Hopefully my 2nd oneitis ends better than the first

[originaldj]

Against my better discretion I have fallen for a girl with a boyfriend. I have never really talked to him but we have a LOT of mutual friends. Thus, I don't necessarily feel any loyalty to him but would rather not make a move if I will be shot down and then have to hear about it from my buddies.

But, I have reason to believe that she is interested in me as well. Yesterday we went out "as friends" and although I was nervous in the beginning and was shying away from kino by the end of it I was lightly kinoing her pretty regularly. She didn't move away and initiated some herself. I know if I asked her to grab some drinks afterwards with me yesterday she would have said yes.

Anyways, I know I have oneitis but I am not going to next her just yet. The biggest mistake I made with my last and only other oneitis is that I let in drag on for way too long before making a move. For this oneitis, I just want to make my feelings known and either make it work or get shot down. The problem is she is a good girl and although it would be optimal that she comes on to me, I can't picture that happenning when she has a boyfriend. At the same time, I don't want to come off as needy or put a lot of pressure on her.

So here is the plan I came up with to see if she thinks of me as just a friend or something else: I will take her out to drinks I will just ask something along the lines of "Where do you see us, just friends?"
I am expecting that she will answer "yes, why?"
I will then respond with something along the lines of "Well, I think of us as friends first, but me and you have a lot in common and sometimes I think about what would happen if we became more"
What I want to know is that given my situation is there something better I can do to tell her I am interested in her without being to obvious about it.

I can't describe how ridiculous it is that I am planning a conversation in my head, so if the first few replies are too make fun of that, then please save yourself the trouble, I understand that it is retarded.

Also, I know some people will say "spin more plates". I am trying to, starting this Friday when I have plans to see another girl. Its just that I really want this one.

If you need to ask me anymore questions to better understand the situation feel free. Also, I feel that is important to note that she NEVER talks about her boyfriend when I see her.

 

[Die Hard]

Your plan is gonna fail horribly, it has supplication written all over it.

If you want her, you have to take her. Sweep her off her feet...suck her into your world where you are master and commander...take her off guard, activate her feelings of desire so strongly that she gets overtaken by them and doesn't even have a chance to think about what she wants.

That is the way... Having a conversation and raising the possibility of becoming more than friends is very weak and will get you rejected for sure. It's as if you are a little boy asking a girl if she wants to be his girlfriend...

You don't ask that! Neither do you ask it implicitly, by raising the possibility in a conversation and asking her what her thoughts are about the issue... All of that is destined to fail.

You just do it, you take her. Meet up with her, make sure she has a great time with you, make her laugh a lot, kino the sh!t out of her and finally, just go in for the kiss. Then go home and leave her alone... Now she has to reason against her feelings!! You showed her a great time, you got under her skin, she'll think back of your meeting and feel great about it. Then her rational thoughts kicks in "Oh sh!t, I can't be doing this, I have a boyfriend! but originaldj makes me feel so good, I feel good just thinking about him and the meeting we had... Sigh, I can't control my feelings..." That's how it works. Talking to her will just let her rational thoughts kick in, with nothing to compete against those thoughts (except for your desperate face, looking at her in the hope that she won't reject you. Like a hostage looking at his hijacker, hoping he won't shoot him... Weak and pathetic!)

The key to your victory is: what she feels, what you make her experience. The key to your failure is: her rational thoughts. Do not talk to her about becoming more than friends, as that is the terrain of rational thoughts and it will fail... Instead of talking, you have to act, instead of asking her if she would want to become more than friends, you have to make her more than friends. Actions are what matters, not words. You don't discuss the possibility of becoming more than friends, you seduce her and simply become more than friends, you simply make it happen.


On a more general note:

Many guys hold the false idea that a girl will be impressed when you openly ask her to become more than friends. Sure, in your own experience, it did take balls to openly raise the issue. Often times, the guy has been playing a careful game, afraid to openly show her that he's so interested in her. Then, finally, he decides enough is enough and forces himself to opnely communicate to her how he feels about her. A great victory over himself! He left his fear behind him and walked right into the dragon's lair, ready to face the dragon in battle! Surely, the girl must be impressed by this courageous decision of his??

