Ex wife vs Ex GF same rules apply?

[In$tinct]

After reading everything I could dig up on this site about the way to handle an Ex situation... I still have a few questions pertaining to my own situation.

First just a little BG.

My soon to be Ex Wife of 6 years and I have two children together (2 and 4). We had a preliminary court hearing and I was awarded full-custody of my sons, the house, and the nicer car. She is also paying me child support.

During our Marriage I became a shadow of my former self. I gained 65 lbs, which I have already lost. I became non social with the weight gain, and basically sat on my fat ass. I was never abusive, mentally or physically. But, one day she just packed up and left without any warning.

I had about a month or 2 at the most of being the biggest AFC money could buy. That period has been over for about 4 months now. She has a new BF, but their relationship is a disaster in the making. We still have mutual friends that tell me much more than I even ask, which is little.

My question is this: With me accepting that the Marriage failing was do to me forgetting who I was, and then taking drastic steps at self improvement, should I still consider it a lost cause?

She was a wonderful wife, besides the obvious communication breakdown at the end.

I know she isn't "the one" and that I can find many more women out there that will not hold past issues against me. But, she is the mother of my sons, and I believe that they would have a much better life if we were to work it out.


Currently, I am basically on the 3rd week of NC, besides talk of the boys. Which seems to be driving her crazy, according to some of the non-sense texts and calls I receive. I refuse to put my life on hold in waiting for her.

I am continuing to improve myself in every area. I wouldn't refer to myself as a Master DJ by any means... But, I am very good with new candidates, where with her, everything is different. Do any of you have a similar experience? How did it work out for you, and how did you play it?

To living the good life!
Cheers!!!

 

[logic1]

I feel confused. Maybe a little more info or clarity of the exact problem.

Were your roles reversed. You the stay at home dad and your ex the bread winner? Sounds like it with you receiving child support?

 

[In$tinct]

I feel confused. Maybe a little more info or clarity of the exact problem.

Were your roles reversed. You the stay at home dad and your ex the bread winner? Sounds like it with you receiving child support?

LoL Not even close. It might seem that way because of the ass raping my atty gave her in court. She was actually rhe stay at home mother. She only pays 30 dollars a week for two children, and that is more about principle than me needing the money.

The main problem is that she is showing signs of trying to work it out. I just got everything possible in the D, and have to tread very carefully to make sure she is doing it for the right reasons.

 

[amoka]

First of all what state do you liv that awarded you full custody of your children while your ex pays you child support. Was she the bradwinnwe of the household or is she completely srew up that the court don't trust her with her own kids?

 

[amoka]

Secondly, dont even think about getting back with this woman. This is your ticket to freedom. Besides, if she walked away now when the kids are are 2 and 4what makes you think wont walk away again when they turn 4 and 6? or 7 and 5?

 

[mrRuckus]

LoL Not even close. It might seem that way because of the ass raping my atty gave her in court. She was actually rhe stay at home mother. She only pays 30 dollars a week for two children, and that is more about principle than me needing the money.
.

WTF? Men pay way more than they should while women's contributions into this system are a fvcking joke?

 

[Kailex]

She's a stay-at-home mother. She has no income, that's why she pays 30 bucks a week.

BTW, who do you think is probably giving her 30 dollars a week to give you that child support?

She got a new boyfriend (disaster or not), you got the kids, the house, and don't have to pay child support. You made out like a bandit here. Keep it that way.

And just because the parents live together, does NOT guarantee that your kids will have a better upbringing. What happens when you get lazy again or if she gets too comfortable with you again?

Would it be more damaging for your kids to go through this on/off relationship all the time or for the boundaries to be set from the get go with them already knowing that mommy and daddy aren't together but that they both love their kids very much.

I grew up in a divorced family with my sister and we are both doing very well in this world. Don't sacrifice your mental stability and happiness because of this dream-world where your children are happy because both their parents live in the same house.

 

[jophil28]

I have several questions, but one main one. Did she cheat while you and she lived under the same roof ?

 

[Kailex]

I have several questions, but one main one. Did she cheat while you and she lived under the same roof ?

That was actually going to be my question as well, but I did the math and it seems they have been apart for 6 months now? Not that that guarantees that she wasn't branch swinging at the time... but by his wording "New" boyfriend, I came to the ill conclusion that it happened AFTER she separated from him... although, past experiences on this forum lead us to believe that she was obviously swinging...

But yeah, now I'm rambling...

Answer jophil's question.

