their targets and play to them. They learn to pick up on a person’s fears and vulnerabilities and portray [themselves] accordingly” (Layton).

Abusive women, particularly histrionics and borderlines, are natural chameleons and shape shifters. They intuitively discern what you want—e.g., sexy, sweet, adventurous, sporty, artsy, etc.—and play it and you to the hilt. As soon as they’re secure in your attachment, the facade drops away and the emotional and/or physical abuse starts. Sometimes they’re impossible to detect until you’re in over your head.

Furthermore, most abusers aren’t abusive all the time. If they were nasty the majority of the time, psychologically healthy people would keep their distance. This kind of woman is like the wicked witch in a fairy tale who transforms herself into the beautiful maiden to attract potential lovestruck suitors. Shortly after you pledge your devotion to her, she exposes her inner ugliness. It’s hard for many men to let go of the initial illusion and so they continue to play right into her hands.

These people have awesome powers but use it to manipulate or destroy you. They are so skillful that they play with your head and in the end you blame YOURSELF for it. That´s why it´s pretty difficult to know if it was really your fault that turned the girl off, or she was planting her seeds in your mind to trick you. These people want attention and will do whatever it takes to secure it.

Breaking Up Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic or Sociopathic Style


There are primarily five ways a break up with an abusive individual plays out:

1. You end the relationship and want nothing more to do with her, but she won’t leave you alone. Individuals who are more BPD or HPD tend to behave this way. Most NPDs won’t chase after you or grovel to get you back—they’ll bully and threaten, but not grovel.

2. She ends the relationship, cuts you out of her life and begins dating other men immediately. You wonder if you ever meant anything to her at all. You convince yourself that you’re still in love (Stockholm Syndrome) with her and contact her only to be ignored or emotionally smacked down. All cluster B’s are capable of this behavior. They view people as objects to use, therefore, everyone is replaceable after they suck them dry.


3. She breaks up with you and then begs you to take her back or “magnanimously” offers you another chance. You reunite, she breaks up with you again and a pattern of her jerking your chain develops. A BPD is more likely to beg and plead, while a NPD will make it seem like she’s doing you a favor by reconciling.

4. She breaks up with you/you break up with her and you receive a flurry of angry, hurtful, conciliatory, desperate and/or seductive emails, texts, calls and/or voicemails. She spews the most vile things at you—insulting your manhood and threatening “revenge” for the audacity of not wanting to further subject yourself to her abuse—or tries to lure you back in with her crisis du jour (e.g., my car broke down, someone threatened her, someone’s being “mean” to her) or explicit sexual come-on’s. The more you ask her to leave you alone or try to reason with her, the more she amps up her stalking-harassing behavior. All Cluster B’s are likely to behave this way.

5. You get caught in a sick dynamic in which you’re both breaking up with each other (sometimes several times in the same day) and hurl insults back and forth via text or email. Then you get back together or plan to get back together or have sex, everything blows up, you break up again, compete to see who can hurt the other more and create a sick and highly self-destructive cycle of mutual abuse. If you’re engaging in this particular dynamic, I urge you to take a step back, look at what you’re doing and get professional help to break the cycle. This dynamic is typical when both individuals have one or some variation of the Cluster B disorders or if one partner is extremely co-dependent and the other abusive.

 

[jonwon]

I beg to differ. These PD women are contortionists, they are professionals. Even an Alpha Male can fall, albeit he will get out sooner (he will sense something is off). These Pds can read you like a book and play accordingly.

Even Psychologists can be played, if not experienced with these types.



These people have awesome powers but use it to manipulate or destroy you.

Sorry I dont buy it, even so. This guy refuses to see his part in this drama, skitting over it whilst beating his chest.

What do I know?

All I know is I see cannon fodder like this guy often and plenty, making out how much of a MAN they are, whilst bombing from one fuc8ing poor specimin to another.