But no, she LJBF's him... You see, what is a courageous effort in his own eyes, is just a chump-move to her. The fact that he waited until now to openly show the way he feels about her, instead of doing it earlier, is s sign of weakness to her. Moreover, the fact that he does so by expressing it verbally, instead of trying to escalate physically (by going in for the kiss or whatever), is another sign of weakness to her.

Yes, we've all been there... And in a just world, where guys would get what they deserve, the girls would reward us for what we perceive as the balls to start a conversation about becoming more than friends. But this is the real world, there's no greater power or natural law that will see to it that we get what we "deserve". We only get what we take. Girls are not gonna reward your courage to talk to her about the matter. She doesn't make her decision based on moral ideas etc. She's gonna make her decision based on whether you make her pussy wet! She's gonna make her decision based on whether you can stimulate her feelings and give her a special experience.

You wanna win a girl over with words? Try that on politicians, not on girls!

 

[originaldj]

Your plan is gonna fail horribly, it has supplication written all over it.

If you want her, you have to take her. Sweep her off her feet...suck her into your world where you are master and commander...take her off guard, activate her feelings of desire so strongly that she gets overtaken by them and doesn't even have a chance to think about what she wants.

That is the way... Having a conversation and raising the possibility of becoming more than friends is very weak and will get you rejected for sure. It's as if you are a little boy asking a girl if she wants to be his girlfriend...

You don't ask that! Neither do you ask it implicitly, by raising the possibility in a conversation and asking her what her thoughts are about the issue... All of that is destined to fail.

You just do it, you take her. Meet up with her, make sure she has a great time with you, make her laugh a lot, kino the sh!t out of her and finally, just go in for the kiss. Then go home and leave her alone... Now she has to reason against her feelings!! You showed her a great time, you got under her skin, she'll think back of your meeting and feel great about it. Then her rational thoughts kicks in "Oh sh!t, I can't be doing this, I have a boyfriend! but originaldj makes me feel so good, I feel good just thinking about him and the meeting we had... Sigh, I can't control my feelings..." That's how it works. Talking to her will just let her rational thoughts kick in, with nothing to compete against those thoughts (except for your desperate face, looking at her in the hope that she won't reject you. Like a hostage looking at his hijacker, hoping he won't shoot him... Weak and pathetic!)

The key to your victory is: what she feels, what you make her experience. The key to your failure is: her rational thoughts. Do not talk to her about becoming more than friends, as that is the terrain of rational thoughts and it will fail... Instead of talking, you have to act, instead of asking her if she would want to become more than friends, you have to make her more than friends. Actions are what matters, not words. You don't discuss the possibility of becoming more than friends, you seduce her and simply become more than friends, you simply make it happen.


On a more general note:

Many guys hold the false idea that a girl will be impressed when you openly ask her to become more than friends. Sure, in your own experience, it did take balls to openly raise the issue. Often times, the guy has been playing a careful game, afraid to openly show her that he's so interested in her. Then, finally, he decides enough is enough and forces himself to opnely communicate to her how he feels about her. A great victory over himself! He left his fear behind him and walked right into the dragon's lair, ready to face the dragon in battle! Surely, the girl must be impressed by this courageous decision of his??

But no, she LJBF's him... You see, what is a courageous effort in his own eyes, is just a chump-move to her. The fact that he waited until now to openly show the way he feels about her, instead of doing it earlier, is s sign of weakness to her. Moreover, the fact that he does so by expressing it verbally, instead of trying to escalate physically (by going in for the kiss or whatever), is another sign of weakness to her.

Yes, we've all been there... And in a just world, where guys would get what they deserve, the girls would reward us for what we perceive as the balls to start a conversation about becoming more than friends. But this is the real world, there's no greater power or natural law that will see to it that we get what we "deserve". We only get what we take. Girls are not gonna reward your courage to talk to her about the matter. She doesn't make her decision based on moral ideas etc. She's gonna make her decision based on whether you make her pussy wet! She's gonna make her decision based on whether you can stimulate her feelings and give her a special experience.

You wanna win a girl over with words? Try that on politicians, not on girls!

