How To Replace Your Girlfriend's Girlfriends and "Benevolent Isolation"

[Jeffst1980]

There is no denying that certain environmental factors are going to affect the strength of your LTR. There are obvious, quantifiable factors like financial status, as well as less tangible, qualitative factors such as external social pressures. We all know the dangers of the "orbiter AFC" or the suddenly materializing "male friend," but a more insidious and common threat manifests itself as "HER GIRLFRIENDS."

A modern-day woman's social circle is likely to include several women that are very dissatisfied with their love life. Statistically speaking, this is a near certainty; and whether it is a bitter, "perpetually single" lady or an unhappily married woman, their hidden motive is usually the same: To drag your girlfriend with them.

A "girl's night out," therefore, becomes a night of RSD "boyfriend destroyer" patterns. The more socially intelligent of these Debby Downers will operate solely in innocuous sounding statements teeming with reverse psychology:

"I'm so happy that you've found TRUE LOVE!! I bet you two NEVER fight!!"

"How's your PERFECT boyfriend?? I bet you two will get married!"

The less respectful will engage in conscious exclusion:

"That cute guy was checking you out!! Oh--but you have a boyfriend, never mind."

"Those guys were fun--let's go to [venue change] with them. You don't mind tagging along as the third wheel, right?"

Then, of course, the s#it hits the fan when you and your GF have a fight and she chooses to confide in them:

"Who does he think he is?? You should break up with him RIGHT NOW!"

"You should drop him, I have a friend I'm DYING to fix you up with!"


Needless to say, this is a very negative influence that has NOTHING to do with you, and it is especially harmful if your GF is a "follower." But unfortunately, it is not acceptable for you to outright forbid your GF to associate with them.

You CAN, however, get her to view them in a different light, and the trick to doing this is to actually REPLACE them.

The dangers of becoming an "emotional tampon" before intimacy are stated very clearly on this site, and I assume everyone is aware of them. However, the game changes slightly in an LTR. It's not enough to be alpha; you also have to forge an emotional bond. Otherwise, the emotional distance between you two will open the door for her girlfriends to manipulate her thinking.

It becomes important, then, to ALLOW your girlfriend to confide in you. THIS is how trust is built; she must feel SAFE to open up to you. If she's going through a rough time with work/family/friends, you can not just tell her to "suck it up;" you must demonstrate that you're on her side and willing to listen.

Then, once trust is established, you must selectively REWARD her for NOT behaving like her bitter, unstable girlfriends. Let her know how UNATTRACTIVE their behavior is in your eyes, and, rather than bash them, talk about how SORRY you and her should feel for them. In other words, you must lead her to reframe her group dynamic in a way that places HER as the "alpha," and her girlfriends as jealous "betas." This will allow their behavior to become transparent.

This also allows her to reach her OWN conclusion about her friends without any ultimatums, whining, etc. on your part. It also serves to establish YOU as her primary confidant--not her girlfriends, not another male friend. This, combined with physical intimacy and alpha traits, makes you IRREPLACEABLE.

"Benevolent Isolation"


Maintaining an LTR consists largely of minimizing the damage done from outside factors while remaining congruent to personality that initially attracted her; no small wonder it's difficult in this day in age. Social networking sites are designed for AW-ing, the media pushes the "single gal" lifestyle upon its constituency, and expectations for marriage are dictated by Disney movies.

The way around this is what I'll term, "benevolent isolation." The idea is simply to lead your woman away from these harmful stressors and replace them with value-giving interactions. This is nothing new, and many examples abound on this site.

It is essentially what corporation do when they create a "culture" in their workplace--they aim to INSPIRE their workers to adopt their vision as their own.

The time to act is relatively early on in a relationship, when her interest level and thus compliancy is at its peak. This is the time to suggest your most irrational-seeming ideas:

"Let's take a trip to [remote location]. You will love it. We'll leave tomorrow."
"Call your girlfriend and cancel your plans for tonight. I have tickets to an amazing show and I want you to come with me."
"Why don't we quit all those networking sites and live more simply?"

You want to create a unique CULTURE in your LTR that exists independent of the ordinary world. The aim is to replace her (and thereby your) old, comfortable habits and friends with "healthier" ones. Eliminate all the negative influences on your LTR before they have a chance to take root.

This is YOUR chance to be CEO and have your GF adopt YOUR vision.

