Help on killing the nice guy - How to man up?

[Lotus Effect]

Hey guys,

after long days of thinking it finally hit me.

I’ve became a nice guy.

I wasn’t, I was rebellious and carefree.

some backstory:

I dated a chick for five years, and she took my balls away. The breakup happened Jan/22.

2022 was hands down the worst year of my life, but by Sep/22 I’ve found solace in hitting the gym, and went from 87kg to 72kg in about 4 months. I’m 1,74m

this gave me more confidence in me, but I still eer on the side of skinny. Anyway, I was back.

but, then I got involved with another chick, in Apr/23 and things went spiraling down fast. We broke up Sep/23, and the main reason was because I was a nice guy.

I moved from Brazil to Portugal in this time period, so I got to a place where I had no friends or family to support me, so I became needy and clingy, and that just pushed the girl further away.

so in the same way that I found that I was not taking care of my overall health and decided to hit the gym and cutting bad habits with the previous breakup, this time I found out that I’m a nice guy.

Or better yet, that I need to man up.

people pleaser, compliant, and insecure, without deep core values, and lacking a true passion. I’m anxious all the time

to make things harder, I had a motorbike accident literally the minute after the breakup, and had two surgeries (collar bone and femur)

So I was on bed for this past 3 months, and only now in January the doctor told me that I could swim (that’s all exercise I can do for now)

With that said, I want to know what are the best practical advices in order for me to become a better man, not for some chick, but for me.

And if you could recommend some read, I’ll also be very glad.

I really need the help, because I know I’m good, and I just can’t cope with this sh)t anymore

Cheers

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Pick up a copy of “No more Mr. Nice guy” by doctor glover.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Already read it!

do you guys have anything else?

 

[Manure Spherian]

Already read it!

do you guys have anything else?

I also recommend:
When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith

Sexual Utopia in Power by F. Roger Devlin: (This is not a self-improvement but if you will see women for who they are.)

A Gentleman's Guide to Manners, Sex, and Ruling the World: How to Survive as a Man in the Age of Misandry & Do So with Grace by Dr. Stephen Baskerville

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Get the proper IDGAF attitude and prioritise yourself over everyone else.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Already read it!

do you guys have anything else?

It doesn’t sound like you’ve put what the book offers into effect, otherwise you’d not have posted this?

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

First of all, welcome. Secondly, heal. Swim for exercise. Swimming is especially good because you have to be fully engaged in that activity. It’s not like running or walking where you can tune out & day dream. It’s more focused.

Give yourself time to re emerge into who you are, become your own best friend because you’ve got to love you before anyone else.

Worry less about women for now. You’ve got bigger fish to fry.

 

[Lotus Effect]

I have a sales gig Chowda.

Thanks for the good advice BeExcellent. About the welcoming part, I'm an old poster already, but thanks anyway. And about healing, that's the main thing right now, so again, solid advice.

Pierce, it is hard putting things into effort when you have no social circle, friends, or ladies to try this new approach, specially when you are lying in bed. And life is not black and white. Anyway, I followed your advice, and I'm listening to the ebook again. Sadly, I figure it is way focused into getting a girl, or keeping a girl, which is not what I aim for right now. Right now I'm aiming at me.

That's what Im trying AmsterdamAssasin, kinda fake till you make it, but its tough after years of people pleasing. Still struggling, especially when inserted in a new culture (from BR to PT)

And thanks for the book recomendations Manure.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

That's what Im trying AmsterdamAssasin, kinda fake till you make it, but its tough after years of people pleasing. Still struggling, especially when inserted in a new culture (from BR to PT)

It's tough, but you have to shake the servitude mindset and make your own wellbeing a priority. Women are an addition to your relationship with yourself, they should not be used to fill a void you created in yourself.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Hey guys,

after long days of thinking it finally hit me.

I’ve became a nice guy.

I wasn’t, I was rebellious and carefree.

some backstory:

I dated a chick for five years, and she took my balls away. The breakup happened Jan/22.

2022 was hands down the worst year of my life, but by Sep/22 I’ve found solace in hitting the gym, and went from 87kg to 72kg in about 4 months. I’m 1,74m

this gave me more confidence in me, but I still eer on the side of skinny. Anyway, I was back.

but, then I got involved with another chick, in Apr/23 and things went spiraling down fast. We broke up Sep/23, and the main reason was because I was a nice guy.

I moved from Brazil to Portugal in this time period, so I got to a place where I had no friends or family to support me, so I became needy and clingy, and that just pushed the girl further away.

so in the same way that I found that I was not taking care of my overall health and decided to hit the gym and cutting bad habits with the previous breakup, this time I found out that I’m a nice guy.

Or better yet, that I need to man up.

people pleaser, compliant, and insecure, without deep core values, and lacking a true passion. I’m anxious all the time

to make things harder, I had a motorbike accident literally the minute after the breakup, and had two surgeries (collar bone and femur)

So I was on bed for this past 3 months, and only now in January the doctor told me that I could swim (that’s all exercise I can do for now)

With that said, I want to know what are the best practical advices in order for me to become a better man, not for some chick, but for me.

And if you could recommend some read, I’ll also be very glad.

I really need the help, because I know I’m good, and I just can’t cope with this sh)t anymore

Cheers

I am affraid you can read every book available in the topic and still wont get results If it hasnt by now

Having no friends or chicks to bring you forward is an excuse and the maximum range of an excuse is ZERO.

My recommendation is to get busy and improve yourself before you think about women or how to find friends.

You seem to lack confidence. How are your finances? Swimming is good to build up your muscles which you seem to lack with your height/weight ratio. As soon as you are allowed, hit the temple of iron.

