Girlfriend with religious sexual hangup

[gov87]

So I'm getting to my breaking point and need some help. I love the advice here and I'm trying to be more Alpha and I'm not sure if I can with this relationship.

Gf and I been together 1.5 years, she's 24 and I'm 26. Things started out good in the honeymoon phase. She told me she didn't want to have sex bc she did in her last relationship and felt horrible about losing her virginity. Her dad was very strict on her about staying "pure" and her mom got pregnant out of wedlock which she's scared of. Then I learn that her ex treated her real bad calling her names, making fun of her body, telling her she's loose and couldn't be a virgin, etc. She was with that guy for 2 years.

Throughout the relationship, anytime I would try to make a move she'd get awkward and I felt shutdown. I asked her what the deal was and she'd say she's not sexual and that she was afraid of it leading to sex all the time. It feels now most of the time we only have sex when she initiates. It's really made me question myself as if I'm doing something wrong or wrong with me which has made me slightly depressed now. It's like I have anxiety about laying next to her in bed bc it feels like there is this tension.

She gets uncomfortable with me touching her or going down on her too. I don't want to blame my mood on her but this stuff feels like it kills the soul lol. I've tried more alpha behavior and she says I'm controlling and not being myself.

She tells me she thinks it'll get better with the committment of marriage bc the guilt will not be there. She said she only does it now bc she loves me even though the guilt is there. I feel like I'd be stupid to think things will get better with a ring. She has many other great qualities I look for and is really there for me, but I'm not sure I can handle this. She makes me out to be sex crazed in a way and said that I expect too much happiness from sex.

What should I do? I know this is long, so thanks for any advice.

 

[MtnMan]

are you religious? Do you share her belief system? If no, then I don't think you really have any business being in a serious relationship with someone who is.
Sounds like her mind is made up, and you are a dude and (presumably) feel no shame for wanting sex at 26. You guys are at two different places.

 

[MOTU]

^^^^ this. Repped

 

[Icegreen]

This link will give you the best advice. I would run
http://wiseguyindustries.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/its-a-trap.jpg

 

[Atom Smasher]

Dude, you have ZERO chance with this girl.

First of all, I always respect a woman's desire to wait. In this case, however, it's doubly frustrating for you because she gave it up to another guy and now denies you the candy.

This is no-win for you, unless you break contact and she cracks big-time. I know what it's like to be with a girl who has sexual hang-ups and you will never be able to get your mind off them because you will always feel as if you're forcing her to do something she really doesn't feel comfortable doing.

I was actually there recently and it's no fun. You need to break contact totally in a friendly, matter-of-fact way and find greener pastures. I f she can't live without you she'll make it known.

A woman falls in love with you mostly in your absence when she has time to reverse-rationalize why she has so much fun with you ("I must be in love with him"). In your absence she will either go crazy and radically change her attitude or she will cut you off emotionally. Either way is good because the truth will come out and you will have CLARITY.

 

[gov87]

Thanks for the replies.

I like how you all said it'll be something you can't forget about. It's like I let it go, and then it'll start bothering me bc I feel helpless that I can't turn her on. I thought i had a problem bc it started getting me to obsess about it. She told me shes tried masturbating twice but stopped bc she felt wrong.

I feel like the only way I could move forward is if she got counseling. She thinks there's something wrong with me bc I've gotten so preoccupied with it but when I let it go its like I'm giving her permission to only have sex on her schedule. Even tho it's not her intention, it makes me feel used when I do good things for her.

 

[Atom Smasher]

The way you are feeling is very normal and natural, and under your circumstances can't be avoided.

And this is what women do... "There must be something wrong with YOU" LOL. Women today are trained to take absolutely zero responsibility for their words and actions. So it HAS to be YOU.

Well she is wrong. The problem is most definitely hers, but you will never, ever be able to convince her of that. Women are incapable of a rational assessment of a given situation, and will turn things around on you 100% of the time. The more you verbalize, the more you lose because the more ammunition she is given.

Women understand one thing only: Attention and removal of attention. You need to remove your attention from her, let her know why, and avoid at all costs getting into a full discussion about it. That will go around in circles forever.

