Girlfriend did something bad, and how I handled it. Very well :)

[Perfect10]

Been going out with this wonderful girl for about 4 months. I like her and she likes me. She cooks for me, cleans and give awesome head but I'm a man who now's what he wants and what she did was not cool. I already know what I am going to do, I'm just keen on seeing what you guys think of this

Before I met her she was taking drugs for partying, like coke and probably something else. She lived and studied in London which is a drug haven, everyone there uses. If everyone smokes weed where you're then you can compare it to them poping pills as much as you smoke, or even more. She lived there for 6yrs.

I'm okay with people taking drugs as I smoke weed myself but I'm not going to date a girl who takes drugs. That was okay, she had stopped with all drug use when she moved to the country where I live and hadn't used for 6 months before I met her.

We started dating and we had talked about that stuff and I had spesifically said that I don't like that she was taking that **** and I said I don't want her to use it and she was okay with it. (This was a light hearted conversation nothing me screaming and being all serious but anyone in the WORLD would understand).

She went to London and came back yesterday. We met up in a pub with our mutual friends and everything was smoochy and fine. She had bought me stuff and said she had missed me very much, you know couple talk.
Then we talked about different things and about her vacation. She told me she had went out with her friend they had drugs with them and they met some policemen who weren't on duty and joked around.
I stop her story and ask her: Drugs? As in what? (Since I approve of weed no problem).
She becomes shy and akward like she's a bit of a shamed and says: "Uh... Yeah.. I mean my friend had some coke".
Me still looking at her like, okaaay.... and I ask: "Well, did you take any?"
Now being even more shy: "Uuuh... I mean... Well... Uuh... Yes..."

I looked at her with disgust, said to her... Seriously?
She says: "Oh sorry, really really sorry I didn't know..."
I say: "That I don't want you taking drugs? We even talked about this, I said to you I DON'T like you taking drugs.
The next thig she said is such a woman thing to say, not guts and no honor:
"I didn't know you we're being serious, I though you we're joking".

She knew. I know she knew, she knows she knew, ****ing Santa Claus knew she knew that I was being serious. Such a crappy explanation.
Sure thanks for the honesty but she wouldn't have told me it was coke if I wouldn't have asked "what drugs?"

So I left the bar. Getting text messages all the night about how sorry she is and that if she knew that I was serious then she wouldn't have done it and bla bla bla. Hasta 'la 'vista.

 

[catman]

I try to stay away from the druggies especially those who freely admit it. They are habitual liers and theives and shouldnt be trusted.If you stay with her save your money up so you can bond her out of jail when she gets busted!!!!!!!!! We have a serious meth problem here in the states bunch of people walking around with their teeth rotted out of their head huge huge huge red flag!

 

[KingofHearts]

So you're dating a drug addict??
Dude, for your own sake, distance yourself ASAP.

You may have "handled it" right, but you're handling the wrong girl in the first place.

I hope by "Hasta 'la 'vista", you mean that you're done with this girl entirely.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Yeah what are you doing getting with a girl who's heavy into drugs? She doesn't need a lecture or a threat from you. She's need NA immediately.

 

[kingsam]

Nice Double standards there!
considering that weed is a drug, you cant smoke it and get pissed at her for doing drugs (occasionally) either.....

id say occasional coke/pills is less worse than lots of weed smoking!
lots of smoking weed makes people stupid, occasional'y taking others not so much

deep down she doesnt feel she did any wrong, she just thinks you over reacted and she probably thinks she shouldnt have told you, next time she sees her freinds she WONT tell you, and will just pretend to you she was a good girl - nice way to set up honesty there!

 

[Perfect10]

Nice Double standards there!
considering that weed is a drug, you cant smoke it and get pissed at her for doing drugs (occasionally) either.....

I don't consider weed a drug and she smokes weed which I don't care about.
This conversation is not going to go in to weed being a drug or not since that's everones own choice. Hence your point is not valid.

id say occasional coke/pills is less worse than lots of weed smoking! lots of smoking weed makes people stupid, occasional'y taking others not so much

You can say what ever you want but I think recreational drugs are disgusting and I don't use them. I also don't want to date a girl who uses them either. You can pop a whatever pills and snort whatever powder you want, that's your problem but I'm not touching that stuff.

deep down she doesnt feel she did any wrong, she just thinks you over reacted and she probably thinks she shouldnt have told you, next time she sees her freinds she WONT tell you, and will just pretend to you she was a good girl - nice way to set up honesty there!

