Getting a second date after messing up?!

[Contender]

I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet. I'm turning twenty this year, and my date is 21. I met her in one of my classes and I had a perfect opportunity to talk to her, and I took it. After class, we grabbed some coffee and hung out for an hour and half - until my next class.

A week later, we had breakfast together at a local restaurant after that same class. This is when I asked her out (asked her if she wanted to go the movies and have lunch at my place). She agreed. I cooked lunch in her presence. And trust me, she loved the food; I'm a good cook to many girls' surprise.

I never had a serious girlfriend that I cared about. And, I never felt anything like the way I did when I saw her and spent time with her. I had a great time. The only problem is that I was way to nervous throughout the date and the little "hang outs." It was my first date that I ever had with someone that I didn't really know - do you understand? I've been with a handful of girls in the past, but when I went out I knew them well so it wasn't a scary experience. I didn't have butterflies. I didn't worry. I just went out to have a good time. Furthermore, those girls were just girls to me. I didn't really care, so I just went to have fun - and I did.

With this girl, it was the complete opposite. I wasn't used to dealing with the overflow of emotions, and trying to communicate with her. I was overwhelmed with worry, doubt and trying to figure out if she liked me. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't really have a good time you know? I was awkward. And, I bet I came off shy.

I used to be a shy person, but lately, I've been coming out. I've came a long way, and I want to really show her that. She doesn't really know me for who I am because I did a bad job of showing it to her. I was too busy worrying.

However, I honestly don't think it was a HORRIBLE date. It was decent, though it wasn't reflective of who I am. I'm not surprised she didnt fall for me. I didn't make any jokes or anything. I was just there. I hate myself for being that way, but it's too late. It's in the past.

I want to get a second date. But I don't know how to go about doing this. Especially after how i closed the night. After dropping her off, I came back ten-15 minutes later and asked her to come downstairs. This is when I tried to go for a kiss. I was cheeked. She was surprised that I could like her after one day.

Today in class she talked to me, but she didn't make an effort to go for coffee. I've always asked, but I was hoping she would make the initiative.

I emailed her today asking if she's busy (my phone is broken, so that's the only means of communication). I want to fix this, and really show her my true DJ-self.

I just don't know how...what to do... I'm so frustrated... she's an awesome girl, I want to figure out a way to make this work. And not only to make it work for her, but ALSO for me to get over this PROBLEM. If I can fix this situation, I would be unstoppable. I would truly have confidence.

 

[drmeathead]

did she answer the email? i think if/when she does then you will know where you stand. remember anything but a YES is a no.

 

[Stéphane]

I never had a serious girlfriend that I cared about. And, I never felt anything like the way I did when I saw her and spent time with her. I had a great time.

Why do you have feelings for her, and why did you have a great time with her?

 

[Reborn]

I got a box at home, whenever I have a doubt, fear or emotion which makes me see everything blurry I take that emotion and put it in the box and seal it with the emotion inside. Seems like a cruel joke by god why we can act so great with women we dont care for but turn into jibbering fools when we actually are interested.

Emotions take time m8. No girl will be flattered if you tell her you like her after the first date. Why do you like this girl so much from the start. If we look at it rationally you dont know her well at all so it gotta be something else.

In your situation now you got her cooled off with the kiss, and the numerous contacts. After a rejection like that trying to "beg" for another date just paves the road to failure faster. If I was in your situation, and sadly i've been a few times, the best thing I've found out is to stay back a bit and concentrate on other people. After a while start to talk to her again when the awkwardness have settled (and hopefully your strong emotions towards her as well) so you dont pull up those negative emotions in her.

 

[Contender]

did she answer the email? i think if/when she does then you will know where you stand. remember anything but a YES is a no.

She didn't answer... yet.

Why do you have feelings for her, and why did you have a great time with her?

Do be perfectly honest: The only reason I was so crazy about her off the bat is because of her beauty. She is stunning. But, that's not the sole reason of course. We had good conversations, thus far and I really enjoyed her company. I just liked having her around. It's a "feeling." I never felt that way before. When I was with other girls, they were in my way. I had to workout so I'd shove 'em aside. But with her, I don't care about the time, or what's going on around me. It's just her and me, you know?