This is definitely the route I would take if not for other complications, specifically me and her boyfriend being pretty "high status people" in the same social circle.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I think that there is no happy resolution to this ordeal. Its really depressing when I think of how badly I ****ed this up. I guess for now the only solution is to keep my chin up and hope she comes back on the market, which I can hopefully facilitate. And when she does I will follow the advice above.

 

[Iceberg]

You can't be a member since 2005 and still subscribe to the "Talk about my feelings" method of getting girls.

It doesn't work. It NEVER works. You can't converse your way into making her feel sexual towards you. You're not buying a used car. And then after your deep conversation, what happens? You shake hands?

As Die Hard said - you make moves. You don't talk about making moves. Go for a kiss. Be brave. Show some kind of confidence. But NEVER sit down with a woman and discuss your feelings. That's what WOMEN do.

This is definitely the route I would take if not for other complications, specifically me and her boyfriend being pretty "high status people" in the same social circle.

Right. You're too "high status" to make a move on the girl, but you're okay with trying to talk your way into her vagina.

Let's not kid ourselves. This is definitely not the route you'd take....regardless of complications or no complications. Because you're afraid. And it's okay to be afraid....I screw up just like everyone else. But you gotta be honest with yourself in order to improve. And I don't see you as the type who would, as you say, "definitely take this route". Hell, just a second ago you were trying to convince yourself that a deep, emotional conversation would get this relationship started.

 

[originaldj]

I feel like you are reading way too much into my post and for the record I don't subscribe to that method actually.

The premise of my weak ass approach is that she already has feelings for me. Regardless of what people on this site say, if she already is interested in me that interest won't dissappear as soon as she hears me talk about a possible relationship. Talking to her about this shyt isn't a habit I would form because I know it would lead to disaster.

Honestly, the main reason of my reluctance to make a bolder move is what I said. The real situation is more complicated than I am willing to post on here, but trust me it is the real reason and I hope people don't continue to focus on it as an excuse.

I have run it through my head so many times and I simply cannot have her cheat on her bf with me, because if people find out it would literally destroy many of my friendships and polarize a lot of people.

Anyways, I am starting to realize that my original idea is pretty naive. I will prob try it anyways even if it means rejection, just so I know for sure where I stand, unless anyone has a better idea.

 

[Johnnyventana]

"because if people find out it would literally destroy many of my friendships and polarize a lot of people" <- Another reason to do, and not say. She could easy recap your words to everyone. She'd think twice chatting about a kiss.

 

[Iceberg]

Anyways, I am starting to realize that my original idea is pretty naive. I will prob try it anyways even if it means rejection, just so I know for sure where I stand, unless anyone has a better idea.

Yeah, but how will the conversation tell you where you stand?

Words mean nothing. If you're sitting down at a table, trying to use logic and conversation to make her leave her boyfriend, then she won't do it. That's a guarantee. Which is why this is a bad idea all around.

One of the main rules here is to judge a woman's actions, not her words. And your whole plan of attack is based around this woman's words.

 

[sexysuave]

The premise of my weak ass approach is that she already has feelings for me. Regardless of what people on this site say, if she already is interested in me that interest won't dissappear as soon as she hears me talk about a possible relationship.

Actually, you're wrong here. Any small interest she might have might dissappear as soon as you spill your guts to her. You go from "intriguing" she's wondering about you and kinda interested, could it be flirting, maybe not, could this guy take me, maybe not, to "open book" BAM I think you and I could be more than just friends lol.

So yes, you are definitely wrong here and whatever you do, don't tell her what you think. As Iceberg and Johnyv already said, you have to "make a move" on her. And as they say, talking to her about this, might just lead to "oh hey, by the way bf, your friend "originaldj" asked me earlier how I feel about him and said that he thinks me and him can be more than just friends" LOL yeah, that'll go over well. To be honest, I had a , well, I'm not gonna say buddy, but definitely a guy I was kinda on good terms with, tell my ex girlfriend (while I was with her, but I was away for a while for work) that he thinks she is "the hottest chick in the entire city, and that he woudl love if they grabbed a drink sometime".. he told her this over IM back in the days (she never hung out with any dudes, no "guy friend" bullsh*t, but this was my "friend" saying hi to her on the IM, and she immediately told me and showed me what he sent her, and she ofcourse told him no, but soon as I saw this I called him up and called him out on it. I told him to back the f*ck off and if I ever find out he was trying to talk to my girl again I would beat the sh*t outta him,

