Her sex drive

[Danton1975]

I have been with my current GF for a little more than 4 years. Recently, I have noticed her sex drive has taken a nosedive but my desire for her, especially sexually has increased if anything. I know it is the first alert that a girl is "cheating" on you but I really do not think this is the case. She is very much in love and displays all the right signs of affection...cannot sleep without me touching her, cannot wake up without me kissing her, tells me in 50 years, when she "passes away" she wouldn't want me to ever love anyone else. Everything is there except sex...she still gets the token orgasm by me going down on her and eating her out and she has not turned it down, but the sex just isn't like it was in the beggining of our relationship. I want to spice things up, but I feel her interest is just not there. For 4 years, before moving in with each other, we were probably having sex once a week...now that we have moved in together, I want it more often...but sometimes I feel rushed, as if it is a chore she needs to get it done with. I am very proud, and I don't like feeling as if I am more into her then she is to me. On the other hand, she has never stopped acting like a woman completely in love with me.

I confronted her about her sexual desire, and she said, she has noticed it too and that she will "work" on it as she wants us to have a very healthy relationship all around and all aspects of it. She has made an effort to have a bit more SEX but again, it's the same discomfort in the back of my mind that it feels like a chore to her. Is it possible to be very much in love with your partner and still not desire sex as much? I feel this woman is very worthy of my attention and I very definitely see things working a lot longer between us, EXCEPT for the sex part. Have you been in this situation before? Is she simply "frigid?" or do you think there may be more to it?

I have read quite a few books on sex and have dated probably over 20 women in 34 years and SEX with her used to be great to the point she said in the very beggining of the relationship..."You know, I never see any problems with us on this department." I used to get a hell lot more *******s, multiple fukks within the same day, she would pack up her "toys" on trips and we would experiment but now most of that is a thing of the past.

What is your reading on this???

 

[SmoothTalker]

Ah this stage... usually happens eventually, always sucks.

In long relationships it is very hard to maintain the same excitement and frequency, however I would say the fact that she had a serious discussion with you, and is at least making a small effort to improve is a VERY positive sign. Many girls in such a situation just get pissy, accuse you of being a horny sex maniac, and say there's absolutely nothing wrong, so your situation is definitely better.

I hesitate to give this advice because I'm sure you're not interested in surprises, but is she on birth control? I've seen it multiple times and heard plenty from friends to know it's more common than the drug companies will acknowledge, long term, hormonal birth control almost always kills a woman's sex drive.

It happens gradually, and at first you're too excited to be ****ing without a condom to care, but slowly she just loses her drive, becomes less responsive during sex, and while she might still put out because she cares about you and it's emotionally fulfilling, the physical lust is just not there for her. It's unfortunate, and I believe it has ruined many relationships and even marriages.

So, if she's on any sort of hormonal birth control pills, try to get her to stop, and just use condoms for a bit. How long it takes to make a difference depends on the woman, but in my experience there's usually a noticeable difference within a few weeks, but things can continue to get better for months after. I know man, condoms suck when you're in an LTR, but getting back her sex drive so she has a primal urge to **** you, in my opinion that's well worth it.

 

[Danton1975]

She is not on birth control Smooth Talker. Or if she is, I do not know about it. You are absolutely right though...she puts out, never turns it down...it's just that the "physical lust" is not there for her. I mean, she is not "hungry" for it...doesn't go for it, or says "I am a bit tired so let's skip the foreplay." All these great books I have been reading and ideas on how to "turn her on" are almost useless countered by her lack of interest in sex. She puts out only to please me, but trust me, it feels different than when she was completely into it.

Also, she is 41 now but as sexy and in shape as when we first started dating and she was 37. IN my opinion, she looks even better and more striking...kinda like Kelly Rippa, has the same personality that I love too. Does her age you think have a lot to do with it?

 

[SmoothTalker]

Well BC was definitely my best guess. I don't know, I'm in my early 20s and don't go for any women much older than me, so I can't really comment on whether her age is a factor, but it's possible.

Physical health could also be an issue?

