First post: A long, yet brief history of an AFC

[Malcontent]

I'm 35. I've had 4 long-term relationships (starting at about 15 years old) and a few hookups in between.

1st gf: prob a HB9, top 5% of lookers in the school. I was 16, she was 14 or something like that. We did some HJs on each other and were gonna f-ck but her protective uncle was always on security. After a year, she ended up leaving me out of the blue (I did the begging and pleading), I was bitter as f-k and called her a c---, whre, etc, and she proceeded to date and suck off my friends shortly thereafter. That was my first love and I was crushed. Almost 20 years later, I am happy it ended. She still contacts me on occasion for attention or whatever. But she got married/divorced and she got pretty large. Well, huge.

2nd gf: Probably a rebound. Maybe a HB7. I was with her from about 17-24 years old. She was a year younger. Once she sucked my d--k, I was hooked. For 7 years, probably a total of 1000+ times altogether, I either was getting my d--k sucked or getting laid by her. I never really wanted the relationship to last that long but I was under the spell of her reliable sex and she was pretty good at being a girlfriend (cooked, laundry, caring, etc). I reckon I just wanted someone hotter and maybe that was hubris on my part. I think because of the first gf, I knew I could have that and never really in my heart wanted to step down a notch. Eventually I left. I felt like a d-ck but something in my core was never content. Nevertheless it was still a very hard thing to leave and I had a dry spell for a couple years after. She was blowing a new guy about a week later.

gf3: I was about 27, she was about 25, 3 years together. Hooked up by a co-worker playing matchmaker. He knew we had similar lifestyles/interests and she had a good bod. Probably another HB7. Sucked my d--k on day one. Not very good at it despite claiming to be. Never really got close to her. The sex was never amazing nor was our companionship. We liked the same music, we liked the same food, but our personalities were terrible together. And the sex was boring as f--k. Every time tried to branch out she'd later say she hated the sex that I enjoyed the most. She was a b1tch and at some point told me she was diagnosed BPD years prior. She broke up out of the blue, then asked me to come over, then said forget t when I ignored her request. I was sad but moved on in a couple weeks because there was never really a connection. We still hook up on occasion. In fact, I just boned her about three weeks ago. But again it was standard vanilla sex. We aren't talking again due to me making fun of how she says "hello" when she answers the phone.

(Had sex about ten times with a couple different girls during subsequent dry spell, dabbled in being a sancho)

gf4: The one that has totally scrambled my mind. HB9.5

I was 32, she was 19. She gave me her number for a work related thing although she seemed kind of seductive when doing so. I started texting her and she said she had a bf and offered friendship and I said no thanks -- I want more. Two weeks later she called me and asked what I was up to. I assumed she must be single now. We had dinner. We had sex. Anyway, that one night did something to my brain. Best orgasm ever. Most beautiful girl ever. I was trembling. Never has that happened before. My brain said "I love you" right when I came all over her. Sex continued on like that. Told me after 4 days of sex "I just broke up with my bf to be with you". I was a little taken aback by it, but being the naive AFC, I felt honored like was the better man or something, not seeing it as a red flag. The story that unfolds from that point is worthy of a novel if I had the energy to write it. The first three months were euphoria, but then it started to unravel. In the end, I was forced to end it by her increasingly terrible behavior (getting/deleting texts from guys, hiding phone, sleeping with phone under her pillow, probably cheating, hot/cold, withdrawing affection, tantrums, days without contact, not telling guys she had a boyfriend and therefore keeping them on a string, lying, seducing me to avoid being accountable for her bad behavior, ditching appointments, etc) and how crazy it was making me trying to hold it all together. Once, she turned 21, I realized I would lose any sense of control I had and reluctantly walked away. I finally realized "You can't turn a hoe into a housewife" isn't just some funny things we guys say to each other. It's meant to be taken very seriously.

So, I have been single for 2 years now. Not a date. Nothing except sex once with ex#3. I'm kind of traumatized. I experienced mind games and manipulation I had never experienced before.

The truth is, maybe I am wiser now, or just bitter. Part of me wants to f--k like a rabbit now, the other part is afraid of falling in love and getting hurt. And now I only want women like 20-25, not women my age. And there's also the part about not wanting my d--k to turn into a lab experiment or have a kid to support. I've only had sex with a rubber on twice and I just can't do it.

I used to think there was going to be some special woman (oneitis?) and everything would be right and happily ever after. Almost something mystical or magical. And maybe that is possible for some people. And I think I thought it was possible for me until a couple years ago. Gf#4 was my greatest hope for that and also the greatest destroyer of that hope.

But now I see relatonships all as economics and social darwinism and that is a very harsh dose of cognitive dissonance that I have been dealing with these past two years. There is no innocence or warmth to any of it. It's made me angry to feel like I've been made to believe women are delicate princesses when really they are mostly conniving b1tches. I see it more and more now that my eyes are open. I am repulsed when married women flirt with me or when I think of the one girl who had my d--k in her mouth while a picture of her and her bf was on the nightstand. I used to believe women were loyal and had integrity and we men were the bad guys that were always cheating and doing the bad stuff. How was I so deceived?

This last ex always had an entourage of guys. Aside from her family and one female friend, every contact in her phone was a guy. Guys would compliment her while we were walking together hand in hand. Women would want to take pics of her. I'd see guys taking pictures of her, trying to do it stealthily. Guys would ask her out if I was more than 20 feet away.