And the more I think about it, the stupider I feel. I shouldn't have acted this way, wow. That was so immature. ****. Unfortunately, logic fails in situations like this. Hopefully, I'll be smarter next time. Though, I do feel more prepared now from the get-go. By her cheeking me, I kinda fell to my senses. I'm not as nervous anymore, mainly because I have nothing to fear now. I was already rejected, and I was fearing it the entire date.

I got a box at home, whenever I have a doubt, fear or emotion which makes me see everything blurry I take that emotion and put it in the box and seal it with the emotion inside. Seems like a cruel joke by god why we can act so great with women we dont care for but turn into jibbering fools when we actually are interested.

Emotions take time m8. No girl will be flattered if you tell her you like her after the first date. Why do you like this girl so much from the start. If we look at it rationally you dont know her well at all so it gotta be something else.

In your situation now you got her cooled off with the kiss, and the numerous contacts. After a rejection like that trying to "beg" for another date just paves the road to failure faster. If I was in your situation, and sadly i've been a few times, the best thing I've found out is to stay back a bit and concentrate on other people. After a while start to talk to her again when the awkwardness have settled (and hopefully your strong emotions towards her as well) so you dont pull up those negative emotions in her.

You make perfect sense. As I read that, I was hit with a feeling of total stupidity. I ACTUALLY told her I liked her after a few hours of being with her. Wow, I was a total... Why do I like her so much? As vain as it may sound, it's because she's beautiful. And I suppose she's gotten that a lot before based on how she responded to me. haha. Clearly...

Anyway, I truly did learn from this. I've never been in a situation like this which taught me to be patient. I was overly excited, nervous... a big bundle of emotions. I killed it. Hopefully, I'll learn to remain cool-headed. I just needed to focus on having a good time. Yet ironically, all I did was tell myself how crazy I was about her, and how much I DON'T wnt to lose her. The funny thing is, WHY? I don't even know her yet. Furthermore, it didn't help me get to know her. It only helped me lose her. Ironic?

This is an invaluable experience. However, I truly want to get to know her better. I can't deny that the feelings I felt. I never got that before. Thanks for the advice bro.

How should I go about this exactly? Should I just be honest and tell her I was nervous - first date ever?

 

[Contender]

The key problem is (and I admit) I wasn't being logical. I was just so excited to be going out with this girl, that I didn't let myself calm down. I wasn't in the right mindset. If I was ready, I would be chill and just have a good time. I need to trick myself into thinking she's just another person whom I want to have a good time with. The pieces fall in place.

I've learned that giving up is the only defeat. I'm not one to give up. I want to fix this without fading away for a while. I want to jump start this again.

P.S. During the date, I did sneak in a second date during the convo. We were talking about food and what she likes and I inserted that I want to take her somewhere next weekend. She asked where, and I said it's a surprise and she said "okay." She was begging me to tell her what it was.

I think the kiss really ruined it. If I hadn't done it, I probably would have composed myself by the second date.

 

[Reborn]

Think it was pook who used to talk about "being the prize". ATM you are the one putting her on the pedistal. Imagining how much you like her and how you NOT want to screw this up where would that leave you? Just a mix of fear of losing her and hotheaded passion. Not really the ideal stuff you want on the first date.

Dont tell her you were nervous m8. Just back off for a while. If you keep linking negative emotions to you everytime you meet her then you'll just end up ruining all your chances. Start talking to her again abit later, push the emotions aside and keep a clear mind and remember the good times you had when you had coffee together and how easy it was to talk to her. Keep it lighthearted and fun and dont give her chance to reject you first time you talk by asking her on date. Bump into her and chat a few times with her then ask her again to do something with you.

Remember this girl who I was in about same situation with. I had a horrid first date and I got rejected when I asked for a second one. About six months later I run in into the same girl at a party. I start to talk to her again. Now one would think that I'd get rejected because she remembered who I was but strangely it worked in opposite way and after a drink we were dancing and kissing.

