Explaining Living at Home and Job Choice

[Safari]

I wondering the best way to explain all this on a first date, as I've seen a pattern developing.

At 27, I have a well-paying job, and could easily move out and support myself at any time, as I did in the last city I lived in. For now, I -choose- to stay home because I save up money much faster. In my own mind, this could be for a downpayment on a house, tuition for grad school, or a nest egg should I decide to take a break from work and travel. I don't see the need to flush away thousands of dollars on rent for a hair more independence, and at home everyone gets along fine and helps each other out.

My job is programming, and with otherwise good C/F and number closing ability, I can still see interest drop immediately when I reveal my profession, presumably because of the stereotype. (not undeserved from many programmers I've met) I hardly fit it, however, being an excellent musician in town, getting plenty of gym time in and plenty of outdoor activity (except in winter).

Any suggestions?

 

[DjDreamer]

You feel a little bit anxious when you think what if your date does not like you due to you saving up money to buy a home of your own?

Why did you build a pedestal for this woman's opinion concerning how you spend your money?

Respect yourself...avoid talking about money...don't delay buying your own home just so you can please a money waster...if you want intimacy with no disturbance, go spend the night at a motel...

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

You have the right frame of mind...don't look to cure a girl's 'perception’ by destroying your 'reality'!! Having a home of your own in the long run is a more worthy goal than impressing girls in the short term.

If she don't like you because you are a rational thinker and have high goals than you don't need her. There are girls out there that love men that think responsibly about their future. Women look for the 'potential' of a man and not just his ‘present’ condition.

Don't fret and whatever you do don't act ashamed, be proud of your station in life. This confidence will shine through and she'll respect you more for it!

Don’t let women dictate your thinking or actions. You dictate theirs!!!

 

[Piece_Maker]

You'll be fine.

You've got a good job in a lucrative field, plus other, engaging interests (women LOVE musicians).

You're doing what you feel is best for your future.

If you meet a woman that doesn't respect that, then she's obviously not worth it.

You'll be fine.

 

[squirrels]

Tell her you work in information technology.

Actually, Dreamer's probably right. I'm willing to believe you feel anxious when you tell women what you do, as if you're not really proud of it. They pick up on that.

Be proud that you have a talent that goes a long way in the business world. Be proud that you're being financially responsible and you're saving your money for a purchase that'll be truly "pimp." While all your friends have nice cars and are p!ssing money away on studio apartments, in a year or two you will OWN your OWN HOUSE.

I slept on mom's couch from 21 to 24. Big f'n deal...it's not like you're bumming. You've got plans. And that counts for more than most things.

(although 27 is a little old to be still "in the nest," if you don't mind me asking, how much do you make?)

 

[poonologist]

PuertoRican_Lover is right on i think

 

[Safari]

BTW, this isn't about any one woman, it's just a trend I've observed when having a first conversation. I bet everyone here has experienced that one of the first questions expected is, "So, what do you do?"

I've worked professionally as a musician on and off for a few years total since graduating college. As a result, my IT career isn't as far along as it could be nor have I saved as much money as possible, but I've literally seen the world, lived abroad, and been paid to do it. I'd tour again if the opportunity arose.

My last I.T. job in 2001 was at $32/hour, and now with the current job I'm salaried at $49k, which is 25% less, due to a weak job market. Still, it's more than most people in their twenties I know make.

If I'm broadcasting anxiety, it's only because I'm anticipating the usual unimpressed response. I think most women draw all kinds of conclusions based on occupation.

I always clarify that I'm not "still" at home, because "still" implies I never left. I moved back after tour at 26, found day work (which took a while) and now choose to stay.

Since you mention cars, I drive a clean, well-maintained, but not-so-sexy minivan. It is the best solution possible to move my music gear and to have an everyday car. But, culturally we are encouraged to desire an SUV or sport car, and so I also have to screen women for this social programming as well. I -could- get one, and pay the additional insurance and payments, but it's not smart and not what I want.

On paper, how I live makes a lot of sense, but that does not make it attractive. And it's not that I care what they think enough to change for them. It just seems to create a higher hurdle with American women. At the same time, I considered none of the 20+ women I dated or hooked-up with last year as keepers anyway.

