Explaining No Conact

[Crow]

I NCed a girl that was long distance which was doing my head in. She's been closed off and blocked in a way that she definitely knows it. On top of it, this came out of the blue so to speak. It had been months since seeing each other and probably only weeks left until she might be moving to my part of the world again. We were definitely on an upswing, but I suddenly realized that I didn't have the patience to deal with her right now and maybe I didn't want to realize what I had been trying to brew in the large gaps in time and space.

The problem is that she's definitely not out of my life forever. Our personal and work lives will definitely bring us back in contact sooner or later. When I see her or maybe even sooner, it's hard to imagine her not asking about the seemingly abrupt cut-off.

Outside of just telling the truth, how would you handle this inevability?

 

[darkstarrr]

in one of my relationships years ago i was dating a girl whom i felt was starting to play games. she would begin waiting for me to call before calling me. she would sign online and not say anything to me until i said something to her. i bet there were times in my life where it was all just in my own head, and in fact i was playing, too.

my point is twofold.

1. the brewing going on in those gaps in time and space can sometimes be our own minds wandering and overthinking things to the point where its us playing the little games. perhaps ya'll just drifted. perhaps it was a combination of the two.

2. one time i asked a cutter-offer who resurfaced somehow similar to the situation you described: "what happened, you disappeared.. i was wondering when i was going to hear from you again" and do you want to know what she said back? "funny - i was thinking the exact same thing"

if she brings it up i would say "i dont know what happened. looking back it seems like the 2 of us just drifted apart. but its nice to see you again." then smile.

 

[jophil28]

No Contact is emotional abstinence.

AA in its wisdom preaches Zero consumption of alcohol by those who have been damaged by it.. Why is it so cut and dried? ? Surely one beer won't hurt.

Those who attempt 'controlled' drinking' after a considerable period of alcohol abuse inevitably fail to regulate their consumption. In their delusion they have bought into the comforting fantasy that they can somehow control what has controlled them for so long.
They inevitably return to the old drinking patterns (usually within three weeks) and their old drama-filled, destructive lifestyle resumes.

Simiilarly with abusive, cheating, lying or toxic women. If she brought you pain, deceit, confusion. resentment, infidelity and mindgames, remove her from your life. No booty calls, no hangout dates, no attempts at "let's try again" .

No Contact = Abstinence.

 

[backbreaker]

pure brilliance jophil

 

[bish0p]

No Contact is emotional abstinence.

AA in its wisdom preaches Zero consumption of alcohol by those who have been damaged by it.. Why is it so cut and dried? ? Surely one beer won't hurt.

Those who attempt 'controlled' drinking' after a considerable period of alcohol abuse inevitably fail to regulate their consumption. In their delusion they have bought into the comforting fantasy that they can somehow control what has controlled them for so long.
They inevitably return to the old drinking patterns (usually within three weeks) and their old drama-filled, destructive lifestyle resumes.

Simiilarly with abusive, cheating, lying or toxic women. If she brought you pain, deceit, confusion. resentment, infidelity and mindgames, remove her from your life. No booty calls, no hangout dates, no attempts at "let's try again" .

No Contact = Abstinence.

Awesome analogy.

I just saw my ex at the club a couple of weeks ago with her new guy (I was with my new girl as well) and I went up to her and said hi. In a moment of weakness, I contacted her afterward...basically, I was off the wagon again and I'm suffering the consequences of it now, because once again, I'm thinking about her constantly.

 

[Crow]

In my brilliance, I wrote a thread that somehow totally was asking for something larger and more theoretical than what I needed. These are all great responses, thanks!

However, I really just wanted the more practical suggestions of how I explain to the frosted chick why she was frostied in an obvious way.

 

[samspade]

You don't need to explain NC, Crow. You don't "owe" her an explanation. However, if you two do cross paths again, simply chalk it up to extreme busy-ness, or you can even hint that something serious and personal came up (without divulging what this is). It's none of her business after that.

Regardless, the longer you ice her, the more likely she is to get the hint and move on. If it's been long enough, she might not even care anymore why you're not talking.

With NC, as with anything DJ, it's best to be aloof and easy-going. Don't make a federal case out of it, and don't let her, either.

 

[backbreaker]

The mistake most men make is they use NC as a way to gain her interest back in you.

NC should be just that. NC. she has proven herself in some way shape or form to be of little to no value to you or even a problem. You are doing it for the sake of your well being, not for the sake of getting back in her good graces.

 

[Crow]

That explanation seems to be spot on. I guess that I feel like my situation feels different because of my initiating the no contact as a strategy to deal with her physical absence being impossible for me to deal with. However, she is in most likelihood coming back.

This morning, she pinged me via email saying we havent spoken in ages. Weirdly, it just prompted a hostile emotional response. I didn't write back, but I had this impulse to and part of that was with resentment that she's not around. Guess I'll drink some vodka and write something grovelly and pathetic to her later tonight.

Thanks guys!

