Getting back togeather with an ex gf

[Climax]

Who here has broken up with a gf and then gotten back togeather with her? And if you did, what happened afterwards? Was the relationship different? Was it better? Worse? Are you happy that you made the choice to get back togeather with her? Do you regret it? Whats different from the 1st time u went out? (before the break-up)

Discuss.


Laterz...

 

[Donald Kaufman]

Always worse when I've gotten back together. I don't break up fast but when I do I stick to it ... now.

 

[Climax]

Ok... but WHY? please explain...

Originally posted by Donald Kaufman
Always worse when I've gotten back together. I don't break up fast but when I do I stick to it ... now.

hmm.... ok... do you want to maybe explain further what you mean by "Always worse"? Like what was different? what actually MADE it worse?

Thanx for the reply...


laterz...

 

[Donald Kaufman]

In my experience, getting back together is about neediness or weakness. One is more needy and goes back and the other is weak and takes them back. Both exhibit both just to lesser and greater degrees.

If you are involved in the "little break ups that don't really mean anything" one of you is not ready for a relationship.

If it's a big break there should be a lot of thinking going into it. If there is not much thinking going into a big break one of you is less ready then the previous example. If there was thinking then you had good reasons. Going back is needy or weak.

I do believe there could be exceptions where two people have really split apart, worked on themselves, explored and experienced, remet and realize they are now at aplace where a relationship makes sense. To hold any kind of hope or belief in this possibility in a particular situation meeting these requirements leads one to too easily fall back in. Weak or needy.

People who argue for the pro "make a purse out of a sow's ear" side will most likely cite examples of people who have done this successfully. If you ask yourself if you would want to be either person in the relationship you would probably say no. Why? Because the relationship is based on weakness and neediness. Sure, other problems will be more self evident but somewhere underneath ...

Also remember when you look for examples of successful repairings you do not even consider all the thousands of examples you are unaware of these people having or the hundreds you do know about. In a game about numbers game it has really low probability and you get to the grief more intensely and faster then finding someone else.

Weak and needy people who can find the unpleasantness of the situation faster. Woohoo!

I know of one couple who broke up and got together dozens of times over ten years. Even though they haven't tried for a couple years do you think either of them is actually happy now? Of course not, the more times you go through that rut the easier it is to find next time.

On the plus side it does open the door for a drama filled life. Who would want happiness or even contentment when they can have drama.

 

[Climax]

Ok... then what do you have to say about a situation like this one...

lol... thanx for that reply.... but let me give u a scenario, and then YOU tell me what YOU think should happen:

A guy and a girl go out for a few months, but the constantly argue about things (E.g.: the girl will want to go tot he movies with other guys and then dinner with them, alone and the guy will disagree to that... or the guy wants to hold her hand and get intimate at the college that they are at, but the girl doesn’t want to do that cause she is immature/shy etc... or the guy will phone her and want to go say "hi" to her before an exam and she will say "no don’t come now, I am studying... or she will not want to officially go out with the guy because "she is not ready" or some bullsh!t like that, but then she goes and tell him how much she loves him and that she wouldn’t know what to do if she lost him etc.. and many more stupid little examples such as those... Now all of those above examples are clear sings of immaturity, so now my question is this: If they both love each other and are both willing to CHANGE for one another in order to get back together... what should be done? should they get back together or not?

Some background on the 2 ppl.

Age: Guy is 19... She is 17
School/college: Both go to the same school/college
background: The 2 of them were best friends before they decided to become MORE than friends.

Well... what u think? I have seen this kinda thing happen several times, and I am just trying to figure out what on Earth is going on in this kind of situation... I mean... what is going on in their head(the girl).. its like their actions and words are contradicting themselves


Laterz...

 

[Donald Kaufman]

It's been a while since I was that young but I do remember that relationships were more ... I'm searching for a word here ... insane? ... combustible? ... ... ...

Anyway, the result is that very few of those relationships have any significant lasting power. Does this mean it is a better or worse idea to get back together? *shrugs shoulders* When you are young you are supposed to be more resillient?


Onwards.

What is going on in the girl's head?

A million things at a thousand miles per hour. I've still never been a girl, got to get around to that, but I'm guessing some of the things that pass through her mind more frequently are:

How well do I really know this guy?
He has some really good qualities.
Am I ready for this serious a realtionship?
He means a lot to me.
I'm young and should seek more experiences.
Most guys out there are jerks.
Maybe that's just because I haven't gotten to know them.
It's easier to stick with the good guy I have.
If I don't break up now it will be harder later.
I don't want to hurt him.
I need to take care of myself.
Someday I'll wish I had a guy exactly like this to take care of me.

So she decides one day things are good and the next day those same things are the problem. It is not an unusual way for a girl her age to think. She seems to cycle through believing them faster then average. She might be an AW in training. She might be someone who is really trying to define herself and the process is just more visibly messy because of the speed she is trying to go through it.

I don't hear anything that suggests that the girl is the kind of catch that would be worth going through this process for. I don't really hear anything that indicates the guy is great relationship material right now either.

As described, it sounds like they are playing house. Both trying to do what they think they should do without much understanding of why.

Neither sounds like they should be seeking LTRs right now. Both will probably be different people in five years. Who knows which way their development will take them.

I think I might be saying, though it disgusts me, if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you ... stop leaving chopped liver in your back pocket.

Personally, I don't see any reason they would want to subjucate each other or themselves to that relationship.

I hope this is about a friend you've mentioned before and not you. AWKWARD!

 

[Climax]

Shweet! ...