Get busy and start doing the things that increase your smv. Once you can find value in yourself, you will find it harder to let people walk right over you.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Allí me to say this, the book is about self-improvement, not about getting laid. The principles apply to all your relationships with everyone: men and women, family and even customers (although in sales we sometimes plausibly deniably we bend facts).

I have a sales gig Chowda.

Thanks for the good advice BeExcellent. About the welcoming part, I'm an old poster already, but thanks anyway. And about healing, that's the main thing right now, so again, solid advice.

Pierce, it is hard putting things into effort when you have no social circle, friends, or ladies to try this new approach, specially when you are lying in bed. And life is not black and white. Anyway, I followed your advice, and I'm listening to the ebook again. Sadly, I figure it is way focused into getting a girl, or keeping a girl, which is not what I aim for right now. Right now I'm aiming at me.

That's what Im trying AmsterdamAssasin, kinda fake till you make it, but its tough after years of people pleasing. Still struggling, especially when inserted in a new culture (from BR to PT)

And thanks for the book recomendations Manure.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

Or better yet, that I need to man up.

people pleaser, compliant, and insecure, without deep core values, and lacking a true passion.

You don't need to man up, you're a man already. You need to stop doing things for others expecting something in return (convert contracts), we all struggle with this. You need to develop yourself into a man who is financially well, get jacked, then start seducing woman.

When you have a gf you become clingy cause you think if she leaves you won't find another one, which is bs, if you keep developing yourself you become more attractive to females. Take 1 year without dating to yourself, make some money and keep hitting the gym hard, do things for others, not to please but to help, without any expectations of reciprocation. I still struggle with it sometimes, like you I was indoctrinated for more than 30 years.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Thanks for the honesty guys.

Again, I was not always like this, and shifting culture, with a car crash that imobilized me for 2 months did not help.

I used to be way more confident, but hit after hit since Ive got in Portugal made me descend into a place so dark that I can't even recognize myself.

Not being able to hit the gym is also not being helpful at all.
I've gotten so self centered at my problems that I'm finding really hard to find a way out

I totally lost the ability to get in touch with people in a natural way.
I lost the ability to proper explain myself

It is so hard that even right now I find it hard to put in words on how I'm feeling. Really.

And it amazes me, because not long ago I was like the National Head of Sales of a big industry in Brazil, with a huge team, big social circle and pulling chicks like nothing.

And now I feel like an empty shell of my former self.

 

[Lotus Effect]

I really need to get back to the gym, but with the accident there is no horizon on when that is happening.

Finance wise, as I told you guys, I just got to a new country, and even though I have a good gig going on, I am still on probation, which renders me quite insecure for the time being.

So that front is also very sh1tty.

And again, the accident did not help me create a good first impression.
Anyway, that's pretty much all I have, so I guess that is the best thing for me to lean on for the time being.

Getting dumped by the chick that made me move here also wasn't helpful at all, as my mind went all over the place.

 

[Lotus Effect]

It’s unfortunate what happened to you, some life events can derail your path. It’s best see these things as short term, the recovery from it is only a sliver of time during your life. It’s hard to stay positive during those times, but as with all of life experiences - the hardships will past and you become a better version of yourself enduring those tough times.

All the best to you, brotha!

Thanks bro!

 

[Nitrozv20]

I really need to get back to the gym, but with the accident there is no horizon on when that is happening.

Finance wise, as I told you guys, I just got to a new country, and even though I have a good gig going on, I am still on probation, which renders me quite insecure for the time being.

So that front is also very sh1tty.

And again, the accident did not help me create a good first impression.
Anyway, that's pretty much all I have, so I guess that is the best thing for me to lean on for the time being.

Getting dumped by the chick that made me move here also wasn't helpful at all, as my mind went all over the place.

you say you cant hit the gym? is that doctor orders or just dont want to go? is your diet cleaned up and counting macros with high amounts of protein to preserve the muscle mass you have? Are you on doctors orders to not walk? Get a 45 minute walk in a day if you can and hit your macros to be set up in good habits for when you can hit the gym.

 

[Giovanni SouthSide]

boxing

 

[Lotus Effect]

Due to the accident I developed a sickness of the hip bone called Osteonecrosis.

For now, what I'm allowed, by the doctors, to do are the following:

Swimm
Bike
Push-ups
Crunches

And it is pretty much what I'm doing. (minus the bike)

Can't do any impact activities, such as running, contact sports (ie: boxing), impact sports (ie: soccer)

My diet is pretty clean, and I'm on the lean spectrum, but I need to bulk.

Anyway, I'm following the advice posted before. Focusing on my job, to get my finances together, which has been tough ever since I got in Portugal, and focusing on my health, with diet and exercices.

I realised I'm feeling outta place, because I'm not at my place, and it feels alien being in a new culture.
Also, acting as a doormat with the previous chick took a heavy toll.

Anyway, the mantra has been, work hard, eat clean, exercise, sleep. Anything else will come

 

[BeExcellent]

Due to the accident I developed a sickness of the hip bone called Osteonecrosis.

For now, what I'm allowed, by the doctors, to do are the following:

Swimm
Bike
Push-ups
Crunches

And it is pretty much what I'm doing. (minus the bike)

Can't do any impact activities, such as running, contact sports (ie: boxing), impact sports (ie: soccer)

My diet is pretty clean, and I'm on the lean spectrum, but I need to bulk.

Anyway, I'm following the advice posted before. Focusing on my job, to get my finances together, which has been tough ever since I got in Portugal, and focusing on my health, with diet and exercices.

I realised I'm feeling outta place, because I'm not at my place, and it feels alien being in a new culture.
Also, acting as a doormat with the previous chick took a heavy toll.

Anyway, the mantra has been, work hard, eat clean, exercise, sleep. Anything else will come

God love you. That happened to Bo Jackson. Killed his pro athlete career. Do whatever you can to keep going.