How deal with insecure girl ?

[BigFoot]

How do I deal with a woman who, in my estimation , has low self-esteem and is very insecure. This gets in the way of our relationship developing. I know she thinks I'm 'great' in alot of ways, but she gets extremely defensive and insecure about her 'inferiority' (which I don't believe at all). In conversations in the past, she has told me her father was very critical and this has had an effect on her. But she forgets all this and just reacts as if directly from her subconcious ! For example: one day she gets into a rant over the phone how great I think I am and goes on and on. I have to admit I laughed during that call because the whole thing seemed insane ! It may be the tone in my voice she was responding to, but I NEVER put her down and I try to compliment her on things to boost her self-esteem. Other times she has apologized for little things (as if I was going to get angry). I always reassured her that it was no big deal.
Now that she knows me better and seems to feel more comfortable with me, she's actually criticizing me . To me it appears to be the classic situation where she's trying to reject me before I reject her because she feels so vulnerable and insecure. What do I do?

 

[Jariel]

Handle with care. I know the exact type of girl you are talking about (she even started criticizing me as she got more comfortable). It's so tempting to boost her ego, lay on the praise, attention and encouragement, but DON'T! It will come back against you!

It will feel so wrong holding back the compliments and attention, keeping her guessing, playing it cool sometimes, but if you want to maintain her interest you have to do it. Too much attention will go to her head and she will start to look down on you.

Above all, don't excuse anything she does as defensive. If she is being cold, then don't move in to comfort her. Back off until she comes round.

Her low self-esteem works to your benefit, so whatever you do, do not try to be a "nice guy".

 

[BigFoot]

Thanks Jariel. I'm thinking I may have been handling her all wrong, but I'm concerned being aloof may backfire.

 

[Jariel]

Originally posted by BigFoot
Thanks Jariel. I'm thinking I may have been handling her all wrong, but I'm concerned being aloof may backfire.

I had the same concern, but I ended up being too warm and caring. Don't remain aloof at all times and give her attention and odd compliments, but then hold back on them for a while until she starts doing her part and showing you interest. It plays with her head a bit, but it stops her from taking you for granted.

 

[steveoo5]

the whole thing seemed insane !

girls are crazy enough, dont make the mastake of being with an insane one, NEXT HER

 

[BigFoot]

Thanks Jariel. That seems like good advice. I'm planning on trying it, although I'm thinking it may be difficult to do in practice. How much is too much, or too little, caring and attention. Will my pulling back be misinterpreted by her as 'rejection' making her try to reject me, and so on - you know what I mean.

 

[Jariel]

Bigfoot: Wyldfire makes a good point about this in the following thread...

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=71414

I think the best thing to do is watch her behaviour, show her attention and then wait for her to return it before showing her more.

It's a bit like an addiction - once the rush starts to fade and you start coming down, that's when you start craving more.

 

[BigFoot]

Yes, Wyldfire makes a good point, but this is not a 'normal' girl. There are different rules that apply I think. Her insecurities get in the way of normal interaction.

 

[DrSoSuave]

I don't believe in Wyldchild's little mind game "technique." For those that thrive on drama, then go for it. For the rest of the normal people in dealing with people who have insecurities, it might better to be indifferent about it rather than trying to cheer up a person. I know I don't get into relationships just so I can get a therapist as a girlfriend.

 

[theSpeculator]

This is a good example of self-destructive behavior. You mention that she has very low self-esteem. You mention that she believe she is "inferior." In her mind, she truly does believe this. Whether subconsicous or consicious, she truly believe that she does not deserve to be happy.

So what is happening is as she gets more comfortable, or more happy, it is in direct conflict with her inner self-beliefs that she is "doomed". So what does she do? She sabotage the relationship so her reality will again comes into conformation with her inner self-beliefs.

I've recently posted about a very good book that explains the science and psychology of helathy self-esteem:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=71136

Here are a few quotes from the book related to your subject:

"When we "know" we are doomed, we behave in ways to make reality conform to our "knowledge.""

"If I "know" my fate is to be unhappy, I must not allow reality to confuse me with happiness. It is not I who must adjust to reality, but reality that must adjust to me and to my "knowledge" of the way things are and are meant to be."

""Happyiness anxiety" is very common. Happiness can activate internal voices saying I don't deserve this, or it will never last, or I'm riding for a fall, or I'm killing my mother or father by being happier than they ever were, or life is not like this, or people will be envious and hate me, or happiness is only an illusion, or nobody else is happy so why should I be?"

I suggest that you should tell her about the book or buy it for her. It may be able to help her deal with her low self-esteem issue.

 

[BigFoot]

Yes, she's read books and will dismiss suggestions that she does not have insight into it (and sometimes she does seem to have insight). Intellectually she can often discuss this but emotionally and
'sub-consciously' she reacts differently.

 

[Marcus]

good thread