Last week was my 5-year high school reunion. Part of me thought: "Blitz, you didn't like these people back in high school, you're not going to like them now. Don't waste you time". But another part of me thought: "Dude, $20 open-bar and food." So I was in. Basically, my motives were to a) get drunk b) say outlandish things to random alumni, and c) hook up with a girl that didn't talk to me back in high school - most likely the "sleeper". The sleeper is the chick who was ugly in high school, but grew up exceptionally well and came back to her reunion looking HOT.
I think it's every former-high school nerd's dream to go back to their reunion and blow the roof off of the place, hook up with the hottest girl, and make the "cool guys" look like a pile of dog shyt. I'll be honest and say I didn't do exactly that, but I was happy. Here's the story:
I was at my mom's eating dinner last night at about 5:00. The reunion started at 8:00 and I still didn't know who I was bringing as my "date", if anybody at all. I finally counted out bringing a girl with me because even if she was just a "friend", it would get in the way of my goal to hook up with a sleeper, and also I'd have to babysit her and make sure she's having fun, not bored, not getting harrassed, etc. I didn't want to do that. In fact the ONLY person I know who I don't have to babysit and will run along and do his own thing to make sure he stays entertained is my brother Jason. So he was my date.
We got to the bar at 8'ish. It is located in Philly. It's a huge Irish bar. 3 floors, packed from wall-to-wall typically as the night gets later. We get to the front door and I see the class president - Lauren, taking the money and putting on wrist bands. Lauren is BEEAAAUTIFUL. Always has been. She didn't really give me the time of day though back in high school, like most others. She's got her shyt together, has a full time teaching job, prom queen, class president, bla bla whatever. She's just hot. Anyway, I didn't say much to her except give her a hug and introduced her to my "man friend". haha. Nothing like sending gay vibes through the high school reunion.
Jason and I enter the establishment and immediately B-line to the bar. I say hi to about 10 people along the way. This was getting annoying. I just wanted to get beer...THEN I'll pretend to listen to they have to say. I eventually get to the bar and find my ex (and my first) Kristen. I talk to her at least once a week so this was no big deal. She looked pretty damn hot. I considered hitting it later if I didn't go home with somebody else. I order 2 beers and 2 shots of tequilla. "9 dollars." 9 fvcking dollars? I thought this shyt was open bar. Leave it to the fvck-ups at my high school to advertise "Open Bar" but make you pay for liquor.
I was drinking my beer, talking to Jason and Kristen when I turn around and see Amy standing behind me waiting for me to turn around. Amy was my ULTIMATE high school crush. This was the girl who I'd fall asleep looking at her picture, stay up on the phone with her all night talking about how bad her boyfriend treats her, etc. We have always had a thing for each other but the timing was always fvcked up so nothing ever happened. She, like Lauren, and who is good friends with Lauren, has her shyt together. Been on a few commercials, and is now 3 years from graduating medical school. And, of course, hot.
A few minutes into the conversation with Amy, and some idiot that I didn't like in HS and still don't like to this day, says hello. He shook my hand and the FIRST thing to come out of his mouth was:
Bobby: "Yo, do you Natalie? You used to date her friend."
Me: "Ugh, nah man. You're going to have to give me more details."
Bobby: "She said the girl you dated caught you in bed with another girl."
:: fucck ::
Me: "Oh yeah. I know who you're talking about. She works at Top Dog, we had words when I met her. I don't think she likes me very much."
Bobby: "Yeah man I wonder why haha"
I wouldn't have cared that people know that shyt, if they didn't decide that they wanted to blurt it out in front of Amy. Luckily she laughed this off. In a weird way I think it helped me out more than it did hurt me.
For about the next hour or so I just spent time "mingling".. Almost every conversation went something like this:
Them: "Hey, what have you been up to"
Me: "Ya know, working bla bla bla..how about you?"
Them: "I'm working at x, doing x, going to school stil."
Me: "Cool, cool"
It was gettin old, fast. So I changed it up a few times to make it more interesting. Some of the more memorable ones were:
"I spent 2 years in County for stabbing a police officer with a broken bottle."
"I have 3 kids. Family life is where it's at."
"I've been spending a lot of time with my man-friend" (as I point at Jason and he winks).
Amy eventually came over and we started dancing. I told her to go find a "single, easy girl" for Jason to dance with. She left to find her friend Kelly. While she was gone, Lauren came by. I said "Did Amy send you to dance with Jason?" She said no. Somehow Lauren and I were dancing in the middle of the huge crowd. We'd get bounced around and soon she was dancing with some other guy that we graduated with and I was with some other broad. But the entire time Lauren and I were locking eyes, licking our lips; **** was going to go down.
I finally made my way back to her and we danced for hours. Dancing became a kiss. A kiss became making out, if by making out I mean us kissing while I molest her. Yes. This is beautiful. Molesting the class president at the reunion that SHE planned in front of the entire place. After awhile we went back to the bar for more drinks. On the way there, Amy's ex (who HATED me in high school because he knew Amy and I had a thing for each other) was just hangin out. I started talking to him when the Jello shot girl came by. Collaboratively, we bought the entire tray. We were handing them out to hot girls and people we knew. I had about 5 in the course of 2 minutes.
Lauren and I went back to the dance floor and danced until her friend said they were leaving. I used the magic, romantic line "Hey do you want to go home with me?" haha. No dice. She said she promised she'd leave with them or some shyt, but to call her tomorrow and we'd get together. Whatever, I was happy.
Jason and I left shortly after and crashed at a hotel room that Kristen booked for her and her friends. We left at 8:30 am and went into South Philly for a cheesesteak breakfast.