He started apologizing immediately and telling me "ohh no bro, it's not liek that... first of all, I didnt' even know you guys were really boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought she was just one your flings, bla bla, no clue you guys were serious AT ALL, sorry bla bla" I didn't see him for a few years after that, and then when I ran into him a few times he woudl just say his "hi" and that's all. lol. And this guy wasn't even someone I was that close with at all.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if this is one of your GOOD friends, then I don't agree with it. I've had a couple of my buddies girlfriends make passes at me and one started texting me a lot and eventually told me she thinks I'm really "cool and special" and start talking about hanging out, but I did not do it, at all. Even after they break up, if it's a close friend of mine, and he was serious with a girl and was with her for a while, I just consider her "off limits", not even worth it. I dunno, with close friends that you see every week, you're better off staying away from that. I know if any of my friends did that to me I'd fu*king kill him lol

But, regardless of any of that, the way to get the girl is ACTION, not words! So as the others have said, talking about this will just ruin you, horrible game plan!! If you think you're better off just forgetting about it, then forget about it and game other girls, dont' hang out with her. But if you really want her and dont' care about this dude at all, then just TAKE HER, as others have said. Don't talk about it, just do it.

 

[garruk]

Your plan is gonna fail horribly, it has supplication written all over it.

If you want her, you have to take her. Sweep her off her feet...suck her into your world where you are master and commander...take her off guard, activate her feelings of desire so strongly that she gets overtaken by them and doesn't even have a chance to think about what she wants.

That is the way... Having a conversation and raising the possibility of becoming more than friends is very weak and will get you rejected for sure. It's as if you are a little boy asking a girl if she wants to be his girlfriend...

You don't ask that! Neither do you ask it implicitly, by raising the possibility in a conversation and asking her what her thoughts are about the issue... All of that is destined to fail.

You just do it, you take her. Meet up with her, make sure she has a great time with you, make her laugh a lot, kino the sh!t out of her and finally, just go in for the kiss. Then go home and leave her alone... Now she has to reason against her feelings!! You showed her a great time, you got under her skin, she'll think back of your meeting and feel great about it. Then her rational thoughts kicks in "Oh sh!t, I can't be doing this, I have a boyfriend! but originaldj makes me feel so good, I feel good just thinking about him and the meeting we had... Sigh, I can't control my feelings..." That's how it works. Talking to her will just let her rational thoughts kick in, with nothing to compete against those thoughts (except for your desperate face, looking at her in the hope that she won't reject you. Like a hostage looking at his hijacker, hoping he won't shoot him... Weak and pathetic!)

The key to your victory is: what she feels, what you make her experience. The key to your failure is: her rational thoughts. Do not talk to her about becoming more than friends, as that is the terrain of rational thoughts and it will fail... Instead of talking, you have to act, instead of asking her if she would want to become more than friends, you have to make her more than friends. Actions are what matters, not words. You don't discuss the possibility of becoming more than friends, you seduce her and simply become more than friends, you simply make it happen.


On a more general note:

Many guys hold the false idea that a girl will be impressed when you openly ask her to become more than friends. Sure, in your own experience, it did take balls to openly raise the issue. Often times, the guy has been playing a careful game, afraid to openly show her that he's so interested in her. Then, finally, he decides enough is enough and forces himself to opnely communicate to her how he feels about her. A great victory over himself! He left his fear behind him and walked right into the dragon's lair, ready to face the dragon in battle! Surely, the girl must be impressed by this courageous decision of his??

But no, she LJBF's him... You see, what is a courageous effort in his own eyes, is just a chump-move to her. The fact that he waited until now to openly show the way he feels about her, instead of doing it earlier, is s sign of weakness to her. Moreover, the fact that he does so by expressing it verbally, instead of trying to escalate physically (by going in for the kiss or whatever), is another sign of weakness to her.