Well that's my way to look at it anyway. Might be others who have other answers. Hope it turns out ok.

 

[Answers]

I never had a serious girlfriend that I cared about. And, I never felt anything like the way I did when I saw her and spent time with her. I had a great time. The only problem is that I was way to nervous throughout the date and the little "hang outs." It was my first date that I ever had with someone that I didn't really know - do you understand? I've been with a handful of girls in the past, but when I went out I knew them well so it wasn't a scary experience. I didn't have butterflies. I didn't worry. I just went out to have a good time. Furthermore, those girls were just girls to me. I didn't really care, so I just went to have fun - and I did.

With this girl, it was the complete opposite. I wasn't used to dealing with the overflow of emotions, and trying to communicate with her. I was overwhelmed with worry, doubt and trying to figure out if she liked me. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't really have a good time you know? I was awkward. And, I bet I came off shy.

I used to be a shy person, but lately, I've been coming out. I've came a long way, and I want to really show her that. She doesn't really know me for who I am because I did a bad job of showing it to her. I was too busy worrying.

Know the feeling! It happened me recently and I'm still getting over it...

 

[MushroomGod]

This kinda situation sucks. The key is to just relax. Harder than it sounds I know, I went out with this girl once and I was so tense that you couldn't slip I piece of paper between the crack of my ass. You just have to relax but no big deal she may come around and you'll get another chance.

 

[Contender]

Thanks for the help guys. But she's not ignoring me or anything. She still might be interested. Perhaps, she just said these things because I was just simply moving too fast?

I got an update.
She replied to my email:

She seems to be flirting, or what? Apparently, she liked my cooking. I think I have a shot. I'm wondering how to take it from here.

 

[MushroomGod]

I'd say something like "Only if you're good." Anyway sweet good luck dude and remember to relax.

 

[Contender]

Thanks. I replied. I'll update you guys. Thanks for the support. I removed the quote from the email from the thread so it can't be googled - just in case.

But she said how she can't meet today, and she wants my recipe from our lunch (it seems like she was flirting... she had a smilie in there too).

 

[tsmith2334]

It could go either way at this point. I know EXACTLY how you feel, I had a so-so date with a girl (it was fun, but I'm guessing I didn't "ignite" her emotions), that could have been alot better had I opened up more and taken some risks. Now I'm trying for a second date, too.

My question to you, did you she iniate any contact after the date? An IM, text, phone call or anything saying "thank you" or "I had a good time" etc? Just curious. If she did, I'd take it as a good sign.

Worst case scenario though, if she isn't up for date number two... think of it strictly as a "right now" scenario. In other words, if she's being flakely or unresponsive, dim down the interactions with her and spin a few plates. Then, try to rekindle something (atleast a temporary casual friendship) and ask her on another date. Most likely you'll get a clean slate.

P.S. Fellow Don Juans, please give me some feedback on my advice- I'm just speaking how I view situations, I'm always trying to learn things as well

 

[ready123]

you're still in

and it's funny, all the insecurities you posted up there, you could've actually told her in a high value way ("I gotta be honest, most girls I date I don't feel an emotional connection til later but with you, it's wierd, blah blah blah, so if I come across nervous, it's because I'm not used to these feelings"). and voila, everything's fixed, and you're totally being genuine

in fact, sometimes the best thing to do when you're stuck is be genuine (don't act like a ***** about it, just be real)

and I'm curious about how you tried to kiss her, the trick to escalation is it should be gradual... both of you should know the kiss is coming before you make a move

 

[Contender]

So, do you think I should still bring it up? And she replied to my email again (no problem, maybe i'll teach you next time ). She responded with: haha no seriously...my grandma wants to make it....

wtf does this mean? this isn't a bad thing right? should i still be playful about it and maybe give it to her when she least expects it on a piece of paper? like i'll just tease her about over email, and in class i'll slip it onto her desk as I walk to my seat?

EDIT: Clearly, I'm very desirable if she's still like this with me, despite the stupid kiss attempt. I really shouldn't be insecure at all with this girl.

