Guess i just have to go with it

[NoSure91]

38M, wife is 33, 2 young kids.

Went to a dinner, couples talking with each other, someone mentioned his wife is his soulmate. Others agreed.

I dont feel like that about my wife (i dont really love her romantically and question i ever did. but i appreciate her alot and respect her). We are a good team, good parents, never fight, no tocixicty, i make good money, shes home and does most of the house hold, shes a kind soul,
she doesnt like sex but is fairly attracitve, if i get sex occasionally its like masturbating with a nice body, we rarely have anything to talk about other than kids or our indiviual hobbies. But its not an abusive relationship. Just not a soulmate one either. I tried for three years now to spice things up, take her out more, take stress from her. Get myself in shape and dress better. Even got a hair implant lol. Nothing really changed in her behaviour. Maybe briefly then she goes back to ignoring me.

Kinda not sure where to go from here. Guess for the kids i have to stick it out and find my "connection" with friends etc and focus on hobbies and improving myself. I guess iam also too old to find decent love easily again + the effect it will have on children. Anyone has been in that position? Too good to leave to bad to stay basically?

Another thing that kept me thinking was the sudden death of a close friend. Now iam low key midlife crising my life. Kinda like getting fomo for the years i have left.

Sometimes i think maybe i get something on the side just to cover the sex part but its probably not worth it and too risky.

Please give me your take on this,
Thanks!


edit: we married after condom broke and she got pregnant. It didnt feel wrong back then though. Like the relationship was much better and easier (kids are stressful).

 

[BaronOfHair]

"I dont feel like that about my wife (i dont really love her romantically..."

At the risk of asking a rhetorical question: Why are you even married to her then? Is this("I don't actually love her")a realization you had recently, or were you already having misgivings the day of the wedding?

 

[SW15]

This is a dreary existence. File for divorce.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You married the wrong person.

And when you say she doesn't like sex, you forgot to put in the last two words that are what is really true

"She doesn't like sex...with me".

 

[NoSure91]

"I dont feel like that about my wife (i dont really love her romantically..."

At the risk of asking a rhetorical question: Why are you even married to her then? Is this("I don't actually love her")a realization you had recently, or were you already having misgivings the day of the wedding?

I was in a toxic relationship before her for a year which i broke off. And she was everything but toxic. Quite nice actually. And we expected a child so i tried to focus on the positive sites and make the right decision.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Another thing that kept me thinking was the sudden death of a close friend. Now iam low key midlife crising my life. Kinda like getting fomo for the years i have left.

Sometimes i think maybe i get something on the side just to cover the sex part but its probably not worth it and too risky.

Did you talk with your wife about this?

 

[NoSure91]

This is a dreary existence. File for divorce.

It is. I talked to a buddy of mine and he said i will hardly find anything better at our age. And that iam maybe just depressed and searching for a reason. I dont know tbh.

 

[NoSure91]

Did you talk with your wife about this?

Yes. She says that iam thinking to negative. That our relationship has flaws but we also get along well. And she cried because she didnt want our children to be raised without a father present.

 

[SW15]

It is. I talked to a buddy of mine and he said i will hardly find anything better at our age. And that iam maybe just depressed and searching for a reason. I dont know tbh.

I am dating as a 40 year old man. I'm childless and you're not. I can tell you that dating as a 40 year old man is a pain in the butt. However, it is better than being in a loveless, minimal sex relationship.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Yes. She says that iam thinking to negative. That our relationship has flaws but we also get along well. And she cried because she didnt want our children to be raised without a father present.

Did you talk about sexual dissatisfaction and how her lack of enthusiasm makes you think of infidelity?

 

[NoSure91]

Did you talk about sexual dissatisfaction and how her lack of enthusiasm makes you think of infidelity?

Kind of. Like i didnt say i that iam thinking of hiring an escort or something but i told her i was unhappy. Then it got better for a while. Tried with toys, different positions etc. Now its back to about once every two weeks.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Did you talk about sexual dissatisfaction and how her lack of enthusiasm makes you think of infidelity?

She ain't into him just like he ain't into her.

Trust me she is just as, if not more, dissatisfied. OP says she doesn't like having sex, but that's not true.

She doesn't like having sex with him.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Kind of. Like i didnt say i that iam thinking of hiring an escort or something but i told her i was unhappy. Then it got better for a while. Tried with toys, different positions etc. Now its back to about once every two weeks.

The main problem is often that your libido has to match with that of your lover. I have a high libido, so I wouldn't match with a woman who isn't enthusiastic about sex. And I consider sex to be an integral part of a relationship, otherwise we can just be friends.

Did she ever enjoy sex with you or was she always this lacklustre?

 

[BaronOfHair]

I was in a toxic relationship before her for a year which i broke off. And she was everything but toxic. Quite nice actually. And we expected a child so i tried to focus on the positive sites and make the right decision.

I'm inferring that you both married on account of a pregnancy. This has been the source of heartache for men and women alike since the beginning of our species

 

[NoSure91]

The main problem is often that your libido has to match with that of your lover. I have a high libido, so I wouldn't match with a woman who isn't enthusiastic about sex. And I consider sex to be an integral part of a relationship, otherwise we can just be friends.

Did she ever enjoy sex with you or was she always this lacklustre?

Always kind of lacklustre to be honest.

 

[NoSure91]

I have to say the thing that messes me up most is the thought of my children. Not seeing them daily or hurting them deeply or messing them up in any way hurts me. If we had no kids id be probably just gone.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Always kind of lacklustre to be honest.

Sounds like you'd need to talk her into getting yourself some sex on the side to keep you happy.

You could be going through a midlife crisis, but the whole situations sounds like you're mired in an unhappy marriage.

 

[NoSure91]

I have to say iam also a late bloomer. I had my first girlfriend and sex at 25 because of health conditions - (it was not possible to date prior), then met current wife. Probably sex with <7 women in total. So i have not much to compare my current relationship with. Could be that iam doing better than i think iam doing.

 

[Mertz09]

I have to say iam also a late bloomer. I had my first girlfriend and sex at 25 because of health conditions - (it was not possible to date prior), then met current wife. Probably sex with <7 women in total. So i have not much to compare my current relationship with. Could be that iam doing better than i think iam doing.

Read the book "The Rational Male" Rollo Tomassi He has a YouTube channel also.

The idea of the "Soul Mate" is a myth created by the femicentric view and Hollywood etc. There is no such thing as the only woman for you. It is what it is. It can be a simple as you make it what you want to be.

" I talked to a buddy of mine and he said I will hardly find anything better at our age. "
This is not necessarily true; I am 20+ years older than you, there are attractive and intelligent women out there for the older gents.
I'm not saying you should cheat or leave her but there are options for us all.

OP you are not that old, and you may be doing better than you think. The children complicate things. IMO

 

[NoSure91]

i used the search function a bit.
I found this thread: https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/feeling-stuck-with-young-kid.277609/

I wonder why this guy got so much different advise from my situation.