Having a girl with high interest level is like receiving 3 wishes from a genie. Ask and you shall receive.

If you're wise, your wishes will be to create an environment for your LTR AWAY from the stresses and dysfunction of modern society, and return to traditional values.

It is crucial that you move SLOW following the initial attraction stage and delay exclusivity until she brings it up due to high interest level. Otherwise, you'll never get the kind of compliance you need.

If you don't act, the window will close once infatuation wears off, and her typical, conditioned beliefs will prevail.

A person marooned on a desert island with no human contact will eventually regress to an animal-like state. THAT is how powerful our environment impacts us. So it shall be with gender relations in the 21st century; create your own environment or be subject to the trends and tides of an increasingly chaotic world.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

This is DJ Bible "LTR Section" material.

Good Show!

 

[#41]

Instinctively, this sounds like a quick way to a clingy girlfriend and possible resentment down the road when she inevitably decides that her lack of female friends is your fault.

 

[ChumpNoMore]

I see some insight...

However I don't think you want to replace all her friends, you do defintiely want to indirectly marginalize the slutty, bitter and downer ones. Techniques anyone?

 

[jophil28]

I see some insight...

However I don't think you want to replace all her friends, you do defintiely want to indirectly marginalize the slutty, bitter and downer ones. Techniques anyone?

Jeff has opened up a topic which needs discussion.
I found that my "girl" ( and there have been many ) always struggled with how she apportioned her loyalty in regard to her girls and me.
Women tend to cut loyalty up into slices like a cake and give everyone a slice.
I tend to create a vertical structure .
Trouble usually follows eventually.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Instinctively, this sounds like a quick way to a clingy girlfriend and possible resentment down the road when she inevitably decides that her lack of female friends is your fault.

He didn't suggest eliminating them, the point is to lead her to become a leader among her girlfriends, so they are not in a position to lead her away from you.

 

[guru1000]

It's a good covert strategy but I think there is a deeper problem for those who need to deploy such tactics.

I have always found that in an exclusive relationship, the girl has always disowned her friends out of her own accord. When a girl has high IL in you, she will naturally WANT to spend all her time with you. The fact remains, Interest Level is the backbone of the relationship. If her IL is low, then she will initiate "Girls Night Out" more often. This should be your exit cue for no other reason than the context being compromised.

Jeff brings up great points and lays it out in a concrete format. However, I have to say I have never encountered such resistance with the GNO only because I am selective in who I choose to be exclusive with. But what is of utmost importance is how you respond to a damaged frame.

Let us not forget that if a girl merits your exclusivity, you should impose your boundaries so she has a clear unequivocal understanding of your expectations. Although this brings us to another subject altogether, it is important to understand that overt expressed boundaries is necessary for her accountability. If she then pulls the GNO after your expectations were clearly expressed, she has covertly made you aware of her sinking IL. You respond to this by walking away.

Some men here might find this to be a little too rough or shame it as insecure or controlling. But ideally, it is your choice how you run your ship. What truly matters is how you run your ship when your crew is not compliant.

 

[Jeffst1980]

It's a good covert strategy but I think there is a deeper problem for those who need to deploy such tactics.

I have always found that in an exclusive relationship, the girl has always disowned her friends out of her own accord. When a girl has high IL in you, she will naturally WANT to spend all her time with you. The fact remains, Interest Level is the backbone of the relationship. If her IL is low, then she will initiate "Girls Night Out" more often. This should be your exit cue for no other reason than the context being compromised.

Jeff brings up great points and lays it out in a concrete format. However, I have to say I have never encountered such resistance with the GNO only because I am selective in who I choose to be exclusive with. But what is of utmost importance is how you respond to a damaged frame.

Let us not forget that if a girl merits your exclusivity, you should impose your boundaries so she has a clear unequivocal understanding of your expectations. Although this brings us to another subject altogether, it is important to understand that overt expressed boundaries is necessary for her accountability. If she then pulls the GNO after your expectations were clearly expressed, she has covertly made you aware of her sinking IL. You respond to this by walking away.

Some men here might find this to be a little too rough or shame it as insecure or controlling. But ideally, it is your choice how you run your ship. What truly matters is how you run your ship when your crew is not compliant.

