how do I defeat my negativity and self doubt? why I suffer-

[wise_mage]

hey guys, hope you are all doing great.

my problem is this: Im the kind of person who focuses on the empty side of the glass. I tend to notice the negative stuff far much more than the positive stuff in my life which ironically overwhelms the negative by a vast amount.
Suppose my life was a white wall but there where a few small dirty spots of black paint in it (which represent the negative aspects of my life). Well, the way I usually behave is that I entirely focus and obbsess over the black spots and totally dismiss the white as it was a given.
I am also the kind of person to whom the neighbors grass always seems greener. I am constantly comparing others and their achievments to my own and generally taking the importance out of mine and magnifying theirs and that gets me sad.
feeling I am going no where with my life doesnt help.
at times I feel like I am wasting all my time with this things.
I dont want to sound like I am whinning because I have a lot to be grateful for but I am just tired of not seeing results despite putting considerate effort into things.
Giving upo is not an option and never will be of course, that is not the way of a true man, but I just want to vent out my exhasperation for lack of results because of the following.

let me explain:
I work out nearly everyday yet I dont look slim enough and my stomach doesnt seem flat enough and I compare myself to others who look slim without having to do sh1t.

I play guitar everyday, yet I find myself unable to play the simplest of songs correctly while others play several instruments better, have different girlfriends constantly, have a known band, are slim, and have time for an active social life. I am not sure how they administer their time but I cant comprehend how they have time for all of that.

I am getting nowhere with girls despite my continous efforts.
get rejected and played for a fool all the time. been in sosuave for nearly 2 years, have read the bible,docs system, double ur dating and other books recomended here as well as learn from shows like dismissed the real world ands others where I study girls reactions as well as in real life. I apply what I have learned he best way I can.

You`d think Id have the upper hand cause I know more than the average guy but I dont. I get so much more rejected than the average guy. I havent had a girlfriend in over 3 years my friends.
that doesnt help my confidence either. I feel like women must be crazy. I am a great ****in catch. but there never seems to be attraction on their part.

once a girl I was trying to hook up with (one of my first cold approaches) told me that I was everything she wanted to be but was to lazy to be. what does that mean in ********?

the thing is I am constantly seeing my failures and dont notice my triumphs (if have any, but I guess I do, like needing to go to the gym everyday to feel good or forcing myself when I dont feel like it). but eventhough I have this constant need to improve myself,
I am getting nowhere. lately I have been angrier and maybe its the excersise testosterone but I dont like it.
I hate how I am played for a fool by women and >I write this with blurry eyes from incoming tears.

goddamnit, I dont call often, I dont reveal much about myself,
I dont tell them how I feel but rather show them, I am confident because I just know that someday itll work for me. I know I am someday going to date a girl that looks like alysson hannigan or tara reid (girls which represent the type of women I physically like the most) and that shees gonna think Im wonderful and is actually going to care about me.

my objective is not trying to bang thousands of girls, though it would be ok, but find that girl or several of those. and I know I have what it takes so I am confident. I might be negative ancd call myself a chump in private but in public I am the esscence of confindent because I know Im a ****in king. I am going to accomplish my dreams. I am going to get a great band and become a rockstar and get a great body and a great alysson hannigan lookalike girlfriend or several of them.

the thing is I dont feel, despite all the work, that any of this things are closer than before all the work started.
maybe Im not being patient. I dont know.
I just feel so lonely and my life feels so meaning less.
yeah, sure i am working for this things, and I plan to kepp on doing it till i get them, because winners never quit and quitters never win and I am a winner. but why am I searching for this things? in the faint hope that possesing them might help me validate myself and accept that I am indeed a talented musician and are found attractive by girls and am very attractive? why dont I believe this things eventhough the external world constantly confirms them? why am I never good enough fpr myself?
why cant I accept this things? why do I feel like I need the things I am putting my time into in order to see this?
why cant it be the truth with or without this things?
whats up with me guys? anyone been in a similar spot who can offer me advice. please. I really need it. I feel miserable a lot lately.

 

[davelmn2003]

In the same boat my friend. Just sitting around my own place all day, sometimes drinking. It's so darn boring. Try to meet a few girls but to no avail. I look so skinny (this is not just my own perception doing the trick, it is real!! I'm talking about 110 lbs! and I have lost weight--I used to be 125lbs 2 or 3 months ago, which was skinny already). Right now I feel so skinny that I'm even a bit weary of going outside. People would look at me and laugh inside. I saw a little boy, about 8 or 9 years old, and his wrists are thicker than mine! It's so pathetic...

Just hang in there man.