You are a man. THE man. You are the one who sets the parameters for your relationships. You need to state your standards (with absolute belief in them) and then be prepared to accept the results from conveying those standards.

In this case, she cannot help her behavior (or more accurately, her emotions about sex) and therefore she cannot change unless a nuclear holocaust goes on in her life. It's sad, but the die has been cast. Your leaving and maintaining absolute NC has a small potential of being that holocaust, but the chance is infinitesimally small. This has become all about you being the King in your relationships, declaring what your parameters and expectations are, and finding a woman who is reasonably able to abide by your rules.

Above all, your feelings as expressed here are perfectly normal and appropriate, even the "feeling used" part. It's time for you to take the bull by the horns and take care of business with a firm hand, and I think you're aware of this. Good luck.

 

[El Payaso]

Then WALK away.

 

[gov87]

The way you are feeling is very normal and natural, and under your circumstances can't be avoided.

And this is what women do... "There must be something wrong with YOU" LOL. Women today are trained to take absolutely zero responsibility for their words and actions. So it HAS to be YOU.

Well she is wrong. The problem is most definitely hers, but you will never, ever be able to convince her of that. Women are incapable of a rational assessment of a given situation, and will turn things around on you 100% of the time. The more you verbalize, the more you lose because the more ammunition she is given.

Women understand one thing only: Attention and removal of attention. You need to remove your attention from her, let her know why, and avoid at all costs getting into a full discussion about it. That will go around in circles forever.

You are a man. THE man. You are the one who sets the parameters for your relationships. You need to state your standards (with absolute belief in them) and then be prepared to accept the results from conveying those standards.

In this case, she cannot help her behavior (or more accurately, her emotions about sex) and therefore she cannot change unless a nuclear holocaust goes on in her life. It's sad, but the die has been cast. Your leaving and maintaining absolute NC has a small potential of being that holocaust, but the chance is infinitesimally small. This has become all about you being the King in your relationships, declaring what your parameters and expectations are, and finding a woman who is reasonably able to abide by your rules.

Above all, your feelings as expressed here are perfectly normal and appropriate, even the "feeling used" part. It's time for you to take the bull by the horns and take care of business with a firm hand, and I think you're aware of this. Good luck.

You, my friend, are the effing man. Thank you for that; I needed it and will read it again as I follow through. It sucks but must be done

 

[JoeMarron]

Atom Smasher just gave you enough gold to pay off the national debt. You would be a fool not to heed his advice. I'd take it even further and forget ever having a relationship with this chick even if she did change her mind about sex after you dump her. Trust me, you'll have way more fun with a woman who has absolutely no sexual hangups.

 

[gov87]

Man I appreciate the advice. I've actually had a lot of personal things going on throughout this which has made it hard to keep a clear head.

For you guys that have went through something like this, did it screw with your head? It's made me question myself even though I know I shouldn't. I just like the girl and wanted it to work.

Here's an example, I've had this thing bothering me about her ex. I'm trying to improve myself and be more alpha. What got my attention early on is her relationship that ended 6 months prior to when we met. I'm bringing this up on here for future help, btw. The guy she was with had the bad boy image, and my gf told me that he just used her for sex and didn't love her. It's just weird bc she's always been the good girl and dated a guy prior for 5 years and never did anything with him. Yet she gives her virginity to the one right after and put up with being called names and made fun of for 2 years. I should've just not listened to any of this info but I didn't know any better. I asked why she put up with that stuff and she said bc she thought she could help him and that she felt trapped bc she gave up her virginity and nobody else would want her, that she was damaged goods.

Have you all ever encountered a girl like this? Would that be a red flag for you all if a girl said that to you?

And another thing, this might sound weird but lack of sex will cause it... She's pretty good with her oral skills and she has even put herself in a couple positions during sex that she could only have learned from experience or reading... I don't think it's the latter. Yet, she only did these a couple times and any other times I try to put her there she says she's uncomfortable. And then one time she actually went down on me while I was driving and said after that she had never done anything like that and didn't want me to think she was a bad girl.

Would you all take this as BS? I'm not looking to get told how insecure I am here, but I want this for future knowledge. I feel like she might've been more sexual with the ex, or maybe it's me being insecure. Given the frustration of my sex life, I can't help but think of it. When I asked about her frequency in past relationships, she said it's always been the same. She also got pissed and said I was trying to dig at her "shame" from her ex.