This is completely true, and normally I wouldn't even suggest wasting one's time with a girl that needed such conditioning. There are plenty of girls that do not follow the example of unstable women or even associate with them, and these women often instinctively understand the boundaries in an LTR without any communication, covert or otherwise. As always, I consider them the only LTR-worthy girls.

But, my aim here was to circumvent the "quality woman" debate and approach the issue of boundaries and accountability from the opposite direction--one that places responsibility on the man rather than the woman. After all, we all can admit to breaking our own rules here now and again by not applying a rigorous enough filter to our prospects.

In light of this, what I'm suggesting is not to make a h0 into a housewife, but to make an otherwise reasonable woman with lousy friends into LTR-material. It won't work with your typical club slvt, to be sure, but it may be effective with well-intentioned younger girls that do not yet possess the maturity to understand the natural ebb and flow of a relationship and are still heavily influenced by their peer group. Dating women under the age of 24 is difficult for these very reasons. The guys that manage to hang on to younger women through these turbulent times usually possess such a strong, compelling frame that branch swinging is never a option.

 

[Señor Fingers]

Word Jeff

It all comes down to leadership - a good leader does not need to twist anyone's arm - people will follow him of their own accord, some even unaware that they are following because he has their best interests in mind too.

Ultimately there is no better incentive for a girl to stay in your life than knowing you are good for her. You know things are going well when you don't even need to worry about her friends pulling her away cause they are too busy letting her know how lucky she is, and how HOT you are. Anyone who says otherwise will come of as a hater, especially if its evident that the relationship is mutually positive and uplifting.

What is interesting to me is just how RARE this is, and what an impression it makes when you know how to "treat em like a lady". Make a woman feel not only beautiful but significant, and she will NEVER forget you. In fact you will become the yardstick by which she measures other men - YEARS will pass and still she will still carry a flame for you, a small glimmer of hope that somehow you will be united again.

When your love operates on such a high and timeless level - no one can deny its sun-like brilliance. Even the envious and the lost bask in such heat!

It's too bad most people only care about themselves, and will never know the fulfillment of sharing, and spreading all the things that bring them joy.

The world would be a VERY different place if we all did that.

 

[ChumpNoMore]

Well, let's try a bench racing session then. A true DJ always has to manage his relationship, so to speak.

Assuming you've done suitable screening and the girl you are with has LTR/GF potential - how do you minimize or mitigate the effects of a friend that is slutty, jealous, has misandry issues, or is just plain a poisoner (woe is me, and how DARE anyone be happier)?

As we know, most women' s friendships, especially the younger ones we espouse pursuing here, are more wide and more superficial than the friends a DJ keeps, so for SURE she will have on or more of the aforementioned LTR destroying mines floating close in the water.

As well, being ostracized from her social clutch is one of her worst fears, so tread carefully...

I would think that directly criticizing one of her friends would be immediately dismissed by her, rather, I think you need to question how the friend behaves, treats people, and the choices she has made... Indirectly plant the seed so to speak?

Example. GF has friend who's a raging slut and always pressuring/shaming your GF into a GNO. Now I'm not against a GNO, (I enjoy my BNO's), but you know the friend is bad company and this GNO will be a bad scene... GNO's with the rght group of her friends should be acceptable.

So, telling your GF "No" to the GNO and "She's such a raging slut" won't fly. I think a better approach is to say "Oh, really she wants to go out again? Seems she does this quite often... She sure seems to go though men quite quickly huh? Wonder why... Hmm... Oh well never mind. No biggie..."

Alternatives?

 

[slaog]

Heres a question - do quality women have slvtty friends? Not really in my opinion. As they say, you can tell alot about somebody by the company they keep.

 

[Heretolearn]

good thread, thanks

I have noticed girls do the exact same strategy to friends and myself even. This strategy does create dependence though. Is that the sort of relationship we wish to lead ourselves to? What happens when the girl cannot get her usual fix with us? More outlandish behaviour than a normal range due to the dependence created?

Its a very tough issue and well raised. thanks

 

[Jeffst1980]

good thread, thanks

I have noticed girls do the exact same strategy to friends and myself even. This strategy does create dependence though. Is that the sort of relationship we wish to lead ourselves to? What happens when the girl cannot get her usual fix with us? More outlandish behaviour than a normal range due to the dependence created?