 

[vitor]

This is the nature of long term relationships. Most of my married friends are having sex once a week. I think you are more of a best friend / companion these days. I would not harp on this too much because she might look at sex as a chore instead of something she enjoys. It more than likely is a combo of

Hormones
Body Issues - how does she feel about her naked body, how do you feel about yours/ hers
Work/Stess - How many hours a week are you two working, what other obligations do you two have?

Does she workout at all? This might help with all of the above...

 

[Danton1975]

You are right I think Vitor. I may be more of a best friend/companion for her these days. I just don't like it...at all. I haven't harped on it too much...only once, because I know it will draw too much attention to it and make it completely unnatural. The thing is she has a banging body...112 lbs, tight, glowing skin, beautiful eyes, very white teeth...the comments she gets is that she looks more like 29 than 41. When we go to malls she will draw attention...women devour her with looks. She will turn every man's head...she dresses fashionably, has great style. And it sucks that I hit it only once a week, and even that, almost in a hurry.

Body Issues - how does she feel about her naked body - She feels fat. Go figure. She is only 112 Lbs.

how do you feel about yours - I feel good. I mean I don't have a six pack or anything but I am pretty average build. I wear suits and get complimented often on my looks. Recently I have lost even more weight and she says it looks better on me.

Work/Stess - How many hours a week are you two working, what other obligations do you two have? - I work 30 Hrs a week, she works 20

Does she workout at all? This might help with all of the above...- She doesn't workout. I do though.

 

[John_Valido]

If she says to you, "what do you want to do tonight?"

what is your response?

If she says to you, "do these jeans make me look fat?"

what is your response?


---
Serious questions to you.

 

[WC2]

Doesn't necessarily mean cheating.

Then again, just because she says she wants to be with you in 50 years and kisses you every morning doesn't mean she really feels that way. Women can be master manipulators if they choose to be.

I'm not going to say it's inevitable that this happens in LTR, but usually it is. I've found that sometimes it comes down to a push-pull battle over sexual ground.

Meaning, the more you want it, the less she wants it. The less you want it, the more she wants it. Early in the relationship you BOTH want it because you're exploring new territory and it's interesting. But as time goes on, you get to know your ends and outs and instead just plot to determine what's the best way YOU can get your way with sex.

I'm not going to tell you to stop making sexual advances on your woman because that's a risky line to walk. But sometimes it doesn't hurt to 'change the balance' and create more sexual tension by asking for it less.

I've done it a few times and it's almost always been successful. If you decrease the amount of times you make sexual advances on your woman, she naturally starts to wonder why and starts making sexual advances on you to try to validate herself.

Not a long-term solution, but a short-term solution to a problem that is found in almost all LTR...

 

[arutha]

I hesitate to give this advice because I'm sure you're not interested in surprises, but is she on birth control? I've seen it multiple times and heard plenty from friends to know it's more common than the drug companies will acknowledge, long term, hormonal birth control almost always kills a woman's sex drive.

It happens gradually, and at first you're too excited to be ****ing without a condom to care, but slowly she just loses her drive, becomes less responsive during sex, and while she might still put out because she cares about you and it's emotionally fulfilling, the physical lust is just not there for her. It's unfortunate, and I believe it has ruined many relationships and even marriages.

So, if she's on any sort of hormonal birth control pills, try to get her to stop, and just use condoms for a bit. How long it takes to make a difference depends on the woman, but in my experience there's usually a noticeable difference within a few weeks, but things can continue to get better for months after. I know man, condoms suck when you're in an LTR, but getting back her sex drive so she has a primal urge to **** you, in my opinion that's well worth it.

I was wondering if this would ever come up on these boards... I have also heard a lot that the pill can kill sex drive, and a lot of the time when sex drive threads come up it is simply blamed on the guy reverting to AFC ways and losing the magnetic attraction he created at the start of the relationship. I wonder how much of it is (partially that maybe) more due to birth control issues. I've been through the sex in a relationship drying up, and she literally said she had no sex drive and didn't even feel horny on her own, was on the pill and anti-depressants. There seems to be so many pills that will kill sex drive, but nothing that will increase it.

 

[Prodigy746]

I dont think that is too much of a problem. U guys have been together for 4 years and probably have done everything you could possibly do so its natural that she got bored. Why do you think everyone says once you get married sex becomes a weekly thing sometimes monthly.