And regardless of what a chick is like to suck you in, if the guy was a 'true alpha', he would drop the bitc* like a used nappy at the first sign of that cra*.

Not buy an house and have kids with her.

Now you state they can suck in Psychologists, from my experiance, if your talking about a Psychologists who experts in dating, most of them are mainstream tits who don't know their as* from their elbow anyway.

One only needs to pick up a local rag and see the shi*, these so called experts spew.

Awsome powers aside, I've dated and experiance these whack jobs, even married one - I've built up my defences and changed my thinking, like most men do who succeed after the carnage. What i didn't do is tell the world how alpha i was and make my wife out to be the devil incarnate.

I personnally, hated the bitc*, but I understand fully and totally, the reason why I dated her and married her, just like the OP, it was totally and utterly my responsibility.

These women do not come in under a radar and suck you in, like most men believe, that to me is a cop out - They come under a radar that is disfunctional from the get go, it can be fixed, but not if one deny's accountability.

He needs to hear this shi*, even if it's uncomfortable, or it bruises his ego. This stuff may actually spare him future drama. Who am I, just some guy on a forum, he will walk away and i'll be unimportant, what is important, is that little seed I and others implent into his mind, much like others did for me many years back.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

I´m not saying we have to play the victim. In a way we are indeed enabling their dysfunctional behavior. If we do what these girls want they get mad, if we don´t they get mad, so the guy blames himself. The problem is that the mess is so big you´re trapped in a huge fog and don´t know what to do. To experienced outsiders, it´s easy to see but to those involved it´s not. The emotions and sex cloud their vision. I say this for myself that even after all these knowledge and experience with these PDs, It´s hard not to fall for them. They push your most hidden buttons you´re not even aware. It´s a powerstruggle with them. Encounters with these PDs are so frustrating, you get paraoid and scared of your next encounter with any new girl. If you assume all of them are like those PDS then you´re doomed for life. They are the exception not the rule. All chauvinists and feminists are PDs you can be sure of that.

This "article" pretty much summarizes the idea.

The reason that we teach to walk away from women who display certain characteristics is so that we do not fall to their frame nor do we waste our time.

Most of the time we next based on disrespect or apparent lack of interest and for men those are rules to live by.

I personally do not care HOW real her interest is......if she is going to show disrespect or try and act cold, I will not date her. Why? Because disrespect in the beginning of ANY kind of relationship is a good forecasting tool for the remainder of the relationship. And if she is going to be cold to you in the beginning, all you are doing is chasing her and putting her on a pedestal. Or trying to "win her over".....On average, for most men, that is a losing proposition. Best to go with the women that are classy enough to not play games, or to actually have an interest level in a real adult relationship with a man. Life is a casino, play the odds to your favor.

Being secure is just having the courage to do with your life what you want to do, and don't let it be dictated by the people around you. Your life is yours. No one has the right to tell you what you should be doing. Suggestions are fine and you can thank people for them. Just say: "Thanks, I'll consider that." But in the end you will engage in the actions that you want to do. It are your choices. Even the insecure person who blindly follows others people suggestions/orders is still choosing that life, even though he might feel like he 'has to'. That's a very important idea. We are choice making individuals and we always choose how to act, whether it be conciously or unconciously, IT IS ALWAYS UP TO OURSELVES. If you want to change something, there is a perfect solution for that. Just make up your mind and decide you are going to live your life for yourself. You won't be neglecting or abusing others along the way, but you DEFINE your life. And if people disagree with that, it is their problem, not yours. Why? Because demanding others to live a life they don't really like is to be a burden.

So from now on:
1. Choose YOUR LIFE, and define it however you would like it to be.
2. Don't impose anything on other people and do not accept similar behavior from other people towards you.