I had never been in such a situation before. I was not equipped for all this. In the end it all spiraled out of control and I started getting neurotic and angry. Was it because I couldn't be an alpha and keep it all in check by being calm and in control? Or did I dodge a bullet by ending it because it was all f--ked whether I was alpha or not?

So after my experiences with women, I've come to believe as hotness increases, so does demand, and so the woman becomes pedestalized and acts like a ruthless wh0re-tyrant with no regard for anyone but herself.

So, please advise me wise ones. What can I do to make my life easier with women? Can I have an LTR with an HB9 or will they always be on the prowl for an upgrade? Next time a relationship it ends, I don't want it to be the end of my world and be brought to my knees like I did with this last ex.

I don't even know if I aspire to be a PUA. It seems so far away from where I am now. Baby steps.

I'm ready to take the red pill as painful as it may be to accept the reality of women. Please share your wisdom.

 

[DJinBlue]

I am 2 months removed from a "relationship" with a psychopath who was running push/pull on myself and her ex husband simultaneously for OVER THREE YEARS. Yes, and I'm a bilingual college graduate with a good look, broad shoulders and a 60k job in my 20's that put up with this from spring of 2011 until this New Years. I traded in my sanity and self respect for mind numbing sex and a best friend. It's a long ride back from hell when you do this, especially when your notch count is at 2 at age 24. During the worst of times I dabbled with xanax, sleeping pills and drove by her house, repeatedly to cope with the jealousy. We all know what you've gone through.

Be grateful you got out of that mess alive. You have to LET GO, and understand you CANNOT win with this kind. I've all but accepted it's going to take a couple years before this wound truly heals. They're only into you when you're truly outcome independent but by then the damage has been done. And be prepared to keep them SHUT OUT because 80% of the time they will re-engage. You can take comfort from the fact that their sad existence means they'll probably be in limbo forever, and she will come to regret treating the good guy badly after she's hit the wall. That hamster will spin on, but you'll heal. It is the dumper who lives with the regrets unless they hit the jackpot with their next partner.

Shift your focus from women to your life's mission. I am in a dry spell myself, it's miserable but I am quitting my high paying job in 18 months to take a 6-12 month sabbatical on 3 different continents, and this is what I think about to get my mind off my woman troubles. In 2 years my ex will be staring at the tattoo on her foot wondering how I turned out while I sip a beer on the beach in Hawaii and barely think of her.

You're pressing too much. The moment you stop seeking utopia is the moment you arrive in it...

 

[Deleted member 109925]

DJinBlue is right. Your life's mission should become your focus.

You already seem to have a strong foundation. As you search the forum posts, you'll find the ability to walk away from a woman to be a fundamental capability of a strong man with a well formed character. You seem already able to follow your gut instinct, your reason, and your sense of what is right/wrong for you.

I'll add some practical tools/principles/insights that I rely on. Maybe they'll be useful here.

1) If you want to have children and have a partner/wife, red pill insight will not prevent you from having those. Don't despair. (Search the forum for posts from married DJs.)

2) Oneitis / AFC behavior / pedestalizing / white knighting is likely the result of at least four dynamics working alone or in combination:

i) A failure to distinguish romantic love from the ideal love of one's mother from boyhood.

ii) An overdetermined need to demonstrate some kind of moral superiority. Self worth does not equal being a 'good boy.' Be a hero in the world. That will make you a hero in relationships.

iii) Plain and simple repression / passive-aggression. You want something - power, love, laughter, strength, etc. - go get it. No utopia will be found in any woman's arms. Deflecting or denying our instincts and desires leads to seeking treasure where it isn't to be found.

iv) Tunnel vision. An available vagina looks like a hanging curve ball. Big and juicy. In a batter's mind, nothing else matters until he hits the home run. When nothing else is on a man's mind but a woman, he's done for.

3) Always find out about a woman's family of origin. What are her parents like? How does she feel toward her father? Has she experienced some hardship (that can be a very good thing, though not always)? Does she have siblings?

4) If she lies, call it out. If she can't help herself, leave.

5) If you just want to get laid, act fast.

6) If you want a relationship, act more slowly. Act deliberately. Observe and test. There is a great deal of excellent material here on navigating women's **** tests. Have your own tests.

7) Date a lot. Just like in a store. The more sneakers on the shelf, the better we become at distinguishing between options and refining our own tastes.

It sounds like you're going through a process of refining what you want in a relationship. The red pill doesn't have to be tough to swallow. It's a healthy process of seeing the world with greater accuracy.

Just like DJinBlue pointed out, we've all been there. Be glad you are not experiencing this form of enlightenment while paying alimony. Some of the divorce threads will make you feel encouraged about your good judgement.

 

[Deleted member 109925]

Nul.

 

[Great being a man]

I think it was H. L Mencken who said " whenever you see a beautiful woman, just remember that some man, somewhere, is eternally grateful she is out of his life"

That's the crux of the problem with these issues..........that really, no matter who we end up meeting............she can be the most incredibly beautiful creature on earth..............we will eventually get bored with her.

Men need variety.......always have, and always will. Marriage is the death of variety (unless you're going to screw around, like about 90% of the population does) and is the prime reason for boredom.

I've been married twice, and have had so many GFs that I'm now more convinced than ever that men and women are just not meant to stay together forever.

Maybe it's a genetic issue, I dunno.............I just can't stay excited over any female. Maybe if there weren't so damn many?

I think you're history sounds kinda cool...........had some nice experiences.

Best of luck