How to keep cool? Semi-flakes and reschedules.

[R.C]

I'm dating a girl for about 1 month and I fvcking love her. Not literally, but you get the point. I genuinely enjoy spending time with her. We're a good match for each-other. And we both have busy lives. And that's the problem.

She flaked a couple of times in the past but here's an example:


Here's a text snippet from last Thursday, we had a date planed a few days in advance:

Me: You took your laptop home again didn't you?
Her: Yeah, I hate this project already
Me: Well your still paying for my drink tonight. Don't think you're pitying yourself out of that
Her: haha. I really can't tonight though, I have to finish this damn task
Her: But I'm free tomorrow night
Me: Yeah, but I'm not
Her: I'm free Saturday night too then.
Me: We'll see what we can do


So Saturday comes along:

Me: Yo, half-cute girl. You available tonight?
Her: depends
Her: half or very
Me: Hah. Ok, you've earned it. Very.
Her: i'm available then
Her: but only later tonight cuz I have some things to do
Me: It's fine, I'm busy until around 21:30. So 22?
Her: i don't know because I have a birthday party to attend at 19 and don't know how long it will last
Me: A'right, give me a call when you're done and we'll see what we can do.
She then texts me at 21:
Her: Can't make it tonight. Coffee at your place tomorrow afternoon?
Me (at about 1 am): Sure. See you at my place tomorrow.

Couple similar situations arose in the past before, but to be fair here when flakes occurred she always warned me of that possibility beforehand as in the example above and always offered a reschedule. It's not like she said a solid yes and then eventually flake out of the blue.

It bothers me though. The point of making plans days in advance is to clear your schedule. We both have busy lives and I value my time. Anyway, she came by Sunday and we agreed on going out tonight. Because of that, I refused an invitation to our regular football games, turned down a friend for drinks and another that was throwing a party at his place.
Talked to her this morning and she seemed swamped at work. Which is fine, we both work as IT devs and I know how it is. I said it's ok as I was gonna see her tonight anyway and mentioned I will give her a call once I get off of work. She had no objection and responded well.

Maybe I'm getting paranoid, but I have a feeling she'll somehow manage to flake and reschedule. Again. She's on some fvcked up project, working overtime every day and working weekends to top it off too. So I'm trying to be reasonable here, but then again it's a battle between my reason and my standards in the sense that I want to see her even if it's only gonna be tomorrow, but I don't want this to become a habit at the same time.

I'd feel really stupid about myself tonight if I'll end up having a beer and playing video games with my room-mate again.

Should I just chill the fvck out? what do you guys think?

 

[SHChamp]

First, don't think too much about what to do, how to do it and when, trying to force game is just going to backfire on you.

Second, her giving you a counter-offer after a flake is a sign of Internet, but medium level of interest. You don't want that. If you keep accepting the fact that she is putting you second to everything else, you will always stay second place in every other aspect of her life. Why? Because you accepted this and instead act as if any time she gives you is a blessing. She should value her time with you, not the other way around.

Right now, you are acting like a chump. Her not being able to come because of a big project, okay, I'd pass that off to logistics. However, the fact she flaked on you on plans that was 3 hours away from the 'birthday party' shows that you aren't interesting or attractive enough for her to cut the party a bit short so she could see you. Nah, instead, you accepted her flake again, again and again. That's the basis of your interaction with her, she sees you on HER terms and not yours.

Your time is more precious than that. Never, NEVER skip your life for her. Never cancel other plans so you can see her, you have a life of your own. She needs to adjust to you, not the other way around. This, again, just shows that you are placing her value way above yours.

Pull back. Go ghost for a little while and focus on your own life, your own hobbies and ambitions. If she is interested enough, she'll contact you and then you make plans on YOUR terms. If she flakes again, next.

 

[Bingo-Player]

Ok a couple of questions

1) Have you banged her ?
2) What exactly do you know about her social life/friends ?
3) How attractive is she ? .....and i don’t just mean how attractive do you find her...... i mean how attractive is she perceived by everyone else


I feel there are three possible factors at play here from her POV

1) She has a hardcoded routine and doesn’t see you as valuable enough to alter it

2) She is stressed out and wants things to slow down between you whilst she sorts herself out

3) She has low interest and is figuring out how to let you down gently

Whatever the case something doesn’t smell right .....when a girl likes you and wants to spend time with you nothing is more important to her , she will move mountains to see you let alone a flimsy working schedule

Im sorry but no single person is that busy 7 days a week

 

[pyros]

In my opinion this is nothing critical to worry about.

