stormwriter
Senior Don Juan
Since my current weakness is playing amateur therapist with chicks, i found this article very good at pointing out the differences in listening versus fixing their stupid problems. Sorry, it's kind of long, but a good read if you are concentrating on this particular subject.
"Shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way?"
-The Smiths
Ever wonder why is it that Luis -- the underwear model -- always manages to bring the women he chats up back to his place? It can't be all about his great looks. After all, you've seen so many other good-looking men go home empty-handed. What is it about Luis -- the underwear model -- that charms the ladies so?
The big difference between the big players of this world and the regular guys is their listening skills. A lot of men don't know this, but you can actually improve your chances of sleeping with a woman by listening and responding properly to her dialogue.
listen with ears, not mouth
In general, most men are awful listeners and tend to talk too much. Most fellows take the "Analyzing, Judging & Advising" listening approach, also known as the "Listening to help her with her problems so that she can appreciate me more and hopefully want to have sex with me" approach. Such an approach, obviously, is the wrong one.
Your target already has her mommy, daddy, Aunt Nosy, and her fat, ugly friends criticizing and lecturing her with their own moral advice. The last thing she wants is to meet yet another person who will make her feel terrible about a particular problem.
On the other hand, she wants to meet someone who will listen and understand her, as well as relate to her problems without judging her or providing unwanted advice. In order to be this person, you have to learn how to chat using the "Active Listening Approach."
your active style
Active listening skills are helpful in general intelligence gathering. This particular weapon is used to scan for hooks (points of interest to feed on) and red flags (subjects to avoid). Once you have all the relevant information, you can move on to social influence using the intelligence you've gathered. Hey, you've always wanted to be a spy; here's your chance to play James Bond -- without her knowledge, of course.
Here's how you can get started:
Encourage thoughts by asking her open-ended questions and then begin with your "active listening" skills (intelligence gathering).
Use minimal verbal encouragements, such as "Yes, go on," "Okay," "I see," and "Uh huh."
Whenever she pauses, repeat the last few words of her last sentence and then pause. This is a common interrogation technique used by Federal agents to encourage individuals to continue revealing their true thoughts.
Don't interrupt her and try to encourage her train of thought without agreeing or disagreeing. This will help you learn more about her.
Demonstrate your understanding as if you're walking in her stilettos.
Label her emotions in order to be perceived as empathetic (e.g., "You sound excited," "You sound tormented," "Wow, you're really passionate about..." or "I've never met someone so fervent about this").
Summarize her key points in your own words and pay special attention to the labeled emotions in order to demonstrate understanding and build trust (e.g., "Let me get this straight, you've been trying to get this modeling job for over six months now and you finally got it today? I can understand why you're so excited about it").
Be brief and identify with her by pointing out a common interest or feeling. If you listened well, you should have a few hooks to help you (e.g., "I know what you mean. Before I was a photographer, I used to model underwear and it took me a long time to get the gig as well).
Steer the conversation toward gratification. Do not talk about sex; however, it is okay to hint at it using stand-in distractions, such as dessert, cars, clothing, vacations, celebrations, or drinks.
time to approach
Now that you understand the importance of active listening, here are two examples; one that you should avoid at all costs, and one that you should model in your own conversations. Discover how The Player plays his auditory mind games.
The Joe Schmoe approach
Joe Schmoe: "How are you?" (Asking a close-ended question)
Jen: "Fine."
Joe Schmoe: "I heard you got into a fight with your family tonight. What happened?" (Introducing the psychologist)
Jen: "Oh, my parents are really making me feel guilty about my constant partying on weekends."
Joe Schmoe: "Maybe they're right and are only looking out for your best interests." (Giving advice)
Jen: "You think so? Oh boy, I really feel confused." (Feeling judged)
Joe Schmoe: "Hey, I went through the same thing. Luckily for me, I came to my senses at the right time and finished college. Now I'm a successful lawyer and I owe it all to my parents' insistence. You know, you can't blame them for caring because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." (Talking too much -- about himself)
Jen: "I guess you're right. Thanks for listening. You're a really nice guy. I appreciate having you as a friend."
Joe Schmoe: "No problem."
Jen: "I guess I'm gonna go home now. I have a lot to think about."
On to the approach The Player uses...
The Player: "Hi Jen. What's up, you seem down tonight?"
