brosnake
Don Juan
It was 8:30 PM on a Saturday night and I was meandering around the house smoking bowls and watching basketball while I was waiting for my buddy to call. Somehow in the process of bowl smoking and waiting my tummy began to quake, a clear indication I was in need of nourishment. I threw on some cologne & went to the Chipotle. Ordering in front of me was HBlonde7. I kinda freeze up and I proceed to order the same tacos she ordered, hard shell with carnitas (highly recommended by the by). *THINK OF SOMETHING CUTE & CHARMING* became the pervasive thought that passed through my mind as I was ordering salsa. “’Hey you stole my order? Are you spying on me?’ -- Yes it was cheesy but still better than nothing, I’m gonna let this one fly brosnake!” said my inner brosnake. And just like that she absconded with her tray and sat down next to a table of three UG friends. I told myself that I sucked and to make up for it I will approach chicks that night even if it meant driving an hour away to a party I knew about in LA. I immediately got on the horn and found a ride. Suhweet!
My AFC friend and I make the drive to LA & find the house. My friend is a stud at approaching women but always comes off needy or self-conscious and it sometimes turns them off instantly. His percentage to chicks he talks to and chicks he gets down with is about 1 or 2% tops. I have the opposite problem, but Dr. Paul (MindOS) says the only cure for anxiety is to tackle it heads on until you no longer fear it. I’m about a 7.5 on the scale of hotness and I’m in my early twenties (for reference).
We walk into the party in the patio and I open to the first chick I see (ijjjjji method).
**** 0 - 0 the count ****
Hero: Hi! (enthusiastic)
HB6.5: Hi there! (almost as enthusiastic as above)
Hero: Are you drunk yet? (playful)
HB6.5: I’m kinda buzzed. (almost as playful as above)
Hero: Sweet. (struggling to think about something to say) What’s your name?
HB6.5: HB6.5. (moving her head slowly away from me)
Hero: (In a state of sheer and utter panic for two agonizing seconds) I’m going to talk with some friends, take it easy. (bail)
**** 1 - 0 the count ****
I grab a beer and chat with my wing for moment. I survey the outside patio and the inside and I figure to be about 50 people, none of whom I ever met. Sweet! I stroll into the actual house and see four (4) HBs sitting near each other on top of a washer & dryer. HBGoth8, HBBlonde7.5, HBNarlie5, HBEthnic6.5. I next to HBNarlie5 with an awesome opener I recently invented. I present it to you free of charge:
Hero: Hey guys! (enthusiastic) I need you to help settle a debate.
HBGoth8: Okay.
Hero: Have you guys ever seen that show on MTV called Laguna Beach. (If you live in Southern California 90% of the girls have seen this show, this is Fact. If they don’t however, you have a natural “Can somebody get this chick a TV?” (loudly & with a huge **** grin)).
HBGoth8: Yea! (a little more receptive)
Hero: Okay, so who do you ladies think is more attractive, Kristen or LC? (aside: Kristen)
HBGroup: (Debating...) LC!
Hero: Really? Cause I’m a Kirsten type of dude. LC is as boring as melba toast.
HBGoth8: But Kirsten is such a *****!
Hero: (It is at exactly this point when I realize I don’t have any material behind this opener). Cool, whatever.
HBNarlie & HBEthnic start to kinda stare in each others eyes (GWM style) and then make out right in front of me. I can tell this is probably obvious **** test but I fail it completely because I just stare and have *nothing* to say after they turn their heads back around toward me. I promptly eject. I don’t think I even said “peace”.
**** 2 - 0 the count ****
On the opposite end of the hallway I spot HBBlkhair7 standing with typical LA douche-bag in a tight black sweater.
Hero: Hey bro! (enthusiastic)
Douche: What’s going on man, I’m Douche.
Hero: Nice to meet you Douche, I’m brosnake. (turning so I’m at a 45% angle with HBBlkhair7) Hi there. (calmer).
HBBlkhair7: Hi.
Hero: So where’s everybody from?
Douche: Westwood. (I should have guessed).
HBBlkhair7: Here.
Hero: Sweet.
HBBlkhair7: Where are you from?
Hero: Orange County.
Douche: Cool, I used to live there. (talks about school there).
Hero: Cool, you go to school? (To HBBlkhair7)
HBBlkhair7: Nope, I graduated. I work now.
Hero: Cool same here. I just graduated from UniversityX.
HBBlkhair7: Neat.
Hero: (I’m feeling that panicked feeling again and I can’t stand it. I’m not getting good EC or BL from the chicka. I would pay any amount of money to bail from this awkward situation right now. I’m not sure if its just in my hero or this situation really is awkward but I want ****ing out right now. **** this let’s go find the one dude you know and get the **** out of here. Noooooooowwwwwww!). Okay nice meeting everybody, talk to ya later.
**** 3 - 0 the count ****
I roll back outside to find my wing and he is talking to a female friend. I don’t want to cramp his style so I find another target. There are hot *****es everywhere, this is a pretty ****ing sick house party. I spot a 2-set of semi-trashing looking chicks HB6 & HB7 (Think Tara Reid plus 10 lbs).