 

[jonwon]

I´m not saying we have to play the victim. In a way we are indeed enabling their dysfunctional behavior. If we do what these girls want they get mad, if we don´t they get mad, so the guy blames himself. The problem is that the mess is so big you´re trapped in a huge fog and don´t know what to do. To experienced outsiders, it´s easy to see but to those involved it´s not. The emotions and sex cloud their vision. I say this for myself that even after all these knowledge and experience with these PDs, It´s hard not to fall for them. They push your most hidden buttons you´re not even aware. It´s a powerstruggle with them. Encounters with these PDs are so frustrating, you get paraoid and scared of your next encounter with any new girl. If you assume all of them are like those PDS then you´re doomed for life. They are the exception not the rule. All chauvinists and feminists are PDs you can be sure of that.

This "article" pretty much summarizes the idea.

Did you post that article about me imposing my values on someone, or addressing it to the OP.

I have zero idea why your even dabating this cra*, I stand by my post word for word, you simply seem to be pis*ing in the wind.

 

[aimchase]

Sorry I dont buy it, even so. This guy refuses to see his part in this drama, skitting over it whilst beating his chest.

Nope, totally accept it. She carried on, I didn't act. I clearly have a problem in not kicking such people out of touch. She's the first, she the last, that's what i'll make sure of.

Beating chest? Thinking i'm Alpha? Not that I was aware of, it was merely a case of describing their behaviours and pointing out, as others have on previous threads, my own experience. Felt sorry for myself? I can see where you get that from and you're right. Point taken.


Awsome powers aside, I've dated and experiance these whack jobs, even married one - I've built up my defences and changed my thinking, like most men do who succeed after the carnage. What i didn't do is tell the world how alpha i was and make my wife out to be the devil incarnate.

You say you built your defences and changed your thinking. Therefore you were equally weak prior to starting that process. Everyone's got to start somewhere.

I personnally, hated the bitc*, but I understand fully and totally, the reason why I dated her and married her, just like the OP, it was totally and utterly my responsibility.

I am accepting responsibility for it now. I mean it, you have changed my viewpoint entirely and I appreciate it.

These women do not come in under a radar and suck you in, like most men believe, that to me is a cop out - They come under a radar that is disfunctional from the get go, it can be fixed, but not if one deny's accountability.

Some people need to get their fingers burnt before they learn to keep away from fire.


He needs to hear this shi*, even if it's uncomfortable, or it bruises his ego. This stuff may actually spare him future drama. Who am I, just some guy on a forum, he will walk away and i'll be unimportant, what is important, is that little seed I and others implent into his mind, much like others did for me many years back.

Yep, needed to hear it. No plans on walking away, if my thinking has changed in two days, there's a whole lot more to discover

Now where do I find the DJ Bible?

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Did you post that article about me imposing my values on someone, or addressing it to the OP.

I have zero idea why your even dabating this cra*, I stand by my post word for word, you simply seem to be pis*ing in the wind.

I said "WE" meaning MEN acting like a victim. I´m not talking about you or me.

 

[jonwon]

Now where do I find the DJ Bible?

Here:

http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/

Good place to start.

Yes I was alot like you, most people are when they start out.

The reason why you found this site, was because deep down you wanted to change for the better and see where you went wrong. The motivation is there, dont let it be swollowed up in the bright lights of cun*-ville, i.e assuming all this was the product of some skirt and we as men had no input or part to play in the drama.

When you learn and absord, your lesson will probably propel you to a higher plane than the usual, average guys who walk from one fuc* up to another.

Sometimes guys have to be blessed in fire, so to speak, your one of them, so was I.

Sometimes pain can purify - sometimes it can fuc* you up.

 

[hithard]

You need to stop living like a drama addict, and concentrate on your kids. Who gives a fu*ck what her facebook status is, or what the OM is doing. You know what she was already, you don't need anymore confirmation. You’re still getting sucked into her BS games, when there is no need for it. She will do whatever she feels like, and you worrying about it won't make an inch of difference.
There is a point where you just let it go. Plan for the here and now, not what was in the past. You don't need to cram game techniques in the hope you can get her back, make her jealousy or as an attempt to get sex revenge. Worry about the small steps of making the best of a bad situation. And btw of course you can get her back easy.... but wtf for. It will always be the same. Honestly I would not want to be going through that crap consistently as I grew older.

