How to improve confidence?

[Magnatolia]

Hi All,

I am able to hold eye contact with a woman when I'm passing her, even if she holds my eye until I've gone past which is an improvement on previous times.

Unfortunately I don't do anything else, it's not as if I'm telling myself not to do anything, I just don't. This makes it really frustrating because there is no particular issue that crops up at the time that I can concentrate my efforts on.

I'm deliberately holding attention with woman now, I just can't do anything else - smile, say hi, etc. If I actually see an attractive woman, I have thoughts such as 'she won't want me to talk to her', 'if she wants to talk, she'll do something/anything to let me know', or 'If I ask her a question, and she answers but doesn't try to make light talk, then she doesn't want to talk'. Absolute doozies aren't they?

Then there's the problem I have with simple things like asking a colleague (semi-attractive girl, no spark from me) to have lunch, it took me 10 minutes to get the courage (and yet, in my head it was like I 'knew' I would eventually ask her???) or the girl I worked with for a week and it took me 30 minutes to ask if she wanted to stay in contact after she left. Even though she said yes, I haven't heard from her since she left.

I also have a really bad habit of judging people's opinions of me way too early. Generally this only happens in they're attractive. A new colleague for example. I usually get the impression that they don't like me so I don't put in a lot of effort and then I realise later that my brain simply overanalysed. For example, if they don't smile at me straight away I imagine that they're scowling and relate this to myself.

Unfortunately my problems aren't only related to dating, I also have few friends. Probably because of the above issues. Off-hand I've got one friend who I only met because we were both early for a meeting one day and started talking. We've been emailing each other for a few months now - that's probably the longest email friendship I've had.

I think my over-analysis problem is caused not only from events in the past but the fact that I have hardly any friends - which I suppose my brain would mark the lack of results as a sign that the way I do things isn't good so I don't do it, therefore I don't get the results.

But, take a work situation where I've been 'forced' to communicate with someone, by force I mean for example I have to train a new person. I can generally handle it reasonably well. It's like I've got this built-in 'survival' mechanism. The girl I mentioned that I was working with for a week. She was on reception and I only had to sit with her for a day or two but I ended up sitting with her for the whole week because she was so interesting and we were both laughing a lot. It was the first time I've ever had a week-long conversation that went really well, and I never once questioned myself or got squeamish up until the point I asked to stay friends, as mentioned above.

I can handle chit-chat okay, it seems that if I want to take things further (lunch, hangout, etc) I get squeamish (maybe it has something to do with them having the power to say no. The other day I asked the girl to lunch and she said no. I immediately thought to myself 'I hope she doesn't think I was cracking onto her' and 'I hope I asked her the right way' (whatever the right way is). Then for the next couple of hours I watched her reactions to me to see if she was acting different (like if she thought I was interested in her, and didn't like that fact).

Well, that's enough rambling from me. Anyone who has the chance to read through this, your time is greatly appreciated.

I know the best solution would be to 'get over it and just do something' but the fact is I don't know what I actually need to 'get over'. If it's a pass-by and I simply stare, there's no real thoughts going through my head that would indicate why I can't do anything else, I guess it's to do with my problem of advancing and to me going from staring to a smile is an advance, albeit a small one.

Please provide any ideas on what you recommend I do to get myself out of this rut.

Thanks heaps,
J

 

[theSpeculator]

How to improve confidence?

Only you can know how to do that. The only way you will is to 'just try.' If you don't have the will to change, you won't. If you saw Batman Begins, there is a line that goes, "Training is nothing, will is everything." Trust me there is a lot of truth in that one line. Sorry I don't have time to post. Go check out this thread and read "The Six Pillars Pillars of Self-Esteem."

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=96969

 

[Life-Trainee]

You're looking at the whole situation negatively.

Start thinking about things you wanna be able to do to and how to achieve them instead of the opposite, as you're doing.

Stop thinking that you need to "get over" something. That's a glass half-empty point of view.

Set goals and makes steps to achieveing the skills you need for reaching them.

