Having "the talk" (breaking up with her)

[MaddXMan]

Fwiw, the pain I know she'd feel if I break up with her is the hardest thing for me to bear. When you truly care for someone this is normal and humane.

Oh yeah I think my girl knew what was coming, because in the past three weeks she started saying "I love you" at every opportunity. Now THAT was hard to swallow down so I could get past it and have the talk with her!!

That was a sticking point for me too, and something I still think about BUT - I know that she WILL get over the pain, and she WILL eventually meet and date someone else.


Like someone else said getting dumped is a part of life that everyone goes through.

 

[MaddXMan]

Her mom just called me, looking for her. Said she has not been returning messages. Her mom didn't know about the breakup.

Now I kind of feel sick to my stomach.

I invested a lot in pumping up her self esteem. That's why this is such a blow to her.

On the flipside if she cared about maintaining the relationship she would have done a lot differently - it's not like I didn't communicate my needs. She ignored them, apparently thinking sex was enough.

I keep thinking about how hurt she is feeling and I want to contact her, to make her feel better, to "save" her from going through this....


.....then I ask myself what would I get out of that?

That keeps me from picking up the phone.

 

[cordoncordon]

Her mom just called me, looking for her. Said she has not been returning messages. Her mom didn't know about the breakup.

Now I kind of feel sick to my stomach.

I invested a lot in pumping up her self esteem. That's why this is such a blow to her.

On the flipside if she cared about maintaining the relationship she would have done a lot differently - it's not like I didn't communicate my needs. She ignored them, apparently thinking sex was enough.

I keep thinking about how hurt she is feeling and I want to contact her, to make her feel better, to "save" her from going through this....


.....then I ask myself what would I get out of that?

That keeps me from picking up the phone.

I feel bad for your ex. I want to hold her, touch her, cuddle her, sex her.

 

[MaddXMan]

I feel bad for your ex. I want to hold her, touch her, cuddle her, sex her.

heh heh heh

 

[jophil28]

I get a text from her a few minutes ago: "I'm mad, I might do something stupid."

That's great.

Let the mindgames begin.

 

[jafyk]

This is really sad. Breaking up feels like someone dying or just died. You are supposed to go about it business-like. Ah! When I'm single I wish I'm in a relationship and when I'm in one I wish I wasn't, lol. Ah the woman dilema.

 

[Kailex]

Her mom just called me, looking for her. Said she has not been returning messages. Her mom didn't know about the breakup.

Now I kind of feel sick to my stomach.

I wouldn't put too much stock into it.
Your ex was just probably holed up in her apartment for a few days looking at sad movies, having ice cream and looking at the latest in hair styles in some random fashion magazine.

She's probably contemplating what new hairstyle to get... because as I've learned in the past, it's a way for women to "regain control in their lives".

I wouldn't worry about her withdrawing from society in general. Lots of people tend to do that and some people even do it with the sole purpose of worrying the family so they can contact you.


Stop beating yourself up.
You did what was best for YOU and what eventually was best for her... she just hasn't realized it yet.

 

[MaddXMan]

This thread should have been so simple.

I state that I want to break up with my gf. Get advice and support which I followed.....easy right?

I broke up with her Monday. Was just thinking this afternoon that it's getting easier each day.

Now a few minutes ago she sent an email that she didn't show up or call in to her work for 3 days in a row and got fired.

I didn't respond. I was feeling sorry for hurting her, now I'm irritated.

What in holy Christ was she thinking?? No matter what happens you still gotta take care of business!!

She's the one that moved out on me 7 weeks ago. Now she acts all depressed because I ended it for good.

And that's exactly one of the reasons I ended it. I just felt that it if we stayed together it was only a matter of time before she got mixed up in some big time drama.

Edited to add: I'm not going to be guilt tripped by this!!!!!!

 

[samspade]

Wow - just goes to show what some people will do to elicit pity (or place blame on others).

She's got a right to be sad about the breakup - everyone goes through it.

But her not showing up to work and getting fired? That's just pure immaturity and irresponsibility. Who does that? If this is how she deals with sadness, then be glad you're not having to deal with her anymore. What does she do when there's a death in the family??

Goes without saying but - don't respond to the email. Any response will be construed as remorse of some kind.

 

[cavedweller]

MaddXMan,

Re-key the locks...Get rid of the crazy b1tch and move on..

In a few weeks (when she stops by)..Throw the meat to her and then show her the door.