Its a very tough issue and well raised. thanks

There needs to be a level of dependence but not absurdly so. She should depend on you for strength, leadership, and support. She should still have a life outside of the relationship, but she should value the bond you two have above all others. That means no behaving like a single girl when you aren't around.

The problems come when you take a laissez-faire attitude in an effort to demonstrate your confidence in the relationship and not be seen as "controlling." There are guys that allow their gf's to go clubbing, flirt with other guys, and dance provocatively because they "trust" them--unfortunately, experience usually is not kind to these guys. Blind trust turns into a license to explore, and weakens any bond you may have because it demonstrates that you don't care one way or another. That's great when you first start dating, but it is alarming in an LTR. If you make a girl your girlfriend, you should value her enough to CARE what she does.

It's easy to associate dependence with clingy-ness, but the fact remains that she must depend on you for SOMETHING in order for you to remain irreplaceable. The best bet is to maintain an active social life and bring her into it, THROUGH you--this way, you can pull her away from the sketchy orbiters and manipulative girlfriends that way be present in her world.

 

[squirrels]

If her "slvtty girlfriends" convince her to cheat, chances are she was already dissatisfied with you and just waiting for someone to morally approve the indiscretions she was considering anyway.

In most cases, her friends don't plant the "cheat seed", they just give it a well-nurtured environment in which to sprout and blossom.

That "emotional bond" isn't something you should have to FORGE as a means of eliminating her friends...that should develop as part of your interaction with your girl. Else you don't really have a "relationship" at all...long-term or otherwise.

You shouldn't have to use pop-psychology to manipulate her to drop those one or two friends who get her into trouble...she should want to distance herself from them anyway if she is TRULY into you as much as you think. And if she doesn't want to, then you can either be a possessive controlling d!ckwad, or you can do the "mature" thing and find yourself another girl.

And if the majority of her friends are "trouble", maybe you should consider what her taste in friends is telling you about her, instead of ignoring that because you're "in love".

This "Mature Man/LTR" crap cracks me up sometimes. "Oh, were MATURE now! We HAVE to use these chumpish passive-aggressive tactics because we're MATURE men and we're in 'LTRs'. It's not enough to just be confident and masculine any more!"

It sounds sometimes like I'm reading the male version of one of those magazines you see in the checkout counter. "27 ways to please your woman!" "What she REALLY means when she says..." "How to tell if she's cheating!" Balls.

But whatever works for you. If you need to "isolate" your girl to keep her from cheating and you don't see a problem with that, more power.

 

[STR8UP]

If her "slvtty girlfriends" convince her to cheat, chances are she was already dissatisfied with you and just waiting for someone to morally approve the indiscretions she was considering anyway.

In most cases, her friends don't plant the "cheat seed", they just give it a well-nurtured environment in which to sprout and blossom.

That "emotional bond" isn't something you should have to FORGE as a means of eliminating her friends...that should develop as part of your interaction with your girl. Else you don't really have a "relationship" at all...long-term or otherwise.

You shouldn't have to use pop-psychology to manipulate her to drop those one or two friends who get her into trouble...she should want to distance herself from them anyway if she is TRULY into you as much as you think. And if she doesn't want to, then you can either be a possessive controlling d!ckwad, or you can do the "mature" thing and find yourself another girl.

And if the majority of her friends are "trouble", maybe you should consider what her taste in friends is telling you about her, instead of ignoring that because you're "in love".

This "Mature Man/LTR" crap cracks me up sometimes. "Oh, were MATURE now! We HAVE to use these chumpish passive-aggressive tactics because we're MATURE men and we're in 'LTRs'. It's not enough to just be confident and masculine any more!"

It sounds sometimes like I'm reading the male version of one of those magazines you see in the checkout counter. "27 ways to please your woman!" "What she REALLY means when she says..." "How to tell if she's cheating!" Balls.

But whatever works for you. If you need to "isolate" your girl to keep her from cheating and you don't see a problem with that, more power.

Jeff has a point about chicks having sh!tty friends. Almost all of my g/f's in the past had friends that for the life of me I couldn't figure out why they would even want to be around them. H0bags, young and immature, trailer trashy, uber b!tches, you name it. Can't really think of one off the top of my head who had a best friend that I actually liked.

I agree with you though about not needing to "isolate" your chick from these types of people. She's gonna do what she's gonna do. Your job as a man is to set and maintain the masculine frame. That's all you really CAN do.