 

[ASav]

Don't put so much pressure on yourself mang! You're great in your own right. Take life seriously but don't expect everyone else too and just cut loose man. Maybe you need a vacation or some travel to another place. That always helps on the perspective. Don't be jealous or bitter just focus better on what you really love. You'll get where you want to go you just may not get there as fast as you would like (impatience) and you may not get there taking the road you thought you might (adaptability). Be conscious of these things and smile every once in a while. No, smile a lot!

 

[Beebo]

yeah wise. things have not been so well in my life.

the way i explain to people how i end up looking at things - but in the same sense using simply psycholgy is my life is like writing a term paper or something. Usually if someone does average, like 70 percent, most are glad they got such a good score. The other 30 percent does not matter that much. You can live with it and you spend more time thinking of the 70 and how maybe if u studied harder - maybe you would have got 80. But still that is 20 percent you simply dont care about.

Now if on the same test, you got 99 percent, all of a sudden your 99 really does not mean anything, the only thing that is your main focus is the one percent that got away. And that is what you beat yourself up over. Just that 1% which is nothing really, but because you could have had it all - and missed it by a small amount - it becomes that much larger.

I sometimes thing i have nothing to keep myself busy, take for example now, i am sitting here, dumb enough to believe that my gf who i have had problems with was going to call me back tonight like she said. No phonecall, nothing.

I was at the bar last night with my ex-gf and she showed me a guy who wanted to sleep with her a few weeks back - she did not cuz he stood naked in his bedroom, took down his pants to show her a small d1ck. She laughed out loud. So when he seen her he said to her - are you going to come back to my place and suck my **** or are you going to stay with that skinny **** all night??. That got to me. I work out every other day but all people think is that i am just slim. But it also makes me feel 'weak' cuz i would have liked to have gotten up and said something to that guy knowing that if something happened, i could handle myself. I got insulted and did nothing. But it makes the fire burn when i am not around anyone and i need to work out just a little harder or with more intensity, i think about that stuff.

I want to have the big house too. I want to be above average but what have i dont to get there? Nothing. I think about it and know i dont want to live a normal life and i want to be exceptional but i spend every day doing the same thing.

The only advice i can give is to only use outside influences good or bad to encourage and modivate you to get where you want to be. If you start living for other people then you will ultimately be unhappy. I can say that, but have a hard time doing it. I think i am mid 20s, not found what i want to do, dont live on my own yet - would not be ready to support a kid - i compare myself always to people who i think are better than me. The weird thing is too i have a friend who is 'worse' than me and seeing him makes me feel a bit better. I never tell him, nor do i see him only cuz of that, but when i leave his place - 26 and still lives with mom and dad - it makes me appriciate and love just what i have done.

Don't set the bar so high. I am working on this every day. My ex-gf who still loves me with all her heart tells me she does not care about that stuff and does not care if she lived with me in a small house cuz those things dont matter. She would be happy with me no matter where we were. Why is she is an ex?? I ask myself that question everyday i think of the sh1t that i am going through with my current gf.

Take it one day at a time and things will come together - they have to. They just do - anyone who experiences this crap just has to be able to taste that sweetness at the very end. It does not make that road easy now, so work towards getting to the end of the road and looking back at anyone and everyone who gave you a hard time and throw up that middle finger.

 

[squirrels]

You're asking us to change your perceptions for you? We can only show you the door...you have to walk through it.

You're aware that you focus on the negative...you're aware that this is a problem with your way of perceiving the world. The only thing you have left to understand is taht your perceptions are COMPLETELY UNDER YOUR CONTROL.

Failure is a mental construct. It's only as permanent as you want it to be. Be a man and take control of your life.

 

[StockTrader]

Here are some tips:

Ask yourself, what do I have to offer a woman? Write these reasons down and review them on a regular basis.

How can you start to habitually think in a postive way? Thinking negative and thinking positive are simply habits. There isn't a "true way to think". I've been on a rollercoaster. When I was 10-11-12, I was a really happy kid and socialized well. By the end of highschool, I was habitually negative. I could view the same people that I use to think of as positive, as negative now. Even though they didn't do anything to deserve it. The lense that I saw the world through colored everything negative.

Now it's back towards habitually positive. The way you view your life now isn't an absolute, written in stone.

Focus on what you want, not on what you don't want.

 

[wise_mage]

Originally posted by StockTrader
Here are some tips:

Ask yourself, what do I have to offer a woman? Write these reasons down and review them on a regular basis.


Focus on what you want, not on what you don't want.

thats going to be kinda hard. I dont really know what I can offer a woman. company? laughter? love? great orgasms? sure. all of this and more. but I tend to think its not really about what I can offer her but its more about wether or not she wants to recieve it from me or not, which isnt the case most times and wether she cares about having it. Im talking like 96% of the times here-

I dont understand the last line- what do u mean by not focusing on what I dont want. I dont do that. my thing is that I focus on things I have that I dont want (like ridiculous amounts of body hair) or on things I dont have (women for example). is that what u meant?