Co-dependency is usually a result of these types of relationships. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet again, look after your children and forget the fu*cken drama addiction. Don't worry about what she is doing it is a waste of time.

Whatever you decide this site here will support you 100% either way
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=7c8267b51d96fb3aaed43c61189c5b06&

Learning about red flags from the outset of a relationship is a good idea. I think Jophil mentioned it. But in general reading the DJ bible too close to the end of a relationship, often results in guys using the material on their exs in a half ****ed way. Since NC is not really an option. Just being civil, and not prying into (or listening to her boasting about OM to you) while maintaining as minimal contact as possible with her and what she is doing. Get yourself back to a healthy mindset before taking to much on board.

 

[hithard]

Side note:
Top rule is don't end up a whiny ***** about this relationship experiance. Mistakes were made (it happens). Just don't whine on and on to family and friends.

 

[backbreaker]

women are like republicans. they like shock tactics and play on emotions.

stop playing victim. you saw the red light and sped up. take blame, look in the mirror, see what part you played, live and learn.

 

[thissucks003]

I have to see her tomorrow night and she's no doubt either going to BS again.

Hey Aimchase,

I hope you have a digital recorder and are taping all contact with her. Save everything; including email, text, voicemails, etc.

'this b!tch has ran across the country from one guy to another in the past, she's gonna do it again

That really shouldn't be your concern anymore. You're biggest concern should be your kids. Accept the fact that she is going to screw x number of guys. That is the next guys problem! Your job is to make sure your kids are in a safe environment.

I would also recommend to stop having sex with her. You don't know where she may have been sexually and with who. You know her history! If you value yourself and your health, stop fooling around with her.

 

[aimchase]

Thanks for all your comments guys,

It's ok, I have no intention of getting back with her, playing her games, sex revenge, or anything else mentioned.

The biggest thing that you have all taught me is that I can't lay all of this on her. Yes, she is a complete whacko but you're right, why the fvck did I let it happen, where was my own self respect?

The strange things is that i'm quite renowned for not taking any sh!t from people, yet this person got right into the core of my soul. She's actually done me a favour as she's exposed an inner weakness, an insecurity that I was never aware I had. I'm truly introspecting myself now and am learning day by day, yet had this have not happened, i'd probably have never been at this stage in my life.

It's a huge chapter and one i'm going to grasp to make myself a stronger person. I owe you guys a huge amount of gratitude for that, you woke me up and stuck a handful of Colombian coffee up my nose. I truly thank you for that.

There wasn't need for recordings of the visit to the kids, I just focused on them and had a great time with them. She was very distant and kept out of the way (this is due to me recently exposing her lies). I left as soon as the children went to bed. I was polite, courteous, and just walked out.

She called me today at work to ostensibly talk about our eldest child. She went on for about five minutes, to which I listened and agreed to take the actions discussed in respect of our child. I then thanked her and closed the call. She went humble and quiet as I said goodbye, playing the hurt victim who needs me. I wasn't having any of it, the b!tch is history. I said my goodbyes and put the phone down.

I'm aware that she'll likely up the tempo in a desperate attempt to win control again, playing all sorts of needy games, but my path is really gaining strength now.

I have read a fair few parts of the DJ bible and have found it interesting. I'm not so bothered about the PUA tips as i'm already quite confident in my ability to game women, but reading material on changing to an Alpha mindset, having self respect etc is of huge interest. If anyone can point me in the direction of some quality threads, i'd be grateful.

All the best

Aim

 

[5string]

AIM. I think it's safe to say that all of us are in your corner on this one. Please keep us updated. We wish you the very best in your new life.