Chicks are in one of three modes at any given time, and it has little to do with their friends.

Mode 1- Won't cheat. Totally, head over heel infatuated with you. This phase is usually the initial 3-6 months of a relationship, but if you do your job it can last longer.

Mode 2- Open to the possibility of cheating. This is where MOST women are at any given time. The right situation with the right guy and it's a done deal.

Mode 3- Actively looking to cheat. Most men would be utterly shocked to know how many women are in this phase. She's gonna do it, it's not a matter of "if" but a matter of "when".

So yea, a chick's friends can put her in a situation that might facilitate her stepping out, but the reality is that she is more likely to cheat with a coworker or someone from her social circle than a random dude at a club (unless she's in category #3).

You can't lock your chick in a closet, but you can control her mind. Concentrate on keeping her in Mode #1 by maintaining YOUR value.

 

[PokerStar]

why must relationships be so complicated?

 

[Jeffst1980]

That "emotional bond" isn't something you should have to FORGE as a means of eliminating her friends...that should develop as part of your interaction with your girl. Else you don't really have a "relationship" at all...long-term or otherwise.

You shouldn't have to use pop-psychology to manipulate her to drop those one or two friends who get her into trouble...she should want to distance herself from them anyway if she is TRULY into you as much as you think. And if she doesn't want to, then you can either be a possessive controlling d!ckwad, or you can do the "mature" thing and find yourself another girl.

Nobody's arguing with you on this. Where did I write either of those things?


There's nothing passive aggressive about taking the lead in a relationship and bringing a girl into YOUR world. It's not about being controlling; it's about giving her a REASON to distance herself from lousy friends.

Young, attractive girls--even ones with good morals--are STILL faced with a barrage of distractions and often aren't yet mature enough to cut out harmful people from their lives. I'm fully in the "quality women exist" camp, but I will readily acknowledge that the current social landscape is capable of corrupting even the purest among them. Your peer group exerts a profound influence on your beliefs and actions in your early 20's, and girls of that age are often naive enough to trust those with less than honorable intentions. Anyone who has recently dated a woman 18-22 can attest that they are incredibly frustrating to reason with because of a lack of life experience.

Sure, detailing these things sounds a bit like reading a women's magazine, but c'mon man...we're on an internet forum talking about attracting women. Let's drop the pretensions that any of us are lesser men for trying to figure out strategies that work.

 

[ChumpNoMore]

Solid insight Jeff.

Bump for anyone with input on techniques to minimize or mitigate the impacts of her less than ideal friends/acquaintances, such as the slut, the misandrist, and the poisoner.

 

[Poonani Maker]

Solid insight Jeff.

Bump for anyone with input on techniques to minimize or mitigate the impacts of her less than ideal friends/acquaintances, such as the slut, the misandrist, and the poisoner.

Buy a strip of land in Wyoming, move her out there, lock her up in the house, and only let her milk the cows/tend the horses. I'm serious, there are guys in their 40s and 50s currently doing this.

If the radio or the "news" gets ahold of this being done, then it becomes an issue and is plastered on the radio/tv waves.

I agree with this whole topic. The woman (you date), these days, is susceptible to SO much pricking/tickling of her ears from her fvcked up friends, that ruin/implant your chances with her. This has been happening to Me. Even the "purest" most traditional girls are vulnerable to these lies spread about, by their friends or associates.

The funny thing is, it's Repeated over and over and over again, among hundreds of thousands of relationships across the westernized part of the planet, where women/men are more liberalized.

The cellphone has given women the out, and input, to derail a Perfect guy, Me, for herself, all because women just yap yap yap, every second second second, about nothing nothing nothing. They just fill time with senseless yapping on the cellphone. I DON'T get it, as a male.

Why must they always yap? Is it because they're always nervous (i.e. bloody period)? Or because they "feel safe" with the cellphone pinned to their ear? Is cellphone constant blabbering a sense-of-security mechanism? They can yell for help if attacked because they already got the cellphone on pinned up against their ear?

 

[jophil28]

I have never met, dated or fuked a woman in the past 30 years who was willing to demote or confront one of her destructive girlfriends.
Women seem to try to preserve relationships with other women at all costs, even when those relationships are clearly unhealthy.
Women are ready and willing to criticise /dump a guy for what are really trivial reasons, but will tolerate the most evil behavior from their girls .

I never really understood why either.