Haha... You are one of the VERY few that I actually look up to Donald Kaufman, thanks for the advice, you helped me open my eye's up to something that was so obvious... I guess I just needed to hear (read) it And yes, I WAS referring to myself in this thread You see.... this girl isn’t like any other girl that I have come across... The one day she will be all lovey-dovey, and the next she will be Miss B!tch! And that, along with her immaturity made me end things (she DID agree to it though, but DOES still want to get back together in the future) but that’s why I posted this, because i wanna know if I SHOULD give it another go or not. And for the record, I DO like this girl ALOT... more than any other girl in the past.. that’s why I am having trouble "letting go" of her. But what I think that I am going to do is maybe give me and her another go and see if she is being genuine when she says that she IS willing to change for me etc, but if she isn’t, then I will end it, and I will end it for good. I'm scared that I might just move on NOW and then ask myself "what if I gave us another go? what would of happened?" etc.

I have given my situation a lot of thought, and I now also stand in the position where I am 18, nearly 19, and as much as I want to be with her, I also want to go out there, be single, and pimp as much as I can, while I am still young... but the truth is, is that when I was with her I was TRULLY happy (besides for the times we argued etc) But anyways... I'm just gonna go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. But I think that I WILL give "us" another go and see what happens ... Wish me luck

[EDIT:] Another thing that I realized is that when I was JUST friends with her, she was ALWAYS nice, lively, flirty, and was just fun and "loving" etc, then when we got "together" she started having those Miss B!tch days etc... Almost like the saying goes "You don’t appreciate something till you loose it"... People will do whatever they can to get something they want, but once they have it, they don’t appreciate it enough... what an irritating characteristic in human nature! Oh well, we learn to live with it? [/EDIT]

Thanks for the replies and the helpful advice man....


Laterz...

 

[Donald Kaufman]

I hope it was helpful.

The reason I ended up putting as much effort into this thread as I did is because I have been there. You remember those good times and you keep thinking if I put up with one more tantrum and then when she apologizes it will all be better again ... This time I will really let her know how final this is.

Especially from when I was young. Some turned out pretty bad, but some, from what I know, sound interesting. I try to remember that none of the people I knew who had relationships back then are still in them today. Every once in a while though ... My sister's friend got married when she was 17 and they are still married and I am told happy, 18 years later.

I hope she is that one in a million or you find out before things go too far.

 

[diablo]

Perhaps you should check out what Pook and Anti-Dump have to say about what you're asking...

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=39769

When you're done, read the rest of the series.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/search...id=89457&sortby=lastpost&sortorder=descending

 

[Climax]

thanx... but...

Thanx again diablo... I have read that before... but i dont think that its correct for EVERYONE, so i wanted to be more specific and get comments from others... which i did, and they helped me open my eye's. But thanx again for the links, your effort is appreciated


Laterz...

 

[PRMoon]

Ugh, no way.

I don't believe in recycling.

 

[Climax]

erm....

Originally posted by PRMoon
I don't believe in recycling.

And what if the both of you really do love eachother though? You just ignore those feelings and try move on? Whats wrong with getting back togeather? I have heard of many cases where the 2 got back togeather and ended up happiyer than ever. Its not recycling, true love never grows old


Laterz...

 

[Kevon]

yeah I have done it

WORSE WORSE WORSE WORSE WORSE

once you piss in the pool dont wanna go for another lap

 

[PRMoon]

Look I'm not saying that there isn't one person on the planet for everyone but with the billions of people that exist do you really think you'll every find that person? I mean I've been in meaningful relationships before, I've had very strong feelings for girls but after a relationship ends with me I nevet go back. Even if I want to. Why? Because I love finding out what else is out there. I've fallen hard before and I know it's not a one time thing. You just have to find the right people and things between you work out or they don't. If you get lucky you'll find some one who things will work out with for an indefinate amount of time.

Me right now I'm hoping for a complement a "partner in cryme" I'm always looking for one. But people like that you just meet, you don't find them you just happen across them. Through some connection, through a party, through a friend, it some how just works out.
People like that are few and far between for me and i want to try to meet at least three (hopefully 5) in my life. I've met one and it took me 19 years the other two won't take me too long to find concidering my local. But one things for sure I'll never find them by looking backwards!

 

[DeathDealer]

I never believe in "trying to work things out."

If your car kept giving you problems year after year, you keep spending the money. All that money and energy could've been spent on a newer car. Which is something you could've done with a newer girl.

Sure, that used car has been familiar and I know how to use it. But that newer car may be more reliable, more fun, and etc. Hanging around the older car may be okay for awhile, but then all those problems keep coming back...

New girlfriends work the same way. newer things might always be better.

Also to the poster:

1. Get a real name, less gay please.
2. If you're going to talk about yourself, say it, don't say "these two people" or "my friend." are you gay?

 

[Don_Joffe]

If you get back with her Ill ***** slap you.

 

[DeathDealer]

Re: erm....

Originally posted by ~ªêQµïTª$~
And what if the both of you really do love eachother though? You just ignore those feelings and try move on? Whats wrong with getting back togeather? I have heard of many cases where the 2 got back togeather and ended up happiyer than ever. Its not recycling, true love never grows old


Laterz...

GOD, you are delusional.

you're like those matrix cows that take everything up front and don't question it.

me and several others are like the neo, morpheus, and trinity all in one trying to help others open their eyes. but you close your eyes and believe what you want.

 

[Don_Joffe]

DeathDealer: Let the inexperienced learn the hard way, he seems to know better. Let him cry his eyes out when the relationship ends in disaster.

 

[Kevon]

hard way is the only way some times.

That is how I learned, and it stuck, believe me