 

[Mr. Mystery]

Pick up a copy of "Psycho Cybernetics" - by Maxwell Maltz. It will cure you of all this.

Mr. Mystery

 

[wise_mage]

for example - I get so discouraged when I think of how hairy I am and start thinking about comments I have read here from girls like Hey Pretty who says, no girl wants an ape for a man. ukkk!
and how society thinks guys with hair on their ass or back or shoulders are disgusting. and being sorrounded by images of hairless men and a bunch of cosmo reading women who think the perfect male is without body hair. and being hairy is not even my fault. its not like being super fat (except thwe people who are that way and cant help it).

or the fact that Im only 5`7 another thing thats not my fault either and shorter than most men. and sourrounded by a bunch of women who want 6ft tall hairless models. and a socierty that has all sort of prejudices against short men. and I think of guys who grow a full beard but yet have hairless bodies or hair in all the right places. I grow a beard too but it has two hair twisters (I dont know if thats the corrdct term I am not american, but its when the hair grows like round and in the shae of a twister) which make it look kinda funny and have hair on my back neck houlders ass and so on.

I guess thos are two of the strongest of reasons why I feel so unconfident about being found attravctive by women. I cant imagine myself looking good ****ing a girl and the girl wanting to be ****ed by a guy with a hairy ass. movies and media taught us iguys asses are supposed to be hairless and she would be grossed out by it. just read what the women said in the hair removal post on the health forum. it suck being hairy. I hate it with all my heart.

 

[wise_mage]

Originally posted by Mr. Mystery
Pick up a copy of "Psycho Cybernetics" - by Maxwell Maltz. It will cure you of all this.

Mr. Mystery

whats it about? can I download it from kazza? I dont live in the united states so itd be pretty hard to get it here.

 

[Starman]

Wise..

You have a serious issue with self image/self esteem..that cant be adddressed by reading posts on this thread..let me give you some real direction that hopefully will help you

Changing your perception of life and self image is not an easy task..you have to FORCE FORCE FORCE your brain to start thinking differently..

In Psychology..they call these "cognitive distortions" about the reality of life..for some reason..your negative thinking about yourself serves SOME purpose..so you have clung to this type of thinking for some reason

Download Psycho-Cybernetics, or go spend $20 on half.com and get a book called "Self Esteem" By McKay

GET THE WORKBOOK too!

This is going to take a lot of hard work, an open mind and the committment to finally say "I Will NEVER think like the old way again!"

It took years and years of negatively viewing the world to shape what you are today..and reversing that will ALSO happen gradually

hope this helps..I read both those books..I used to be like you..they changed my life.

 

[00Kevin]

Ok I will call you all men because it does take a man to say some of the crap that you said, but some of you just don’t get it.

For a man, life is a bitter struggle. In fact his life is all about the struggle. So suck it up all of you!

You have find pleasure in how life shapes your soul and how your negative experiences make you strong. Look inside yourself not in the mirror.

When **** happens in your life take it all in and enjoy it. Try to find pleasure in how the pain of it is sculpting your inner self. If you do this correctly you will smile and feel good when you are injured. The pain of it will be so great that you will smile because you know that you are becoming stronger. For a man there is only a fine line between pain and pleasure.

When a woman rejects you, revel in the lesson learned and the pain endured.

When you lose your job and you can’t provide, pick yourself up and fight a vicious fight.

When your woman cheats on you or leaves you, collapse on the floor (as you should), endure the pain of it, and prepare to fight again.

There are many terrible things that will happen in your life. Just learn how to endure the pain of these events and derive pleasure from the pain. When you do this, a good woman (not a slut) will be able to sense this in you. The strength of your inner character will be noticed. When this happens you will attract your woman.

There is nothing more attractive to a woman then a man who enjoys and accepts his battle with life. Everyone has a different battle in life. Some are fat, bald, skinny, ugly, short, etc.. It really doesn't matter. This is your battle to fight. Don't be a ****en coward! Pick up you weapons and fight like a man! If you fight well, like a man then, your woman will spot you. If you were a woman wouldn't you expect your man to accept and fight the battle that life has forced on him. Why would you want to be in his arms if he hasn't?

A man does not strive to live a happy life like a woman does. He does not look for happiness in the arms of his women. He endures the pain of life and derives pleasure from the pain.

Life is the chisel by which a man is sculpted out of. Each time the chisel hits the stone a great pain will have to be endured. A mans inner self is the stone that he is made out of. Only at the end of his life will the sculpture will be complete.