Anyway, the thing is that she has less interest than you. As you said, you've cancelled plans a few times to see her, but she hasn't done the same. Her other plans come first, and then you.

If you want to fix this, you should stop agreing with her when she tells you something along these lines:

you: so, let's meet tonight at 22?
her: I have X, so I am not sure, I'll call you later
you: never mind, I'll see you some other time. Have fun!
instead of:
you: ok, call me later (and then she leaves you hanging...)

And then you let her initiate. With luck she will get the point after you do this a few times.

 

[R.C]

In my opinion this is nothing critical to worry about.

Anyway, the thing is that she has less interest than you. As you said, you've cancelled plans a few times to see her, but she hasn't done the same. Her other plans come first, and then you.

If you want to fix this, you should stop agreing with her when she tells you something along these lines:

you: so, let's meet tonight at 22?
her: I have X, so I am not sure, I'll call you later
you: never mind, I'll see you some other time. Have fun!
instead of:
you: ok, call me later (and then she leaves you hanging...)

And then you let her initiate. With luck she will get the point after you do this a few times.

I never canceled plans. I made plans with her and as a result refused people that later invited me places. I'd never cancel already made plans to see her. Her reschedules however were on days when I actually had no prior plans.

But yeah, you're not wrong with the never mind thing.

 

[R.C]

I get where you guys are coming from but I guess I didn't provide enough info.

Ok a couple of questions

1) Have you banged her ?
2) What exactly do you know about her social life/friends ?
3) How attractive is she ? .....and i don’t just mean how attractive do you find her...... i mean how attractive is she perceived by everyone else

1) Not yet. She wanted to Sunday but was on her period.
2) I know them, she invited me out with them on several occasions. I attended a few. Her friends and best girlfriends loved me and her brother was buying me drinks by the end of the night.
3) Very. She's usually chased by dudes with watches more expensive than my entire net worth. Not that I really care about that. I'm confident in who I am and don't see them as a threat.

I feel there are three possible factors at play here from her POV

1) She has a hardcoded routine and doesn’t see you as valuable enough to alter it

2) She is stressed out and wants things to slow down between you whilst she sorts herself out

3) She has low interest and is figuring out how to let you down gently

Whatever the case something doesn’t smell right .....when a girl likes you and wants to spend time with you nothing is more important to her , she will move mountains to see you let alone a flimsy working schedule

1) I don't think that's the case.
2) Doubt it. If anything she wants them to go further.
3) I have a different opinion.

Im sorry but no single person is that busy 7 days a week

Yea, ofcourse. We see each other about twice / week or so, but sometimes what I've described in the OP will occur.

Anyway, we have some common friends. She knows I'm "good with women". When I'm with her she's very affectionate and enthusiastic. As of late she is trying more and more to get info out of me as to whether or not I'm seeing other girls, and just Sunday she was hinting towards whether or not what "we have" is relevant to me.

If anything I thinks she's a bit insecure because I never really validated her to any degree. I like her a lot more than she's aware of, so to speak.

 

[Zion]

I think you're doing fine. But only you can truly know that.

If she indeed is showing high interest when you're together, then that is what you take at face value. Is she genuinely enjoying the time you spend together? yes? good.

I think we're a bit too used to assume the worst from these kind of posts and we can't really be blamed with the amount of sh!t we see around here on a daily basis.

Maybe this really is a sh!t period for her and she's doing the best she can. Look at the text conversation you posted. She said she was free on Friday. You denied. She then made a double offer for Saturday. That sh!t right there is real.

I get the "quality woman" feeling here. If you come across as a confident high value dude she will want to know she means something to you before fvcking you, and that she's not just another side-girl. Because that is her only shot at keeping you around afterwards. Assuming you want that. Because she sure as hell seems to.

Although yeah, you don't want this to become a habit. You said no before, it's ok to do it again.


PS: Great job with her friends, but even more so with the brother. That will score high for you.

 

[R.C]

I think you're doing fine. But only you can truly know that.

If she indeed is showing high interest when you're together, then that is what you take at face value. Is she genuinely enjoying the time you spend together? yes? good.

I think we're a bit too used to assume the worst from these kind of posts and we can't really be blamed with the amount of sh!t we see around here on a daily basis.