 

[grinder]

NC should be the last tool you have to use from your DJ toolbox to “fix” a problem with a girl. As you note, when you’ve tried other things and she’s getting in your head and messing you up you do have to do something. Ideally, you try to change your focus to other things or other women first. As I’ve noted before the root cause of the problem is obsessive thinking, ruminating on a girl. ANYTHING you focus on becomes significant to you. NC reduces that focus, but ultimately will fail if you do not turn your focus to other things. Thinking about not thinking about a girl will F you up as it’s an infinite loop. A mind fvck.
Anyone out there who thinks about how your NC affects her, then you are missing the point. NC is for you and you alone, to free your mind from ruminating and allow you to change your focus to other things or other women.
So, to be crystal clear: NC is a tool to free YOUR mind, to, so to speak, SNAP OUT OF IT!

 

[jophil28]

Guess I'll drink some vodka and write something grovelly and pathetic to her later tonight.

Thanks guys!

You are not getting the point of NC.

Abstinence is practised to gradually loosen the grip that the object has on you. It's first objective is to create distance both physically and in time.
Whether it be alcohol or drugs or a process like gambling matters little. The objective is to part company with it, one day at a time .

"NO Contact" is equivalent to alcoholic sobriety in it's early stages. Sobriety also involves recovery from yout way of thinking and behaviing which has proved to be self defeating in the past.

IT seems that you are not willing to take that step yet because you still believe that you can "manage" her or you can control your relationship, and the damage that it has caused you , by just 'dabbling' with her in emails and such.

Your relationship with her is toxic and addictive in it's style and practise, and therefore your behavior now needs to follow the accepted regular recovery process.

Perhaps when you are eventually sick and tired enough you might be willing to listen to the wisdom from those who have gone before you.

 

[backbreaker]

In AA terms crow, you are basically stuck at step 1

step 1. We admitted we were powerless over whatever- that our lives had become unmanageable

You know something is wrong, that's why you are here. Just like an addict might know he's screwed up.. but there is this place in addition.. where you know you are screwed up, but you haven't screwed up enough to really want to do anything differently because it hasn't hurt enough yet. That's where you are at this moment.

This girl is your alcohol and what you are going through is the equivelant of getting a DWI or getting your brains beat out or your wife taking the kids and you staying dry for 1-2-3-6 months until you get an idea of how to drink like normal people. The sad thing here is like in AA, everyone here knows how this story will end execpt you.

And like in AA.. we will be here when you get done going threw your hell but don't say we did not try to tell you. hopefully when you come back it will be with more willingness.

 

[jophil28]

In AA terms crow, you are basically stuck at step 1

step 1. We admitted we were powerless over whatever- that our lives had become unmanageable...

This ^^
However Crow is still stumbling over the first part of Step 1 -- the acceptance of his powerlessness over her, and his toxic relationship with her.

The second part of Step 1 ( the admittance that his life is unmanageable ) is yet to be confronted by him.

THis might take a while .

 

[Crow]

Thanks for all the replies. It helps to hear these things for a few reasons. 1) It's not something people talk about in my social circle 2) I can't be honest with those around me about how I feel, because my actions don't represent these feelings at all and 3) Even if people talked frankly like this, I Wouldn't admit so freely about what I'm feeling to them to hear this kind of response.

About the vodka, it was half joke. I'm not going to respond drunk to her, but at the same time, I don't feel comfortable not responding at all. Though I do feel fine to not respond until I'm composed and well thought through in terms of what it all means to whatever is between us and what that means for me.

If it were just email dalliance, this whole thing would seem a lot more trivial. Unfortunately, it's not. I travel quite a lot and have the chance to see her a few times each year.

No contact was my strategy to get over the fact that I couldn't reconcile what I wanted with what I could have and was overly focused. Spinning plates was not helping me to let go. I have lots of plates a spinnin' and still didn't feel independent. NC actually was helping me a lot. Unfortunately, one of the big things that bothered me about the relationship was that she and I always were very coy around each other. We liked each other but never expressed it, which probably made her think she liked me more than her me and vice versa. It's all very perverse, because unloading that layer would have probably obliterated the mutual attraction (reality is never as good as unreality it seems in relationships). I felt like I was invested more and wasn't content with that fact so nc was a divesture that let me be free of thinking of her as you pointed out.

Now she comes back and I am cognizant that just jumping would be harmful. We don't work right now. We probably won't ever work, but I'd like to at least posture in a way that is best for what I may or may not want in the future.

 

[backbreaker]

keep comim back my friend lol, just keep comin back lol.. that's all i can say at this point.

 

[Crow]

I'm here. :flowers:

 

[Crow]

Ah hahaha.

So, she called me this morning to talk and it was hilarious. Basically, the call was her telling me how she was upset that I deleted her and how she wanted to be friends. Then she told me that she had wanted to have a LTR, but now doesn't want that because she has a boyfriend she is in love with.

I told her that I was never interested in an LTR and then said I had to go.

It was hilarious because I think she was trying to say she wanted an LTR , but having realized that I moved on now wanted to get the last word in. I think I'll delete her again now. This whole thing barely phased me.

In good news, I started spinning two new plates this week that are both very promising. One of them is a model for adult magazines and the other is a knockout who doesn't even realize it.

 

[COD]

GOOD MAN............move on, and trade up.

Reality...........it hurts a little (even though we wont admit it) when we see chics we dumped, are no longer with, etc date someone new.

Regardless of how much we improve ourselves, date someone better, etc we just would much rather remember our past relationships as failures and how they are nothing without us, it's their loss, etc. We just refuse to give credit to those that have befriended us.

 

[Captain]

Outside of just telling the truth, how would you handle this inevability?

You don't owe her an explanation.