Have a dilemma, need some advice

[TomSwift]

So long story short, I've had some financial setbacks and am up against a wall (divorce, unexpected debt, general stupidity, etc.). As it stands now with my current income I'd never pay off anything, and chapter 7 isn't an option because I don't pass the means test.

My apartment lease is up in April, and my parents have offered that I move in with them for a year to help get back on my feet. I figure over that time frame I could save about $10k, likely more. It's a tempting offer, to say the least. But good god, a 40 year old man living with his parents just doesn't seem right. I can't imagine how I'd handle this socially, either. Sure, my friends would be supportive, but what about dating? And would I be able to maintain a positive self-image having to move back home?

I am working on personal growth these days and de-emphasizing dating, but you never know what can happen, right? I am so torn.

I'd love to hear some of your thoughts and/or stories if you've been in a similar situation, or if you have any advice.

Cheers!

 

[Big Overseas 1]

Tom, I've been there. Sort of.

You're in a crisis situation right now, so you have to look out for the best interest of your future, not the views and opinions of some real or imaginary ladyfriend. Also, if you work your plan right, you might be able to move back out sooner.

And when you do meet ladies you can always spin the story like you're just moved in with your folks to help them out, rather than the other way around.

 

[grayclif]

Think about putting woman on the backburner for the next year or so. Move in with your folks while working extra hard on yourself. Save your money, go to the gym and focus on your career.

And after a year when you have enough saved and your looking good and have a bit of change in your pocket. It will be hard for the woman not to take notice.

 

[scrouds]

Forget the women, work on getting your situation under control. Whether that's throuhg moving in with your folks or picking up a second and third job, just do it.

 

[Romjuan]

I agree with putting girls on the back burner for now, but also think about this.... If you do meet a girl, and she understands your situation....and is supportive. That has got to be a high quality woman that you know will be by your side through thick and thin long term. The girls that disqualify you because of this is a good thing because you know they arent the kind of girl you would like to be with.

In the situation a girl wants to go home with you, hopefully you have a friend that will allow you to rent a room on a weekend basis

 

[Bible_Belt]

chapter 7 isn't an option because I don't pass the means test.


Are you close at all? What if your household size changed? Do you have any deadbeat family who can come live on your couch? I'm not kidding.

Modify your life circumstances so that you do meet the Chapter 7 guidelines, and it's very easy to make your debt disappear. Student loans and other obligations to the government are non-dischargeable, but credit cards go away easily. Courts and lenders are also now allowing "ride-throughs," which means you can keep your car or house, be discharged of the balance on the loan, and simply keep making the payment if you want to keep the asset. You don't need a lawyer, and the court fees are only about $300.

 

[DropZone3]

I know it sucks to move back in with your parents, but if things are as bad as you said it may be your best option as this will benefit you long term.

Good luck

 

[Warrior74]

At the end of 2009 I was up against it. Credit cards, loans from emergencies child support and rent were eating me alive. I don't make a lot of money and live in two bed room apartment. My parents live 3 states away. I had to make some sacrifices.

First I sold everything I could on ebay to get the immediate debts off my back (to keep the lights on and keep my car). Then I got a part time job. Next I did the hardest thing I ever had to do, I gave up my daughter's room and got a roommate to split the bills. I haven't had a roommate since college. Finally, I started my own website providing services to internet marketers I did cheap graphic design on several other sites. I started making several extra hundred a month. I then started going after bigger clients offline and started networking.

It's been a long hard year with tons of late nights and days with no sleep or women, but I finally have everything paid off but my car (and student loans). I have a couple of grand in the bank for the first time in forever. I landed a major US corporation as a client and I partnered up with a local company to do their marketing and video production. I'm still working insane hours, but I pulled myself back from the brink.

So do what you have to do.

 

[TomSwift]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Definitely some things to think about.

I think my biggest fear is feeling like I'd have given up my autonomy. But as Warrior said, "do what you have to do," right? I'm blessed that I have folks who are still financially viable enough who can put me up for a year.

@Bible_Belt: last time I went through the means test I had approx. $500 in disposable income (of course that barely makes a dent in my debt each month) which disqualified me. I'll have to play with the calculator to see what I need to to do shrink that number.

@Warrior: sounds like you went through a similar situation. So if your parents lived in the same town would you have moved in with them?

 

[KarmaSutra]

When I left my ex-wife I moved straight in with my Dad.

36 year old cat living with a 59 year old old-school player.

The Earth shook.

In truth, his health isn't the greatest and I helped him with things he wasn't able to do anymore. He helped me by not charging me rent.

I saved a buttload of cash. Like you, I felt a stigma, but it was all in my noggin'.