 

[Starman]

Im curious , how do you derive pleasure from Pain?

 

[00Kevin]

Originally posted by Starman
Im curious , how do you derive pleasure from Pain?

When a real man encounters pain in his life all he has to do is understand how it is shaping him and making him stronger. This understanding will make him feel good. He will hurt inside but at the same time he will be thankful for the pain that he is suffering.

When you lift weights and endure the pain of it you become physically stronger. When you learn how to endure inner pain you become mentally stronger.

You will have to learn this lesson yourself to completly understand it.

 

[Starman]

Surely Pain is a part of life..and NO it is not pleasurable..

When you lift weights..the pain endurance isnt pleasurable..but the outcome is..

I still dont know what you mean by "understanding your pain..to seek enlightenment"

are you saying you have to accept pain as a part of life, and thus make yourself stronger and more numb to pain?

If, So..How do you do this? a new frame of mind? a better outlook on negative things in your life?

 

[00Kevin]

Originally posted by Starman
Surely Pain is a part of life..and NO it is not pleasurable..

When you lift weights..the pain endurance isnt pleasurable..but the outcome is..

I still dont know what you mean by "understanding your pain..to seek enlightenment"

are you saying you have to accept pain as a part of life, and thus make yourself stronger and more numb to pain?

If, So..How do you do this? a new frame of mind? a better outlook on negative things in your life?

I disagree, when I lift weights i love the pain i feel in my muscles. I actually get mad at myself when i can't lift anymore and my muscles are dead.

ok i never said that pain is pleasureable. It will ****en hurt you and you WILL feel it. Life will make you cry like a little baby and then it will laugh at you.

First, accept that for a man life is a struggle and that life is all about the struggle. If you don't fight a good battle, then pain will be your mentor. It's up to you to figure out how a particular negative event in your life has made you stronger. In order to do this you will have to find your inner self. You have to ask, who am I? what kind of man am I? what have i learned from the pain that i have endured so far? Will i wait in anticipation for the hard lessons that life will want me to learn today? Will i accept these lessons and smile or will i cry like a baby?

But yes you are right, it is a outlook and a frame of mind that you should to adopt. It truely is what it means to be a man. Negative things in your life are your ally they can only make you stronger. There are very few men that think this way. Most men are ****en whiners or AFCs today. Everyone in todays world only cares about avoiding pain, they are not instucted on how to deal with it, turn it into a powerfull weapon, and become stronger. Feminism and popular culture has corupted what it means to be a man. Most men will never learn this lesson an they will go on in life and die a bitter death.

These are just things that i have learned so far in life. I'm not quoting some ****en document or some power tape. These are hard lessons that i've learned. I truely believe what i just told you. I may not of explained it correctly, but I thought it would be worth a shot considering the problems with the first poster. I hope it helps someone.

 

[Starman]

Good point of view..From what I understand is You have to face pain and negative events with a positive atiitude..Instead of thinking

"WHY ME??? WHY!!!!"..

you should be thinking "This is life, these are the cards Ive been dealt..here is a challenge..that I must overcome..and by doing this..Im becoming stronger"

which is an excellent way to see the world..but sometimes..getting lost in the pain can distract you from this perspective

If you repeatedly smash your fist into a wall..your skin will eventually adapt..becoming Harder and stronger..

this is how the human psyche should be

sheesh what I dont understand are those people who DO derive pleasure from pain by cutting, burning themselves..

The theory is..they are so numb to pain..or emotion..that they inflict pain on themselves to FEEL SOMETHING..ANYTHING

 

[00Kevin]

Originally posted by Starman
Good point of view..From what I understand is You have to face pain and negative events with a positive atiitude..Instead of thinking

"WHY ME??? WHY!!!!"..

you should be thinking "This is life, these are the cards Ive been dealt..here is a challenge..that I must overcome..and by doing this..Im becoming stronger"

which is an excellent way to see the world..but sometimes..getting lost in the pain can distract you from this perspective

If you repeatedly smash your fist into a wall..your skin will eventually adapt..becoming Harder and stronger..

this is how the human psyche should be

sheesh what I dont understand are those people who DO derive pleasure from pain by cutting, burning themselves..

The theory is..they are so numb to pain..or emotion..that they inflict pain on themselves to FEEL SOMETHING..ANYTHING

yes i agree.. you can't go over board with this. it could hurt you in the long run. being numb to the pain isn't the lesson. What you want to do is accept the pain, endure the pain, learn a lesson from it, and then becoming stronger. If you become numb to the pain you won't be able to learn from it. A man is not made of steel he is made of flesh so he will feel pain. But we must never forget that there is nothing stronger than flesh.

 

[kickman72]

yeah that book Psycho Cybernetics is great. have you looked into nlp?