Just use her for a fvck buddy and nothing else....

 

[MaddXMan]

I took a person who was completely unequipped to deal with a breakup of this caliber and like a barbarian hacked, slashed and burned her heart and her life.

I did to her what was done to me, back in 2001 when my wife left me, the day after Christmas. That divorce was what brought me to this site (under a different username which I forget now). That was devastating and the anguish made me drop from 185 to 165 lbs.

My ex-gf's reactions and responses are her own, she is responsible, but she's so damn immature. She's going about ruining her current life situation and it's only been not even a week since the breakup. She lost her job and withdrew from school!

I should have thought like a DJ and I would never have gotten this deep.

You can't make a relationship work with someone much younger than you, and who is a different socioeconomic/stage in life than you. If they don't leave first, you will because you will get bored or frustrated.

For you older guys don't brag about pulling tail in their early 20's. You're playing with fire. Emotions may overrule logic and you will find yourself falling for one and may end up in a situation doomed for failure.

For your sake look at your behaviors and if you recognize traits of a codependent/savior mentality take immediate steps to fix those. Not only is it pathetic it's unhealthy to your mind and wallet.

It's been 9 years since I first found this site and here I am returning for advice. Only a computer could absorb all the knowledge it takes to be a man - I guess for us humans it's always going to be a learning process. But I'm going to vent here so I don't bore and depress my real life friends. They are for good times only.

Life just really sucks sometimes.

 

[MaddXMan]

By the way, aside from those posts from me above beating myself up, I have been feeling good every day. Ending it has been a weight off my shoulders. I know I made the right decision for me. Gonna go walk the dog now and enjoy the rest of the day.

 

[JAS760]

good job man
I'm in the same predicament and this is giving me hope
thank you

 

[cavedweller]

You need to come clean and tell her it is over..

Re-key your locks and start with 100% No Contact...

my 2 cents

 

[jophil28]

I took a person who was completely unequipped to deal with a breakup of this caliber and like a barbarian hacked, slashed and burned her heart and her life.

I did to her what was done to me, back in 2001 when my wife left me, the day after Christmas. That divorce was what brought me to this site (under a different username which I forget now). That was devastating and the anguish made me drop from 185 to 165 lbs.

My ex-gf's reactions and responses are her own, she is responsible, but she's so damn immature. She's going about ruining her current life situation and it's only been not even a week since the breakup. She lost her job and withdrew from school!

I should have thought like a DJ and I would never have gotten this deep.

You can't make a relationship work with someone much younger than you, and who is a different socioeconomic/stage in life than you. If they don't leave first, you will because you will get bored or frustrated.

For you older guys don't brag about pulling tail in their early 20's. You're playing with fire. Emotions may overrule logic and you will find yourself falling for one and may end up in a situation doomed for failure.

For your sake look at your behaviors and if you recognize traits of a codependent/savior mentality take immediate steps to fix those. Not only is it pathetic it's unhealthy to your mind and wallet.

It's been 9 years since I first found this site and here I am returning for advice. Only a computer could absorb all the knowledge it takes to be a man - I guess for us humans it's always going to be a learning process. But I'm going to vent here so I don't bore and depress my real life friends. They are for good times only.

Life just really sucks sometimes.

Great post. Honest and decent.

I know that it is tempting to try to craft ways of "letting her down easy" or finding ways for her to land softly. These plans ALWAYS involve resuming contact with her, and they ALWAYS backfire.

As difficult as it is, the best way is NC, and allow her to deal with her pain alone.

 

[MaddXMan]

Wow. This breakup just really ****ed her life up. She called me at work where I had to answer and I got an earful. She's fooling herself into thinking she was happy and I just ended it with out warning and didn't give her the benefit of talking it out first.

I told her it's best if we don't talk because it's too painful like when she says she loves me and misses me and I can't say it back.

I hope she hardens up quick and goes into survival mode, she needs to badly.

 

[jophil28]

Wow. This breakup just really ****ed her life up. She called me at work where I had to answer and I got an earful. She's fooling herself into thinking she was happy and I just ended it with out warning and didn't give her the benefit of talking it out first.

I told her it's best if we don't talk because it's too painful like when she says she loves me and misses me and I can't say it back.

I hope she hardens up quick and goes into survival mode, she needs to badly.

There is nothing you can do to unscramble those eggs.
NC is the most productive way to go, and ultimately it is the kindest cut of all.