Since college, a time when I was fully AFC, I have yet to meet a mentally stable, educated, attractive, nice woman that looks beyond the present.

 

[Player_Supreme]

1. you live at home and you like it?

2. your 27.

3. you drive a what....mini...what? ohhh hell no...I am on the phone right now with a woman: "some how there is nothing sexy about a man driving a minivan" "Girls are not going to be excited with a man with a minivan" "And living at home that is a double whammy" "I'm sure his mom will not let him have sex in the house"

4. I realize your trying to save money for something...I think like a house or something, you must be close to your family also. For me that wouldn't work. I left at 18 and I haven't been back. I made my own way in life.

5. If it works for you then so be it... who am I to say for a player lifestyle this shyt wouldn't work.

6. If your still able to get dates then cool....fawk it...

 

[Safari]

Hmm, I'm not sure why I'm attacked here.

And I'm less sure about what we were counting...

Basically, I don't need a woman to legitimize how I choose to live, especially one I've never met. Your friend's knee-jerk, superficial judgments would have bumped her out of second-date land with me in a heartbeat.

Does her judgment reassure you of your choices? Would you have been upset if she had said the opposite, or still felt confident because you are doing what you want?

So,

1. Yes, good relationship with the family. Guess that's not sexy.
2. Um, yes. Last year I was 26.
3. I've made out in that van more than once, so thank God some women still qualify a man for who he is and not what he drives.
4. You're implying I haven't made my own way in life. Please.
5. A DJ wouldn't take on more burdens solely to impress women. What do players do?
6. Then why the Top 6?

 

[dietzcoi]

You are right, it's not about the women, its about YOU.

Having said that, personally I could not respect MYSELF if I leeched off my parents at age 27. I also left home for the military at 18. Never looked back...

Also, I would not drive a minivan... but I am a hunter and skier and need 4 wheel drive.. unlike many who have SUVs and never go off-road...

Since you wrote to us about living at home, working in computers, and driving a minivan, I believe that YOU have the problem and it is evident when you approach women..

Get some self respect... $49K a year as a bachelor? I could EASILY live on that and have a nice car and NICE apartment... what is stopping you? I think all that you have said are just excuses to do nothing. Are you going to buy a house when you are 45? You have a good job. TIme to move forward... and move out!

Adult MEN do not live with their parents. Period.

Dietzcoi

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

Without throwing in my personal 2c I'm just going to go directly into spin control.

You're a technology professional who's saving money for your future home, which you plan to own free and clear and you're helping your elderly parents maintain the upkeep of their home, thus saving them the expense and embarassment of a stranger coming into their house to look after them and you drive a minivan so you can cart around your bandmates and equipment between gigs.

This having been said...if you feel like you have to justify who you are, then you're doing something wrong.

-CyranoDeBergerac

 

[coldcoal]

Being a computer professional seeking to purchase a home AND a professional musician willing to tour the world again are not two things that are willingly seen together in good light with a woman.

It leaves too many question marks on your identity, and the gamble to stick around and understand you better is for whatever reason not there.

A transitional phase is understandable, but your wanting to do it all can be confusing and leads to a natural desire to ask harder, digging questions about you...and that's if you can maintain an interest level to begin with. It's like painting yourself into a corner.

Don't tell them you want to buy a home if you told them you're willing to tour and travel, and vice versa.

 

[Safari]

I admit the two don't match. I have many opportunities open to me, which is both a blessing and a curse. It's hard to know exactly what you want when all these unique options are staring you in the face. Weighing the pros and cons produces no clear winner.

Women say they like stability, but just before tour, I remember IL would instantaneously go sky-high when I told them what I was about to do. But I don't think this small identity crisis has been the main source of low IL. More often than not, I stop pursuing after a red flag goes up.

The money -may- be for a home, or it could end up being for grad school, maybe further investing, or maybe a new convertible luxury 4x4 sport utiliminivan...