Yes, we've all been there... And in a just world, where guys would get what they deserve, the girls would reward us for what we perceive as the balls to start a conversation about becoming more than friends. But this is the real world, there's no greater power or natural law that will see to it that we get what we "deserve". We only get what we take. Girls are not gonna reward your courage to talk to her about the matter. She doesn't make her decision based on moral ideas etc. She's gonna make her decision based on whether you make her pussy wet! She's gonna make her decision based on whether you can stimulate her feelings and give her a special experience.

You wanna win a girl over with words? Try that on politicians, not on girls!

this is an amazing post! great one diehard!

 

[Johnny_Kage]

Yeah I don't think you should go for her. I've had a few girls/former girls of my friends try to get with me. Recently, after one (an ex girlfriend of one of my friends) pursued me A LOT, I gave in. BAD IDEA. Not only did the situation with the girl get messed up fast, but my friends started looking at me differently. It took me months to get things back to the way they used to be. Not worth it and I'll definitely never compromise my values for a girl ever again!

Even if this guy isn't a close friend, but is in your social circle, do you think it's a good idea to try to date his CURRENT girlfriend? If anything, I think that lowers your value and makes it seem like you're coming from a scarcity mindset.

So as I said, I strongly recommend that you just find another girl. If not, then definitely make a move instead of talking. Better yet, look for an opportunity to make a move at party when you (and preferably her too) are drunk. That way, if it goes badly, at least you could blame it on the alcohol when sh!t hits the fan with the bf

 

[Quick]

I have run it through my head so many times and I simply cannot have her cheat on her bf with me, because if people find out it would literally destroy many of my friendships and polarize a lot of people.

Anyways, I am starting to realize that my original idea is pretty naive. I will prob try it anyways even if it means rejection, just so I know for sure where I stand, unless anyone has a better idea.

Here's a better idea. If her cheating on her bf with you would be socially crippling, so would her breaking up with her bf and then getting together with you the next day. Other people aren't blind or stupid and would know what's up. There is no difference in other people's minds between that and you sleeping with her the day before she breaks up with her bf. In addition, if you simply make her want you bad enough without the conversation, she can still leave her bf first. Also if your fear is really being ostracized in your social circle, a romantic situation that "just happened" is a lot easier to explain than you sitting her down and directly asking her to leave her bf. After she rejects you, she will tell other people and it'll get out.

So why don't you try a strategy that might actually work instead of lying to yourself and us. If you don't care about the result, then do nothing and find a more available girl that you don't have to try desperation moves on. If you do care about the result, approach this in a way that has much higher chances of success. Don't you find this stuff hard enough without trying to add a degree of difficulty?

Part of the reason I got tired of posting here was the nonstop flood of people thinking that their situations were so special that they could just bypass the proven rules of attraction, and then wondering why they kept failing. If you're not here to learn from others' insight and mistakes, why are you here?

And yes, you can absolutely destroy any future chances with a single conversation.

 

[Die Hard]

I feel like you are reading way too much into my post and for the record I don't subscribe to that method actually.

The premise of my weak ass approach is that she already has feelings for me. Regardless of what people on this site say, if she already is interested in me that interest won't dissappear as soon as she hears me talk about a possible relationship. Talking to her about this shyt isn't a habit I would form because I know it would lead to disaster.

Honestly, the main reason of my reluctance to make a bolder move is what I said. The real situation is more complicated than I am willing to post on here, but trust me it is the real reason and I hope people don't continue to focus on it as an excuse.

I have run it through my head so many times and I simply cannot have her cheat on her bf with me, because if people find out it would literally destroy many of my friendships and polarize a lot of people.

Anyways, I am starting to realize that my original idea is pretty naive. I will prob try it anyways even if it means rejection, just so I know for sure where I stand, unless anyone has a better idea.

You're full of contradictions... You say you don't want to make a move on her coz that will destroy friendships and polarize people etc. On the other hand, you still say you're probably gonna try your original plan anyways. But if you follow your original plan, you are also making a move on her, albeit a weak move... So which one is it? You wanna make a move or not? I think you do want to make a move, but you subconsciously want your move to fail. I'll explain...

Here's what I think: You want her, she wants you, but your mind tells you it's a bad idea. Like in the movies, where a guy falls in love with a girl, but she happens to be the girlfriend of a gangster. So the guy knows he'll get the whole crime gang after him if he pursues the girl. But at the same time, he knows she wants him too so he just can't let it go... He can't just turn switch his feelings off, can he? He would almost start hoping she would reject him! At least, that way he will be forced to move on from her! But as long as he knows she wants him too, he just can't leave the situation behind...

