How do I get over this?

[Hexagram]

Hey guys,

I was with this girl for about 8 years - she was moving away and said she needed 'space' etc. I cut her off completely and went straight to NC. She would try desperately to keep in touch(for her own ego), but I was pretty strong about it. This entire episode is what brought me here.

It was terrible initially, but its been a year since we broke it off now - and I've been working on myself - improved my career prospects,gotten physically fitter, and have become a lot more social. Been with different women since then - nothing serious, just ONS's etc. I would barely think about it and pretty much felt that I was over the whole thing.

A few days ago two friends of mine told me that she is now with someone else,and has been for a few months now. This has, for some reason, hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I've started going through these painful thought loops again, thinking about sh1t constantly. I know it sounds gay, but all these sh1tty memories are coming back to me and overall its just been a crappy last few days. I feel like I've seriously been pushed backwards in my recovery path.

I'm not sure what to do about this guys, and spinning other plates isn't really an option for sometime because I'm focusing on my next promotion and giving an important exam in the next few months. I feel like I'm slipping back into AFC mode

Any advice on how I can move past this?

 

[samspade]

First of all, tell your friends there's a moratorium on discussing the ex. You don't need to hear updates on her life. That's the point of NC.

Clearly you're not 100% over her. So stay the path and focus on your career, etc. for now. Believe it or not, it's okay to "feel" AFC from time to time as long as you acknowledge it and refuse to act on it. Recovering from a breakup always feels AFC because men just don't deal with emotions very well and are uncomfortable with feeling sad. That's my opinion, not a clinical one.

The news about your ex has set you back because she's crossed a Rubicon - she's found someone. Rationally you knew it would happen, but now she's officially not coming back to you.* Accept that, love where you're at, and enjoy the challenges ahead. Life is not one momentous victory after another. It's a series of plateaus. Stay the course.



*I don't get emotional over past homes/apartments, but whenever I move out, that last moment when the space is empty, I do one last sweep, then close and lock the doors - it feels so final and it makes me a little bummed. Like, "It's official: Somebody else will live here." That's kind of what you're going through, only times 100.

 

[MikeOck]

First of all, tell your friends there's a moratorium on discussing the ex. You don't need to hear updates on her life. That's the point of NC.

Agree. Your friends should not give you updates on her life, this is an important part of no contact.

What you are feeling now is normal, and when you come out from this setback you will have reached the final step in your recovery from her: Acceptance.