Hero: I don’t think we’ve met yet.
HBTara7: No I don’t think we have either, I’m Tara.
Hero: I’m brosnake. (introductions to UG) So what’s your story (to HBTara7).
HBTara7: Oh we’re in from PartySchool State for the weekend.
Hero: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It looks like we’ve got some party girls from PartySchool State here.
HBTara7: (hitting my arm) Hey you know it!
Blah blah fluff talk BS for a good 7 or 9 minutes. I’m busting her balls at every opportunity and she’s digging it.
HBTara7: So I have to go to the bathroom. How do I get there?
Hero: Come drunky. (Great nickname!) (Grabbing her hand and pulling her hard leading her into the bathroom by force).
HBTara7: Cool. Thanks.
Hero: (****! ****ING ****! I should have just gone in there with her caveman style and slammed the door and started to mack on her. She was kinda drunk and it might have worked. She kinda looked back at me sort of, well I’ll use the word longingly here for lack of a better term, before she entered the bathroom. Any thoughts? Later that night I saw her macking with another dude that came in with some C&F **** that I was using but he looked a lot more laid back and less needy than I did.)
**** 3 - 1 the count ****
I spy a 3-set with HBrownHair8, HBArab7, & HBPlainJane6. I make EC with HBrownHair8. And she refuses break it. So do I. I go into GWM style sexual eyes with triangular gazing (this is natural for me now and it really gets the point across exceedingly quickly when its done correctly). She’s digging my vibes. I walk up in a totally sexual state.
Hero: You always give guys dirty looks?
HBrownHair8: Hehe. (still in deep EC with me).
Hero: It doesn’t seem like your having fun yet.
HBrownHair8: No, I’m doing Okay. How about you?
Hero: Chillin’. This is a pretty cool party. I wish I knew the guys how owned this place. I would turn it into the party house.
HBrownHair8: Hehe. (lots of EC, some kino. We BS for a couple of minutes and her friend taps her on the back and tells her they have to leave)
HBrownHair8: I gotta jet, sorry!
Hero: So you’re gonna jet and not ask for my number? You like me and you know it.
HBrownHair8: Sorry cutie, but I have a BF. (kino).
Hero: That’s cool, I have an iPod.
HBrownHair8: Hahaha! You’re funny. But I have a BF.
Hero: Yeah, I’m really not interested in guys.
HBrownHair8: :-( Sorry I gotta run. (kino).
She rolls up to some dude that gives her a big bear hug. She turns around while in his arms and faces me. I look over and she’s STARING at me in a sexual state (This was a unmistakable look). What a weird chick. I’m wondering at what point I went wrong.
****
I left the party at around 6 AM, a little drunk, a little stoned, and sexually unsatisfied. I was proud that I found the courage to approach five (5) random hotties despite my 0-for in closing these girls. Hey even Tony Gwynn went 0 - 5 some nights.
I would love to hear how I can improve because I know I have a lot to work on, but I'm going to enjoy the hell out of the journey toward becoming a true DJ.
My AFC friend and I make the drive to LA & find the house. My friend is a stud at approaching women but always comes off needy or self-conscious and it sometimes turns them off instantly. His percentage to chicks he talks to and chicks he gets down with is about 1 or 2% tops. I have the opposite problem, but Dr. Paul (MindOS) says the only cure for anxiety is to tackle it heads on until you no longer fear it. I’m about a 7.5 on the scale of hotness and I’m in my early twenties (for reference).
We walk into the party in the patio and I open to the first chick I see (ijjjjji method).
**** 0 - 0 the count ****
Hero: Hi! (enthusiastic)
HB6.5: Hi there! (almost as enthusiastic as above)
Hero: Are you drunk yet? (playful)
HB6.5: I’m kinda buzzed. (almost as playful as above)
Hero: Sweet. (struggling to think about something to say) What’s your name?
HB6.5: HB6.5. (moving her head slowly away from me)
Hero: (In a state of sheer and utter panic for two agonizing seconds) I’m going to talk with some friends, take it easy. (bail)
**** 1 - 0 the count ****
I grab a beer and chat with my wing for moment. I survey the outside patio and the inside and I figure to be about 50 people, none of whom I ever met. Sweet! I stroll into the actual house and see four (4) HBs sitting near each other on top of a washer & dryer. HBGoth8, HBBlonde7.5, HBNarlie5, HBEthnic6.5. I next to HBNarlie5 with an awesome opener I recently invented. I present it to you free of charge:
Hero: Hey guys! (enthusiastic) I need you to help settle a debate.
HBGoth8: Okay.
Hero: Have you guys ever seen that show on MTV called Laguna Beach. (If you live in Southern California 90% of the girls have seen this show, this is Fact. If they don’t however, you have a natural “Can somebody get this chick a TV?” (loudly & with a huge **** grin)).
HBGoth8: Yea! (a little more receptive)
Hero: Okay, so who do you ladies think is more attractive, Kristen or LC? (aside: Kristen)
HBGroup: (Debating...) LC!