Jen: "Hi David. Oh, I'm having a bad day. My parents are really making me feel guilty (red flag) about my constant partying on weekends (hook)." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Uh-huh." (Providing minimal encouragement)
Jen: "They think that I'm wasting my time and should be married by now." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Be married by now?" (Repeat last few words)
Jen: "I know, can you believe it? I just hate it when they make me feel guilty. Maybe they're right. Maybe guys see me as damaged goods." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Hey, don't worry about it. You work hard all week, right? Partying on the weekend is your own little way of rewarding yourself for working so hard during the week. Enjoy yourself while you still can." (Demonstrating understanding)
Jen: "That's what I say! You see, you know how I feel. There's nothing wrong with having a little fun." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Yeah, have a little fun!" (Repeating last few words)
Jen: "And why not? I'm young, smart and I have a lot of time ahead of me." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "That's right." (Providing minimal encouragement)
Jen: "Besides, I just got a modeling contract and I've been waiting for this for so many months now. I'm so excited! Why would I ever want to settle down? I mean, imagine having your picture on the cover of a prestigious magazine?" (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Wow, you're really passionate about this." (Labeling emotion)
Jen: "Are you kidding me? I'm so excited about it I haven't gotten any sleep in the past few days." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "So let me get this straight. You're upset because your parents want you to stop partying and settle down. Yet your modeling career just kicked into high gear and now's the wrong time to get hitched?" (Summarize in your own words)
Jen: "Can you believe it?" (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "I can understand why you're so upset. You know, before I became a photographer, I did some modeling and I know how hard it is to make it in this business. So don't pass up this opportunity." (Identifying a common interest or feeling)
Jen: "I won't. Thanks, you made me feel so much better!" (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Hey, what did you do to celebrate the occasion?" (Steering conversation toward gratification)
Jen: "Nothing really." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "You're kidding me? Oh we can't have that. Tonight we're going to celebrate. We'll start off with some champagne." (Gratification)
Jen: "Oh that's my favorite. I get all tingly (hook) inside whenever I drink champagne." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "You mean you get excited? Oh, maybe we shouldn't get champagne after all. I wouldn't want you to be all over me." (Implying suggestive gratification)
Jen: "There's nothing wrong with that..."
The Player: "Uh huh."
know your tongue
There you have it; it's that simple. Most women appreciate a man who knows how to actively listen without judging or providing too much advice. They love it when a man understands and validates their point (even if they're totally wrong). So if you want to get a woman on her backside, first you have to get on her good side by giving her the gift of an empathetic ear.
And one more piece of advice before you open your ears: as always, don't drink and chat because alcohol will definitely affect your ability to communicate and listen properly. Although it's okay to have a few drinks to help you relax, you must never abuse your liquor. Remember; the more you drink, the more talking Johnnie Walker will do for you.
"Shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way?"
-The Smiths
Ever wonder why is it that Luis -- the underwear model -- always manages to bring the women he chats up back to his place? It can't be all about his great looks. After all, you've seen so many other good-looking men go home empty-handed. What is it about Luis -- the underwear model -- that charms the ladies so?
The big difference between the big players of this world and the regular guys is their listening skills. A lot of men don't know this, but you can actually improve your chances of sleeping with a woman by listening and responding properly to her dialogue.
listen with ears, not mouth
In general, most men are awful listeners and tend to talk too much. Most fellows take the "Analyzing, Judging & Advising" listening approach, also known as the "Listening to help her with her problems so that she can appreciate me more and hopefully want to have sex with me" approach. Such an approach, obviously, is the wrong one.
Your target already has her mommy, daddy, Aunt Nosy, and her fat, ugly friends criticizing and lecturing her with their own moral advice. The last thing she wants is to meet yet another person who will make her feel terrible about a particular problem.
On the other hand, she wants to meet someone who will listen and understand her, as well as relate to her problems without judging her or providing unwanted advice. In order to be this person, you have to learn how to chat using the "Active Listening Approach."
your active style
Active listening skills are helpful in general intelligence gathering. This particular weapon is used to scan for hooks (points of interest to feed on) and red flags (subjects to avoid). Once you have all the relevant information, you can move on to social influence using the intelligence you've gathered. Hey, you've always wanted to be a spy; here's your chance to play James Bond -- without her knowledge, of course.
Here's how you can get started:
Encourage thoughts by asking her open-ended questions and then begin with your "active listening" skills (intelligence gathering).
Use minimal verbal encouragements, such as "Yes, go on," "Okay," "I see," and "Uh huh."
Whenever she pauses, repeat the last few words of her last sentence and then pause. This is a common interrogation technique used by Federal agents to encourage individuals to continue revealing their true thoughts.
Don't interrupt her and try to encourage her train of thought without agreeing or disagreeing. This will help you learn more about her.
Demonstrate your understanding as if you're walking in her stilettos.
Label her emotions in order to be perceived as empathetic (e.g., "You sound excited," "You sound tormented," "Wow, you're really passionate about..." or "I've never met someone so fervent about this").