 

[ezily]

I don't know man. Just because she's responding to your emails and texts doesn't mean that she likes you or that you still have a chance. I've been able to text and email girls and get replies all the time but when it comes to the phone or a conversation it's much harder. The only reason for this was because I messed up with them and looked like a huge AFC. So she might still like you but if since you kinda messed up and if she's like any of the other girls I know she may just be trying to be nice. She'll probably just be polite because that's how most girls are. I could be wrong but I wouldn't get your hopes up unless you secure a second date.

 

[tsmith2334]

My question to you, did you she iniate any contact after the date? An IM, text, phone call or anything saying "thank you" or "I had a good time" etc? Just curious. If she did, I'd take it as a good sign.

Did anyone iniate contact after the date? Like that night?

 

[DonGorgon]

I don't know man. Just because she's responding to your emails and texts doesn't mean that she likes you or that you still have a chance. I've been able to text and email girls and get replies all the time but when it comes to the phone or a conversation it's much harder. The only reason for this was because I messed up with them and looked like a huge AFC. So she might still like you but if since you kinda messed up and if she's like any of the other girls I know she may just be trying to be nice. She'll probably just be polite because that's how most girls are. I could be wrong but I wouldn't get your hopes up unless you secure a second date.

Great advice.... the only way to know if you are still in is if she mentions or agrees to some future plan with you.

I am in the same boat as he is...

I had a great first date which blew my mind and hers and she was practically begging to see me again...LOL So i got carried away and rushed the whole process and started almost begging to see her! I did see her again, she payed for me to go to a show with her but damage was done cause I pushed to hard... I did get back to her room and got to 3.5 base but then she became aloof and said she felt like i was rushing her too much.

So she called my one saturday night but i was out at a club and did not take her call, I called her the next day to make plans but she claimed to be busy and she wanted to see me the night before. Since then she acted soo busy but still called me.

I became more desperate cause i wanted to f-close before she faded away and I guess she sensed that and became very unavailable for some days...

So sunday we had a great talk about the situation and I think I have a clean slate as long as I move slow and patient which will be very hard.

 

[Contender]

Did anyone iniate contact after the date? Like that night?

Yeah, she started to talk to me in class without me doing anything. She was friendly, and not awkward at all. Then I emailed her if she wanted to do something that night to talk/hangout.

I understand how this may just be a friendly thing and nothing serious. I really can't tell, but I do think that a second date is possible. I'll take my time. I don't want to come off too strong so I'll just wait until it feels appropriate to bring it up. I'll trust my gut.

I'm honestly so sick of thinking about this. It's frustrating. I will never figure it out, so what's the point of talking about it? If I want confidence, I'll just convince myself that she's hitting on me? If I'm feeling insecure, then she's clearly not interested in me. It's stupid! I'll just go with it. I'll flirt, and do my thing. Whatever happens.. I'll learn from it.

I'm ****ing done. I'll just let you know what happens.

 

[sav]

Yeah, she started to talk to me in class without me doing anything. She was friendly, and not awkward at all. Then I emailed her if she wanted to do something that night to talk/hangout.

I understand how this may just be a friendly thing and nothing serious. I really can't tell, but I do think that a second date is possible. I'll take my time. I don't want to come off too strong so I'll just wait until it feels appropriate to bring it up. I'll trust my gut.

I'm honestly so sick of thinking about this. It's frustrating. I will never figure it out, so what's the point of talking about it? If I want confidence, I'll just convince myself that she's hitting on me? If I'm feeling insecure, then she's clearly not interested in me. It's stupid! I'll just go with it. I'll flirt, and do my thing. Whatever happens.. I'll learn from it.

I'm ****ing done. I'll just let you know what happens.

friendly / casual is good as long as there is a flirty / sexual vibe happening or you'll end up in the dreaded friend zone... if its flirty / casual ur on the right track...


it seems she liked your cooking, so there's a good chance she'll be back for more... work that angle but make sure not to overwork it.. ur date didnt sound like a mess up... next time to loosen up maybe make a date at a local martini bar and drink a little bit... loosen up the atmosphere.. just some suggestions.. good luck!