Sounds to me like you feel the same way. You wanna go for your original plan coz, deep down, you already know it's gonna fail and she will reject you. When she does, you will be able to move on...

But still, you're not sure whether this is really what you want. You are still trying to figure out whether getting this chick is worth the social consequences or not.

That's something only you can figure out. My advice is, don't do it. As you've been a member of this site for a long time, I'm sure you've read threads about BPD's? Go read 'em again coz walking away from the woman is the only solution in those BPD situations... Therefor, there's some really great advice on how to walk away from a woman in those threads! The situations are similar in the following regard as well: A guy who's in a relationship with a BPD, does not want to walk away from her coz he's strongly attached to her emotionally. Still, his mind tells him he should walk away from her, coz she's destroying him. This contradiction, rationally knowing that you have to walk, but emotionally feeling you want to stay with her, is very tough to get out of. So go and read threads about BPD cases, coz you're basically having the same dilemma.


By the way, I'm curious: Does this girl actively keep sending you IOI's? Does she keep trying to seduce you in subtle ways? Or is she staying passive?

 

[OnTheWayUp]

OP, you've received some fantastic advice from the other posters here, which I hope you have read carefully and will take on board before acting. You should note the fact that everyone giving you advice is unanimous in telling you that your approach is flawed. To turn the issue on its head slightly, has anybody heard of the "confessing your feelings" method of "seducing" (lol) a girl working on one single occasion in the real world? I certainly haven't. Not once. You've been watching too many romcoms

I was driven to this website almost a year ago by a situation which bears many similarities to yours. I had oneitis for about 6 months for a taken girl, who was giving me all the classic come-on signals despite officially being in a long-distance relationship. You don't have to do too much reading on here to figure out that a lot of the other guys started off that way as well. Oneitis. Attention *****s. Taken girls. Even you yourself admit in the thread title that something similar has happened to you before.

This is definitely the route I would take if not for other complications, specifically me and her boyfriend being pretty "high status people" in the same social circle.

This is why the attitude quoted above is so ridiculous. "Other complications" and delusions of destroying a "high status" are ultimately nothing more than backward rationalisations which make it easier for you to live with your decision of not manning up and making a move on this girl (ie trying to kiss her). You seem to persist with the notion that your situation is somehow "different" or "more complicated" than many described on here, meaning that the standard "make a move" approach will not work. This is simply wrong. Your situation is the classic dilemma of the clueless initiate DJ who does not thave the balls to take what he wants. Myself and the other posters who have given you advice because we know that: we've been through that phase and want to help others like yourself avoid the pain we went through.

I wish you all the best and hope that your second oneitis ends better than the first. But is surely the definition of insanity to keep persisting with an approach which (reading into your thread title) has failed for you before, not to mention millions of others.

 

[originaldj]

This is why the attitude quoted above is so ridiculous. "Other complications" and delusions of destroying a "high status" are ultimately nothing more than backward rationalisations which make it easier for you to live with your decision of not manning up and making a move on this girl (ie trying to kiss her). You seem to persist with the notion that your situation is somehow "different" or "more complicated" than many described on here, meaning that the standard "make a move" approach will not work. This is simply wrong. Your situation is the classic dilemma of the clueless initiate DJ who does not thave the balls to take what he wants. Myself and the other posters who have given you advice because we know that: we've been through that phase and want to help others like yourself avoid the pain we went through.

I wish you all the best and hope that your second oneitis ends better than the first. But is surely the definition of insanity to keep persisting with an approach which (reading into your thread title) has failed for you before, not to mention millions of others.

I know it sounds that my "unique situation" sounds like a copout and a rationalization. But the truth is, it is a very unique situation. I posted cliff notes to generally summarize it but I won't post the actual complication since it involves me and her bf rather than me and her and thus shouldn't have any impact on the advice given.