 

[In$tinct]

That was actually going to be my question as well, but I did the math and it seems they have been apart for 6 months now? Not that that guarantees that she wasn't branch swinging at the time... but by his wording "New" boyfriend, I came to the ill conclusion that it happened AFTER she separated from him... although, past experiences on this forum lead us to believe that she was obviously swinging...

But yeah, now I'm rambling...

Answer jophil's question.

Thanks so far fellas.

As far as I know.... She did not cheat while we were still married and living together. But, I also understand that she is a woman, and wouldn't let go of one branch unless she had a firm grasp on another.

I know I made out like a bandit! Hell, the guys at work damn near tossed a parade for me after our hearing. LoL I would never stop the Divorce, that Marriage is over.

What advice I was looking for was more towards the title. I never would take an ex GF back. There are usually no strings, just a clean break. But, since it is my ex wife, and we have children. I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing by cutting the ties.

From the responses so far, it seems like you treat both the same. Either way, they are going to have a mental filing cabinet full of bad memories that will be tossed into our faces at some point.

Like a previous poster mentioned... She walked once, and next time it will be even easier.

Thanks Fellas

Cheers!

 

[Rescue Mission]

Sorry my man, but your ex-wife is a total b1tch that does not even deserve another chance with you!

My mom gained about 100 lbs over a 10 year period after she and my dad had me, and he has stayed with her, committed, happy, and yes i even heard them having sex every weekend because their bed used to squeak when I lived at home HAHA.

What you had in your ex-wife is just another feminist cvnt who did not want to realize her role as a good wife TILL DEATH DO YOU PART, and because women are free to do as they please in the 21st century, she decided to magically "un-love" you, and get the divorce.

NO WAY IN HELL YOU SHOULD EVER CONSIDER TALKING TO THIS LOWLIFE SOUL-LESS EX-WIFE OF YOURS

 

[boomerick]

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[sodbuster]

you WON! She displayed her character and walked out. Don't let poor character back in your life. Her attorney probably told her she should have stayed and filed =she could get more in the divorce. SO, maybe she's trying to get remarried,so she can take another bite at the apple[and do it right this time]

 

[Ballie]

Part of embracing the DJ's phylosophy is improving yourself (as you have done as so many on this forum) is the satisfaction of seeing ex wifes and other women who dissed you in the past, now wanting you back in their lives.

They did not want you then - so why go back? There are lot of women out there who will have you and you don't need to deal with past baggage.

You are very very lucky to have your kids don't give her a chance to take them away from you, as may happen if you move back together.

 

[BeyondCharm]

As you can see from the MANY posters, almost all of us are in agreement and that is, DONT TAKE HER BACK OR EVEN CONSIDER PURSUING HER. Move on with your life in that regard compleetly. Start meeting new women immediately, forget about this broad and start taking to and dating new women. Don't worry about finding a girl you can take home to the kids, just meet someone you can have fun with for now. Stop thinking "long term" and start thinking about enjoying your life and not making it such a serious decision. Don't try to "create" a relationship out of one that has came and went... start fresh, this is a rare opportunity and you need to be a man and move FORWARD with your life, not backwards.

There's a reason we are all saying about the same thing here.

And it does sound like she was branch swinging when she moved out. She definetely had her eyes on other options, no question about it.

 

[In$tinct]

Once again, I appreciate all the responses.

In order for me to ever even consider bringing her into our (my sons and I) lives again. She would have to make the same drastic changes to her life that I did. I would never, even on my worst day, stop the Divorce.

The reason I posted wasn't because I am stuck on this woman, or think she is the "one". I just assume a lot of the blame for the Marriage failing because of what I let myself become. Does this excuse her of walking away with no warning? Hell no! She made her decision to walk out of this family without even saying a word, so she will have to live with that decision for what could end up being the rest of her life.

I spend literally hours on this site reading through the archives and HOF. There is so much great knowledge here, that if a man were to just follow half of it, he would be better for it. I have been setting a lot of short-term goals for my self improvement, and every time I accomplish one of them, I raise my bar that much higher. If I continue on this path that "she" chose for us; the day may have already passed where she is in my "league".

I don't believe in leagues... But, we can save that discussion for another day.

To living the good life!

Cheers!

 

[BobMo']

To address your original question about contact vs. no contact -

The most important factor that will determine if your kids will be able to be as happy as possible is to try to lessen the conflict between you and their mother. She may be a ho, and have been swinging branches before the separation, but you have to get over that somehow, and not show your hurt and displeasure in front of the kids. Don't fight with her in front of them, and don't let them hear you talking trash about her.

Basically, it's up to you to be the best dad you can be, and from what I've experienced, the no-overt-conflict method can salvage kids from what might well be a potential crushing blow.