In fact, I was more successful with women (They love the fact that I was nurturing my Pop's to health in his later years). I had my space, he had his. When his b!tches came over, I'd plan accordingly.

It's all how you frame your reality around the situation.

 

[Warrior74]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Definitely some things to think about.

I think my biggest fear is feeling like I'd have given up my autonomy. But as Warrior said, "do what you have to do," right? I'm blessed that I have folks who are still financially viable enough who can put me up for a year.

@Bible_Belt: last time I went through the means test I had approx. $500 in disposable income (of course that barely makes a dent in my debt each month) which disqualified me. I'll have to play with the calculator to see what I need to to do shrink that number.

@Warrior: sounds like you went through a similar situation. So if your parents lived in the same town would you have moved in with them?

Probably not. I hate to say it but I have a stubborn pride in me. When I turned 18 my father told me, college, military or a job...but you can't stay here. He wasn't being mean, he just wanted me to stand on my own. When I dropped out of college I could have moved home, but I lived in the projects for two years hustling until I got a job. I wanted to prove that I didn't need anyone. It's just not in my nature, but it probably would have been a smarter move. Sometimes my pride gets in the way.

If you do move home, remember why you are there. Don't get complacent, keep that fire in your belly and work like a mad man to be free.

I saved a buttload of cash. Like you, I felt a stigma, but it was all in my noggin'.

In fact, I was more successful with women (They love the fact that I was nurturing my Pop's to health in his later years). I had my space, he had his. When his b!tches came over, I'd plan accordingly.

It's all how you frame your reality around the situation.

I have a couple of friends in their 30s who live at home, and they are some sad sacks. Mainly because they can't mentally reframe their situation. If they could it wouldn't be an issue in their dating.

 

[Noodles]

Two years ago I left 8 years of living in theatre in some sanky fox hole with three other guys (I learnt three things are REALLY certain in life - death, taxes and masturbation) to come back to the UK and do a normal job.

I hadn't seen anyone that wasn't at war for 9 years. All my friends where either in Iraq, Afghanistan or some other dull places. I had money but no idea where to live or how to adapt back to civvy street. I spent 7 months living with my mum on her horrible council estate surrounded by drug dealers and *****s. A step backwards from being an officer in Royal Marines? It's a state of mind. One step backwards to prepare for the leap forwards.

My independence was gone, but I used this as an excuse to stay out more. I joined a rugby, kyokushin, climbing, bjj, shooting and scuba club. I met zero women doing this. So I also joined a latin dance class. Ultimately all these things expanded my social circle and let me back 'in' to society. My independence had always been away from a 'home' because I've never really one. You define your home and who you are.

During that time I met lovely ladies. I told them the situation. We went to their place. It doesn't mean stuff needs to stop.

You need to concentrate on your immediate requirements. But people are adaptable. You're much stronger than you think you are. You'll adapt and develop and life will return to normal. What you're doing is pushing changing things for the better by pushing yourself into a new environment. Use this as an opportunity to try new things and expand your horizons. This can be the making, not the breaking, of you.

 

[Zunder]

Im 40, back with the olds.
Mum not in good health, but real reason is I am broke...spent most my money on booze and chasing women.
I got some dues to pay.
I have recently (very recently) given up drinking.
As warrior said...reframe, reframe, reframe.
Chicks just have to take the back burner.
If they call you a mummys boy - fvck 'em. They are not worth it.
I know how you feel though...
You will find you do a lot of wanking - but just dont let your parents catch you fapping....kinda reminds me of 'American Pie' LOL

 

[ajay]

no shame in having to do what you're having to do. If a woman comes along, just don't tell her about your circumstances and don't invite her back. Could work in your favour in the end. Before you know it you'll be back on your feet and well over this minor hurdle.

 

[TomSwift]

Gotta say, you guys rock. Three days ago I wouldn't have even considered making the move. Tonight I'm calling my mom telling her that come April she'll have a house guest. Y'all are spot on with the advice and I greatly appreciate it. Ultimately it's not about things external; gotta take care of what's important first. The rest will follow when I'm ready.

I'll spread around as much rep as possible. :rockon:

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Warrior,
Your story is inspirational.....You are a great role model for some of our less privileged Brothers.

 

[KarmaSutra]

With the cash I saved I now live in a very sweet bachelor paradise.

Me and the LoveSac have entertained many a broad, and many more to follow.

 

[Warrior74]

Dear Warrior,
Your story is inspirational.....You are a great role model for some of our less privileged Brothers.

I'm no role model. Just a guy trying to make it like everyone else. To the OP. Good luck bro, you'll be fine.