 

[everywomanshero]

Listen, people are going to tell you to sit around doing NLP. EFT. TFT self-hypnosis. yadda yadda yadda.... and you know what? At the end of the day, you still won't have approached any women. You will still have zero results.

The only way is to just do it. 3 second rule. You see her DO NOT THINK. Just go in. Just walk up and say you're new in town and want to know where people hang out or ask where something is, then eject. That's a good way to start breaking the fear of approaching. Do not think before doing it. Also having a buddy go with you can help BUT don't use it as an excuse. Go alone if he can't go with you. Because you're going to eject it will lower the anxiety. Later you will switch to full approaches.

I also recommend picking up Mystery's ebook because you will spend hardly any time reading and lots of time actually approaching. Remember, at first all sets will probably go bad. After a time, the first 3-4 sets will go bad because you will be nervous and your voice will sound it. That's why it's so important to try to open at least 6 sets per outing. Anything less than that and you didn't even give yourself a chance. It's just practice, you can't really take their responses too serious. The only way to fail is to quit.

 

[Bourne]

To improve your self-confidence you must do things you are afraid of and fear of. Step out of your comfort zone and be uncomfortable and not pay attention to the result or the outcome but enjoy the process.

 

[Magnatolia]

Thanks for the posts guys.

@Everywomanshero - If I have a specific goal such as asking a question to a shop clerk, or even a woman on the street, I have no problem. I guess it's because I don't have to think of something else afterwards. I can just say thanks.

Well, I'll definitely take a look at those resources you posted and I'll take another shot.

Thanks
J

 

[LJC]

Ever seen "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray? He re-lives the same day over and over and over again. He keeps meeting the same people, keeps trying to score the same woman, fails, learns something and uses it in his routine the next time. Eventually, he gets to know her so well after all of the failed attempts that he can approach with no hesitation and make thier first drink together play out like they're "soul mates" with a million and one things in common.

Imagine having that ability, huh? You could say just about anything that popped into your head once that immunity sank in, because you know that you can just do it over if you don't like the results. But truth is that you actually DO have that immunity, just not with the same person over and over again. I can walk out my door right now and meet women all day long that know absolutely nothing about my past experiences with other women. I can drive 50 miles, park, walk up to a woman wearing nothing but my boxers and a box of Frosted Flakes as a hat, get shot down and laughed at, go home and still find hundreds of attractive women to approach that never even knew that happened.

The bottom line is that no matter how bad any situation with a woman or a potential new friend might play out, you always have another chance at a first impression with someone else. Always! There is no reason to fear the "what ifs" with any one woman that catches your eye in the street. You can stutter, you can drool on yourself, you can trip and fall face first into dog sh*t and it wouldn't matter, because the next one you approach won't have a clue about any of it. Stop looking at every opportunity to talk to anyone as your one and only chance to get it right, and you'll realize it's no big deal after all. You have an impunity with people in that regard. Nothing sticks. You can say something that makes you feel completely stupid the first time you speak to someone and it wont matter, because the supply of new people to meet never ends. A second chance at a first impression is usually only 10 feet away.

 

[ObieJuan]

I'm going to suggest exercise since it makes me feel sooo much better, healthy and confident in myself. Focus on always having a positive mindset and conversation will come naturally because your outlook on life revolves around making yourself happy. Just talk to random people, it doesn't matter who they are. You can limit yourself to females if you'd like, pick the UGs to start. I found it hard initially to talk to people because my life sucked...having a job that didn't want to lead me anywhere, not being able to quit my smoking addiction and having friends that didn't really seem to care really dragged down my confidence and mindset. I have since quit smoking, started started studying for an education that will take me places I've never been and even exercise regularly/eat better. If you can get to the point where you know you are great and nothing anyone says really make a difference then you will be free to explore your personality around women. I hope I can help a bit; I know my approach is different from others here on this board.

 

[DeadMC]

find what makes you happy. What makes you feel good about yourself. Goals you want to accomplish etc, and just do em. Read the bible, it is alot more detailed and is there for a reason.