I just wonder if it's mostly religious guilt or more of the ex. I can't think it would've been too great if she's uncomfortable with her body.

 

[Frogster]

I always saw the prudes as a challenge. I really enjoyed popping cherries when I was a young guy..

So, she's a virgin. If she has a high interest in you, she'll do ANYTHING do keep you.

So first, get her IL up, and while you're at it, spin some more plates. Let her know that she has to fight for your affection. Withdraw some affection to get her to chase you.

That should do the trick.

Otherwise, fvck the other plates, and next her.

 

[gov87]

I see what you mean and understand. It could be said I did the same. I was just wondering if she actually was prude or has these religious problems which are the cause or if she might have more of an attraction for that kind of guy. I'm looking at anything I could be doing wrong. Just want to get better in myself

 

[gov87]

And I actually have tried this stuff to up her interest and all it does is make her tell me she's unloved as she says and that eliminates the chance at anything happening

 

[JoeMarron]

Man I appreciate the advice. I've actually had a lot of personal things going on throughout this which has made it hard to keep a clear head.

For you guys that have went through something like this, did it screw with your head? It's made me question myself even though I know I shouldn't. I just like the girl and wanted it to work.

Here's an example, I've had this thing bothering me about her ex. I'm trying to improve myself and be more alpha. What got my attention early on is her relationship that ended 6 months prior to when we met. I'm bringing this up on here for future help, btw. The guy she was with had the bad boy image, and my gf told me that he just used her for sex and didn't love her. It's just weird bc she's always been the good girl and dated a guy prior for 5 years and never did anything with him. Yet she gives her virginity to the one right after and put up with being called names and made fun of for 2 years. I should've just not listened to any of this info but I didn't know any better. I asked why she put up with that stuff and she said bc she thought she could help him and that she felt trapped bc she gave up her virginity and nobody else would want her, that she was damaged goods.

Have you all ever encountered a girl like this? Would that be a red flag for you all if a girl said that to you?

And another thing, this might sound weird but lack of sex will cause it... She's pretty good with her oral skills and she has even put herself in a couple positions during sex that she could only have learned from experience or reading... I don't think it's the latter. Yet, she only did these a couple times and any other times I try to put her there she says she's uncomfortable. And then one time she actually went down on me while I was driving and said after that she had never done anything like that and didn't want me to think she was a bad girl.

Would you all take this as BS? I'm not looking to get told how insecure I am here, but I want this for future knowledge. I feel like she might've been more sexual with the ex, or maybe it's me being insecure. Given the frustration of my sex life, I can't help but think of it. When I asked about her frequency in past relationships, she said it's always been the same. She also got pissed and said I was trying to dig at her "shame" from her ex.

I just wonder if it's mostly religious guilt or more of the ex. I can't think it would've been too great if she's uncomfortable with her body.

Lawd..she's an alpha widow too. Dude this girl is fvcked, cut all ties, you can't save her. Let me break this all down for you, the first dude was an average nice guy chump that's why she didn't do anything with him. This bad boy alpha comes along and turns her on enough to persuade her to give it up, he takes her virginity and teaches her how to fvck and suck d!ck. Since this dude was a bad boy he's naturally not suited for a relationship so he ends up treating her like garbage and emotionally scaring her. Now you come in to the picture, she's still scarred from the alpha bad boy so you get none of the kinky sh!t that she did with the bad boy, she's so scarred that you don't even get a taste of the pvssy. That alpha bad boy made her feel like a used up wh0re when he left her. She will do anything to prevent that from happening again. Sad to say but you wasted 1.5 years of your life on this chick. You cannot save her, you cannot change her, she is damaged goods. Eject now and find a chick who's not emotionally fvcked.