 

[originaldj]

This is why the attitude quoted above is so ridiculous. "Other complications" and delusions of destroying a "high status" are ultimately nothing more than backward rationalisations which make it easier for you to live with your decision of not manning up and making a move on this girl (ie trying to kiss her). You seem to persist with the notion that your situation is somehow "different" or "more complicated" than many described on here, meaning that the standard "make a move" approach will not work. This is simply wrong. Your situation is the classic dilemma of the clueless initiate DJ who does not thave the balls to take what he wants. Myself and the other posters who have given you advice because we know that: we've been through that phase and want to help others like yourself avoid the pain we went through.

I wish you all the best and hope that your second oneitis ends better than the first. But is surely the definition of insanity to keep persisting with an approach which (reading into your thread title) has failed for you before, not to mention millions of others.

I know it sounds that my "unique situation" sounds like a copout and a rationalization. But the truth is, it is a very unique situation. I posted cliff notes to generally summarize it but I won't post the actual complication since it involves me and her bf rather than me and her and thus shouldn't have any impact on the advice given.

 

[originaldj]

You're full of contradictions... You say you don't want to make a move on her coz that will destroy friendships and polarize people etc. On the other hand, you still say you're probably gonna try your original plan anyways. But if you follow your original plan, you are also making a move on her, albeit a weak move... So which one is it? You wanna make a move or not? I think you do want to make a move, but you subconsciously want your move to fail. I'll explain...

Here's what I think: You want her, she wants you, but your mind tells you it's a bad idea. Like in the movies, where a guy falls in love with a girl, but she happens to be the girlfriend of a gangster. So the guy knows he'll get the whole crime gang after him if he pursues the girl. But at the same time, he knows she wants him too so he just can't let it go... He can't just turn switch his feelings off, can he? He would almost start hoping she would reject him! At least, that way he will be forced to move on from her! But as long as he knows she wants him too, he just can't leave the situation behind...

Sounds to me like you feel the same way. You wanna go for your original plan coz, deep down, you already know it's gonna fail and she will reject you. When she does, you will be able to move on...

But still, you're not sure whether this is really what you want. You are still trying to figure out whether getting this chick is worth the social consequences or not.

That's something only you can figure out. My advice is, don't do it. As you've been a member of this site for a long time, I'm sure you've read threads about BPD's? Go read 'em again coz walking away from the woman is the only solution in those BPD situations... Therefor, there's some really great advice on how to walk away from a woman in those threads! The situations are similar in the following regard as well: A guy who's in a relationship with a BPD, does not want to walk away from her coz he's strongly attached to her emotionally. Still, his mind tells him he should walk away from her, coz she's destroying him. This contradiction, rationally knowing that you have to walk, but emotionally feeling you want to stay with her, is very tough to get out of. So go and read threads about BPD cases, coz you're basically having the same dilemma.


By the way, I'm curious: Does this girl actively keep sending you IOI's? Does she keep trying to seduce you in subtle ways? Or is she staying passive?

I think this post more than any other gets to the heart of my problem. I am not comfortable with any outcome in this situation (going for the kiss or nexting her), so I just came up with a way to give me some closure without having to stick my neck out.
I was thinking about throughout the day and this isn't the type of person I am, nor want to be. I have to man up and do some soul searching to see what I want and either make a move or move on. I am no longer going to do this weak approach because I don't believe in setting myself up for failure.
As for your question about IOIs I can tell you what I have so far:
1) She always initiates us hanging out rather than the other way around.
2) Never talks about her bf
3) Initiates kino, for example we went to a museum the other day and she rested her chest on my arm for a few seconds. She also really wanted to go for drinks after but I said no, because I felt like it was dishonorable to my friend. I came home and then regretted it which incidentally led to this thread.
4) She plays with her hair almost the whole time I am with her.
5) When I just met her and she was single, she was glued to me all the time and it was I who didn't reciprocate. I believe there are residual feelings.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Let us know how it goes.

 

[originaldj]

After thinking about it, as much as it sucks I can't make a move right now. I will continue to chill with her once in a while a step up the kino/be more flirty and sexual. I will not go through with my original idea since that will effectively ruin any chance with her. At the same time I will try to focus more on other girls and maybe this situation with my oneitis will naturally work itself out to my benefit.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Not a bad plan. Sometimes we feel we need to do something right away. The reality is that we don't. It's good practice to be patient. It isn't always easy to do.