Maybe this really is a sh!t period for her and she's doing the best she can. Look at the text conversation you posted. She said she was free on Friday. You denied. She then made a double offer for Saturday. That sh!t right there is real.

I get the "quality woman" feeling here. If you come across as a confident high value dude she will want to know she means something to you before fvcking you, and that she's not just another side-girl. Because that is her only shot at keeping you around afterwards. Assuming you want that. Because she sure as hell seems to.

Although yeah, you don't want this to become a habit. You said no before, it's ok to do it again.


PS: Great job with her friends, but even more so with the brother. That will score high for you.

The sh1t period at work is legit. I have a friend that works with her. He even asked me why she's working ridiculous hours of late.

I'll see what happens tonight, I have a stupid habit of getting in my head sometimes and then things turn out much better than expected. I'm probably doing it again.

 

[jurry]

Seems like its going pretty well, the old adage still applies though: "if you have to write a thread about her you already lost". Not that I think you "lost", but just overthinking and perhaps a bit over invested.

Relax, keep other options available, dont make her the center of your focus.

 

[R.C]

Seems like its going pretty well, the old adage still applies though: "if you have to write a thread about her you already lost". Not that I think you "lost", but just overthinking and perhaps a bit over invested.

Relax, keep other options available, dont make her the center of your focus.

Yeah, true. Right you are.

 

[Stugots26]

OP, to be clear, what you're calling "plans" are not PLANS.

PLANS mean a mutually understood, definite date, time, and place. Meaning you're putting it down on your calendar, you understand it as confirmed, and she's putting it down on her calendar, and she understands it as confirmed, and it will happen unless she gets in touch with you to cancel. Ultimately, you want her getting in touch with you on the day of to make sure YOU haven't forgotten.

She has to send some sign that she understands that the plans are confirmed when they are made. Usually I get a "Ok sounds good."

If you set a time, date, and place based on her schedule and she does not respond, the plans are not confirmed and consider yourself free, because she's considering herself free.

A woman can and will exploit any room for misunderstanding about the non-definiteness or unconfirmed nature of plans if she wants wiggle room to get out of it. Guaranteed. The more upfront, concrete, and clear you are, the less room she has to flake, make excuses, or say "I thought you meant." Doesn't mean she won't still try to wiggle or waffle, but you've got the benefit of clear language in your favor to make it harder for her.

What you're doing is making loose plans with no confirmations, so she's going to consider them a "maybe" because she's hoping or expecting that you still consider them a "maybe" so that she has the option to bail.

Here's what I do - and it's all by text (I'm a lawyer, so I want a written transcript on both of our phones, so short of her phone breaking or her losing her phone, she knows what the plans are and can recall them at will):

1. Ask when she's free
2. Find an opening a few days out that works for YOUR schedule
3. Set a definite time, date, and place, and say "if anything comes up let me know, otherwise I'll see you there"
4. Wait for a response of confirmation

If she tries to get you to confirm the day of, you need to do the takeaway, and say something like, "It sounds like you're not too sure of your schedule, so let's just do this another time, because I prefer to make definite plans in advance." She'll either backpedal and confirm, or agree with you, which is another gauge of her interest level.

 

[Suspens]

I'm dating a girl for about 1 month and I fvcking love her.

Fail.

Her: i don't know because I have a birthday party to attend at 19 and don't know how long it will last
Me: A'right, give me a call when you're done and we'll see what we can do.

Bad response.

R.C: Ok we will reschedule later

 

[skinnyguy]

It's been one month and you already have oneitis?

I know where you're coming from. If a hot girl gives you attention you get attached quick. Been there done that.

You need to start seeing other women. The best possible scenario is if she sees you out and about with an HB 9. She can't say anything because you guys aren't a couple. Yet she will be boiling over.


Right now you're just too available. Make her want it, bad.

 

[Rainman4707]

Pull back a little. Is she really likes you she should be in touch.

If she dose'nt then start seeing other girls.

Think over the advice given here then decide what your going to do.

 

[nismo-4]

You're chasing because you care too much.

Drop back and let her come to you. If she don't, go out with another girl. Interested women won't confuse you.

 

[R.C]

What confuses me is that she's highly interested in person and then sh1t like that happens.

I have the feeling that she's looking for a relationship and has the impression that I'm not which isn't really true. That's probably my hamster spinning though.

I'll listen to the advice and pull back.