hardcore mixed signals making me miserable

[ohiobohio518]

Quick background: hb8. Attractive, talented, intelligent, and knows it - and with shockingly high standards to boot. Some people judge her quickly and consider her a superficial abrasive b1tch, explaining her little to no experience with men. To me, personally, she is a sweet girl with a unique personality. I developed feelings for her. We attend schools 1000 miles apart. I wanted to get with her over thanksgiving when we were both back in our hometown.

Cut to the chase:
We watch a movie Wed. night at my house, on my bed. Your typical oh-I-like-you, I-like-you-too type flirting takes place. I am convinced that I'm a sho-in. However I don't kiss her because I don't want to take things too fast and I knew I'll be seeing her again within the next few days.

The next day:
Text messages-
her: maybe hang out later?
me: dont u celebrate thanksgiving...?
her: yea but ill be free tonight
[at this point im thinking, um. thanksgiving is for you to spend with ur family. what are you doing.]
me: call me later
[[later]]
her: i think im gonna stay in tonight ill see you tomorrow hopefully
[my thoughts: k, perfectly understandable, after all its thanksgiving.]

Friday:
Text messages-
me: come over later
her: k
me: 9ish
her: ok

She shows up. It's awkward at first but we seem to pick up where we left off Wednesday. MIXED SIGNALS BEGIN.
It seems like she's not sitting nearly as close to me as she was before. I try to tickle her (she's not ticklish, I'm aware of this. but I try it anyway) and she just lays there stonefaced. After a while, she says, "OK, you can stop now." I playfully tell her she's no fun. At this point, I'm turned off. I feel like she has completely rejected me. Realizing I have nothing to lose, I try some other flirting antics. Sometimes she'd respond but most of the time she does not. However.. she rests her head on a pillow on my lap, an action that begs: put your arm around me. I put my arm around her. Within seconds she shifts and moves away.

She also keeps flashing open and closed body language all night. One time she'd have her body tilted all the way to me, touching me, and the next thing I know, she's trying to keep her distance.

At this point, I'm like, What the f*ck. Make up your goddamn mind.
1) You very willingly came over to my house, twice, over a 3-day-period. This must mean SOMETHING.
2) Over the course of the past few months while we were away from each other at our respective colleges, you gave me nothing but positive messages:
Text messages, including, but not limited to:
-"I wish I could be with you right now"
-Random kisses and hearts
-"I miss you"s
-(Me: I'm gonna be antisocial tonight) Her: "Antisocial is good. I wish I could be antisocial with you."
-(Me: You know if you're secretly in love with me you can be less subtle about it) Her: "I'm not denying it."
-"You're cute."
-"I want a boyfriend but the guys here suck."

Phone calls that last 60-90 minutes - We are 1000 miles away for two months. Don't tell me it's un-DJ-like.
-She also asked me to senior prom when we had never talked to each other, ever, in our lives. According to a source she was asked by 8 other guys and turned down every one of them. I'm lame so I didn't make a move on her that night.

---
Anyway, when she had to leave, I was turned off/tired/exhausted, so I didn't say much. I was convinced that I got played on for the past 2 months. I couldn't believe that this girl was that much of a tease. At the door:
Me: All right.. I guess I'll.. see you later.
Her: .. Yeah..
[awkward pause]
Her: Anything going on tomorrow night?
Me: I dunno
[awkward pause]
Me: Well, if I don't see you tomorrow, see you in December.
Her: OK. Bye.

We don't hug. She doesn't even smile.

I'm so. freaking. confused. Why would she say and do all she did if she didn't like me?

P.S. She does not have a reputation for being a tease. A prude, maybe.

 

[ohiobohio518]

bump. bah. please respond.

 

[abcd_z]

Unbelievable.

You didn't escalate, you didn't even try to escalate, and you wonder why she's giving you mixed signals?

Of course she came over to your house! The problem is not whether or not she was attracted to you. The problem is the fact that she put herself in a situation where it was just the two of you in a private area, and you didn't do anything to act on it!

Most attracted women will still expect you to lead the situation. You didn't do this. You mentioned you didn't kiss her when you had the chance, because you didn't want to take it too fast. I call B.S. on this. In another post, you claimed you didn't want to sleep around, because you were waiting for somebody that could live up to your standards. I call B.S. on this one as well. I'm sure you have your standards, but the reason that you did nothing is simply because you were afraid. You didn't want to be rejected, so you did nothing. And because of that, you lost a window of opportunity.