Then tell me kingsam... How WOULD be the right way? How would you get her to see that she did wrong? I'm just curious, what would YOU have done differently?
_____________________

For the rest of the posters

This won't be a problem though since like I told her, I don't date women who do drugs (again I don't consider weed a drug)

I gave her a chance in the start when she hadn't taken for a long time and told her that I don't like her doing it. She did it and now she's gotten punished. Will she learn anything because of this? I doubt it, but I learned again that the best quote of this site is "Action over words"

Man I love that quote!

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I don't consider weed a drug and she smokes weed which I don't care about.
This conversation is not going to go in to weed being a drug or not since that's everones own choice. Hence your point is not valid.



You can say what ever you want but I think recreational drugs are disgusting and I don't use them. I also don't want to date a girl who uses them either. You can pop a whatever pills and snort whatever powder you want, that's your problem but I'm not touching that stuff.




Then tell me kingsam... How WOULD be the right way? How would you get her to see that she did wrong? I'm just curious, what would YOU have done differently?
_____________________

For the rest of the posters

This won't be a problem though since like I told her, I don't date women who do drugs (again I don't consider weed a drug)

I gave her a chance in the start when she hadn't taken for a long time and told her that I don't like her doing it. She did it and now she's gotten punished. Will she learn anything because of this? I doubt it, but I learned again that the best quote of this site is "Action over words"

Man I love that quote!

I hope she drops you. You obviously have different values, and unless she's being totally self destructive and ruining her life she just might tell you to f*ck off. OR she might keep it from you since you're shaming her.

Good job.

 

[todays_news]

let the girl do what she wants, unless she has a full on habit you cant expect her to change. a bit of coke or whatever occaisionally isnt a massive deal anyway! but i guess if it really bothers you then you know what to do..

at least she didnt lie about it aswell man, whereas if you throw a tantrum over it and stay with her.. perhaps she will next time. And thats going to lead to other white lies etc.

 

[kingsam]

typical poster who only wants to hear what he already thinks

if you want to influence people getting pissed at them is NOT the way to do it
she was being honest to you and got burned for being honest - the lesson shes now learnt is to be more savvy and not to be as honest (what they dont know will never hurt them)

next time she sees her mate and is offered a line, she will likely go "but my bf dont like it, he got angry last time i told him", her mate will say "dont tell him DUH!" ...

 

[Perfect10]

I hope she drops you. You obviously have different values, and unless she's being totally self destructive and ruining her life she just might tell you to f*ck off. OR she might keep it from you since you're shaming her.

Good job.

Different values? If you see weed as a drug then that's your opinion. If you don't like the same fotball team as me then thats your problem. If you think gin and tonic is delicious then go ahead and drink. I won't be judging you or calling you an idiot but if you think other peoples opinions are wrong then you sir, are incredibly idiotic. Until you learn how not to bash others opinion on things you shouldn't even have your own.

let the girl do what she wants, unless she has a full on habit you cant expect her to change. a bit of coke or whatever occaisionally isnt a massive deal anyway! but i guess if it really bothers you then you know what to do..

at least she didnt lie about it aswell man, whereas if you throw a tantrum over it and stay with her.. perhaps she will next time. And thats going to lead to other white lies etc.

Yes, I agree.
I didn't really do a big deal out of it. No screaming not being rude.
How would otherwise be the correct way to be? I mean if I'd act okay with it, she would do it again. Now perhaps she'll do it again but not tell me....

How would be the best way to handle a situation like this if it occures in the future with other women?

 

[synergy1]

That heavy **** is addictive, and I have heard of addicts putting on long acts just to fool their parents in order to get more drug money. A chick who openly admits she does hard drugs? F- that bro. Just leave man. All you are asking for in the future is being a drug transporter or financier. You'll be lied to, you'll have money missing if **** hit the fan. Get out while you can. Get out now.

Of course you won't listen. You already rationalized to yourself that you don't need too. But in the 1% chance that you actually read this and listen to this, I feel vindicated having posted this!

 

[todays_news]

Yes, I agree.
I didn't really do a big deal out of it. No screaming not being rude.
How would otherwise be the correct way to be? I mean if I'd act okay with it, she would do it again. Now perhaps she'll do it again but not tell me....