Summarize her key points in your own words and pay special attention to the labeled emotions in order to demonstrate understanding and build trust (e.g., "Let me get this straight, you've been trying to get this modeling job for over six months now and you finally got it today? I can understand why you're so excited about it").
Be brief and identify with her by pointing out a common interest or feeling. If you listened well, you should have a few hooks to help you (e.g., "I know what you mean. Before I was a photographer, I used to model underwear and it took me a long time to get the gig as well).
Steer the conversation toward gratification. Do not talk about sex; however, it is okay to hint at it using stand-in distractions, such as dessert, cars, clothing, vacations, celebrations, or drinks.
time to approach
Now that you understand the importance of active listening, here are two examples; one that you should avoid at all costs, and one that you should model in your own conversations. Discover how The Player plays his auditory mind games.
The Joe Schmoe approach
Joe Schmoe: "How are you?" (Asking a close-ended question)
Jen: "Fine."
Joe Schmoe: "I heard you got into a fight with your family tonight. What happened?" (Introducing the psychologist)
Jen: "Oh, my parents are really making me feel guilty about my constant partying on weekends."
Joe Schmoe: "Maybe they're right and are only looking out for your best interests." (Giving advice)
Jen: "You think so? Oh boy, I really feel confused." (Feeling judged)
Joe Schmoe: "Hey, I went through the same thing. Luckily for me, I came to my senses at the right time and finished college. Now I'm a successful lawyer and I owe it all to my parents' insistence. You know, you can't blame them for caring because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." (Talking too much -- about himself)
Jen: "I guess you're right. Thanks for listening. You're a really nice guy. I appreciate having you as a friend."
Joe Schmoe: "No problem."
Jen: "I guess I'm gonna go home now. I have a lot to think about."
On to the approach The Player uses...
The Player: "Hi Jen. What's up, you seem down tonight?"
Jen: "Hi David. Oh, I'm having a bad day. My parents are really making me feel guilty (red flag) about my constant partying on weekends (hook)." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Uh-huh." (Providing minimal encouragement)
Jen: "They think that I'm wasting my time and should be married by now." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Be married by now?" (Repeat last few words)
Jen: "I know, can you believe it? I just hate it when they make me feel guilty. Maybe they're right. Maybe guys see me as damaged goods." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Hey, don't worry about it. You work hard all week, right? Partying on the weekend is your own little way of rewarding yourself for working so hard during the week. Enjoy yourself while you still can." (Demonstrating understanding)
Jen: "That's what I say! You see, you know how I feel. There's nothing wrong with having a little fun." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Yeah, have a little fun!" (Repeating last few words)
Jen: "And why not? I'm young, smart and I have a lot of time ahead of me." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "That's right." (Providing minimal encouragement)
Jen: "Besides, I just got a modeling contract and I've been waiting for this for so many months now. I'm so excited! Why would I ever want to settle down? I mean, imagine having your picture on the cover of a prestigious magazine?" (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Wow, you're really passionate about this." (Labeling emotion)
Jen: "Are you kidding me? I'm so excited about it I haven't gotten any sleep in the past few days." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "So let me get this straight. You're upset because your parents want you to stop partying and settle down. Yet your modeling career just kicked into high gear and now's the wrong time to get hitched?" (Summarize in your own words)
Jen: "Can you believe it?" (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "I can understand why you're so upset. You know, before I became a photographer, I did some modeling and I know how hard it is to make it in this business. So don't pass up this opportunity." (Identifying a common interest or feeling)
Jen: "I won't. Thanks, you made me feel so much better!" (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "Hey, what did you do to celebrate the occasion?" (Steering conversation toward gratification)
Jen: "Nothing really." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "You're kidding me? Oh we can't have that. Tonight we're going to celebrate. We'll start off with some champagne." (Gratification)
Jen: "Oh that's my favorite. I get all tingly (hook) inside whenever I drink champagne." (I'm paying attention)
The Player: "You mean you get excited? Oh, maybe we shouldn't get champagne after all. I wouldn't want you to be all over me." (Implying suggestive gratification)
Jen: "There's nothing wrong with that..."
The Player: "Uh huh."
know your tongue
There you have it; it's that simple. Most women appreciate a man who knows how to actively listen without judging or providing too much advice. They love it when a man understands and validates their point (even if they're totally wrong). So if you want to get a woman on her backside, first you have to get on her good side by giving her the gift of an empathetic ear.
And one more piece of advice before you open your ears: as always, don't drink and chat because alcohol will definitely affect your ability to communicate and listen properly. Although it's okay to have a few drinks to help you relax, you must never abuse your liquor. Remember; the more you drink, the more talking Johnnie Walker will do for you.