Next time you're in a situation like that, when you're built attraction and rapport with a woman who then puts herself in a position to spend some alone-time with you, ESCALATE!

Start kissing her, see how she responds. In fact, try to go for the full monty if you can. Try to see how far you can get before she stops you. Even if it makes things horribly awkward and she never wants to see you again, it still can't be worse than the mind-games you're currently putting yourself through. To quote BradP, "Blow me or blow me out!"

 

[ohiobohio518]

the reason that you did nothing is simply because you were afraid. You didn't want to be rejected, so you did nothing. And because of that, you lost a window of opportunity.

I agree. but totally not with this:

You didn't escalate, you didn't even try to escalate

Yes I did! I took this "window of opportunity." I'm sorry, was putting my arm around her and seeing how she responds not enough of an "escalation"?

Try to see how far you can get before she stops you.

Was the moving away part not enough of a "stop"?

I dunno how this is unbelievable.

 

[abcd_z]

Sorry, I should have specified. I was talking about the first time she was over at your house. You had the chance then but you didn't take it. Now you're in recovery mode. Nine times out of ten, it's more effort than it's really worth when you're stuck in a situation like that. I should know, I've been there.

And for the record, putting your arm over her isn't sexual. It's comfort kino. Giving her a massage, leaning in and talking to her in a slow, sensual voice right up by her ear so she can feel your breath, nibbling her ear/neck, all of these are sexual kino.

Or, you could have gone the aggressive route and had her stand up, push her against the wall, and start making out with her. Since I get the feeling you're a "nice guy" in the perjorative sense of the phrase, this probably would have been too out of character for you.

Really, anything that gets her turned on is what you should have been going for. Find somebody else to try this stuff on (not Kate), and let us know how it goes.

 

[ohiobohio518]

Nine times out of ten, it's more effort than it's really worth when you're stuck in a situation like that. I should know, I've been there.

Well then, I'm gonna take that chance the next time I see her. She wasn't some one night stand pick up. I really like her.

putting your arm over her isn't sexual. It's comfort kino

I'm not sure you get what I'm saying. If she moves away from a "comfort kino" before I even try a sexual one, how would that motivate me to escalate? That's like trying to go for sex when she won't even let you touch her boobs.

 

[abcd_z]

Once again, I was talking about the first time she was at your house. You didn't escalate then, so now things were awkward the second time around. I can't honestly recommend trying to fix the situation, because the more you attempt, the worse things are going to get. And, from the looks of it, you're already too serious about this.

It seems like she's not sitting nearly as close to me as she was before. I try to tickle her (she's not ticklish, I'm aware of this. but I try it anyway) and she just lays there stonefaced. After a while, she says, "OK, you can stop now." I playfully tell her she's no fun. At this point, I'm turned off. I feel like she has completely rejected me.

At this point, you were displaying needy behavior. She could tell this, and it was a turn-off for her. Beyond this point, there's little chance of redemption. I know this because I fell into the same trap myself once, right down to the same behaviors (tickling her though she's not ticklish, "you're no fun", taking it personally).

Your best bet: Forget about her and move on.
My best bet: I'm giving 4:1 odds that ohiobohio's still gonna try to win her over, get even more frustrated, and get his feelings hurt.

Any takers on that action?

 

[amoka]

Consider you fail to escallate things with her when she first came to your house, you should not have allowed her to come the next day. She expected something from you the first encounter which was why was willing to come over again. She tested your AFCims by being aloof, which of course you failed.

The next day:
Text messages-
her: maybe hang out later?
me: dont u celebrate thanksgiving...?
her: yea but ill be free tonight
[at this point im thinking, um. thanksgiving is for you to spend with ur family. what are you doing.]
me: call me later

You made yourself too available for her. And don't ever tell a girl to call you later, when you know very well she can take her time in doing so and maybe even not call at all.

 

[patrickk]

Shes playing you. If you can get her on the phone or whatever try to touch her emotions, romance, etc. So far its all physical and she knows it. You need to convince her that shes not just another f**ck so go ahead and lie to her.