How would be the best way to handle a situation like this if it occures in the future with other women?

Well being honest, its not your place to tell her what she can and cant do, you've said you dont like it. So just leave it at that. If its that much of a big deal to you, then perhaps you should be seeing somebody else. But if you let the odd bit of coke ruin a relationship, then it doesnt say alot about your relationship.

As for future women, if its that aggravating dont see them either, the majority of women dont do drugs anyway so it shouldnt be too hard.

To be quite honest though, i think you're looking far too much into this, and your obsessing over it a bit. Remember she's not yours to control, you are as Ron Burgundy would say, 'co-people'.

 

[kingsam]

additionally most people who do stuff recreationally will grow out of it by the time RL's are getting to the age where you are considering marrige/kids etc

 

[Rescue Mission]

Perfect10, you are young and stupid - I myself at 25 was this stupid at 20 too. NEVER TRY TO CHANGE ANYONE.

You are acting like some americanized woman who gets into a relationship, and then tries to change her man. ANYTIME YOU TRY TO CHANGE SOMEONE, THEY WILL JUST TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR, AND THEN GO DO WHAT THEY WANNA DO IN SECRET!!!

She's a drug addict.....you telling me that you don't have enough game to find an equally sweet nice girl who ISN'T a drug addict??

Let her do coke and everything else she wants to do, it's her problem, not yours, when she catches AIDS or gets caught by the police, she'll learn her lesson.

YOU are not going to change anyone, so don't even try - it's a mentally immature trick that mostly chicks try to do

 

[Longview01]

Me and my ex were heavy drug users, it was extremly distructive in our relationship for 3 years.

We agreed to stop 2 years ago, thing were great everything changed, we never argued there was no moody sessions from her then i noticed a change after christmas.

She started getting moody, wanting to spend more and more time with her brother (who is also a heavy drug user) without me being there.

i eventually found out that she had started using again and had been lying to me for 3 months!! about it.

i wasnt as bad you OP, I sat down with her, explained to her that I didnt want it to go back to the way it was before and told her to choose between me and the drugs. She said she couldnt make that kinda choice, So I did what was right for me and broke up with her.

I didnt insult her, i didnt tell her what she can and cant do. I let her make the choice and now she has lost me. Shes been texting and sending me facebook messages for the past month and a half telling me how much she misses me but thats her lose. I gave her the chance and she blew it. now she has to live with it.

Maybe you should do the same thing?

 

[sodbuster]

I REALLY don't get some of you guys. He TOLD her his boundary's and she crossed the line. Where is he supposed to draw the line? don't do any other guys? or are you OK with that too? When you have rules and she breaks them,there has to be a price to pay. some of you are arguing with WHERE he set the line-pot/coke. It's his f&cking line,he's free to set it where he wants.

I don't date smokers. don't want that smell in my house. My sandbox,my rules-don't like the rules,GTFO of my sandbox. Now some of you "puzzy on the brain" boys may tell me I'm wrong,I'm cutting down on the number of times I get action,probably am.BUT I have my reasons for the rule and it will stick.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I REALLY don't get some of you guys. He TOLD her his boundary's and she crossed the line. Where is he supposed to draw the line? don't do any other guys? or are you OK with that too? When you have rules and she breaks them,there has to be a price to pay. some of you are arguing with WHERE he set the line-pot/coke. It's his f&cking line,he's free to set it where he wants.

It's akin to meeting a girl when she strips and then dating her. You may not like stripping, but it was a part of her before you got there. Knowing about someone's habits before they were with you and then trying to change them is a road that leads to nowhere. The drug situation is her own personal problem to deal with and the OP is trying to force cooperation out of her. It's not going to work.

Different values? If you see weed as a drug then that's your opinion. If you don't like the same fotball team as me then thats your problem. If you think gin and tonic is delicious then go ahead and drink. I won't be judging you or calling you an idiot but if you think other peoples opinions are wrong then you sir, are incredibly idiotic. Until you learn how not to bash others opinion on things you shouldn't even have your own.

Nice try, Jr, but thank you for contradicting yourself in this paragraph. It's HER values, not yours. It's HER life and HER view that what she's doing isn't as dangerous or disgusting as YOU think it is. It's HER opinion that recreational drug use isn't as bad as YOU say it is. Ultimately it will be up to her to decide to keep using or stop using - not yours.