 

[coldcoal]

Having experiences far apart on the spectrum is something I am familiar with. I have experiences ranging from narrowly avoiding being at ground zero to saving a horses life to having lunch with the SoD to hanging with biker gangs to college to homesteading brutal northern winters and on and on...and it hasn't stopped me from keeping my act together and having a steady career and future.

I can't tell a woman about all of the things I've done..they don't believe me. Maybe they just have boring lives, I don't know. But I actually have to appear to be less oppotunistic and experienced than I always have beeen; as if I'm more real to them that way.

Give it a try...

 

[ShortTimer]

Originally posted by Safari
I -choose- to stay home because I save up money much faster. In my own mind, this could be for a downpayment on a house, tuition for grad school, or a nest egg should I decide to take a break from work and travel.

I completely know what you're talking about. First of all there is no reason to bring it up on the first date, so don't say anything if she doesn't bring it up. However, if it does come up tell her "I'm saving as much money as I can right now so I can buy a house in the near future, so right now I'm living with my parents."

I think that's about the best way to say it because 1.) it shows you planning a future and 2.) "near future" is vague enough to be up to 6 months or a year. Everyone knows houses are expensive so the only women who should get weird on you will be the immature ones.

Originally posted by Safari
My job is programming, and with otherwise good C/F and number closing ability, I can still see interest drop immediately when I reveal my profession, presumably because of the stereotype. (not undeserved from many programmers I've met)

Not much you can do here besides let your personality shine. And you're right about programmers, I've met plenty too and the stereotype is unfortunately deserved. Just play it up as best you can but don’t bore her with how you made a killer while-loop at work today.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by dietzcoi


Get some self respect... $49K a year as a bachelor? I could EASILY live on that and have a nice car and NICE apartment... what is stopping you? I think all that you have said are just excuses to do nothing. Are you going to buy a house when you are 45? You have a good job. TIme to move forward... and move out!

Yeah...I dunno how long you've been making that, but I own a townhouse and a Firebird Trans Am on about the same money. And I only spent about 2 years at home after college before getting out. You could EASILY afford a house and at least a DECENT car.

But in the end, do what you want to do. Just don't be disappointed if your lack of vision hampers your ability to score chicks.

 

[myfriendblu]

Originally posted by Safari
Hmm, I'm not sure why I'm attacked here.

Ignore player s,
27 isn't all that bad to be at home. Play it smart dude, I all for having your own place. Its ESSENTIAL for being a DJ. But you have to be smart. Im against roomates for alot of reasons, I think for the most part your better off at home. So be smart about it. Don't leave until your ready. Set a goal date, like " Im moving out by 2005". Your 27. No big deal, but do start planning.

 

[Player_Supreme]

Originally posted by Safari
Hmm, I'm not sure why I'm attacked here.

And I'm less sure about what we were counting...

Basically, I don't need a woman to legitimize how I choose to live, especially one I've never met. Your friend's knee-jerk, superficial judgments would have bumped her out of second-date land with me in a heartbeat.

Does her judgment reassure you of your choices? Would you have been upset if she had said the opposite, or still felt confident because you are doing what you want?

So,

1. Yes, good relationship with the family. Guess that's not sexy.
2. Um, yes. Last year I was 26.
3. I've made out in that van more than once, so thank God some women still qualify a man for who he is and not what he drives.
4. You're implying I haven't made my own way in life. Please.
5. A DJ wouldn't take on more burdens solely to impress women. What do players do?
6. Then why the Top 6?

1. different strokes for different folks kid.

2. I would never drive a goober mini van. I do drive a Saturn and a Explorer...mostly my little saturn. Van's are just too nerdy...but if it works for you then have at it.

3. I doubt that you would even get a first date from my friend...even though she has dated people the president of a beer company who lives in Greece...the author of a national book on a.d.d. who has his own website and has been on ophra. But like I said different strokes for different folks...she like's em smart but without the geekdom and nerdishness. I guess alpha male types would say it. And she loves "the savage nation" and would date him in a heart beat.

4. I would love to see what your working with and what you look like..I have this picture in my head...5'7 or so 145lbs...glasses...correct?

peace kid