 

[ohiobohio518]

you should not have allowed her to come the next day

I'm not sure if you read my initial post thoroughly. This was a very special case, as we only had four days to hang out, one of which was thanksgiving, so basically three. I don't think it's fair to treat this as if I have all the time in the world to do stuff with her.

I usually never say "call me later." I've read the DJ bible. This isn't your typical case. It was thanksgiving night. It's customary - no one hangs out with their friends thanksgiving night. I however do not celebrate it. So it was plenty clear that I had no plans. I don't think I'm too available at all.

My best bet: I'm giving 4:1 odds that ohiobohio's still gonna try to win her over, get even more frustrated, and get his feelings hurt.

Amoka, and anyone else other than abcd_z: I respect abcd's opinion, but I just want validation from others.

 

[amoka]

I'm having the feeling you've created oneitis with this girl. If you really want to be with this girl, call her sometimes tomorrow and tell her you have a surprise for her. Now based on your previous posts, I know this is going to hard for your to execute but you just have to do it. Now when you call her, tel her to come to your place for the surprise. Once she arives at your house, tell her to close her eyes, and use one hand to cover her eyes and say " I just want to make sure to don't open your eyes sneakly". Walk her around the room for about 30sec acting like you're trying to lead her to the gift. Spin her aroun a little bit, about 180deg and say "here comes the gift. I'll count to three then you open your eyes. 1, 2, 3." Plant a kiss right on her lips. She'll be surprised indeed. This procedure will take great confidence to execute successfully. Remember, she is interested in you already. Try it and let us know of the outcome.

 

[ohiobohio518]

Amoka,

Too late. She's leaving tomorrow morning. I will not see her until next Thursday, when I visit her school for 2 nights/3 days. I will be sleeping in her dorm room. We will be alone. There will be plenty of opportunities here.

But let's say she doesn't take this "surprise" very well. I would have to spend the next 2 nights with her regardless of the outcome.

Oh the situations I get myself into...

Should I pull what you suggested above when I see her next Thursday?'

Though... that takes more confidence than .. anything I've ever done in my life. Holy crap. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. Aka it's never going to happen. I hate to think of this as a lost cause.

 

[CactusMcDougal]

Even as a man who has never had the, forgive my crassness, balls to seriously approach a woman, I would have to say that you should "next" her. You're worrying too much about the situation; if you have to worry, it's not worth it.

 

[amoka]

Even as a man who has never had the, forgive my crassness, balls to seriously approach a woman, I would have to say that you should "next" her. You're worrying too much about the situation; if you have to worry, it's not worth it.

I'll have to disagree with you on this one. The girl has done absolutely nothing wrong to be nexted. A situation such as this deserves good analysis:
1. The girl came to the guy's house not only once but twice consecutively
2. Not only did she watched movie with him at his house, but also on his bed.
Now tell me what this girl did to be nexted! It boiled down to the failure of the guy. He simply failed to escallate thing, in their initial encounter. If anyone is to be nexted here, it is ohiobohio518 for failure to esacallate. Now, if he has realized his mistakes and is willing to work around it, he can give it another try.

I agree with you that ohiobohio518 is worrying too much about the whole thing, but this girl did absolutely nothing wrong to be nexted.

 

[SubSoniq]

even though the girl did nothing wrong, i personally think she should be nexted anyway - because of the situation. I know I'm new here and I don't have any rep, but if you think about it, he won't be nexting the girl, but the situation in whole. The failure to act the first time, the 'distancing' she gave him and the failure the second time. Right there, the situation is pretty rough, probably a lot closer to friendzone than anything else. If things left off so awkwardly friday night, think how awkward it would be for 3 days with her, if she keeps it up like that...also... LDR's are tough, I try to stay in a 20 mile radius...1000 miles is like what.. 1/4 of the country?

 

[ohiobohio518]

For the first time ever, I'm going to go against majority opinion here. There is absolutely no way I can avoid the 3 day visit next week. For the next week, I'm going to keep doing what I was doing for the past few months that got her interested in me in the first place. Then I'll head over there and the moment she lets me get close enough to her I'm just gonna kiss her. Even if she rejects me.. I'll pretend that nothing happend. I'm pretty good at that.

I guess I just wanted to know if she was ever interested in me in the first place because I suck at figuring that out and I didn't want to make a "does she like me??" thread. I always look for some minor detail that says she's not interested in me in that way. I'm so AFC.