In my OPINION, you're wrong. Get over it.

 

[DanelMadr]

It's akin to meeting a girl when she strips and then dating her. You may not like stripping, but it was a part of her before you got there. Knowing about someone's habits before they were with you and then trying to change them is a road that leads to nowhere. The drug situation is her own personal problem to deal with and the OP is trying to force cooperation out of her. It's not going to work.



Nice try, Jr, but thank you for contradicting yourself in this paragraph. It's HER values, not yours. It's HER life and HER view that what she's doing isn't as dangerous or disgusting as YOU think it is. It's HER opinion that recreational drug use isn't as bad as YOU say it is. Ultimately it will be up to her to decide to keep using or stop using - not yours.

In my OPINION, you're wrong. Get over it.

I have to say you are wrong.

She has her right to snort whatever she wants BUT he has the right not to date her for it.

And you suggesting recreational uses of drugs not being a problem....well...
Coke is highly addictive shyt. Nothing compared to THC. Btw ecstasy makes your neuron receptors pretty fakked up too. THC is more mild but often it's more frequent usage is catching up with ecstasy.

Recreational? Like once in a year on school holidays? I bet more often it means anytime one goes out, which means every other week. And I bet people who do this "recreational" snorting of coke are more interested in obtaining the coke than to have a fun that night. And it points out to another problem...if one can't have enjoy the life without coke....one can't enjoy life otherwise = troubled person = trouble for anyone dating her/him.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I have to say you are wrong.

She has her right to snort whatever she wants BUT he has the right not to date her for it.

No, I'm not wrong on anything. You didn't prove me wrong at all. Show me where I said he didn't have the right to date who he chooses. If anything you agree with me that she has the right to take drugs at her own discretion. Forcing someone to give up something they had in their life before you is risky and fool hearty. As I said, if he guilts her into something HE thinks is wrong, but SHE doesn't she's not going to want to hear it. She'll either keep it from him or just break up with him. You can't get that mutual respect with those kinds of ultimatums.

Most of the posters here suggested he dump her. He should.

And you suggesting recreational uses of drugs not being a problem....well...
Coke is highly addictive shyt. Nothing compared to THC. Btw ecstasy makes your neuron receptors pretty fakked up too. THC is more mild but often it's more frequent usage is catching up with ecstasy.

Smoking causes lung cancer. Pot makes a lot of people lazy and a lot of people use it for escape. Drinking causes liver damage, car accidents, birth defects. Sex can lead to stds. Not everything (including drugs) is going to destroy you if it's done in moderation. Sorry, but grow up. There are plenty of people with addictive personalities who SHOULDN'T use drugs. There are plenty of people who use drugs sparsely and are fine.

Recreational? Like once in a year on school holidays? I bet more often it means anytime one goes out, which means every other week. And I bet people who do this "recreational" snorting of coke are more interested in obtaining the coke than to have a fun that night. And it points out to another problem...if one can't have enjoy the life without coke....one can't enjoy life otherwise = troubled person = trouble for anyone dating her/him.

No sh!t. In a perfect world no one would be drinking or smoking weed. That's not the case and it probably won't be at this time in our human evolution. In the meantime, if you don't like what a person is doing (especially when they were doing it before you) find someone who you're compatible with.

 

[Doc Dogg]

I have to agree with the posters who are saying to cut her loose and move on. You can't change people, she was a drug user before you met her and she will continue to be one. I made the same mistake you have in the past before I worked out the rules of the game. I thought I could "game" a girl into changing, but in the end I was fooling myself.

You have to remember that like attracts like... If you want a girl that doesn't do drugs, has a good job, whatever, you have to do the same. I had to completely turn my life around before I could get the sort of girls that I wanted, it was hard work but I cut out all the **** things from my life and replaced them with things matched the type of girl I wanted. I cut loser friends out of my life, I changed from a job that had no future to one that the sky is the limit, I stopped drinking and learnt how to cook a variety of 5 star menus. In a nut shell I became the guy that high calibre girls wanted to be with and I haven't look back.

To the OP: If I was in your shoes, I would have just said to her that she has betrayed your trust by taking drugs behind your back and that is unacceptable. Then I would have left her and found someone new.