Hero: Really? Cause I’m a Kirsten type of dude. LC is as boring as melba toast.
HBGoth8: But Kirsten is such a *****!
Hero: (It is at exactly this point when I realize I don’t have any material behind this opener). Cool, whatever.
HBNarlie & HBEthnic start to kinda stare in each others eyes (GWM style) and then make out right in front of me. I can tell this is probably obvious **** test but I fail it completely because I just stare and have *nothing* to say after they turn their heads back around toward me. I promptly eject. I don’t think I even said “peace”.
**** 2 - 0 the count ****
On the opposite end of the hallway I spot HBBlkhair7 standing with typical LA douche-bag in a tight black sweater.
Hero: Hey bro! (enthusiastic)
Douche: What’s going on man, I’m Douche.
Hero: Nice to meet you Douche, I’m brosnake. (turning so I’m at a 45% angle with HBBlkhair7) Hi there. (calmer).
HBBlkhair7: Hi.
Hero: So where’s everybody from?
Douche: Westwood. (I should have guessed).
HBBlkhair7: Here.
Hero: Sweet.
HBBlkhair7: Where are you from?
Hero: Orange County.
Douche: Cool, I used to live there. (talks about school there).
Hero: Cool, you go to school? (To HBBlkhair7)
HBBlkhair7: Nope, I graduated. I work now.
Hero: Cool same here. I just graduated from UniversityX.
HBBlkhair7: Neat.
Hero: (I’m feeling that panicked feeling again and I can’t stand it. I’m not getting good EC or BL from the chicka. I would pay any amount of money to bail from this awkward situation right now. I’m not sure if its just in my hero or this situation really is awkward but I want ****ing out right now. **** this let’s go find the one dude you know and get the **** out of here. Noooooooowwwwwww!). Okay nice meeting everybody, talk to ya later.
**** 3 - 0 the count ****
I roll back outside to find my wing and he is talking to a female friend. I don’t want to cramp his style so I find another target. There are hot *****es everywhere, this is a pretty ****ing sick house party. I spot a 2-set of semi-trashing looking chicks HB6 & HB7 (Think Tara Reid plus 10 lbs).
Hero: I don’t think we’ve met yet.
HBTara7: No I don’t think we have either, I’m Tara.
Hero: I’m brosnake. (introductions to UG) So what’s your story (to HBTara7).
HBTara7: Oh we’re in from PartySchool State for the weekend.
Hero: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It looks like we’ve got some party girls from PartySchool State here.
HBTara7: (hitting my arm) Hey you know it!
Blah blah fluff talk BS for a good 7 or 9 minutes. I’m busting her balls at every opportunity and she’s digging it.
HBTara7: So I have to go to the bathroom. How do I get there?
Hero: Come drunky. (Great nickname!) (Grabbing her hand and pulling her hard leading her into the bathroom by force).
HBTara7: Cool. Thanks.
Hero: (****! ****ING ****! I should have just gone in there with her caveman style and slammed the door and started to mack on her. She was kinda drunk and it might have worked. She kinda looked back at me sort of, well I’ll use the word longingly here for lack of a better term, before she entered the bathroom. Any thoughts? Later that night I saw her macking with another dude that came in with some C&F **** that I was using but he looked a lot more laid back and less needy than I did.)
**** 3 - 1 the count ****
I spy a 3-set with HBrownHair8, HBArab7, & HBPlainJane6. I make EC with HBrownHair8. And she refuses break it. So do I. I go into GWM style sexual eyes with triangular gazing (this is natural for me now and it really gets the point across exceedingly quickly when its done correctly). She’s digging my vibes. I walk up in a totally sexual state.
Hero: You always give guys dirty looks?
HBrownHair8: Hehe. (still in deep EC with me).
Hero: It doesn’t seem like your having fun yet.
HBrownHair8: No, I’m doing Okay. How about you?
Hero: Chillin’. This is a pretty cool party. I wish I knew the guys how owned this place. I would turn it into the party house.
HBrownHair8: Hehe. (lots of EC, some kino. We BS for a couple of minutes and her friend taps her on the back and tells her they have to leave)
HBrownHair8: I gotta jet, sorry!
Hero: So you’re gonna jet and not ask for my number? You like me and you know it.
HBrownHair8: Sorry cutie, but I have a BF. (kino).
Hero: That’s cool, I have an iPod.
HBrownHair8: Hahaha! You’re funny. But I have a BF.
Hero: Yeah, I’m really not interested in guys.
HBrownHair8: :-( Sorry I gotta run. (kino).
She rolls up to some dude that gives her a big bear hug. She turns around while in his arms and faces me. I look over and she’s STARING at me in a sexual state (This was a unmistakable look). What a weird chick. I’m wondering at what point I went wrong.
****
I left the party at around 6 AM, a little drunk, a little stoned, and sexually unsatisfied. I was proud that I found the courage to approach five (5) random hotties despite my 0-for in closing these girls. Hey even Tony Gwynn went 0 - 5 some nights.
I would love to hear how I can improve because I know I have a lot to work on, but I'm going to enjoy the hell out of the journey toward becoming a true DJ.