OFFTOPIC

I never understood how a girl knows she is like 100 pounds and still think she is fat.

I am 6'3 160 pounds and i dont care if 10000000000 people told me i was fat i would still know i am skinny...

 

[WC2]

I dont think that is too much of a problem. U guys have been together for 4 years and probably have done everything you could possibly do so its natural that she got bored. Why do you think everyone says once you get married sex becomes a weekly thing sometimes monthly.

OFFTOPIC

I never understood how a girl knows she is like 100 pounds and still think she is fat.

I am 6'3 160 pounds and i dont care if 10000000000 people told me i was fat i would still know i am skinny...

6'3 160.. that's like twig status

 

[vitor]

I really think it is just the nature of women and men. You have heard the saying show me a hot chick and I will show you a guy who is tired of sleeping with her. Its not you, its just time in the relationship etc.

Its sad because if you bring this up talk about it your always going to be wondering does she want to f*ck, is she enjoying this or is this just to please me. I am all for my own pleasure but I also take pleasure in giving my partner pleasure.

I would continue to tell her how good she looks, maybe buy her some sexy outfits, a sex toy or two, maybe even some adult movies.

I asked the workout thing because I am a workout machine and usally get all the women I date into the gym it seems to make them hornier as time goes on.. Plus it helps them feel good mentally and physically.

 

[Ziniath]

Given that i am only 25, I may not have much to offer in the way of life experience regarding this area, but I have been in a couple of long term relationships where this eventually happened.

It is very easy to say "that's just what happens after a period of time together" - and it might be true, but my own experience says otherwise:

how is the "spice" in your relationship?

how much of the masculine role do you play, and how much of her femininity do you allow to flourish?

I've found in the past (all thanks to an incredible man called David Deida), that when I am de-polarised (not in my masculine), my girlfriends had to take on a more masculine role, and what eventually happened was that we became room-mates who occasionally fvcked.

How aware of your direction in life are you? Do you have a life plan? Does she trust that? Does she trust the man in you?

Or are you a little ambiguous about life right now? "Going with the flow" as it were?

If the latter is the case, you've stepped into your feminine side, and as a result, she'll be taking on the masculine side of direction, focus, work, planning, finances etc: when all she really wants deep down is to yield to your direction, follow your path and enjoy your adventure, while she brings her own qualities to the table of love, radiance, beauty - making your journey, and adventure, a little more enjoyable for both of you.

The feminine grows through praise - so instead of getting her to "work" on her sex-drive, instead praise how sexy she is when she does something sexy: even if it isn't around sex.

Appreciate her, praise her, worship her, and she will return her gifts tenfold - obviously don't change who you are to do this: you already know what you love and are attracted to in her, all you'll be doing is verbalising it.

Physiologically, there could be a stress factor (this is the number 1 killer of libido, in a physiological sense), in which instance a good dosage of b-vitamins and a herb called Ashwagandha (also known as wintercherry, or indian ginseng) could do her a world of good (I work in a health food store and that is our number 1 remedy for stress - I have literally had customers come back telling me I saved their life with those two recommendations).

Anyway, that's all of my rant done.

I wish you the very best .

 

[thecurtainfalls]

I believe that hormonal birth control may have played a large factor in the death of my relationship and our sex life.

That being said, Ziniath's post above is also incredibly useful and I have bookmarked that for future reference!

 

[Tazman]

Make her "anxious". Start doing things occasionally like staying out late or going somewhere other than home after work etc. When she asks what you are doing you can just tell her that you've been hanging out with friends or simply enjoying some past time on your own. All the while not revealing everything because that would defeat the purpose.

Become unpredictable, but slowly, not all at once. Basically, give her a reason to be curious about you, what's in your head etc. Start going to the gym, pay more attention to what you wear outside the house. Familiarity can and does breed contempt, if you want her to genuinely desire you there needs to be some lingering "doubt" in her mind about you.

The beauty of this is you don't actually have to cheat on her, just give her the impression that she isn't the only woman you could ever have an interest in or who has an interest in you. She's simply way too comfortable with you and she will slowly but surely resent having to force herself to please you sexually when she's not really in the mood.

Sexual tension is what you're after.