-Blitz
PS: I swear to god I said this little gem of a sentence to a girl named Erin who I liked in 9th grade, but I cannot remember when I said it to fit it into the story: "Oh shyt, look who it is! (hugs) I'll bet you didn't know this but in 9th grade I used to masturbate to your picture constantly." hahaha. The look of shock on her face was priceless.
I think it's every former-high school nerd's dream to go back to their reunion and blow the roof off of the place, hook up with the hottest girl, and make the "cool guys" look like a pile of dog shyt. I'll be honest and say I didn't do exactly that, but I was happy. Here's the story:
I was at my mom's eating dinner last night at about 5:00. The reunion started at 8:00 and I still didn't know who I was bringing as my "date", if anybody at all. I finally counted out bringing a girl with me because even if she was just a "friend", it would get in the way of my goal to hook up with a sleeper, and also I'd have to babysit her and make sure she's having fun, not bored, not getting harrassed, etc. I didn't want to do that. In fact the ONLY person I know who I don't have to babysit and will run along and do his own thing to make sure he stays entertained is my brother Jason. So he was my date.
We got to the bar at 8'ish. It is located in Philly. It's a huge Irish bar. 3 floors, packed from wall-to-wall typically as the night gets later. We get to the front door and I see the class president - Lauren, taking the money and putting on wrist bands. Lauren is BEEAAAUTIFUL. Always has been. She didn't really give me the time of day though back in high school, like most others. She's got her shyt together, has a full time teaching job, prom queen, class president, bla bla whatever. She's just hot. Anyway, I didn't say much to her except give her a hug and introduced her to my "man friend". haha. Nothing like sending gay vibes through the high school reunion.
Jason and I enter the establishment and immediately B-line to the bar. I say hi to about 10 people along the way. This was getting annoying. I just wanted to get beer...THEN I'll pretend to listen to they have to say. I eventually get to the bar and find my ex (and my first) Kristen. I talk to her at least once a week so this was no big deal. She looked pretty damn hot. I considered hitting it later if I didn't go home with somebody else. I order 2 beers and 2 shots of tequilla. "9 dollars." 9 fvcking dollars? I thought this shyt was open bar. Leave it to the fvck-ups at my high school to advertise "Open Bar" but make you pay for liquor.
I was drinking my beer, talking to Jason and Kristen when I turn around and see Amy standing behind me waiting for me to turn around. Amy was my ULTIMATE high school crush. This was the girl who I'd fall asleep looking at her picture, stay up on the phone with her all night talking about how bad her boyfriend treats her, etc. We have always had a thing for each other but the timing was always fvcked up so nothing ever happened. She, like Lauren, and who is good friends with Lauren, has her shyt together. Been on a few commercials, and is now 3 years from graduating medical school. And, of course, hot.
A few minutes into the conversation with Amy, and some idiot that I didn't like in HS and still don't like to this day, says hello. He shook my hand and the FIRST thing to come out of his mouth was:
Bobby: "Yo, do you Natalie? You used to date her friend."
Me: "Ugh, nah man. You're going to have to give me more details."
Bobby: "She said the girl you dated caught you in bed with another girl."
:: fucck ::
Me: "Oh yeah. I know who you're talking about. She works at Top Dog, we had words when I met her. I don't think she likes me very much."
Bobby: "Yeah man I wonder why haha"
I wouldn't have cared that people know that shyt, if they didn't decide that they wanted to blurt it out in front of Amy. Luckily she laughed this off. In a weird way I think it helped me out more than it did hurt me.
For about the next hour or so I just spent time "mingling".. Almost every conversation went something like this:
Them: "Hey, what have you been up to"
Me: "Ya know, working bla bla bla..how about you?"
Them: "I'm working at x, doing x, going to school stil."
Me: "Cool, cool"
It was gettin old, fast. So I changed it up a few times to make it more interesting. Some of the more memorable ones were:
"I spent 2 years in County for stabbing a police officer with a broken bottle."
"I have 3 kids. Family life is where it's at."
"I've been spending a lot of time with my man-friend" (as I point at Jason and he winks).
Amy eventually came over and we started dancing. I told her to go find a "single, easy girl" for Jason to dance with. She left to find her friend Kelly. While she was gone, Lauren came by. I said "Did Amy send you to dance with Jason?" She said no. Somehow Lauren and I were dancing in the middle of the huge crowd. We'd get bounced around and soon she was dancing with some other guy that we graduated with and I was with some other broad. But the entire time Lauren and I were locking eyes, licking our lips; **** was going to go down.
I finally made my way back to her and we danced for hours. Dancing became a kiss. A kiss became making out, if by making out I mean us kissing while I molest her. Yes. This is beautiful. Molesting the class president at the reunion that SHE planned in front of the entire place. After awhile we went back to the bar for more drinks. On the way there, Amy's ex (who HATED me in high school because he knew Amy and I had a thing for each other) was just hangin out. I started talking to him when the Jello shot girl came by. Collaboratively, we bought the entire tray. We were handing them out to hot girls and people we knew. I had about 5 in the course of 2 minutes.
Lauren and I went back to the dance floor and danced until her friend said they were leaving. I used the magic, romantic line "Hey do you want to go home with me?" haha. No dice. She said she promised she'd leave with them or some shyt, but to call her tomorrow and we'd get together. Whatever, I was happy.
Jason and I left shortly after and crashed at a hotel room that Kristen booked for her and her friends. We left at 8:30 am and went into South Philly for a cheesesteak breakfast.
-Blitz
PS: I swear to god I said this little gem of a sentence to a girl named Erin who I liked in 9th grade, but I cannot remember when I said it to fit it into the story: "Oh shyt, look who it is! (hugs) I'll bet you didn't know this but in 9th grade I used to masturbate to your picture constantly." hahaha. The look of shock on her face was priceless.