 

[gov87]

Lawd..she's an alpha widow too. Dude this girl is fvcked, cut all ties, you can't save her. Let me break this all down for you, the first dude was an average nice guy chump that's why she didn't do anything with him. This bad boy alpha comes along and turns her on enough to persuade her to give it up, he takes her virginity and teaches her how to fvck and suck d!ck. Since this dude was a bad boy he's naturally not suited for a relationship so he ends up treating her like garbage and emotionally scaring her. Now you come in to the picture, she's still scarred from the alpha bad boy so you get none of the kinky sh!t that she did with the bad boy, she's so scarred that you don't even get a taste of the pvssy. That alpha bad boy made her feel like a used up wh0re when he left her. She will do anything to prevent that from happening again. Sad to say but you wasted 1.5 years of your life on this chick. You cannot save her, you cannot change her, she is damaged goods. Eject now and find a chick who's not emotionally fvcked.

This is what I was thinking but couldn't put into words. Man it's effed with my head so much bc I was thinking it was me. Is it normal this would make me feel like this? I don't agree with that kind of alpha when you criticize them. She told me this guy called her things like pepperoni nipples in front of his friends, told her she sucked in bed, was loose and beat up, and me.

I don't think I can deal with it and knowing this anymore. To be alpha, can you actually stay in this and make it work? And it is safe to say that I should jump ship right?

 

[gov87]

Also, is it safe to say she'll be prude like this with anyone now?

 

[JoeMarron]

It's perfectly normal to question yourself when a relationship isn't working out. However, now you have the knowledge and understanding that her behavior is the result of her issues not yours, you have nothing to do with it and you have no power to change it. Being alpha isn't going to do a damn thing, in fact it'll probably just make things worse. This woman is emotionally damaged and will destroy any relationship she gets into until she works through her issues. You can't help her do this, she has to do it herself. Your only option at this point is to wish her well and move on with your life. It's going to suck, it might make you feel like a jerk but it's not your job to save her. You'll just be dragging yourself down into the abyss with her and you'll both end up miserable.

Next time screen the fvck outta the woman before you get in a relationship with her. Uncover as much detail as possible and evaluate every green and red flag. Settle for high quality, emotionally stable women only. Women who have high self esteem, women who have good relationships with her parents especially her father, women who don't have a history of abuse, women with a low partner count, women who don't have a billion male friends, women who don't get wasted at bars and clubs every weekend, I could go on and on. Read the DJ Bible, stick around the forums, apply the advice that makes sense to you and disregard what doesn't. Good luck to you.

 

[gov87]

It's perfectly normal to question yourself when a relationship isn't working out. However, now you have the knowledge and understanding that her behavior is the result of her issues not yours, you have nothing to do with it and you have no power to change it. Being alpha isn't going to do a damn thing, in fact it'll probably just make things worse. This woman is emotionally damaged and will destroy any relationship she gets into until she works through her issues. You can't help her do this, she has to do it herself. Your only option at this point is to wish her well and move on with your life. It's going to suck, it might make you feel like a jerk but it's not your job to save her. You'll just be dragging yourself down into the abyss with her and you'll both end up miserable.

Next time screen the fvck outta the woman before you get in a relationship with her. Uncover as much detail as possible and evaluate every green and red flag. Settle for high quality, emotionally stable women only. Women who have high self esteem, women who have good relationships with her parents especially her father, women who don't have a history of abuse, women with a low partner count, women who don't have a billion male friends, women who don't get wasted at bars and clubs every weekend, I could go on and on. Read the DJ Bible, stick around the forums, apply the advice that makes sense to you and disregard what doesn't. Good luck to you.

Thanks for the help man. 1.5 years sucks to have wasted but I can learn a lot. I'm only 26.

Things started off too fast and we even talked marriage. I think I had this idea and she was it, stupid of me I know. She swears I'm the one and she's never loved anyone like she does me. Hearing those things makes me question myself but I think it's bc she wants to lock me down especially after how much she's been damaged.

I'm just now reading up on alpha widows. It sucks also bc she was only with that one other guy. She told me not too long ago that she can still hear him telling her rough and beat up. I don't agree with being alpha and using that **** as a bad boy.

I guess it only takes one guy, even if he's your only other partner to **** up your head. Now I have to figure out how I'm gonna break it to her.

 

[gov87]

It's also weird bc she has a good relationship with her father. However I think the religious guilt he placed in her is where he went wrong. He pretty much taught her it's wrong to have any sexual desires. She told me she feels dirty even touching herself